Dear anita,

I interpreted your tone as unpleasant/annoyed/impatient this time, which makes me hesitate to say more, and this is probably my pattern when communicating with others. Please note that I’m not blaming you and I’ve been grateful for your efforts.

So the other was the man basically, I chose not to clarify because I didn’t want you to think that I still thought about him to be honest.

As we’re talking about my way of communications here, it’s true that I kept much to myself when interacting with him, but the outcome wasn’t good when I opened up later, it’s like he didn’t want to deal with those things from me

Dear anita,

Thanks for the reminder, I’ll see what I can do.

I saw this article (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/setting-emotional-boundaries-stop-taking-on-other-peoples-feelings/?fbclid=IwAR2QgQZ6pBocSO72c8BzUcBsaFDRBqYAY8xBcYYAQpcZdOtegHsbasqmsHo) today and wondered how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something.

Dear anita,

My apologies for confusion. With this friend, the contacts are daily, though we stopped once because of a small misunderstanding, but we cleared that (I made a similar but stronger point that the other wouldn’t hear from me again if it’s not my turn to speak, hm, now it sounds like a threat, thankfully, the friend understood what I meant).

I was specifically referring to that man when I wrote that I couldn’t practice the respectful behaviour, probably because 1) the pattern was different from the beginning, 2) he’s not merely a friend, so when there was no interaction for longer than what it used to be, I got worried and insecure. Of course, it’s all ended at the moment

Dear anita,

I hope to bring good news here next time, for now I’ll relax and try to free myself.

Thank you for replying always <3

Stay healthy and see you!

Dear anita,

I admire how you present yourself here to help others daily, that’s unselfish.

About my last question, for example, I say something to the other person, but my principle of waiting for the other to respond before going further, when there’s no cue (or “green light”) for me to go on, even if there’s more I’d like to share, I can only keep silence. The whole idea kind of limits myself, right?

Dear anita,

Thanks again for your efforts. I kind of burst into tears because it looked like it was all my fault.

Somehow it makes sense to me to be precise (in my way)” when posting then add info when asked. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get enough attention before finding this forum.

Below are a bit of further explanations for what you gathered from my story, but you’re mostly right:

When I returned to my country in 2018, I didn’t expect him to stay in touch, but he did and rather frequently, that’s why I got used to the pattern.

About contacts, even though I rarely initiate, I always respond, and I expect the other does that, too, to keep the chats going. Like if the topic ends on him, it’s his turn to talk.

Talking much isn’t selfish, in fact, I talked a lot when I was with him, because the vibes were a lot better and his tones and facial expressions were visible. Yet I would leave some things unsaid at the same time, as they weren’t necessary to be addressed.

The opening up was the last time not the first, but I never said it before: “I don’t need on and off contacts”, then he replied with less contacts didn’t mean the way I thought. As for the one which includes my fear of people leaving, he didn’t respond, but he stayed afterwards.

To your comments:

1) When I was there with him, I gave feedback, but he made it clear from the beginning that he didn’t want a girlfriend, plus my own concerns, I opted to not show overly interest. However, I did share things with him, just not seeing the other and some of his words really stand in the way. Also, I suppose that I should distinguish something between a committed relationship and an uncommitted one, and I’m still trying to figure this out better.

2) Your words are rather fresh to me, “the theory” might be true. And I may be hot and cold to him if he ever cared, but his behaviours were the same in my opinion, or I wouldn’t suffer.

3) I hope I’ll meet one in the future whom I can talk more freely, in other words, without assuming further since I already feel secure (but that probably should come from myself).

On the other hand, I think it’s good to talk about my childhood, even though now it’s done with this man, I feel the problem may occur with other people in the future, just if I’m “lucky”, the next one would be willing to commit, then some of what happened with this man wouldn’t repeat.

These days I thought, maybe there will be a better one for me, but even without, I should feel better without this man now when the situation can’t be saved. Having said that, I can’t help mourning the loss, just I’ve stopped crying.

Dear anita,

It’s somewhat frustrating that I couldn’t use English as good as I thought, but I’ll try again.

#1 My mother also picks up fights with me by saying whatever is on her mind, and pushes me to talk rather than being silent.

#2 My mother blocks people on social media and she likes to announce that action, which seems childish to me. I consider myself mature compared to that behaviour, and the man acted maturer than me most of the time, so I related part of my attempt to stay mature because of him.

#3 My mother expects us to listen to her lengthy stories, when we don’t, she often lashes out and threats that there’s no need to gather. Whenever that happens, I wish she’d realise how others aren’t interested and control her later temper.

#4 It’d be kind of pathetic if I have to force myself not to believe anyone I encounter in the future to avoid falling into this situation again. But maybe that’s one thing I need to do.

#5 When I’m upset with someone, I just keep silence and wait for the other to break the ice, which is my father’s behaviour during a fight with my mother.

You were right about the sacrifice part. My mother thinks I’m lucky.

And you understood totally well about the last part. As the vibes started to get bad, he once complained that he had to be careful talking to me. Of course, he doesn’t know my concerns. Besides, I burdened myself to express properly: not too self-centred yet not pathetic

P.S. Recently I’ve reminded myself of what he said unpleasantly during the last conversation, which may be unhealthy, but it’s a way for me to wake up.