Happy New Year Anita!

Yes I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things! Is this really happening? I don’t know how I got out of bed this morning but I’m at a Starbucks working. I feel like dying I’m in so much emotional pain but I have hopes of healing. I’m not sure how or what to do with this pain. It hurts so bad at times. I felt my system go from loving and complassion to self hate and misery. It is sad. Sad to know many people face this. As well as myself. If we could all just be more loving to each other. Pondering life and what to do and how to keep my mind right when it fights me tooth and nail to old patterns. A lifelong so it’s much stronger than my new patterns I assume. Trying my best and advocating for myself.

Hi Anita

That is an interesting question. I guess I did mean it that way. That it is not their fault. Which is what I am struggling with..self blame.

I guess my question was if you understood from a trauma standpoint, meaning PTSD symptoms of the past holding on to us through our body and mind versus us wanting to hold onto the past. Like my flashbacks and nightmares and horrible anxiety with a mean inner critic. It is all old behavior but back in full affect since recent events with family. It seems uncontrollable at times.

Hi Anita,

Merry Christmas Eve!

Wow it is sort of hard reading all of these months of traumatic events and feelings. I have truly been through so much in the last year and a half. I am currently sticking to a medication. It feels like things are worse. I function worse and my self hate and flashbacks are worse. I hear it can get worse before better so I am sticking it out although so hard. It has been 1 month on new meds. I have a follow up next week.

I partially agree with your comments on seeing abuse everywhere. I was definitely paranoid of abuse after learning I was brainwashed in my relationship. This is true and it is a horrible feeling. But all of my life I have been skeptical. I have never trusted after the things I have been through. But with my family, meaning my brothers and aunt and even some cousins these comments and actions were purposely done. For instance my aunt making noise. I know this was her intention because I have seen her do this behavior in the past to others. Which I should have listened to my gut and even you when you told me I should get away. I stayed very long in abuse with my family. Actual emotional abuse. My brother smirked that night because getting a reaction from me was his intention. He thought after that night he would trigger me to being my old self. Which in a sense it did (hence all of my anxiety and running back to my family) He hit a wound that night so bad, I have felt in 6 months my young self re emerge. I have the physical pains I have felt all of my life and the emotional pain come in so hard to the extent I understand why people commit suicide and turn to drugs or men. Because I am so aware of it it has been dreadful. I literally feel like a worthless human being and my body feels like it is throwing up inside of me. My head feels like the actual nerves that run through it are on fire. I honestly would not wish this experience on anyone. I am in CBT therapy but I don’t feel understood so am looking else where. Not being validated is very difficult. I was abused emotionally, I was gas lit by my family. I just read an article here on Tiny Buddha on family narcissism. And scapegoating. I have been a scapegoat all of my life. If you are not informed on this you should look it up. I know we have disagreed in the past but this is really happening. The elders in my family scapegoat people in to being their slaves practically. I have been one my whole life believing it was my first priority to take care of family and leave myself to shit so to speak. And that is why when I started taking care of me and saying no I received an enormous lash back which came in the form of emotional bullying. I was not doing anything wrong so they chose to make me feel like I was wrong. And they get away with this because in those moments of actual abuse I dissociated and am unable to defend myself because it takes me back to a time to when I had no voice, it was taken from me. I now see this. I believe all of these horrific flashback and replaying of events are my brains way of processioning them because I zoned out. I am experiencing extreme rage. For all of the times I suppressed my emotions because of these cruel people. It is not their fault because I should be assertive but I can not use tools I do not have and there are cruel people in this world who can sense this and will manipulate you to make themselves feel better. It is sick and part of the reason I experience pure fright these days because I have had a lifetime of not only physical, sexual abuse but emotional from family and then a man who did the same to me. Going forward learning where the abuse is is a priority for me. It will be difficult for me to trust. Because all of my life I was guarded and chose to let my guard down for the months I was with family when trying to heal from my relationship and they shoved me back in my shell. Yes I do believe this was intentional. My cousins made comments like, do you think your special? We all get used. We all get a turn. We all need support and do not get it. I was smeared. I was gossiped about. I was made to feel completely uncomfortable around my family for NO reason other than being me and healing. It is so sick. I am so upset over this. It is painful. I do not wish to hold on to this but it is holding on to me and my body. Do you understand that from a trauma standpoint?

Thanks Anita,

The flashback was my brothers face the night I left that horrific meeting. He had an evil smirk when I left and it left me scared. And examples would be. My mom in her coffin, my aunt while she was dying and more so my childhood. The sexual abuse always! Very visual flashbacks that are unpleasant. Times I was hurt. My brain is doing an amazing job  and giving me all of my bad memories and no good ones. It is horrible. It is 24/7 unless I keep entirely busy or talk to myself which is what I do.  I can hardly focus.

Me too Anita, I am still in Limbo as the affects of this ongoing constant anxiety have caused me to be numb. I cannot feel anything and feel so disconnected from myself. It is such a confusing feeling. It is like my brain keeps trying to figure out what just happened in the last 6 months. I rather just feel the feelings but my brain and nervous system are  doing what they do best and protecting me.

Hi Anita

would love to respond to that message but am in a 3 day spiral of pure anxiety. The worst thoughts yet or maybe not the worst thoughts but the worst feelings and just depression. It’s always been anxiety but now leading to depression. I feel debilitated. And also terrified that cptsd is sometimes incurable? I don’t deserve to feel this way forever. I don’t deserve any of this no one does. My mind is mush lately. I can’t focus on what I need to do. I cannot remember what is even going on. My body is so stressed I feel like I want to jump out of it. And I find myself dying for any support once again. This is so scary to go through alone. I’m heartbroken.

Anita, the way you put that is hard to accept but it is true. Before this happened I was totally fine with my alone time. I was leaning toward florida. I was excited to be on my own. But the wound my family triggered is deep. It has brung that little girl begging for love out of me. Can you understand this? Have you ever related? My somatic therapist says this is normal. This happens when we are triggered in PTSD and then old programs take over.  My new ones are still there just harder to get to. The ones I made about loving myself, forgiving myself and trusting myself. The new programming on boundaries and not being codependent.

But to answer your question, no I do not like how that sounds. I like how Florida sounds. Away from everything. No cold. More peaceful. A new routine. New people. Steady therapy. Maybe swimming class. Possibly zumba or some dance, maybe boxing for the anger. I boxed my pillow last night. The rage and anger is coming out!!! I have been allowing this and it is hard.