So I’ve been with a guy for 11 months now. Things started great, but I think we did move too fast. We went on a weekend trip after a month of dating and that was great. I brought up about what we are looking or and want in a relationship, and we both want to get married and have kids. He would ask what kind of wedding I want, living together, etc. I started sleeping over at his house for almost every weekend after that. We had a routine – every Friday, we would get dinner together; sometimes, he would come over to eat, or I would cook for us based on what recipe he sends me, or we go out to eat. Then we would stay at my house for some time, and I would shower and get ready to go back to his place with him. He would just wait for me patiently, but would always be on his phone while waiting for me. It did eventually bother me and I brought up to him that he’s too focused on his phone more than on me. He just says that his phone is a big part of his life (because of his work), but also said that he has nothing to do at my house other than be on his phone.

He would be the one to usually initiate and ask me what are we doing or the plans for the weekend. He seemed infatuated and was affectionate. When I would cry, he would hold me.

It wasn’t until around June, during one of his close friend’s wedding, that he blurted out to one of the best man (also his friend), that if things do work out between me and him, he would be his best man too because they discussed this years before.

After that, it bothered me a lot because it seemed like he was unsure now. So after a few weeks, I brought it up to him and asked him. His response was because anything can happen in the future; we may end up getting married, or we may break up due to cheating, or some problems we can’t fix. That based on his observations of his friends in the past, he’s seen some of them break up and some would cheat, etc. Also, he did not have a good childhood growing up. His parents were divorced when he was really young, and it was not a great experience and he remembered that based on his parents’ argument, it was that his dad was seeing another woman (?). They argued and both did not want to keep him, because they both wanted to keep his brother. So he ended up living with his dad growing up.

I felt resentment towards him after that, and maybe was a little cold sometimes.

But what really made the relationship shift was what happened after our trip with my friends. It was originally supposed to be with just my friends and I, but out of excitement and because he was present in the hang out when we planned it, I wanted him to go too and didn’t want to leave him out. He end up coming along. I think a big mistake we made was that we didn’t discuss in detail what we all wanted to do and our expectations for the trip. We went to Hawaii, and they all wanted to explore beaches there, which I didn’t mind because I like the beach – but I only wanted to stay there for a little bit, not for hours. My friends and boyfriend all got in the water when we got to the beach, and even though I got swimsuits, I didn’t get in the water on the first day, because at the time I got a skin infection due to a mosquito bite and didn’t want to infect it so I was worried. I just sat and waited for them on the sand. Then after the beach, my friends just wanted to go back and stay in the hotel pool, and I had thought we were going to go get dinner together. But after the pool, they both said that they weren’t feeling well so they will skip and just order room service. I got triggered at that moment (due to my own triggers and core wounds activated of feeling left out). I guess I lashed out on my boyfriend. He offered to go to the mall with me because I really wanted to go. My friend texted us on the group chat about the plan for the next day. I agreed. We went to the plantation, and then we went to get lunch together. Then we went to a different beach, and this time, I tried getting in the water as I promised. But because I’m super light weight and not as tall as them, and they were deeper into the water, I started to panick. The more I walked into the water, the more I felt like I couldn’t control my movement and the waves were stronger than I expected. Then I lost balance, and felt in the water. I felt embarrassed because there were people around, and none of my friends came towards me, they just kept encouraging me to go to them. I shouted to them that I can’t (not sure they heard), but my boyfriend eventually came to me and tried to help me to the deeper end. I snapped and said that I can’t, I will drown and he tried to reassure me. I just went back to where we left all our stuff and sat down. Then I called my mom to rant to her, and he didn’t understand so he used the translator and then said I was shit-talking about them. I was just feeling triggered and cried. Then out of anger, I said that next time I will just travel with my sister instead. Looking back, I know I could have done things differently or handled it differently.

After the trip, he just acted so indifferent. We don’t see each other every weekend like we did before. In the past, even when he had to work on weekends before, he would still work it around and make time to spend with me. Since we came back, for the whole month, he was also super busy with work and sometimes he would have to work weekends. But he stopped asking me about plans for the weekend, except occasionally. But we stopped doing to sleep over. I felt things were off, but tried to brush it off. Last month, I finally brought it up to him via text because it was starting to bother me a lot that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I asked him if something was wrong because things feel off since the trip. I said that we don’t do the routine we did before, and that I don’t sleep over anymore and feel like he is really distant. He just asked me why I would say that, and that he already told me that he’s just been really busy with work and having ant issues in his room. His response felt really cold with no affection.

He asked me if I want to go to the zoo, so I said okay. I thought things were okay, until he made a passive aggressive comment out of no where calling me selfish. It was uncalled for, and after that I kept pressing him to tell me what he means by that. He just kept ignoring my question, until he drove me back home and made him tell me when I said I won’t get off until he tells me. He asked me why I want to know, and I said because you said it, and it bothers me that he doesn’t explain. He just said because of what happened at the trip with my friends – my friends kept asking him why do I keep wanting to go to the mall, and he said he didn’t know how to answer that. He said he finds it weird that they don’t even know even though I claim that they were my high school best friends, and we’ve known each other longer than I have known him. Another thing was that I tend to get upset when he said he wants to hang out with his friends, that I don’t want him to see his friends. For that, I told him it’s because I felt left out sometimes (when his friends also include their wives or partners, not that it’s a boys night thing). He didn’t get it. But I’m sure there are other things too…

I’ve been the one initiating hand holding for the most part, and I just asked him casually, can you initiate hand holding? I’ve been doing it, and he quickly said no (jokingly?), but didn’t haven’t initiated. It really hurt.

For the past month, I’ve been the one initiating and asking him what doing something together. Two weeks ago, he did say if I want to sleep over, I can. Then when I asked if he wants me to, (usually he says yes), he just said i don’t know, if you want. I thought things were starting to feel a bit normal(?).

Until last week, we didn’t see each other at all. On Sunday, I finally sent him a text that we need to talk about the relationship when he can. He said ok. Then I asked if he wants to talk in person or on the phone, and he said we can talk on the phone. I felt really hurt that he didn’t even want to see me to talk about the issues in person even though he’s home. But I called him.

Again, I brought up about the emotional distance thing I felt and that we are disconnected, and what we both want, need, or is important in the relationship. He just said the logical stuff like he would like to move forward and marriage, and when I say I mean emotionally, he didn’t know how to answer. I asked how he felt about me and what he is thinking about the relationship, and he said that he is thinking unsure about the relationship because of all the small issues from the trip with my friends. He said he’s not sure how he feels about me. He asked me if that would happen again. I tried to tell him that I admit I could’ve reacted differently and he said that I should really talk to my friends because it really bothered him, and kept mentioning about how my friends kept asking him about why i keep wanting to go to the mall, and that we have malls at home and we go often. He brought up about how I would say I’ll go with my sister from now on. I’m not sure if he is hurt by it. He’s not good at talking about emotions and I don’t think he is emotionally self aware.

Through text, sometimes I have a bad day and just want to rant. So I texted him last week about how I had a panic attack with my dad’s driving to him. He just responded, “from driving?” to which I responded yeah and explained. I waited and he never responded after that. I reasoned it’s because he’s busy. I go on Instagram a few hours later, and saw he shared a story. I calculated the time and felt hurt and unseen, triggered that he didn’t respond to my vulnerability. After work, I text that I’m home and he said he is home too. Then I asked if he got my text, and he responded, yes. During our phone call on Sunday, he brought that up too about how I asked if he got my text. I don’t know how it triggered him, and said that because I wasn’t sure if he got the text or not since he didn’t acknowledge it. To him, he just responded, well what else is there to say? then he proceeded to say if he was supposed to respond with solutions. I just told him that I just wanted to share/rant, that I just needed him to listen and not give solutions. He just said okay. But after that conversation, he just seem even more drawn back… I just don’t know what to do at this point.

@TeaK:

I am sorry you don’t feel okay, but there is at least one positive thing: you have a job now. Last time we spoke, you were looking for one… Does it help you feel at least a bit more empowered at the moment?

Thanks TeaK. At the moment, I’m self-employed and have a client I’m working for, but it’s not really enough money I’m making. But yes, thinking back to the beginning of the month, I felt what I have now and being able to be paid for some tasks seemed impossible for me. So I’m very grateful to have that opportunity.

It’s good you are at least aware that you shouldn’t expect empathy and understanding from your parents, so you are open to looking for it elsewhere. Eventually the goal would be to give it to yourself – to have empathy for the little Annie who was treated differently than her younger sister, which made her feel rejected and unappreciated.

There is a really useful youtube video on reparenting, by Barbara Heffernan. Please check it out (look for Barbara Heffernan, title: Reparenting Yourself, posted on June 22, 2021). It gives a framework of how we can reparent ourselves, with or without the help of a therapist.

I will check out the video. I really appreciate it, thanks.

There is actually a limited number of core wounds that we can have, so it doesn’t have to be such a daunting task. Perhaps a part of the problem is that you believe there’s so much work ahead of you, so many issues that need healing, and this prevents you from even starting? But it doesn’t have to be so overwhelming. As you’ll see in the video, one of the first steps is to take better care of yourself (e.g. sleep, rest, and better boundaries with people), which you might be able to implement relatively easily.

Yes, there is definitely a lot I need to heal from and work on. Recently, it’s been hard to juggle everything since I’ve been doing 3 other internships and helping clients with tasks that I barely have the time and focus on working on myself. I have been feeling slightly burnt out as I feel I’m taking on more than I think I can handle. But this is because I’m trying to gain more skills so I can find work that pays better and I shouldn’t waste time.

Would you like to share some more? How come you felt sad and hurt after meeting him? Were you hoping to rekindle the relationship and he wasn’t interested?

Here is a bit of the back story: We dated for 3 years, but have been on and off a lot because he’d want to break up and then we rekindle and the cycle repeats. Overtime I felt so anxious and preoccupied, afraid he’d leave again. It felt like we were walking on egg shells. We would fight about his friends, because I felt insecure and felt like I wasn’t as important to him as his friends were to him. I’d compare our relationship with that of his friend’s and envy them because his friend treats his girlfriend so well. Not saying that he treated me horribly or was abusive (he wasn’t), just that when I feel we were getting closer, I’d feel him distancing from me. He was overall caring and thoughtful about me, and did things for me. The last break up was initiated by me because I had a feeling he’d end things so I did it first to avoid the pain of rejection. At that point, I felt all his friends already know except me (just my assumption) as one of his friends and his friend’s girlfriend left our FB group chat and they started a new one without me in it. I felt humiliated and embarrassed as our conflicts were now known by all his friends.

Last year (1-2 years later after we broke up) and up until this year: We were supposed to meet up that month or in January (he texted me that he missed me and my touch and hugs). It didn’t end up happening as I got news from the landlord that the neighbor next to us got tested positive for covid. I was really sad and told him we had to cancel the meeting because I was really worried for him and didn’t want him to risk getting anything (though he kept insisting to see me). We didn’t text each other and didn’t contact each other after.  A few months later, he did send me a link and I replied thank you but he didn’t reply back after that. 2-3 months later, he crossed my mind and I kept thinking about him. So I decided to text him and ask how he’s doing. That’s when I found out his dad was diagnosed with liver cancer and it’s been really tough for him and his family. He also had started working a new job and taking care of his dad so it was busy for him. A month or two later, I’d texted him asking how his dad was doing, and his dad is recovering after surgery and doing okay now. I texted him how I miss him and asked him how he felt about where we stand right now. He replied back thanking me for letting him know and that he didn’t know I felt this way. Then he said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or date right now. He said he wanted me to meet other people if possible. He suggested that we should talk about things regarding our relationship in person, not through the phone or text and I agreed. He’s focusing on finishing college and wants to go to law school after. He’s also moved so he’s been busy. He made it clear to me through text that he’s okay with hanging out and having fun, but doesn’t want to date. I did felt hurt and cried after reading that, but I respected his decision. We made plans to meet a few times in September, but none happened because of the timing. The weekend before we met up last week, he did text me and asked me if I wanted to see where he lives now since his dad wasn’t home. I didn’t go because it was getting late and I didn’t have a car.

Our recent meet up last weekend: I guess I felt sad and hurt after meeting him because the whole week building up until we met up, I was really looking forward to seeing him again (last time we saw each other in person was in December last year).  Although I know I shouldn’t expect anything else to happen, I guess subconsiously I still hoped for us or that he’d still have feelings for me. We were supposed to talk about the relationship, but we ended up catching up and talking about anything but feelings or relationship. I was just afraid and didn’t want to hear his rejection in person, so I didn’t bring it up. We got ice cream and shared it. We only met up for 2 hours and got lunch together, before his friend picked him up as they needed to do a project for class. I went home myself and text him I got home safely. We exchanged a few more texts and he stopped replying back, but read the message. I felt rejected and so hurt. For the few days after, I felt horrible. I find it hard to accept that he’s moved on.

@anita: Thank you, anita. I really appreciate your replies when I post and being supportive.

My heart has been feeling heavy and especially since it’s fall and winter season coming, I tend to get seasonal depression so the feeling of loneliness amplifies.

@anita: Hi anita. It’s been busy as I am currently working from home. But mentally and emotionally, I don’t feel okay. Yesterday, I met up with my ex from 3 years ago since we’ve talked about meeting up but it kept being pushed back due to him being busy. After I came home from seeing him, I felt really sad and hurt. I didn’t think I’d cry after seeing him but I did end up doing so.

@anita

when you feel that no one in your home understands you or tries to empathize with you, you tend to view situations outside of your home (in the workplace, in social situations not involving your family members, and elsewhere)  the same way, “like no one in my life understands or tries to empathize with me”.  Your emotional experience at home becomes your emotional experience everywhere.

I will give you a common example: a lonely girl who really was misunderstood and neglected at home grows up, starts a relationship with a decent man who pays her attention and understands her, so she feels euphoric, like the most wonderful thing just happened- but not for long. One day she tried really hard to look good for him and he doesn’t notice, she thinks: he didn’t notice me, he doesn’t care.  One evening, she badly needs him to be with her because she feels painfully lonely, but he is working the night shift and tells her that he will see you the day after. She thinks: if he cared and understood how lonely I felt, he would have left his shift and visit me tonight!

In reality: no one person can always notice how another person feels and attend to the other, we all get distracted by our own thoughts and feelings, and many have to keep their jobs, but the lonely-girl-turned-lonely-woman has unrealistic expectations: she wants her boyfriend to always know what she feels and what she wants,  and always attend to her. In summary: she really was misunderstood and neglected at home, but her boyfriend understands her and does not neglect her. It’s just that he is human and no human is able to 100% understand and attend to another person all of the time.

That makes sense and I can understand the girl because I was in a really similar relationship with my ex.

what are your behaviors in regard to your sister that caused her to not want your company? Your answer may give us a clue as to your behaviors  with other people (not family members) that cause them to not want your company.

I noticed that I would almost always end up ranting and venting to her a lot because we are always in the same room. When I am upset or something bothers me it just became an automatic reaction for me to do because she is the physically closest person. I also get upset and angry a lot lately and because we are in the same room 24/7, she sees a lot of that.

But it is not true that “everyone always prefers someone else” over you, it just seems to you this way because you project your experience with your parents (and with your sister), into your experiences with everyone.

That makes sense.

 

I will add to #3 that because you are (understandably) angry with your parents,  and because you imagine that everyone else is like your parents.. your anger shows, people can see that you are angry, and.. people tend to avoid angry people.

I never thought about my anger showing to anyone else. If anything I try to avoid conflict with people outside of my family.

That’s good, it means you don’t have a problem with saying No and setting boundaries at your work place, just at home. And as you explained, your resentment is mostly about being excluded from the circle of your loved ones (be it your family or your friends), of not being loved and appreciated equally, of being replaced. This is where you feel rejection the most, not so much at your work place.

Although with time, a similar type of scenario could happen at your work place too, where you might feel that your colleagues get along very well with each other, but are keeping you out of their tight circle. So if you don’t deal with the original pain of rejection, a similar problem may appear at your work place too.

Actually, there were times I felt left out or excluded at work mainly because I was new there and everyone already all knew each other and are friends. They’d have hang outside during the weekend and I did feel excluded when we all sit together during lunch to eat and they’d talk about it. But it didn’t really bother me as much as with family and friends.

I am sorry about that. If it’s anyhow possible, perhaps you can use some of the free time to do (or at least start) that course on emotional healing?

I am trying to at least do some once a week. Sometimes doing the work for internship takes me a while to complete. And when I have some time, I just end up spending the time doing other things. I just find myself having no emotional or mental energy to do anything. And with my chronic neck and shoulder pain had been really bothersome and it’s been making things difficult since. And I just get so frustrated with myself and my pain. It feels like whatever I do this chronic pain never goes away.

Could you place an ad? Or you think people are weary of getting a roommate, due to covid?

It’s more that I don’t trust people especially if I don’t know them. If it’s someone I know, I’d be more at ease. And also because of covid, I don’t feel comfortable moving out any time soon.

@TeaK

Dear Annie,

your sister does seem very spoiled, and your parents enable it. They have zero expectations from her, they let her do whatever she wants and accommodate to her whims, whereas they have all those expectations from you. There are unfortunately parents who treat their children differently, and yours seem to be like that.

I don’t know what the reason is: it could be because your sister is much younger, or perhaps her health was fragile when she was a child and that’s why they were worried about her and spared her from duties (?), and/or because of her character where she’s rather selfish and self-centered, and doesn’t care if she causes trouble to her parents. Whatever the cause is, they do seem to treat the two of you differently.

It tends to be a vicious circle because sometimes we can’t say No to other people’s requirements to even start caring about ourselves. And so our exhaustion and burnout deepens… How is it at your workplace? Do you feel overburdened there too?

Yes, that would be really important. Do you have a vision of when this might become possible and under what circumstances?

Not for work, I felt okay there. I am able to focus on keeping myself busy with work and don’t think about other things. I don’t know when I’ll be able to move out yet. I am still currently unemployed and looking for work because I got laid off. But I would prefer to find a roommate to live with which is hard because I don’t know anyone else who wants to do that.

@anita:

@anita:

Dear Annie:

I wish there was a way for you to take a vacation away from your family- to travel far, far away, and be all by yourself for a few weeks.. or longer, just you alone on a beach somewhere, listening to the calming sound of waves.. take in the ocean air and relax.

anita

That would be nice but I feel more anxiety going out now since covid.