Hi Anita,

You are so right about that. The new attention is nice, especially in the beginning. Still holding up on the boundaries. I have had to be in contact with my brother for my father’s care. My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But I still do not like some of the roads our conversations take and I am still working on this. I also fear gaslighting from him. I think the past has to do with it but also that my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it. Sorry if I am ranting here. I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head.

Thank you for that complement Anita! Saying I am most deserving of my gift. That means so much to me 🙂

Hi Anita,

I have yet to read your post on Loneliness but I will! I do recognize loneliness is a more wide spread issue than just myself.  Most people are afraid of people, like me lol.

It is weird to look at those past posts I have made. To think I was in so much pain and so confused most of the time. I am so grateful I have made such progress. I am thankful for never giving up even though I thought about it a million times.

I am working on continuing my life here independently. Due to my father being in such critical condition my brother and I had been in a lot of contact. But now he is getting a bit better. I am working on having less contact with him and sticking to my boundaries. This is something I do across the board. I lose myself in situations, relationships etc. Each time I notice and something arises I learn more and more that I was just so raised to do do do for others. Almost like I was invisible. So I am really just working on what my truth is. Who am I? What do I stand for? How do I develop relationships and own my spot in it.

My brother can get clingy so I think in this situation just remembering that I have a say in how much time I give him is my first step. And when I begin to feel bad for him, I have to remember that I am not responsible for his feelings.

Anita,

Very true, the stability from my job and consistency of where I have been living have helped get me back in a better place. I had not recently thought about the correlation between the moving around I was doing and my childhood. Growing up we moved around quite a bit. Finances were not stable.  I can still get really anxious when something unexpected happens. I fear the worse. I’ll be homeless and unable to provide for myself. With the work I have been doing I know this to be untrue. I have, even at my most fearful, always provided for myself. In the future I would like to better my relationship with money. I would like to thrive. Nonetheless,  I am grateful for what I do have.

Yes, past relationships and even the most recent one created turmoil. This last man was really just a distraction from dealing with where my life was. But I was also craving male attention as I still do. I settled with him. I knew he was not good for me or my soul but I continued on. Eventually, the differences were so clear that I could not stand to see him one more time. I have been peaceful since. But, I still believe in my heart that I was born to be a Mom and wife. My lifelong dream! I am 35 now, will it ever be? I have juggled with maybe it won’t. and I will have to live with that. I really just struggle to make friends or relationships. It is the trust issue. I hide myself a lot. I also attract similar patterns in people, but now, more than ever I feel so much more self aware about this.

Last week I started back into my new role after my voluntary demotion. It has been peaceful. I learned so much in leadership. I learned that I lead well. I lead with my heart and soul. My team loved me and I loved them. But, I learned that my boundaries would soon creep in. And to constantly work on boundaries can, at times, be empowering but also exhausting. Most times I gave way too much of myself. I look forward to spending the rest of this year treating work as just work and creating a life outside of it.

Bringing me to my family…

Your always spot on Anita! I can easily go into a nostalgic place with family. I do believe we had some wonderful times. My Father came in June, and it was great! We spent five days together. I knew better than to get attached. He struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. I know too well. He loves me when he can but he will most likely always return to his ways. I am coming to peace with this. As for my brother, it is just simple texts. I just want peace with them. I know they cannot provide the family environment I craved for so long.  But with my niece, this relationship is important to me. I know that she will need me in her life. She is 15 now. She will soon be heading for life’s ups and downs as well all do as we grow up and I want to be a wise person in her life. I love her so much. I am so happy to be in touch with her. I would love to go see her this summer. No exceptions, other than it my job to love her the best I can while I am in her company.

Yes, I wish I would have been able to apply your wonderful advice on relationships in a better way back then. I do believe I can function this way now. Mindfulness can be hard for me some times but I am starting to slow down more. I really would like to create connections that are stimulating and balanced.  I know that it begins with me. If I give/offer to much of me too fast I will likely attract people that will take quicker than I give. I look forward to slowing down. Paying attention to people and just having fun if I can. I just need the motivation to do it. I think talking about it is a start!

I am glad that you are fine. You mean a whole lot to myself, so can imagine how others on here feel as well. We had not spoke for 1.5 years but I always thought about you and your advice. The idea that you spent so much time reading my long, dramatic emails at times and you would be patient and kind and offer really good advice is so beautiful. Always will be appreciated.

Hi Anita!

I’ve thought about you and getting on here. It’s been a while.

yes, I’m a Christian. And still haven’t tried the dating site. I haven’t given dating a lot of thought lately.

i do still think of my ex, but realize that is just my nostalgia. He has never reached out after getting the news I was living in Florida. He is not who I thought he was. I wish I could erase him from my mind.

My mind does this thing where it likes to create reasons why people do things, excuses. So I can keep believing a lie. But I’m working through this pattern. Not easy

how are you?

Hi Anita,

I did not make a Christian Mingle yet. But I did go on a few others. I have not enjoyed my experience so far. A lot of the stereotypical dating site things I have heard. Sending me explicit photos that I did not ask for. Very vague small talk. But I am not giving up. Just got turned off by it. I do get discouraged but I will continue to work on me while I search for a partner. But I am open to any advice and help. Thanks Anita!

Hi Anita,

You help has been so much. Honestly, I think back to the beginning of our threads and even now I still rely on your wisdom. I appreciate it. I am blessed to have people guiding me.

Yes I will have to patiently quit sugars and fried foods. It has been a battle because I rely on them for moments of happiness I guess. They give me that high. Like an addiction. I was attending a boot camp for 2 months and lost 20 bs. I felt so great and was feeling like my self. At some point I started to notice that the vibe was not as great as I thought it should be. I was celebrating my little wins and was so proud of my progress but the trainers made me feel like I was not doing enough. So I quit. I think I should have thought that one out better. I ended up gaining back what I lost and started eating out of control again. I am a bit disappointed in that. I think that is why I have been hesitating finding a routine again. But it is pretty serious that I start something. Health wise.

Thank you Anita, that makes me feel better. I can go as slow as I would like. I historically jump right into things. That has not worked out 90 percent of the time. I am working at slowing down and appreciating things for what they are. It could be fun to date. I just do not know where to look. Most websites are trashy and scary to me. But I guess I will not know until I try?

Thanks Anita,

I decided to let myself have the meltdown. I am human and it is sad. I’ve truly isolated myself. I need a hug.

Well to begin I don’t know a safe way to date. I’ve never dated before. Like in a healthy way so it scares me. I guess it would just be easier to run back to the ex so that’s probably why I have him on my mind. But I’ve always imagined giving us another shot. I don’t feel so great about myself. So who will I find like that? More manipulative men I assume. But trying to get in more healing to feel better and do everything alone isnt working either. I want to cuddle and possibly be physical with someone. But I feel so guilty for that. I’m really confused in this area.

Hi Anita,

Am getting back later than I’d like to have again. A lot has changed since we last spoke. Although I’ve been consistent with work and have caught up financially, it has become so stressful. I’m working in a call center. The pain I feel and sense here is extreme. People intentionally triggering people all day long like a zoo! I’m sorry if I seem more angry than usual. But I have had it. I’m overwhelmed. I am burned out. I don’t have much enjoyment in my life. It is just work work and healing. I feel so alone again.
Last night I made a decision to email my ex.
I simply asked if he would like to have dinner and that I needed a hug so tight.
He replied that he would love to do so and would be completely ok with holding me as long I needed but that he had to be upfront that he was in a relationship. He did not want to be a liar again.

Now I 100 percent know this is a red flag but we emailed back and fort a bit more and just thinking about him holding me makes my body calm and my heart warm. I’m so tired of being alone. And every time I try to do something in connection it back fires. I have so much built inside because it’s always just me.

Please help me organize these feelings somewhat.

I have all this time never stopped to speaking to someone who hurt me so badly. Could there be any good come from this? I don’t trust my recent decision making.