Hi Brandy (or is it Tony?), I hear you about why replying isn’t completely selfless- I hear you and understand. I have only stumbled across this site occasionally in the past and never subscribed or posted before. I’m guessing you may have posted in the past because you needed to share something and get some help yourself? 

I think learning more about yourself is a wonderful thing and the biggest part of this journey we call life. Isn’t life about being happy and that starts with being happy in our own company. I believe that every tine we interact with another person, we learn just a little more about ourselves. If we just observe ourselves and take a back seat and listen to how we feel, respond and then have the mindfulness  and courage to explore that, we never stop growing. Already, in just a few messages, I have learned from you and that is mainly because despite the difficult situation I find myself in, my overriding desire is to move forward and grow so I’m listening to what you say, taking it in and learning. I guess that’s the reason I reached out initially and the fact that you not only replied, but did so in the way you did, has restored my faith that there are good people out there and, as I’ve always held dear, everyone has a story to tell and none of us are alone in that. The ‘perfect’ people don’t exist- not on the inside anyway?.

So now you have me curious.im intrigued to know what ‘your story’ is. I can hear some clues in what you say but it’s the how you say it that intrigues me more. You speak so eloquently and with intelligence and ease that it’s easy to pick up similarities and areas that resonate. 

So what is it or was it that you felt guilt for in such a way that you can identify with what I said? I love the ‘yes’ people comment. I have those in my life who, when I take the risk and be vulnerable with them and tell my story, only seem to want to appease my guilt and offer an opposing view to cancel out what I really think and feel. I know they mean well but what I want and need is someone to say ‘yeah! You’re right, you made shit decisions and it’s had an affect on xyz but let’s talk about why and get to the root cause’ instead of saying I’m a great dad because lots of dads in your position would have walked away. I don’t want to compare myself to the lower quartile of Dad Standard- I want to be compared to the premier league dads and to earn that right, there’s a journey to travel. I know people mean well but sometimes we need to walk a mile in each other’s heads to really get it and understand and therefore, be able to truly help. Maybe that’s why sites like this help? Likeminded people talking to likeminded people who know how they want to improve but just don’t know what to do next? 

Your approach to exercise and your awareness of your physical state on your emotional state is so powerful. So many people understand the need to exercise but don’t relate that to why or their own need. In my teens and adult life, exercise has been an integral part of who I am. When I was younger I played all sports, I used to box for the army and more latterly I have run marathons to a decent standard- mainly because I was dedicated and focused. I always used running as a release and I haven’t had that in a long time. During stressful periods of my life, I would gauge how long on each run it would take to stop thinking about the source of the stress and at that point I would observe a complete shift into a different mindset where I would dream up quite innovative solutions to my problems. I miss that and that’s what I’m trying to regain- I guess I need to work on the discipline and make it a habit again. Prioritise what’s important for me and then not be afraid to be a little selfish and just do it- right!

There’s nothing wrong with being a drinking lightweight- or even more importantly, having the awareness of what the effects are on you and the way you think. I’ve never really thought of it that way before- I’m more than aware of the physical effects (and in that how stupid I am knowing that and wanting to be fit too!) but I’d never really considered the exaggerating effect of alcohol on my mind. You see, I’ve always seen it as synonymous with relaxation. I drink at home but only in a certain environment; it’s when the day is done, I create an atmosphere in the house and then take a drink to complete the picture. I only do this because somewhere in my life I have related this to a place or a time where I felt certain and safe and that to recreate it makes things ok for a while. I have a ‘dark, rainy, Friday nights’ thing from when I was a kid and always felt safe and secure and I think it stems from that. I think I need to stop completely Brandy- maybe give myself the permission to have a chance to see my position through clarity of thought and see how that compares? I have some really tough choices to make very soon which will change my life and direction again and I need to turn right this time- but back to what you said, bad decisions are made when you don’t see clearly; I have to get back to that place of clarity.

Right now I’m heading over to see my youngest daughter. It’s her 16th birthday tomorrow and I’ve made her a cake and I’ve just pulled over for a coffee and to talk to you and reply to your post. I get to spend a few hours with her on her birthday and then drive back. I already know I’ll feel low after leaving her and a long drive alone is not the best solution to that. But in knowing that ahead of time, I can be prepared and think positively. Small steps and keep moving forward. We all have so much to be grateful for in this life and the secret is how we remain mindful and in tune with what we do have instead what we don’t. 

Keep trying to be better each day- and never stop. Thankyou again for taking time out to talk 

N.