And i think you will, over time dont we all start moving on and making peace with whatever has happened? Of course it cant be deleted, there is no delete button for the shit that happens in people’s lives. It does sound though that you have done what you could and have learned important lessons for life. In long-term perspective, you will make it a point to focus on friendships, to not repeat the same scenario again and will emerge stronger from this rough patch. This too shall pass. You’re a smart, good-looking and ambitious guy. Surely you will make it and fight this through.

I am also glad you have that perspective as well on life. One thing that has given me a lot of strength over the years, especially in the middle of depression is the idea that “this too shall pass” – meaning i wouldn’t forget the pain, simply learn how to bear it. I found healing through lot of spiritual reading (all kinds really), more involvement in social work and regular exercise. Keeping my mind busy was one thing that helped me from totally breaking, wondering about the infinite possibilities that could go even worse…I dont know about your friend’s husband but i do believe that your friend doesnt think you are a bad person. Nah, it has more to do with her honoring her husband’s wishes.

Eventually i hope you will find a way to make peace with whatever that has happened and get back to your peak performance.

All the best to you. May the force be with you.

Dear confusedandsuspicious,

If you want peace of mind, don’t find fault with others but find fault rather with yourself. Learn to make the whole world your own. No one is a stranger my dear, the whole world is your own”

Love is a potent factor in smoothening human relationships. Love allows growth and does not judge on strays incidents. Love is the first step to overcome fault finding.

Your mind is restless right now. Some things in your past are still picking you, some aspects of your life feel dull – introspection would help you identify what is missing.

Ask yourself if you truly love your husband and have faith in him. If both aren’t there in a relationship, it will break down. You will have to manage these tendencies in your thoughts to suspect him – when you feel suspicious, ask yourself these questions –

Does P love me?
Does he care for the kids?
Has he ever harmed me?
Has he ever intentionally hurt me?
Is my relationship with P like that with my parents?

We may go to docters, people for guidance but ultimately we have all the answers within us and the power to find peace. It’s a matter of reconnecting truly with love and not suspicion.

Hello lostsoul92,

Lets consider the situation as i have understood so far –

1) You started casually dating a girl in your office 20 months ago.
2) Often her behavior indicated that she considered another guy a more suitable option as per understanding of some of his views on life.
3) You have insecurity and commitment issues. The second you have appeared to have overcome but the first is there.
4) Both of you have displayed a normal level of immaturity – your denial of making the relationship serious 2/3rd of the times, her attempts to tease all the time about others.
5) Despite all this, you proposed and she told you some things that surprised you like hell though you kind of knew them anyway.

My questions to you are:

1) If her intentions were indeed dishonorable, then why would she tell you all of this when you proposed to her?

2) Why are you being so adamant about being the only guy when all you insisted this relationship was casual and fun?

“She also asked if I’d wanted to make the relationship more serious at least 2/3 times and again, I said no. I constantly told her the relationship was nothing but fun and once ‘the right guy offering marriage came along’, I’d be okay with letting her go. I guess I never thought she’d have the right guy in her mind already..”

“Another thing is that I was her first.. Her first kiss, the first guy she’d ever let touch etc She said I’d been the first guy she’d ever let in and I always took this for granted and never showed any intention of staying.”

Bdw in standard criteria, you are the only guy. Your girlfriend has casually tried to know someone and you were fine with that. Now why is it bothering you anyway?

3) You wish she could have told you her thoughts earlier in last 20 months but then, has anything every happened with Imran worth telling? You never 100% confirmed that the relationship got serious anyway, then why should she bring this up before?

4) Fine your girlfriend could have come clean but has she actually betrayed you?

If she has said she will marry you, believe it and let the past be. Frankly nothing happened in the past anyway with another guy while you were around, albeit casually according to you? Do not let your pride ruin this.

Dear DH,

There is a lot of clarity in your way of writing. I do have some questions though –

1) Breakup –

Why did she leave and how long were you together? What is doing now?
Do you blame your lack of purpose for the breakup?

2) Career –

What are the options you are looking at right now?

3) Relationships –

Are you referring to other relationships beyond the love ones that have been difficult to maintain?

Regards,
Nina

@healingwords, thanks for add that point about the colonial factor involved in propagating religion across various parts of the world. This negates the whole Christianity was always there in the USA argument. Whether it should stay is purely subjective but freedom to practice one’s faith without harming others is essential.

Glenda, I think I will elaborate a bit more – All the best to you. Good luck to you on “saving” us all from believing in what we believe, simply because it doesn’t agree with your thinking and scripture. If you believe that the path is indeed based on condemnation of those who wish to peacefully co-exist to appease the higher powers, I have nothing to say except, this world is in much need of more kindness, tolerance and solution-oriented approach, rather than adherence alone.

Name,

This might be a rather drastic way but it has helped me/forced me to reset the clock on some occasions (clock running awry thanks to worry, laziness, partying with friends etc) – i stay up the whole night, do not sleep and then head straight to classes. Its pretty painful but darn it makes sure i fall asleep like a log by the next night cuz i am so tired. The trick is not to sleep during the night or day any time no matter how tired you are – thanks to this, i plonk off to sleep by 10 pm and end up waking up on time. While you are up at night, have some movie marathon – do not do it on the bed during the last few hours of the night/early morning – that ensures you fall asleep and wake up at 11 am, 1:30 pm etc and miss school.

Try this out and hope it works for you to reset the clock.

Another thing is to disconnect from electronic devices, have an hour of relaxing rituals of sorts, which will ensure your body actually unwinds – i understand the psychological factor is there too but lets be real, right now, you cant move away from where you are and i understand that. However, there are ways to work around it and get back on track on the important stuff like school.

Dear Bench,

This topic resonates with me. Obviously we need appreciation from others. Thats an important part of building up our self-esteem when we are growing up. I think the issue is lack of confidence in yourself and also the awareness – the good thing is that you have time to start finding your own voice outside the media, outside the people around you.

This means actually going for activities, trying out new things and keeping a journal about your thoughts. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. The problem is also the shyness because that indicates anxiety really more than anything else. I think author Susan Cain really helped me in understanding that difference.

Consider these questions :

1) Can you really please everybody?

2) Who are you and who do you want to be?

3) How many costumes will you try till you find the one you actually try? People assume its the costume that matters but its the process of trying to change that really does the magic.

4) Will you necessarily be the same person in the next 5 years, in the next 10 years?

5) What do you do when you are alone with yourself?

6) Will you always be socially challenged or is it something that you will learn to cope with over time?

7) What can you do love and help others unconditionally?

Some of these questions will take a long time to answer, even a life-time but i truly believe now that we cant change where we came from, but we have control over where we go. We got one life and there is a lot of growth that can come from our supposed problems. In the end though, we need to really look after ourselves no matter what.

These movies helped me a lot in finding some insights :

1) The Perks of being a wall-flower
2) The tale of Princess Kaguya
3) Dead Poets Society
4) Paradise Kiss (the anime, not the movie!)
5) Kung fu Panda

There are more but i forgot lol 😛

PS: I am 24 years old and I havent made $1 M a year or on some cover – heck i have screwed up way more in the last 4 years trying to change but the only difference is now i am failing more because i am trying new things – even coming across more successes. Sure, there are people doing better than me, even worse sometimes but the important thing is, I walk my own path and write my own story, have faith that though i havent reached the destination, I am on my way.