I pay for everything because I make 3 times what he does. I started paying for all, when he lost his job years ago. Then, he has had several jobs that pay about 40% of what I make. He pays tuition for college. I sort of fell into that situation. He does save money well, but it is all under his control. On the surface, he acts like we are equal partners, ( with my money), but then holds onto his own, unless he feels like spending it (cruises?). We have had separate accounts since day one. Breathe and pray, that is all I can do today.

R-1: the reason he was afraid for decades was that the misinformation he received at our divorce, was that he was mentally crushing me, that I was deathly afraid of him, and would call the police if he ever approached me. This was truth to him, as he had been given a restraining order against him. This restraining order was forged and signed by my (grand) mother and the lawyer she was in cahoots with, to make sure I had no communication with him. He thought he had destroyed me (never the case), and was afraid to approach, thinking I would rip into him and/or upset me terribly. He was told I was in a mental hospital for a short period before school started due to him. It was such a woven web of lies. I see the procrastination side of him more clearly now. He knew of my life 2-3 years later, as we had mutual friends in the same area, and he asked about me lots of times, and I didn’t know about that at all. He called and left a message when my grandmother died, but I remember hearing that he left a message about condolences and hoped we were doing well per R-2.. R-2 erased it before I ever got home and just told me about it. (NO cells in the day, just home land lines). He is a procrastinator I can see this so clearly now. And my ” get it done now” attitude is in conflict at times with this.
R-2: When we first married, I wanted separate accounts. He was very practical and for example, could not understand why a woman needs more than 3 pairs of shoes. ( Work, going out and sneakers). I would not be controlled like that, and spent my money back then anyway I wanted. This was all OK when he owned businesses and life was grand. My money was for me and any way I wanted to spend. He did pay all house expenses and vacations. So, that worked out well. When he went bankrupt, it was a lifesaver that I had my own credit cards, car in my own name and no financial connection, that would be taken from me as a spouse possibly. He has gotten cheap these years, and that is why I cant combine accounts, as he will moan of how I waste money. Well, we would not have cell phones or cable or internet, if left to his way. That is how that developed over the years. I want it, I get it with no permission needed.
You do make sense when you state that if I am not really suffering, I am not motivated to leave. That is correct. I feel more courage, when I am irritated and pissed at him.
As for getting older, I don’t think he has the capability of “taking care” of me in my old age. He is adverse to medical issues. I have had breast lumps my whole life, with the yearly mammograms and biopsies over the years, more numerous than I can count. If I should need breast surgery/mastectomies/ chemo, I don’t feel he would be much support currently. He always says if something “happens’ to me, who will pay the bills? REALLY? That is your biggest concern? I always joked that if I was seriously ill, he would be measuring the coffin for me, and not be that supportive due to his negativity and always thinking of the worst case scenario. My latest scare related to mammo and something funky on it (requiring a re-do) terrified me. But I never said a word, and did the re-do and no info to him. So grateful that it was nothing at this time. I never confided in him. I did confide in R-1 who listened to my fears and my panic, and soothed and calmed me. He said he wants me to be healthy and live a long life with him. The graphic talk I was telling him about how breast cancer is treated, and the aftermath/ugliness of it all did not phase him one bit. He listened and listened. Then he said that he loves me with our without boobs. He loves my laughter and my soul. It felt good to hear that, even though I knew it wasnt logical, I felt better. When I called him after the second one and informed him nothing wrong, his voice became shaky, and I knew he had tears. as he said he had prayed for days on this for a good outcome.
So, R-1 not officially free, R-2 knowing nothing of my thoughts. Not so much a cliff, more of a closing one door and opening another one to freedom of myself. Working on it! Grandmother= guilt and fear. NO longer alive and still has control if I let it. For each guilt story in my head, I push it back with I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY….not live for another in a servile and emotionless role. Thanks for your time and consideration, Anita.

HI Anita,
Yeas you have understood where I am coming from. It seems like the nurse caretaker role is one that I find many nurses like me, who settle for taking care of a lesser man than they deserve. Many of us are considered a catch, because we are a “nurse with a purse”. A wife who can have a career, and not be taken care of, no pressure on the man to have to worry about taking care of both himself AND her. But as young people, we date doctors, lawyers, etc, and notice how they don’t “need” us, and don’t need a caretaker. We don’t feel as important, and search for the man who needs some sort of care-taking. I am not speaking of all, but a lot of nurses that I know of.

The idea of not talking care and fixing things for others is attractive. I’m tired. I do want that freedom, and realize that the interactions/relationship I have had for the last 36 years, is what has always “worked” for R-2. I dont think he knows any other way.
I feel like the following example:
A crab trap is a ridiculous piece of trap, that allows crabs to crawl in and crawl out through that large opening. . They all get in there, and a solo crab can’t break free. He is pulled down by the others, and not free to get out. It is like he has to stay in the crab trap, because the others wont let him free and pull him down every time. I have felt like that. I know there is an opening, but I cant free myself to move quickly on what I need to do, in order to breathe freedom. Pulling e down are my thoughts and “what if’s. It is all my doing, I know that for sure. I think the challenge I have, is that I do not have any close girlfriends or friends to confide of this. I see a therapist, but that is once a month or so, and I just don’t have that weekly support from a good friend that wont judge me. I have confided in one friend a year ago who lives alone in a 4 bedroom cabin, but she disagrees and says that R-2 ain’t so bad, and she had worse and I should stick it out. That I owe him something for 36 years together.(!) She says she stuck it out until he died. (Hmm, convenient, no?). She doesn’t offer a few days respite or even a room for just a week or two, when I leave. And has never asked me since about any of that since then. . I realized I did not and do not have anyone who would support me emotionally, so I have to toughen up and not break. I feel so alone with Nan’s Little Secret.

I think I resent the change of personality that came about during the vacation. I resent that I had to tolerate years of feeling like I am lesser than him. It seems that was how he was able to cope with his unemployment and bankruptcy 10 years ago, by making me feel like the “little woman”, even though I continued to rise up the career ladder, and took over all payments, in order to keep the life stable for my young son at the time. He recovered but the rules never changed. I was still paying everything, because he stated I dont save money. He is a good saver, but it almost feels like hoarding sometimes.

I feel leery as to what is the motivation of this change? As we both get on with jobs and just the 2 of us being in the home, it may change back to the original behavior. Not sure if he is just relaxed post-vacation or what. I dont feel love for him anymore, just a tolerance and pity for several years going back now. I see his dependency on me growing daily. I hate being the “mommy” all my life.

As for R-1, his naivete’ has put him in his situation. He also went through bankruptcy and lost over a half million dollars in stocks and investments during the 2008 crash. This exacerbated the anger and hate from his wife, and escalated the destruction of their relationship from the fine lifestyle they had before. He works 6 days a week now, and pays the house bills. He doesn’t have any significant nest egg, so is very concerned to just walk out and lose his interest in the house. Interestingly he has never asked for assistance or a dime from me, though he knows I am at a high level job and make a comfortable living. He refuses even as I had offered a small sum for an emergency that came up, and always insists on paying for all expenses when we are able to meet up.
My warning signs are the financial situation that R-1 is in, as well as some of his passivity with the family. I guess there is a downside to “too much calm” sometimes, huh? His attention and words are sweet, and I am being as rational as possible with the reality of all this. I have told him “talk is cheap..” He has stated he will walk away from all of it, pick me up and let us disappear off the grid, if I asked him to. Very tempting, but I laugh it off and say what next after that? Life is complicated on both sides, and it isn’t that easy. I am seeing that I cant depend on anyone, just me. And since my heart is numb towards R-2, it feels kind of sad to think I would just hang out here til I die?
I feel I wont marry again, to anyone. I will want the freedom to walk away from any relationship, without all the strings attached. Once married, men start to relax and not make the effort as much after the first few years.

I do love R-1 very much, but wont become so connected, that his problems become my problems due to a married legal status. Who’s kidding who? It will take years for me to go through all the legal steps of divorce myself, in order to protect and not lose all I worked for. I just want to be free to live my own life, not be responsible for coordinating R-2’s life and his increasing dependency on me to take care of everything, right down to the dental appointments, laundry, cooking and packing his lunch. It would be great to have a decent apartment and live my own life, without having to say where I am going, or having the phone ring 4-5 times when I am out shopping, etc, for the day. The way I am feeling right thismonet, is I could just get in my car, grab my dog and do a “Thelma and Louise” but without the Louise. Apologies for the long answer, just good to type out my gut!

HI Triangle Sun: My plan is to live single for at least a year and explore my self. The “boyfriend” I speak of, is the first deep love I had and married for one year in 1974.. My first post-(Past/Present/Future) months ago explains all the background. I don’t expect to be like I was 40 years ago. I may see him every month for a few days, but that is the plan for now. There is lots of history on my first post. I am pretty independent these days, as no favors or indulgences are done for me. I do so much for everyone here before myself. R-1 and I arenow in our 60’s and we have grown into maturity and a deep understanding of what went wrong and how the lies and manipulations that tore us apart as a naive 19 year old and her 21 year old husband. I am married 35 years now to husband 2, and this is where it is.

Hi Anita: MY sentimentality( and/ or guilt) does guide me erroneously sometimes or most of the time. I think the deep fear will come from the verbal assault that will come loud and vicious. And then the collapse into despair like a wounded animal. I think I fear the words of ” You f”ing whore, You selfish bitch, etc”. I know I am not a whore, I have cheated on him this one time now 33 years later and with R-1, who was an old love that was taken from me..I didn’t go looking or trolling for strangers. I will not bring up R-1 in any conversations, though he may feel that is the ONLY REASON I would leave the marriage. Maybe I have a small concern that maybe he is right? SO, I think I fear this. Echoes of my mother’s voice, coming back? The fear that this is true? No one can give me courage, I must take my own courage and forge through. The danger is that R-2 can break me down with his words and actions that I may think have a seed of truth, and doubt myself. I anticipate a divorce wont come easy, because he might want to make sure I am destroyed financially or legally, in order not to find peace for myself. I am ready to remain in the limbo state of separation for years if need be and however long it takes. I contemplate the single life, the apartment, the selling of this old house, my career, traveling freely, etc, in order to remain focused on the future, and not let the present drown me.