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Nikkole

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
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  • #320935
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I’m sorry for the late reply, I had been meaning to get back to you but got caught up with work and school. Thank you for your suggestion, and encouragement to continue with my studies. I have been on an SSNRI for about three days now and it has really made a difference. Although it takes about a month to experience the full effects I really do hope it helps. Thank you again for your reply, I hope you are doing well (:

    #268523
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I can’t thank you enough for taking the time out to talk to me each day, and to ask and understand my current situation. All of the points that you have listed above were very helpful, I found myself actually taking them in, and not resisting or disagreeing with any of them. I have decided that it is time for me to be by myself, and although I am not going to isolate myself from others completely, I am going to be taking a good amount of time to focus on myself and heal.

    A lot of my energy has been going to other people (my parents, ex-boyfriends, boyfriends, strangers) and not to myself. That being said, I am going to continue to respond to my father as a roommate, as unfortunate as that is, and I’m going to be spending less time with my mom. I’m not cutting any of them off, just simply limiting the amount of interactions I have with them.

    I have decided to end my relationship with a guy who I was with for 6 months because it has become toxic, and it would be best for both of us to go our separate ways, at least for now.

    As far as my job, I agree with you on keeping it and seeing where it goes. When I feel ready to leave and have another alternative I may leave. The thing I really liked that you posted was taking classes for video production. I actually had a dream that I can still recall and it was of the world ending and I looked to this old man, and he said to me ” Is there anything that you wish you would have done?” and I replied with ” yeah, I really wish I would have gone to school for film.” So whether it benefits me in the long run or not, I’m going to at least give it a shot because I know I’ll regret not trying it at some point.

    I also agree with you on that last point. Nursing is definitely not for me, and I give myself permission to let go of deciding to leave because no matter where I end up in the future, leaving that program was the best thing I could do for myself at that time in my life. I also don’t think that being a counselor or therapist fits me very well either. I don’t like hearing about people’s problems that much haha. I like to create things, be expressive, and imaginative. And maybe one day, I’ll finally let that side of me out again.

    Thank you again for taking time out of your days to respond back. It really meant / means a lot to know someone else is listening (:

    #268425
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    1. I am comfortable in the sense that my dad pays for the rent, and sometimes food. If I were to move, I would be very afraid to do it alone.

    2. Correct

    3. Correct

    4. Correct, but depending on the plan of study I wouldn’t mind working full-time and going to school if it meant improving my situation. I would just take 1 or 2 classes at a time.

    5. Correct

    6. Correct

    7. Correct

    #268415
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I have had opportunities in the past that would have led to management but I turned them down because I was focused on going to college, and just didn’t like the atmosphere of the company. And I still don’t.

    As far as the company being accused of nepotism I don’t think they would since the company actually wants families to work there. We’re not the only family that works there. It’s a pretty big company.

    Yeah, it was nearly impossible for me to go to nursing school and work. The thing is, is that my dad made enough money to cover my expenses he just didn’t want to. He’s never gone to college or liked school to really support the idea of going, let alone pay for it I guess.

    I have honestly really thought about just moving out and starting all over, even moving to a different state, but would that really change anything other than my location? And I’m so comfortable here, which makes it harder to leave. I would really struggle out on my own. I’m really trying to just let go, and have faith that things will work out. But it’s so hard to do when going to work is so stressful, and it seems like it’s never going to end or get better.

    Side note: I noticed you said I was full-time, I’m actually still part-time. Full-time is what I’m currently striving for.

    #268275
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I really enjoyed reading what your short story would be if you could edit out all the damaging experiences. That would be something I would enjoy watching.

    To answer your questions from the first post: the nursing program was stressful for me because I not only lacked confidence in myself, but the program was Monday – Friday so I was only available to work on the weekends which wasn’t bringing in enough money to pay for the bills that I had at the time. I wasn’t getting much financial or emotional support from either of my parents so this added onto the stress and overwhelming feeling. So, when I failed my first assignment I just lost it. I cried for hours, tried to talk to my parents, but they weren’t really saying anything encouraging. It was a mix of current circumstances not being too great, fear of failing, lack of confidence in myself, and not getting support from family, and also not wanting to touch people haha

    I ended up finishing college with an AA degree. I’ve always wanted to continue my education, at least getting a bachelors degree but I have no idea in what.

    So, I currently work in retail (grocery store) and I’ve been there for 10 years. I hated customer service so decided to go into the bakery department, which is slightly better because I get to be by myself some times, but not most. My current role is bakery clerk, so my main responsibility is taking care of customers. I want to (and have expressed this to my managers) become a decorator seeing as though I am a creative person and they don’t handle customers as much. I should also mention that my dad, and sister are managers at this company so it has become some sort of family thing which adds on another reason I stay.

    What I hate about the job is that I find it boring. I want to learn, but I keep getting told to “be patient”. I also don’t like that the environment can be pretty toxic, not only with customers but with co-workers, and managers as well. This is another reason I would prefer to be alone when working. I also don’t like how busy it can get. I find myself not able to relax, and my mind is in panic mode until the store slows down.

    What I like about the job is I know what is expected of me, so I don’t have to worry about whether I’m doing something right or wrong. I like that the job is predictable, pretty much tasks everyday. I also like that I don’t have that much responsibility. I don’t have someone else’s life in my hands. I also like that if I were to become a manager, that I wouldn’t have to worry about money since they make a comfortable amount.

    As far as my interest growing up, I remember loving to sing, act, dance, playing outside, and making skits that we (friends, and sister) would perform. As I got older, I remember having a huge interest in psychology, and still liking to make videos, but that stopped because my mom wanted me out of the class so I could take drivers ed. Ever since then the only time I brought it up was as a possible major in college and my mom said “no”. I haven’t touched video recording / editing since (4 years ago). I’ve never really had just one thing I enjoyed or was good at growing up.

    As of right now, I would love to work alone. After doing a teacher substituting job for almost a year, I realized that I really want to work alone. Unfortunately, I have not managed to find many jobs that involve working alone. I was lucky enough to have gotten a job offer as a data entry clerk, and I was so happy, but I ended up not getting the job. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic but so far when I try to leave my current job it just never works out, like I get the interview but don’t get hired for whatever reason.

    So currently my plan is to stick it out with this retail job, become a decorator, and then go from there. My goal is to at least get full-time and then maybe go back to school. I’m hoping that by then I’ll have a better idea of what I would like to do.

    I totally agree with those reasons that you stated, my childhood being a war zone, as to why I have problems with assertiveness and not wanting to be around people. I like your suggestion on finding a less stressful job, without much contact with people in order to heal. I mean if anything at all, there are stores in my area that are slower and quieter that I could transfer to if need be.

     

     

    #268137
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I agree with you when you about accepting my reality for what it is, and to relax, which is exactly what I’ve been currently trying to work on especially through meditating. However, some days I’m okay with my reality and relax, and other days, like today, I am in full panic mode and don’t want to do anything but stare at the ceiling in despair haha. It has been very difficult for me to accept my reality, because I just don’t like where I’m at even though where I currently am (living with dad, working low paying job that I don’t like, not knowing what direction to take, being in the same spot for years) isn’t that bad, but just not where I want to be. So on a very daily basis, I resist it with my thoughts and emotions leaving me almost no room to relax.

    #267995
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I’ve been sharing some of my realizations with him so that might of done it. He expressed noticing that he gets upset at the smallest things. He’s never shared that with me.

    And honestly, I think it’s just me having hope that eventually i will discover what I want to do professionally. It’s just frustrating thinking that while I don’t know what to do my options seem very limited. Like choosing to move up in the company I currently work for just for the financial security. It drains my energy.

    #267985
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I’m not entirely sure what the message may be, but I think it’s to allow my parents to be as they are. Not having their support or involvement in my life has been a hard realization, but because of it I think I am able to learn how to do these things for myself. To love myself, to be compassionate towards myself, and to just build my own support system. Crazy how I’ve been really diving into healing this last week and I noticed today that my dad has acquired a little more awareness of himself. Interesting how it spreads.

    As for the reason behind having crappy parents, I always thought it was so I could somehow help others. If I could learn to heal myself, then maybe I could help other people heal too. I just haven’t gotten quit to the point of being able to help others in that way because I still have a lot of healing to do myself. After writing that though, I kind of feel like I’m onto something. Maybe a dream I never fully realized I had. Hmm…

    #267803
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Yeah, neither of my parents acknowledged my feelings. This would explain why half the time I have no idea what I’m really feeling. To discover all this is frustrating, and I can’t help but blame my parents for being so selfish, because now the burden is on me. I either have to choose to heal myself at this point, which frankly I really don’t know how. Or I keep the cycle of abuse, and hurt going, which at this point is just not an option. I’ve come too far to just give up on myself.

    When you said “But without such attention, we, are lost, unsure about ourselves…” is exactly how I feel. I feel like I have no idea who I am, what my interests are, how I feel, etc. I totally blame them for all this work I have to do now, and probably as I grow older. How can one not have resentment towards their parents when they have awareness for what their parents did / didn’t do?

    Sorry for the angry tone, I hate feeling like I know nothing about myself, being so disconnected from myself, and it’s because of how I was raised which I can’t go back and change. I’ve always hoped that there was a reason behind having such crappy parents, but I’m not sure.

    #267769
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    To think that both of my parents just see me as a person, and not their daughter really angers me. I say both parents because my relationship with my dad is pretty much the same however, instead of pushing his problems onto me, he’s just not involved in my life. The only thing he talks about with me and my sister is work, and his view points on certain topics. It’s not about us, it’s about him. Sounds like I have very narcissistic parents and it really upsets me, because I do blame myself for their behavior and disengaged attitudes. To me, it’s crazy that they are so blind to their absence in my life.

    Also, I noticed two things. As a child my parents never paid a lot of attention to me, but when they did whatever they said was a critic or judgment. For example,I remember when I was in middle school I was so excited that I had made it into Advanced Drama Class. I went over to my dad to share the good news, and his response was “Yeah, you are a drama queen.” It was the same with my mom, the only time she would pay attention to me was when I needed to fix something about my appearance. She would say things like “Nikkole, sit up straight, you’re slouching.” There’s just a lot of things that my mom would ask that at times seemed inappropriate, and very critical. She never asked me how I felt, what I dreamed of, and when she did she judged me for wanting that or feeling a certain way or just didn’t acknowledge it. If I said, “I’m feeling upset” she would ask why, but then go on to talk about something that bothered her.

    The other thing I noticed is I tend to put my issues on whoever my significant other is. I don’t hang out with many friends so I don’t project onto them, mainly because I don’t feel 100% comfortable around them. I’ve noticed this for a while but never understood why I do it, and where it came from, but I see it a little more clearly now. I’ve somehow learned that this is “okay” or think that this is how a relationship should be, just projecting my own issues onto my partner. I also, unfortunately, feel that I see other people as just a person, and not someone who has feelings, dreams, thoughts just as I do. Which kind of scares me, because I don’t want to feel as though other people don’t have feelings and that they are just there. No healthy, deep relationships with anyone can be established if I just see them as someone to lay problems on.

    #267565
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I’ve never taken the time to ask myself those questions, so I took some time to really think and feel it out. This is what I’m usually thinking when I’m with her and she’s talking about her problems: “Why does she focus so much on other people?”, “Why is she like this? What in her past happened to make her like this?”, “Just accept her. Just let her be who she is.”, I usually find myself analyzing / judging / trying to understand her actions and words.

    Being seen as “just a person” to my mom makes me feel hurt, empty, as if I’m not her daughter, a little confused, unaccepted, sad. I never feel like I can truly be myself around her. I’m always defensive around her, and feel like I can’t just allow myself to be.

    Yes, it is a lot of negativity that I feel. I just tone everything down because I feel like I am making things seem worse than what they are/ were. I still can’t seem to know if I really was emotionally abused or not. I feel like I was, but am still very unsure.

     

    Hello Lampost,

    Thank you for taking the time to write all that (: Yes, I like to analyze things a lot, but sometimes I analyze too much and I get stuck in my head. You’re totally spot on about the critical mindset, I experience that literally everyday. However, since I’ve started meditating I do find myself thinking a little less, but it’s still a work in progress. Just yesterday at work, I talked to a co-worker who I trust about my childhood. I have never shared that with anyone else besides my significant other, so it was really nice to finally open up and share a little of my story. I really am excited to be on the path of healing, so thank you again for the post!

     

    #267429
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I wanted to add: if I could financially support myself, I don’t think I would have much communication with both of my parents to be honest. I don’t think I would completly cut them off, but I feel that I would defenitly limit my time with them a lot

    #267425
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sorry. Continuing contact with my mom.

    #267411
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Honestly, I’ve discussed a couple of times with my younger sister about stopping communication with my mom altogether. I just get this crazy amount of guilt when I think about cutting her off, because 1. she won’t be around forever and 2. My mom has cut herself off from her parents (for a reason she never full expresses), and I would hate to do to my mom what she did to her parents.

    Despite these reasons, the only benefit I see for myself is it being sort of a practice of acceptance. Other than that I see no benefit.

    #267271
    Nikkole
    Participant

    Not good. We don’t fight anymore, but I don’t talk or visit her too much. When I do visit her, she just talks about work drama, and daily problems. I’m just a person to talk about her problems with, so I remain silent most of the time. So I leave feeling exhausted, and a bit negative. I hate talking about my parents like this like I’m ungrateful or something, but this is how I feel about them.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)