Hey VJ,

That’s a good question and I remember having this conversation a while ago. The reason why people say to love oneself first is varied but in simple terms it just means – we accept the love we think we deserve. If you don’t love yourself, you will put up with all kinds of shit and also attract people with poor boundaries.

Leaving that bit aside, how to find love?

Hmm I don’t know. I never looked for it per say. It just happened somehow when I was least expecting it. I kept my heart and mind open to the experience though but had clarity over time about what a good partner would mean. I met my current boyfriend at a time when I wasn’t ready for a relationship but we somehow fell into place together. Funny how fate works.

As for friends and family…well one friend found it online through a book review site. Another met the one through a friend on a social occasion. Another met the girl during a badminton tournament, someone else on a flight lol. My parents had an arranged marriage.

Currently I do have one friend who is looking for love. He is very happy with his life though – got an awesome job, good friends, supportive family but now he wants to feel a different kind of intimacy. So he seeks love but doesn’t actively look for it. There for many ways for him though – through common friends, events, arranged marriage route etc. Usually people find the person during college or office life. Some wait it out. It’s different for everyone.

So yeah I know my perspective is more skewed towards twenties age of finding love. But i am sure the other posters will have much to add.

I do believe in one thing about love – “Each failed love story is an important lesson about oneself.”

Seeking love doesn’t mean we aren’t complete in ourself, it’s just that we are human and it’s a very basic need to feel connected deeply to someone. Staying in love though is the bigger challenge ironically”

Regards
Nina

Dear Vishesh

Okay thanks for writing back, actually am not super clear about what was it related to what you read, saw that triggered you? As Anita asked, was it feelings or a thought about the world in general? Did you see about the jews, the Japanese etc? Also what did the teacher say that “re-traumatized” you? Like what was the basic “thought” behind it ? Was it the horrors of the visual, was it this feeling that humanity is doomed etc?

That’s the bit I am not understanding. Can you explain bit more?

Regards
Nina

Hello,

These issues are complicated, more so with the past events thrown in. Two years ago, I sought therapy for a short while. My doc said I had suffered/was suffering from something called major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety too. I wasn’t surprised though but I wasn’t keen on starting medication. Neither was she due to certain other medical factors. Since I wasn’t suicidal at that point, I was in a more receptive state about what could help me live better.

Anyway, my psychologist was very positive though and said that with the right kind of help, I could make recovery. I was relieved and we began two things – one being talk therapy to get through lot of uncomfortable emotions, work through number of twisted thought processes.

This was supplemented by something called relaxation therapy where I was taught how to use a combination of breathing exercises, bodily adjustments to get my body to calm down. It wasn’t easy though but I did learn number of skills along the way and it was comforting to talk to someone about what was really bothering me.

The biggest help though was being able to find outlets through breathing exercises like pranayam (Google this) and physical exercise, proper diet. Then of course, as I felt more okay over the months, I could reach out to people and was surprised by how good some of them were. Having a few good people here and there helps too.

Turning towards spirituality also provided me with an internal compass of sorts to ride through the days, outside of the events that were happening. Discovering that inner locus of control was really important. I took to the ideas in the Bhagwad Gita for example regarding developing composure of oneself. I still have a long way to go.

Basically what I am saying is don’t expect a dramatic change overnight. Thia process has started since 2012 and even now i am progressing.

Healing is possible though with the right help. Coming to terms with things that you couldn’t possibly control as a child is possible – it doesn’t mean you aren’t a capable person in general. It doesn’t mean your whole life will be here in this place.

As Anita said, it’s best to move away from all of this, venture into the unknown to heal. I am sure you can feel better too over time and really build a good life, not the one you saw as a kid but something better.

Regards
Nina

And sorry about a few typos here and there – it’s a bit difficult to type on the phone 🙂

Focus on developing your music, your skills on a daily basis – try to be better than what you are yesterday.

There will be people who will be better or worse than you in this area. The cycle of comparing is pointless. What you need to see is how you can get ideas and improvement points from others.

Accept that your music is good but have the humility to improve.

This all boils down to a fixed vs growth mindset. Manage your negative thoughts.

When you feel overwhelmed by how good they are, tell yourself you are lucky to be around such talented people. It means you are talented too and can learn from them as well.

Dear Maria,

I don’t know if I am the right person to comment here but rather than considering the rigid ideas in religion, consider the spiritual aspects. I do not believe in various culturally ingrained aspects of the religion I was born into but I am fascinated with the deep ideas in the scriptures. there are some teachers whose thinking I found less about religious rituals, stubborn ideas and more about cultivating a clear mind to find ones own ideas about what is the right way.

Their focus was to develop ones principles outside of social conditioning and more in tune with ones inner nature. This is a rather long process and can take years but the changes come from within. Of course this led to some basic questions being asked like “how to concentrate” “how to cultivate a focused mind” “how to deal with negativity of the world outside” “how to be less anxious” – all are inter-related. The biggest lesson for me was if you can’t become your own friend first, then no amount of reading holy books, doing meditation will fix the basic thing that is chaotic – which is the inner world.

The outer one requires inter-dependance with others and certain skills. These are the ones where you need to consciously exercise your own will too. Be aware of what is right in front of you. Consider carefully why you can’t forgive the friend and the consequences of this from all points of view – for your mind and the people around you. When you are overwhelmned, calm your mind and ask yourself “what is really right for me?”

Regards,
Nina

Dear Ellen,

I will emphasize on the same idea as mentioned in your previous post – balance.

Even monks use laptops and Internet now.

Nothing in excess is good but going cold turkey makes no sense.

I suggest you try a habit of taking a walk for half an every day without the phone or internet connected gadgets.

Just walk, be present outside. No need to take extreme actions and cause unnecessary suffering to yourself.

Regards
Nina