@mark

Yeah it is. I’m just working on our relationship right now cause I feel like i caused a lot of damage.

I just feel like I need to work on a lot of things and my obsessive behavior is one of them.

@mark

You’re right. That is all I need. Thanks.

@peter @kkasxo

Thank you both for making it clear to me. I love this girl and my idea of some ideal past for a person isn’t realistic and shouldn’t influence my judgment of another. I can accept her past and continue loving her.

Although it’s not that easy. I have already caused the damage of making her feel bad for her past and now I believe I have hurt her. I don’t know if she doesn’t feel comfortable with me or something. But lately things have been complicated since. I don’t know how I can fix this. I’m afraid I’ll lose her.

@Rose

Thank you for the support. I really do appreciate it.

@anita

Right now. As I write. I am not sober. I feel that drugs are the only thing that makes me think clearly. Feel human. Normal.

Here’s the thing. I loved my dad. I never thought I’d ever use the word love but I mean it. But I miss him. I really do. He was my idol. My mentor. He was there for me and he did everything for me. I took him for granted. I only wish he were with me. But he isn’t so there is no point carrying on with this.

The thing I notice is that as I write this honest post I shed tears for the first time. They burn like acid. But they are honest. And that’s what matters. Honesty.

Anyways, anita. I’ve always wanted to ask you but never felt like asking. Why do you call yourself anita? Why not Anita? With a capital “A”? It has always bothered me. Putting anita instead of the proper Anita.

Speaking of honesty, I had another account on this site. Also with a similar name. You were the only one who had a conversation with me on those crazy posts I made. So, you are the only one I feel like an actual friend. Someone I can talk to. Like a normal person. You were the only person that I actually made me feel safe. Perhaps because I don’t know you and you don’t know me.

Maybe that is it. It’s the security of knowing that I’m anonymous. So I feel safe this way. Ha, anyways, I probably should get some sleep. I’m tired.

Goodnight. I look forward to seeing a post from you, anita.

@anita

Honestly, I think I’m actually crazy. I literally lost my mind. Or is it literally because nothing seems real to me. Everything seems subjective. I don’t even know who I am. This make me crazy. I think the fact that I don’t know my own self is what makes me crazy.

Or maybe I have so many mental illnesses. I have a hard time accepting I have any kind of mental illness.

Now that I think about it. I think I’m the liar. I’m my own problem. I’ve been blaming everyone but it’s me who’s to blame. I’m crazy and delusional. I’m just too ignorant to see this. So what am I? Who am I?

I got off topic. I’m saying I’m the liar because I keep telling myself lies. I keep telling myself who I think I am and what I think I want. I tell myself that it’s everyone who is hurting me but no. It’s me.

I’m hurting myself. I’m making myself insane. I mean. I’ve always been insane. But I stayed this way and gotten worse because of me. Shit. It’s a paradox of craziness. I’m crazy because I made myself crazy. And I’m too crazy to accept that I’m crazy. Therefore I won’t seek help. So I stay crazy.

But now I accept that I am crazy. But I’m still crazy? I broke the paradox but I’m still the same! I need to stop.

I have lost my mind. This post is just crazy.

Anita, please help me. I don’t want to be like this. Help me before I convince myself that I do.

@anita I can’t sleep. So I decided to read over your post and take the time to respond.

I acknowledge that I’m very ignorant. I was ignorant when my father passed because I didn’t want to lose him. I ignored the fact that he was dying. I’m ignorant to everyone’s criticisms.

Any ways, to your post.

It feels  like you got most of it right. But some of your observations were off.

I’ll start with my mother. In my childhood, the only memories I have of her is of her neglect. I remember trying to get her attention but she would just ignore me like I’m some kind of ghost. I could never get her attention unless I did something bad such as  making messes by tearing up stuffed animals or getting in fights with my brother. At times these fights were very serious.

But for some reason I was always to blame. Always the one getting in trouble. Not to mention I am a middle child. My brothers got everything new while I got hand me downs. I never really got along with them often either. Of course there were times we did get along. But I don’t remember much of those.

Then I went to live with my father.

After the childhood part of my life and I came into adulthood, I moved back with my mother for a change I guess. But then I ended up just fighting with her. I tried to talk to her about how I feel. She’d just say she had worse and make everything about her. So I got mad and told her I’d never talk to her when I’m living on my own. Well, I haven’t talked to her since because she got mad and said that she won’t contribute anything for me ever again, calling me ungrateful.

I’m alone because I don’t have anyone with me that I can talk to. That I feel safe around. I have nobody that I can talk about feelings to.

Now to the part about how I feel that I need to cause damage to everyone around me. This is just how I feel because I feel like it’s revenge. Since it seems to me that everyone around me has hurt me. And wants to hurt me, driving me to the ground. They want me dead.

But most my anger is towards my mother. I feel like she’s the primary reason for my problems. Like she’s going out of her way to ruin me.

I want to apologize for this cluttered way of writing. It’s hard for me to put things clearly. So far this is the best I can do.

I’m really hoping that you can help me, anita.

Haha maybe I’m the only one here that can fucking help.

Help my fucking self.

Let’s start with a formal letter.

Dear, Mr Fucking Nobody:

You are a impatient mother fucker. Shouldn’t you just go live your insane fucking life instead of asking for help that you’ll never get. You crazy fuck.

Maybe, I was too harsh. Here I’ll make it up to you by expressing what I think.

Death seems peaceful. But of course you’re not suicidal. Of course you feel that by choosing death you are letting all these fuckers succeed over your dead body.

That is not what you want. You want to cause as much pain to all of them before you go. You have to cause damage before you leave. Because of what they have done to you. I mean look at you. You’re a fucking mess held together by silly string. What the fuck does that even mean hahahahaha. I’m pretty funny.

Any ways, back to the point. I understand that you can’t connect to anyone. No matter what. This, I do not understand though. Since I never felt connected to anyone. Or have I? Maybe you don’t feel connected to people. Maybe it’s all in your head. It’s not real.

But is any of this REAL?

Ha! What even is real? Every thing is just a bunch of bullshit lies tied together (by silly string ahhahaa) creating your view of the world.

It actually hurts to laugh. So I’m going to end it short.

Sincerely,

Mr Fucking Nobody.