Hi Anita,

I have thought of some new possibilities. Including, finding a new job Asap. My boss is triggering me daily. He is a special kind of cruel. Today he made a anonymous Offer Up page and antagonized me on it. I believe sometimes you have doubted the abuse I have endured recently out of the belief that it is my perception of the world. I know I am living with an abused filter. 100%. But it does mean there is no abuse. Abuse has happened because I allow it. Tonight I am feeling so much. I am so disappointing that I did not care for myself. That I sabotaged my life because of the actions of others again. It hurts so bad right now. There were so many times I knew what I should do but my anxiety and constant care for others caused me to prioritize me right under my nose. I always felt like I was doing what was best for me but I was letting the voice in my head win. It hurts. I thought I learned that I should come first. I thought I was healing. I should of listened to you and others on what moves to make. I feel like I let myself down. I have been sabotaging for decades. I am so scared of healing and for what is to come. I fear I will keep being abused. And even more that I will keep abusing myself in my head. I do not deserve it and I still struggle to love me. I struggle to forgive. I am so hard on myself. I am repeating all that was told me all of my life. I realize my entire childhood consisted of being wrong. I was never right. I could be sick and I was told to suck it up, I could be hurt at school and I was asked what I did, someone could have disrespected me and I was told to hush, My grandma could have isolated me and I was told to not disrespect my elders, I was sent out into the world with 0 tools on how to protect myself. My parents lived such a toxic dangerous life yet never felt the need to tell me about the cruel cruel world. I was left to fend for myself so submitting was my choice so that I can control not being hurt. At least that is how I seen it. I am so sad by this. I needed help. I needed protection. I was so scared all the time. I did not know whether I would come home to no mom again, my dad beating on the walls, locked in the bathroom overdosing on drugs, my brothers bullying me, whether it would be a night for a sneak attack from my brother and his penis on my back. God it hurts to admit this. It hurts to know I had no one and still have no one to protect in my family. I truly feel like I need help and continue trying to do this on my own. I am struggling. I am a grown woman who is feeling like a 5 year trying to live on her own with no contact from the outside world. I am completely exhausted.

Rant over. I sit here in tears. I sit here scared for the future. I sit here wondering who can I turn to? It was never fair for me to have to go through everything alone and why do I have to now?

Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did. Yes I had a moment back in April where my feelings regarding the muse my brother did was overwhelming and a friend of mine suggested to just call and not assume what to expect so I did.  She was very supportive she was shocked and I was in a really bad place and she can tell so she’s fine you shouldn’t be alone I will buy you a ticket and you can come stay with me for sometime. At the time Covid was happening so I was resistant. We spoke for a few days after and I haven’t been in contact since. I think it’s just the fact that I never forget what she did to me back when I lived with her and also my anxiety just making me believe I’ve got abused again and feeling terrified. It is so confusing because I know more than anything I need some kind of love and Connection in my life. But I need to feel it and not just be so logic I need to feel cared about again. All I have enjoyed is stress upon stress with no human contact or hog or assistance or anything. It’s just been me going through hell. I’m not really sure what my next step is but I need to do something.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for getting back. I am sad too that it is the case. Here is the good. I’ve managed to lead a clean life regardless of my anxiety and depression. I am still working. I haven’t turned to men. I’m still trying to reach out for help.

Regarding medication and a psychiatrist, no I currently am not on anything. I decided to get off a while ago because I felt it was making me more but honestly I feel like the screaming girl is going to keep screaming until I give her something familiar. Does that seem too far fetched?

I’ve tried 4 medications. Found a psychiatrist here and it didn’t work. I’m not sure how to find a good one. I was recommended this Dr. who asked me in a session which medication I’d like to try. It was not reassuring. It’s tiring to keep trying when I have had so many bad experiences after the next. Nothing good getting thrown in between.

I totally forgot there was a time you offered your place. Back when I was in a hotel. You may be right. I’d likely find abuse.

Here’s what I will say about the abuse or people treating me wrong. I know it is less personal and more just the way people are. The logic I know but can’t feel it. Because I’ve been in so much pain that I can’t feel in my bones that I’m not the issue.

Here are some examples of the things that have happened here. Please do let me know if you think they are being perceived wrong.

my first roomates:

a small family, a single mother of a 16 year old and his grandmother.
This was a beautiful poolside suite in their home. We discussed expectations upon arrival and agreed on that. At this point I’m drained and exhausted from my Chicago experience and really did not want a relationship with these people just a room to rent. I made this clear. The woman asked me if I’d be ok with doing housework for less rent and I said No a firm no. Practicing boundaries. I knew that I just wanted peace and quiet. So not what I received. She said ok no problem to my answer at the time of moving in. 2 weeks in she asks me for a couple of favors. 2 I had to decline and one I did against my better judgement of not really wanting to do it. After declining to take her mother to do her nails or lunch and living my life in their home as I intended things got very awkward and aggressive. I would wake up to garbage cans in front of my car. Music playing right next to the door of my bedroom in the morning. We agreed on no curfew. The latest I came home was 11:30 and she started to lock me out with a lock I had no key to so I had no choice but to call her and then she acted like I was a big problem. I then asked if she would either not lock it or give me the key so I didn’t have to wake her because that wasn’t what we agreed on and she laughed.

these are a few, things got really weird

here is 2nd roomate, met her at church.

Tell her about my roomate situation so she offers to come check out a room in her place. She has 2 kids she doesn’t have custody of. They are only to spend the night 2 times a month. Ok.

I move in, 1 week later all of a sudden she is getting her kids every weekend and I have to share my bathroom. Ok. Now all of a sudden she is asking if I can pick one up from school and take one to the gym and I say no. She goes to the extent of saying it shouldn’t be a problem since I work from him and she figured I could just step out and get them! I’m sticking to the boundaries I’m trying to make and I say no. I probably explained way too much that I was working regardless if it was at home and that there was no way I can pick them up and do these arrangements. Later that evening I expressed to her that I did not like that she was asking me to take responsibility for these things when I told her from the beginning that I wanted nothing more than a room to rent especially after what I was going through in my last roommate situation. She did not like when I express that to her. I kid you not some of the same behavior started happening. She started locking me out. Her kids started misplacing things that were mine in the bathroom. They put all my things on the bottom of the sink and took up the entire thing. It just got really uncomfortable.

Now my third roommate. This was a cabana suite. My favorite by far. Because it was independent but attached to a woman’s home and had a beautiful pool on the water. I thought for sure this one was going to be the one. I didn’t divulge  so much for my information like I did with the others. I just wanted to move in with my life and live my life. Well Covid happened. AnyWho things were well for sometime. Two older women lived in the home and we seem to get along really well. I cooked for them and spend time talking to them and even encourage them to get in the pool with me that they never used even though they had it right there. When we started opening up after Covid I started going back to my normal life or at least trying. So they started noticing I wasn’t home much for giving them any attention I guess. So they started making comments about that they don’t see me anymore and where have I been. Immediately I realized I let my boundaries down. I got to close with them and now they expect Me to be around and continue what we were doing during quarantine. I didn’t like constantly being asked where I was. I honestly don’t feel like it’s their business. Then it became can you help me move my plants around. I said no I am not interested in doing any yardwork I told you that from the beginning. And she said well you are always using the pool. Which is something she offered me without me asking when I decided to take the place. I thought the room was a bit expensive and she said it comes with complete pool usage. So I definitely got you side of the pool. And now here she is expecting me to do yardwork because I’m going in her pool. This time I knew immediately I had to get out I didn’t wait around for the passive aggression or the craziness. I experienced some but I’m but was working on my way out. I now live in an independent apartment with no such happenings.

My observation, people think I should do for them when renting me a room, even though I’m paying full priced room cost. It makes no sense to me. The reason I take it personal because it triggers a part of me that has always been the running woman for everyone. I want to be seen for being myself not for what I can do for you!!
mall of these people made me feel useless if I wasn’t goi to comply to what they wanted which reminded me of family.

Is it bad that after 8 months without family I realize the world isn’t all fluffy and maybe they weren’t so bad. And not all of them but some of them might be worth getting in touch with?

Have I spoke to them no. Minus my aunt who I reached out to during a time of crisis. I was having panic attacks daily and nightly with the abuse of my brother coming up so I told her. She was supported and offered to buy me a plane ticket to come stay with her a few weeks. I wish I would have but at the time I got scared. Remembered how she treated me and went no contact agin.

but after experiencing the aggressiveness from these other women when I don’t do what they want it just makes what my aunt did feel normal. They are going based off of what they were taught. And my boundaries make them feel uncomfortable. But let me know what you think. I know that you were always honest. Do you think I see abuse everywhere Or that people are indeed being abusive in the situation?

Hi Anita,

How is life treating you?

It has been a while. Yea I had been in pretty much a state of intense fear for a long time. I still do. But have periods of numbing, forgetting and confusion. A lot of pain and anger. Sadly anger at myself most times. My anxiety can literally make me hate myself. It is unfair. Makes me sad.

Hope you are well despite our Worlds current condition..

What about my ex? And his family? They are here in Florida. Anita I feel I need help or I’m going to go crazy. I can’t even function to work these days. I need energy from somewhere I am so alone and my old programming is running rampid

It’s worse but I think the same or just more because I’ve made a lot of impulsive decisions that have gotten me more hurt. I know that I see abuse everywhere due to being abused but I also attract toxic people I know this is not perceived cruelty. But even though I know it’s not personal the little girl me is so hurt and feels like she is dying. My body hurts from anxiety.

and this virus is only making it worse. This covid is getting scary. I hope you are doing well during this time. I know it is a hard time all over the world.

Hi Anita,

Im attending therapy my therapist suggested an intensive program. My head tells me this is ridiculous but I do believe I’ve suffered much trauma on my life and this could help. I have so much to process. Trying to function but this is so difficult. But I will not give up.
I continue beating myself up for the way I self sabotaged myself. I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways due to fear. I’m wondering how do I begin forgiving myself. I try to forgive and when I don’t I kind of give up.

Hi Anita

So I began a beginning

I attended a church met a woman who is also alone in the city. She introduced me to the church.

i also attended a meet up with a spiritual group who went over the 16 steps. Wow amazing. It was the safest group I’ve met yet ❤️

the weather is great.