Dear EvFran,

Your post spoke to me. It is something I struggle with so often as well. I am so sorry for the hurt you’ve been feeling both with the loss of your partner and the lack of consistency with your friendships. I relate very much. I am an only child, no siblings, so friends are very important to me. My family was always unstable, so this adds to the need for a “chosen family” with friendships. Like you, I try very hard, always try to be there, to be considerate, to reach out and check on them. But it is not always reciprocated the way I hoped.

There have been times in my life that my merely ASKING for a friend to reciprocate, or to try to be more considerate, has completely ruined the friendship. So I have stopped asking, stopped pointing out how I would like them to act. Losing some of my old friends has made me realize you can’t make someone treat you how you would expect to be treated. It is SO HARD to lose friends, especially when it is a long friendship. But if the dynamic has changed where they are not treating you as you should, sometimes it is easier to let go, than to hang on and feel neglected and hurt for years and years. I know because that is what I used to do. Now I have shifted my approach. I send love and light to them when I miss them, but I don’t ask them to change. Some of what others have said is true…life is busy, COVID has changed us all, the over-abundance of tech and social media has somewhat ruined our brains. We are all mentally exhausted. I take what people are able to give, and try to fill my cup myself if it still feels empty.

My desire has always been to have people think of me, include me, the way that I try to include everyone. It makes me sad that I am not thought of in that way, the way I think of others. But I look for signs, and I try not to put energy into places that don’t give back anymore. Someone said to me once, “if you hold on to a dead frienship, it is like an anchor holding you down. Once you let it go, you become free to attract another friendship that can bring you higher”. I would look at your situation not as a limitation but an opportunity to meet others. Being in new places, far away from people who do not put effort into you is not a negative thing. You are in beautiful new places, and once you let go of the grief from these older friends, you will open up to receive new friendships with people who see your value. Good luck!

Hi Jem Jem,

Just wanted to come on here and give another perspective (I have not read the other advice you’re getting, so apologies if this is redundant).

I am writing because I have been in Emma’s situation several times in my life. I have multiple friends who do not get along. In the past, I would stress out so badly to try to include both of my friends who didn’t get along in events that were important to ME. It would cause drama in some way or another, I felt like I would lose either way. Either I didn’t invite one to something so that the other would be comfortable, and then the first one would be insulted that they didn’t get invited. Or I would invite both and they would complain to me, and make me have awful anxiety before my event.

I stopped worrying about how either person feels when it is something important to be, because honestly it isn’t fair for me to take on that baggage of what happened in their separate relationship. I understand that Tara was unkind to you, and that you expect Emma to be loyal to you and treat Tara differently. I want to point out that whatever dynamic Tara and Emma have is between them, and it is outside of your relationship with either. It isn’t fair to put it on someone to change a relationship based on what happened in someone else’s friendship. I know that is a bit harsh, but it really is true.

As for running into Tara, you have two options. 1) you can be honest with Emma and tell her you prefer not to be around Tara. But then you cannot be upset if Emma chooses not to include you in her events if she wants to have Tara there. 2) you can make your peace with the fact that you will see Tara at some events, and though it may be uncomfortable for you, if you care enough for Emma, you can put those feelings aside and be cordial with Tara (Hi and Bye) and not even be around her at all during the party.

I hope that makes sense and helps see it from another point of view.

NYC Artist

Dear V,

I can relate to your post so very much. I was in your shoes countless times in my life. You did not mention your age, so I don’t know how old you are, but I can speak as someone in their mid 30’s and who has felt this way A LOT in her life. This is what I want to say to you:

Having expectations that someone will always reciprocate, or act as you would act only will set you up for hurt in the long run. Not just with this friend, but with romantic relationships, and even family relationships. First off, people cannot read your mind, so they don’t know how you would want/expect them to act. Secondly (and this happens more and more as we get older, I’ve found), people have their own dramas going on in their lives and they are always their own #1 priority. You mentioned your friend had a boyfriend and cares for others, so I imagine she has lots going on in her life.

You say she is a good friend, so it doesn’t particularly sound like you’re being “neglected” or treated badly, rather, you don’t feel she’s as reliable as you are or putting in as much effort as you. So you have a few options.

1) Drop your expectations, and don’t try to measure what your friend does against what you do for her, just accept that the time she gives you is genuine and unless she starts being disrespectful or truly neglectful, just enjoy the time you have with her. If there is a need she isn’t fulfilling, try to fill it with other things, be it a hobby, or other friends, or self care.

2) If you find that dropping your expectations is not quite working, you can try to lower your effort in the friendship. Reach out less, so that it feels equal. I have tried this method and don’t always recommend it. In my experience, it’s led to feeling some unspoken tension because I am not being my genuine caring self. Sometimes this way has led to deteriorating friendships. Sometimes that’s for the best, honestly.

If you can truly lower your expectations on the person so that you are genuinely happy when you spend time together, I find that way works well, because then the times together are positive and the person feels that good energy and ends up wanting to spend more time together. And you feel better too because you are not mad or feeling frustrated about something they didn’t live up to. But you truly have to let those expectations go, not just pretending. I started just saying a phrase as simple as “no worries” if a friend cancels or can’t make it, rather than try to make them feel bad, or just get mad and hold it in. And that simple phrase, once I got to the point where I truly meant it, not only freed me from the frustration, but it freed them from feeling weird and guilty and that unspoken tension with me. I hope this helps. I’ve been there and it sucks to feel unreciprocated care. But it’s a chance to fill that void yourself and work on navigating balance in friendships. I hope it works out. <3