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  • in reply to: How the Hell Did I Get Here? #321087
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Brandy

    just wrote an entire reply to you and lost it….grrrr- hate it when that happens!

    I’ll start over.

    Hope you’re ok and having a great weekend. Speak soon

    N

    in reply to: How the Hell Did I Get Here? #320251
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi Brandy
    Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. It’s been a combination of being a little busy and also giving your suggestion a lot of thought and attention.

    5 is a great age to go back to isn’t it? I have such clear and vivid memories of where and how I was at that age and now, having given it much deeper thought, I realise I have so many connections to that version of me.
    Its quite uplifting and sad at the same time to take yourself back to yourself at a time where you were untainted by later life and ignorant to the weight of responsibility and learned behaviours, to revisit a spirit that only knew the purest of thoughts and pleasure derived from the simplest gifts this life has to offer and to re-familiarise yourself with the source of the core of who you truly are. It is only in doing so that I can see the layer upon layer of protection and armour that I (and I guess all of us) have built to deal with and cope with this ever changing world and how we fit in and survive.

    I picture myself sitting at a pre-school table across from my 5 year old self. My legs don’t fit under the table and the stool is going to give way at any time. Across the table is ‘little me’. The blondest hair and the bluest eyes, fair sunkissed skin and baby teeth all perfectly lined up. I’ve done this a dozen times for parents evening with my own girls but never with me.
    I ask my younger self what I like to do; what makes me happy. I answer- ‘looking out my bedroom window when its snowing, watching TV in the dark on a rainy Friday evening, playing with my friends, running in the park and playing football, when Dad is home on Sunday and we all have dinner together, finishing my schoolwork first before anyone else in the class, getting up and making Dad’s breakfast before he goes to work’
    I remember all these things I used to do and be at that age and more. I also recall how what I ‘felt’ at that age has shape my life ever since. I felt secure, loved and safe but at the same time always the need to be accepted and the feeling of rejection in the playground; that I had to try all the time to be seen and that just me alone was not ever enough. I don’t know where that came from- maybe an unconscious response to something before I have re-collective memory- I don’t know. But what I do know is that those traits and emotions have stuck with me for all of my life and in some way, I’ve always been dealing with every situation with that as the environment I set for myself to live within.

    When I think of what you said about sending love to that version of me, it stopped me in my tracks. It made me think about what that little boy would think of me and if he would be proud and love me and my instant, gut feel reaction is that he wouldn’t. I think he’d be disappointed in me. And then I needed to know why I instinctively thought that. Maybe it comes down to self-love- or lack thereof? Maybe its because the closest version of him I’ve ever known is my own girls and how I feel about that situation is reflected in that reaction? Either way, it speaks volumes to me about how I view myself that I believe the younger and pure version of myself would think that way.
    Maybe that is my benchmark? Maybe my aim in life is to re-connect with him and make him proud? Maybe seek his forgiveness rather than forgive him?
    I guess the big question is……..how do I do that?

    And what about you? What does little Brandy think about big Brandy? Is she proud to call her herself?

    You know what, whilst I was writing this I had a thought. It might sound like mush to you but I get what I mean so I’ll take a risk and explain.
    In thinking about who I used to be when I was young, I thought I would give anything to go back to that time in my life and be that way again. A clean, clear, simple blank canvas of opportunity and life just ready for a masterpiece to be created. That I want to be that version of me again, to think in that way and feel those things in that way again. We wish our lives away too quickly- always looking for the next stage; the ‘I’ll be happy when’ stage and we never realise we were just happy in the moment until the moment is gone. In childhood we want to grow up, do the things we see the elders doing and then, when we get older, all we want is go back and rid ourselves of the responsibility, the wrong choices, the turnings and mistakes we made which lead us to who we are today- normally light years from those little versions of us we once were.
    I believe home isn’t a place but is something deep within us that we feel. We can be anywhere in the world but as long as we feel deep down that we are safe, warm, happy and secure- we are home. Home for me is a place very close to that little 5 year old. He created all the feelings and emotions I experience today and he showed me who I really am and any time I act in a way that he wouldn’t approve of or that would upset him, I am further from home than I should be and shame on me if I’m not working on myself to be better for him.
    I believe that in life we are all trying to get back home. Maybe for me, its re-connecting myself to myself at a time when life was more simple than I’ve made it to be.

    Rainy, dark Friday nights and watching the snow dance in the glow of the streetlights are still my two favourite feelings in the world. That’s my home 🙂

    N

    in reply to: How the Hell Did I Get Here? #319287
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi Brandy

    Thankyou for your kind words and for being so observant ?. I’m not sure I’d agree with all of those qualities but I’ll take them for now.
    It takes a special kind of person to take the time out of their lives to offer out help and support to a stranger and I appreciate the friend comment- I feel like we have a connection too in how we feel and see life. It’s good to know there’s someone else just as crazy out there!

    My daughters are great thanks. They both have a lot of positive stuff going on in their lives. I spent a day down in London this weekend with them and albeit only a short visit, I view every minute we have together as gold dust and memorable. I did find myself listening to my thoughts when I was with them this weekend and I have to come to realise that I self sabotage the time we have because I find myself constantly on the look out for signs that they are ok and that the guilt I feel is not being manifested in how they are. I don’t know if that makes sense but I know what I’m trying to say. I’m always on the look out for signs of approval or disapproval which I know is related to guilt and my pain (which is ultimately their pain I assume) and I find it compromises me at times as the parent and the responsible father in favour of receiving their forgiveness, respect and love. I know that sounds ridiculous and that a daughters love for her father is unconditional and that this is a reflection upon me and not them, but it’s just how it is. I do find that I spend and waste too much time in their company over analysing and not living in the moment and just showing them the real me enough. I guess to a point, all of the above is understandable in the circumstances but to go back to my last message to you; I have not met the expectation I had of myself in this role, this priority in my life and perhaps I’m over compensating trying to make amends. This shouldn’t be about ‘me’- our time is about them, their needs, the support they need and the weight of the burden of having a father who is pretending to be a gracious swan on the surface is like an emotional paddlesteamer underneath. They want fun dad, laughing dad, supportive dad. Their dad. I’m aware of it and I’ll do better.

    Your question about what was going on before the ‘turning’ is a question I’ve spent so much time and effort contemplating now. I see the life since that time as a series of consequences of actions and decisions which were as a result of a choice I made. I see the preceding years as where the cause for the action I took lies but also there are clues in how I think, feel and behave today. What I mean is, who I am today must have been part of who I was then but because my life was happier then- or I believed it was- it never surfaced.

    I can relate to specific elements of my thoughts and actions today from as far back as my early childhood. The propensity to self isolate when not feeling worthy or belonging, the need for security and safety, the need for time to myself alone and more, all present themselves today but magnified a thousand times because the difference now is I have responsibility, accountability and self-expectation.

    What behaviours and traits still show up in your life today that you can recollect from childhood? Do they serve you or hinder you?

    I hate to have regrets- I wish the size of the problem was such that I could call them lessons learned or experiences or tests; but the reality is the turning I took is a massive regret which cannot be undone- only mitigated through damage limitation and a phenomenal amount of effort.

    I also hate to talk this way. I hate being this self-pitying version of myself . I take accountability for my mistakes, I own them but of late, I feel the lid starting to burst on the can I’ve kept them contained in for too long.

    I love to hear of how you refer to your life now and how your focus is on your kids, preparing them for life, teaching and showing them the way. I picture it all happening under the security of the safe family roof and that whatever life throws at you, you have that as your haven. I make an assumption because I don’t know any better. That has gone for me; I replaced it with a continuous stream of hellos, get to know you agains, goodbyes and gaps until next times. It’s not what I wanted and it’s not what I expected of myself. But, you’re right. To create all that pain through choice had to have been by way of ‘escape’. I just can’t put my finger on what?

    i do know at the time I had been under massive self-induced stress at work. I occupied a role well known for breaking people and I worked for a company which would happily stand by and watch it happen. My significance driver was so over powering and unstoppable at the time that I got so much self-worth and value for my heroics that for the first time in my life I felt like someone that people could admire and respect.
    I also believe that once that job ended shortly after my ‘turn’, I sought my significance and worthiness in new relationships. I threw myself straight in to new relationships, over committed way too early and then had to undo all of that. The past 7 years have been a non-stop runaway train of bad choices after bad choices, temporary highs with lower crashes and decisions made in times of stress, uncertainty and instability.

    Im getting myself fixed this time. The decision to medicate is all about giving myself the chance to establish a foundation of clearer thinking from which I can make the right choices now. I’m waiting for the effect to kick in and am already preparing for what that might feel and look like. It’s exciting too. I have so many questions: will I find clarity? Will I find my old passions again? Will I find self love? Will I find peace?
    Ive read so much and seen so many people who get the most fulfilment out of life because of the most simple things. That’s all my dream is; to find happiness and to have the relationship with myself that I always wanted.

    I would love to hear more about you: how you are, how you are managing to keep moving forward, what you think and what you wish for the future?

    N

    in reply to: How the Hell Did I Get Here? #318947
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Brandy

    Thankyou for your prompt reply and thank you for your honesty and answering those questions. I asked you those because I think it’s so important in life to keep checking in with yourself, asking yourself how you are, making sure you’re ok and that if you’re on a run of crap; that it’s only temporary and just one part of a bigger overall picture. We have to take time out, turn around and take in the view back to where we came and just give ourselves that permission that despite everything not always going our way as we would always like, we continue to grow towards our destiny.

    Giving yourself permission to not be perfect, to make mistakes is giving yourself the humility to learn and grow and after all, what are we doing if we’re not growing?

    I have a strong belief that the way we feel, react, think about any given subject which affects the way we view or feel about ourselves comes down to one simple word: expectation.
    I feel that we all have an expectation about how any given subject or situation will play out or end and when that expectation is not met, we adversely react. This might show itself in how we feel we have been as a parent, a partner, a friend, a daughter; whichever role we play at any time. I think you, me, everyone sets out in life with an idea of what the outcome or journey will be and when we don’t the results or feelings we expected, wanted or thought we deserved, it’s so easy to look inward for blame or the answers. Sometimes it’s just not fair to do that. It sounds like you have had your share of challenges this year but I can tell through how you talk, the words you chose and how you normalise that period, that you are a strong, confident, caring, protective and compassionate woman.

    The seriousness of life. I think it’s unavoidable! The choices we make along the way inevitably invite responsibility and accountability into our lives; as does the choice to live with compassion and conscience. To choose to be caring and loving whilst brings the most euphoric reward in the sunshine has a flip side which can be equally painful, tiring and demoralising. But isn’t that the beauty of life? The low of the lows contrasted with the high of the highs? We can only ever know the rewards of the highs because we’ve felt the lows.
    Your humbling year will be rewarded with the opposite feelings you have experienced this year in time.

    I hope your situation with your kid works out. I can’t understand what that is or how it’s having an effect on you both but I’m sure all of your strength is being summoned from the experience s you’ve had so far in your life.

    I’m not sure I know what you mean about me having many gifts and being able to see them? I have so few people I can or dare to connect with that I welcome the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings from the safe distance and if a reply or the opportunity to just help a little presents itself, well, it makes me happy

    Thankyou for treading again

    in reply to: How the Hell Did I Get Here? #318769
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Brandy

    I hope you are well. I can’t believe it’s a year since our correspondence….where did that time go?

    I read back all our messages and reacquainted myself with me from a year ago. It’s such a powerful thing to do and one of the benefits of a site like this; a recorded transcript of what you thought, felt and said but not just that, also a conversation, albeit with a faceless voice in the dark, where my thinking was shared, reacted to and hopefully touched another.
    So I have a question.
    In the year since we spoke, what has your life been? What have you done? How have you grown? Has your life been fulfilling and enriching? What one word could you use to describe that time and, if your reflection is less than satisfactory, what will you do?

    When I look back, there’s a word that instantly comes to mind : survival.
    I need to thank you for replying to a post I placed about a month or so ago. I didn’t reply for my own reasons but that was a trigger to reflect on our previous messages. In that reflection I drew some very meaningful conclusions.

    I reflected that in a year, I had been hiding from difficult decisions, swimming against an unbeatable tide of insecurity and had been one half of a loveless marriage with myself. I had come to realise that in my desire this time around (because of lessons learned) not to make life changing decisions in times of emotional unsettledness, is actually made no choices or decisions at all. I looked back over the past year and identified that things had not healed or improved with the passing of time but I’d simply grown a suit of armour to protect myself from the symptoms instead of addressing the cause.
    In short, I have come to realise and accept that this is who I am now. This state of mind and perception is too real and has been for too long now. It’s a fundamental part of who I am and to go on expecting things to click back into place miraculously is just futile and the only person who can change that is me.
    Before the turning I took, I was so happy- I just didn’t see it. I loved life, had passion, ambition and valued the important things. One day I took action on a choice and it was the catalyst for the man I am today- a version of me I no longer wish to share my mind and body with.

    In accepting who I am now, I have reached out for help. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and am taking medication now and have been doing so for the past two weeks. I’m going through the joyous stage of the physical symptoms but I know they will pass.

    So, I have to thank you Brandy, from the bottom of my heart. You reaching out has potentially saved me and the few close to me, pain of the most unimaginable kind. You should know that just the time you took to put finger to keypad on whichever device you used, has changed a life. I can’t at this time validate for how long or how deeply, but know that it did so enough to make a difference.
    I wish I could know more of how you feel and what it is that is different for you since your ‘turning’

    x

    in reply to: How the Hell Did I Get Here? #314461
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi Peggy

    That is an amazing response and made me smile out loud.

     

    Thankyou 🙂

    in reply to: I have a hard time making friends #312061
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Emilia (and all)

    This is a subject I’ve recently come to terms with- or at least have become more self aware and accepting of.

    We are surrounded in a world that judges us on how popular we are, how many ‘friends’ we have, how many ‘likes’ we get. We are constantly having to aspire to the standard set by somebody or something else and anything falling short of this is failure and before we know it we have lost sight of who we really are and the potential to live life the way we were intended to live it.

    To be individual, to dare be our selves and to live a life where we are true to ourselves is a beautiful and enviable thing.

    True self love can only ever come from within and can only ever be achieved if we are connected to who we really are. For far too long in my life and despite trying to resist, I have succumbed too many times to feeling wrong inside if I don’t conform to the learned behaviour, if I don’t fit in with the crowd or if I don’t adjust parts of who I am to be more successful in life. Someone else’s definition of successful, someone else’s definition of happiness!

    I have always (from way back to my first re-collective memory) had a natural yearning for high levels of solitude. I remember the comfort and re-assurance I gained as a young child from sitting in a softly lit lounge watching tv alone with the rain hammering against the windows on a dark Friday night. Rainy Friday nights are my favourite thing in the world and have been ever since. They are symbolic to me of that feeling of who I am, what I love and how I want to be; by choice. I share that feeling with myself because I’m the only one that truly understands what it feels like to me. It is a choice to share my time with me, to share my happiness with me. God knows I share enough of the crappy times with me so I owe myself- right 🙂

    There’s nothing wrong with spending high levels of time alone. It is who you are. It is what you need. Only you will know if you have crossed the line between being alone and being lonely and whilst you’re happy- you are never, ever alone.

    Celebrate who you are. Those people who can only exist surrounded by others and in the company of others are missing something that you have. They have no more right to judge you for your choice than do you them.

    Love others too but choose who and how you love. I have retained a very small number of people in my inner circle of trusted and loved friends- the ones who I treat to the true me. The ones who I speak and act from the heart with. The ones I can love because I can love myself first (or at least keep working on it).

    Its your choice. Everything in your life is your choice. Don’t ever doubt or question the choices you make that come from within- they are the ones that are usually right

    x

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #225639
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi Brandy,

    Thanks again.

    Yes I have some difficult decisions to make in what will now be the next couple of days. I’m feeling the churning of fear in my stomach this morning so I’m going to swim with my dad again and see if I can’t calm it a little.

    I’ve decided to go to the job discussion/interview with a very open mind. This isn’t just about me wanting to impress or blow them away- I’m more interested in listening to how I feel and respond to being back there again and whether it’s the right feel for me. I worked there for 23 years and have been away for 3 so my memories are recent but I know I’ve grown in my new job so I’ll be really interested to hear myself and understand just how much. If nothing else changes, at least I can go back to my current role with a fresh self appraisal of how I’m doing there. That’s how I’m approaching this- a learning opportunity and very much a ‘what will be will be’ approach.

    I am scared now though. This is very real and I want someone to hold my hand. Other than you, I have no one that I can talk to objectively and deeply about this and this is a stark reminder of actually how lonely I am in this life. It’s times where we need others that we realise this- I look around and I see no one. Maybe after this is done, I need to reflect on that and understand why that is. What did I do over the years to get that way? Is it the constant change and unsettledness? What is it that made me have to reach out to a stranger for support? Interesting. N

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #225609
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi Brandy,

    I guess identifying the ‘so what’s the worst that can happen’ allows us to understand the potential consequences of any decision and advises us before we make it. We can then take a choice firstly whether to make our decision and simply live in fear that the worst case comes to fruition or secondly that we mitigate the effect of the worst case and have a plan b. Or, thirdly, we can be so scared of the consequence that it either refrains us from taking the decision altogether- or, even worst still, to take total inaction and live in paralysis. That’s where I am right now.

    Today, actually a couple of hours ago, I attended my daughter’s start of final school year teachers presentations. It’s all about how to help and support them through the final year. I need to process it further but it kinda hit me half way through that my role in her life right now is to be that support; the support that will prepare her for life and her future. I firmly believe the single role of a parent is to ‘prepare our children for life’ and in that realisation I need to take some time out now and reflect upon the question of whether part of my quandary is my mourning for the lost years we never had and wanting to reclaim those rather than focusing on the here and now and what she needs today- and not what she didn’t have yesterday.

    Schoolwork and being successful is extremely important to her so I have a good starting point to be able to identify the fatherly space to occupy in terms of giving her the support that will resonate and connect with her most. To get to her school I drove 150 miles and I’m staying over. Tomorrow at lunch I have an ‘interview’ with my previous employer. After that I pick up my daughter, drive the 150 miles back to where I live, we’ll then spend time together until driving back on Sunday another 150 miles and then I’ll turn round and drive back again. It’s a 600 mile round trip but this is my life. But, on the journey tomorrow I’m going to talk to her about what support she needs from me. I’ll listen to what she says, and in her answers I’ll try and identify what life would really look like if I moved back. At the point of that conversation I’ll also have a clear understanding of whether I have the chance of work back here or not. Tomorrow night, by the time I get back to where I live, if I do it right, I should have a better understanding of the levels of risk associated with each choice.

    ive done this deliberately. You spoke of making choices in periods of stress but my counter to that is if I don’t apply the right levels of tension, I will stay in a state of inaction and never make the choice and whilst I live in that fearful, scared place- I will destroy lives; my own and the lives of others. This inaction cannot go on forever. I have to find the balance between clarity of thought and tension to the situation so as not to exacerbate my emotional state any further. So, by seeking out my former employer, which has always been my vision of re-employment back in this area, I’m going to either take that choice or reject it and close it off as an option forever. If and when they make an offer, my answer will define my fate. My conversation with my daughter will inform that choice and if, in our discussion, I get the feeling that turning my life upside down for the sake of three years of no benefit in terms of value add time with my daughter (as in your scenario) then my mitigation must be a plan b of how I can best support her in her needs whilstvalso optimising the face time and quality time we share through those 3 years.

    does any of that make an ounce of sense?

    N

     

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #225285
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Brandy (and Prash),

    Thanks again for your reply and words of support.

    I have previously tried to talk to my daughter in the way you describe. She can be very closed when trying to talk in that way and through talking I have eventually ascertained that her biggest issue right now, today, isnt that she doesnt want to spend time together or be with her Dad, but that our time together (because of distance) is alawys planned and almost by appointment. She wants the spontaneity and comfort of knowing Im ‘just around the corner’ when she needs me so she can drop in and hang out. In short, its what Ive always known she’s needed- to know I’m there. And why not- like I said, its her right to expect that from her Dad. My interpretation of that is that she would settle for that as an acceptable option to living under the same roof (with her mum) and see it as a big improvement in her life. Linked very strongly to that is the feeling she has when she comes to stay with me and my partner and how she feels like an outsider and seeing me with her and her young child for her is like visiting me with my ‘family’. Again, that is heartbreaking for me (and her) and massively compounds the guilt I spoke of as I continue to put her in this place whilst I take no action.

    But I guess at the end of it all, I’m still left with a choice to make. And yes, you are right again. The pain part is to walk away from my current partner because as I see it, I have to choose between one or the other. I cant have both and be emotionally and spiritually free. I have three years of my daughter being around if I move back to my ‘old life’. My fear is that in that choice and having made the move, I will regret leaving my current life and partner and all that is good about it and once the choice is made- that will be it. I know three years is a short time and after the three years I’ll be back to where I was when I first divorced- starting over again but this time there’ll be no children around- just one daughter who is six years older than she was. But in my mind, I will have done all I could have done for her, our relationship and, selfishly, my future will be absent of the ‘what if’ guilt. I may suffer in a different way, but I imagine the ‘what if’ to be the most painful as the choice will be gone forever then and like I said, I know myself well enough to know what happens in that scenario. I have already massively withdrawn in my current relationship- to both her and her child as I live in this no mans land state. I have transformed from a loving, generous, happy and giving lover into a very obvious alternative to that and it hasnt gone un-noticed. It cant go on and the pressure Im feeling is growing by the day and I’m afraid of losing control of the situation and then the choices being made for me. I feel like Im hiding and being secretive by keeping the thoughts internal- we have spoken in depth about how I feel about my daughter and the situation and it always ends in me getting upset with myself as I cant break the cycle of asking ‘why’ I did what I did and ‘who the hell does that?’. This week I go to a parents meeting at my daughters school and Im also meeting my former employer who has a potential opening for me. If that comes to fruition- I have a real choice to make and the pressure to do so because of the lack of work opportunity back where I came from, is really on then. Simply put, I throw my life away where I am now and return to the point I was six years ago- right back at the first wrong turning I made and see what happens by turning in the other direction this time, albeit with more wisdom and mistakes under my belt. Or stay where I am and deal with/ cope with everything Ive written so far and make it all go away.

    It feels like the volcano is about to erupt! Like the issues of the past six years, all the ‘what ifs’ Ive dwelled upon and regretted, all the ‘Id be happy if’ scenarios are actually a possibility now and that essentially in a week’s time, the volcano is going to blow and thats it- choice made, consequences clear and it’ll be a case of moving on and then finding out if I made the right choice.

    My fear is making the wrong choice. My fear is not knowing that everything will be ok. I know ultimately that fear is just that- its the not knowing that the outcome of the choice or action we take is that we will just be ok (or better off). If we stood on the top of a mountain and knew that if we jumped, we’d land safely and we’d be ok- we’d never be fearful, right. Thats what this is I guess, I just need to know that the choice I make will be ok and the pain I have caused myself and others will end as quickly as possible.

    The few people I have talked to have all said the same thing: that I shouldnt do it because she’ll be moving away in three years and even the three years will be different as she grows more and wants her independence rather than hanging out with Dad. My partner has tried to offer scenarios where I spend more quality time with her but they dont get it- they dont live this horrible place I live where I caused this situation. They look at this from the outside- from a place where they have had their time with the normality of living with their children for the full course or, as in my partners case, where they openly admit they would never do what I did.

    Listen, I know Im a good Dad and a loving person. And yes Prash- youre right, I have to stop talking to myself in the way I do. Im aware enough to know that is just self pity and its keeping me in the dark roots. But its my reality. Its my world and has been so for a long time such that I’ve adjusted and gotten used to it. Ive been coping, making do, building defence mechanisms which stop me having to take action. Even these messages are doing that- I know that a little part of me is hanging on to these threads as a means of not taking action- just in case the next message might give me the answer or make me feel better. The place I need to get to now is to action. I need to make a choice, a decision and then act. This place is just not living.

    Brandy, what you said about humans striving to get their unmet needs met was beautiful. It is so true and almost forgives a whole multitude of sins. I listened to something last night on the way home and this simple quote stuck with me ‘If I’d have known better, I’d have done better’. I guess today, I know better so I if I dont do better- then shame on me.

    I really do appreciate all you have said to me and for me. Your comments and observations are so astute and accurate and I feel like Im talking to a professional. Youve given me so much perspective and comfort and who would have ever thought that would have been found at the end of a keyboard, in a different time zone, across the Atlantic! What an amzaing place this planet is and what an amazing ride this thing called life is!

    N

     

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #225145
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi Brandy

    No, definitely not an English PhD 🙂

    Once again, thankyou kindly for your time and persistence! Your replies are extremely helpful and insightful and very accurate. They make me think and challenge me. Remember our conversation about needing people around us who will challenge us rather than simply agree with us? My interpretation of how you write and talk is that you are being that to me but not in an agressive or provocative way- more feeling your way and doing so when approrpriate. I see that and very much appreciate it too.

    Yes is the answer to all those early questions- we are all physically safe and yes, we did agree (although maybe not in written words) that to make decisions from anything less than clarity will carry risk of further problems.

    Ok, I feel I need to be more specific as to exactly what is going on so as to help explain the urgency and why I feel so pressured and trapped. Before I do that, I want to explore with you what I’ve done so far becuase I feel now I have to journey back through that to understand a) what Ive done and b) what have I learned. Ive done all the things I told you and those things you listed. Ive seen a counsellor twice- mainly that route because I never had anyone else to talk to at the time as I was quite alone and so I guess I was paying for someone to listen so I could hear out loud what I was thinking. Counselling didnt really do much for me as I found there was a limit to their understanding and once we’d run past all the theory, there wasnt anything else left. Maybe I expected answers rather than being satisfied with receiving help and then understanding how to apply it. Probably the most powerful thing I ever did was once write a letter to myself. In this letter I took the role of myself inside my head but as a critical observer of my life and I spoke to myself. I talked as though I’d been alongside myself, observing my life and in that letter, I played back to myself what I’d seen and then also why I thought that was. Why did I do this? Because I truly believe in finding the root cause to a problem- truly understanding the answers right at the core- even if it means challenging myself, making myself feel uncomfortable and being truly honest- with myself in a way that only I know if i am being. So, to your earlier question of have I done what Peter suggested (note to self ‘need to thank him’), the answer is yes- and some! My only fear is that now being aware of that, did I leave myself down there in the roots and never resurface?

    In my letter, I looked for answers, clues, a trail of crumbs to the problem and hopefully, solution. I pulled apart every key stage of my life, I searched my feelings, my values, my actions and looked for reasons why and what commonality might there be between those early actions to the actions I take as the grown up version of myself. So, what did I find? I definitely found a need for recognition- to be loved and accepted. Not in a needy way or having to always be first, but just by way of recognition that- I am enough or good enough. The way I behaved at school, with my early friends and my family was all about feeling safe, loved, fitting in and just about being enough. Without delving right into the details, I strongly believe the decisions I took to turn right instead of left- many times, had that core need of having to feel like I was good enough or that I alone, and not my actions and gestures, were enough. Perhaps I already had that from my children and therefore didnt need to seek it in them and in seeking from others, in making decisions to acquire that, incurred the loss I feel today and pure hell of guilt, shame and regret. The ‘me’ I spoke to in that letter needed and craved the things I feel I deprived my children of (for part of their life) and when I talk of guilt and the pain- it comes from a place of understanding where it originates but not of one of understanding how I could have done those things. I took away, particularly my youngest daughter’s, right to have a father around. I put her through the most unimaginable hell inside her head. I turned her whole world upside down and will have inflicted on her views of the world, relationships, parenting, love and god knows what that her innocent mind did not have to be corrupted by. I didnt think, didnt know and only saw my own problems and situation and whatever has triggered this train of thought, has shown me that if I take the necessary action NOW, I can at least stop the loss for not one more day than it needs to be. She has three years before she goes to uni and each day I take inaction, equals a day of loss of opportunity, repair and growth. That is where my urgency and my problem comes from, but as I get more emotional as I write, I too realise that I would be better off just making a choice and dealing with the consequences later- rather than continmue to exist here in paralysis. N

     

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #225037
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Brandy,

    You got it spot on!

    There is a path but it’s not quite clear. The first step on the journey needs me to be brave and will incur loss and right now, I don’t know if I want to lose what I’m going to lose. I’m going to hurt someone- really badly, but without doing that, I know I will never have what I want and need. I know myself well enough to know what the future looks like for me without taking this fearful step- I know it because I feel it today and the unbearable guilt I suffer is because of it. When I take the step, that’s not the end of it. I know that I will journey through a grief cycle for the person I hurt and in that, I know that, in time, that will fade. There is risk in the choice I need to take. Financial risk, work risk, risk of loneliness, risk of more guilt, risk that I’m getting it completely wrong. How is it that we can feel the deepest pain and yet when we take ourself to the edge of the cliff of the  solution, we can rationalise the pain enough to talk ourselves out of jumping. I’m going through that right now- talking myself out of jumping when I know that to close my eyes and gently fall forward until stepping back again is gravitationally impossible and just going with the free fall of my choice is the fear I have to overcome. Is it my pain or someone else’s I care more about? Am I doing this for me and in doing so ruining more lives? Should I just accept that I’ve made so many mistakes and bad choices now that I should sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life so that others should not have to suffer. Guilt for selfishness now! 

    Jeez this is hard. I can’t breathe or get any respite from this at all. Did you ever feel so trapped you just wanted someone, anyone, to take the choice away and just make it for you? Have you ever been that stuck?

    San Francisco sounds amazing and it looks like I was right to make it a dream. Running, views, wine…….perfect ?.

    I didn’t know I wrote well? But Thankyou. I guess when you write, you talk to the page and don’t really have a feel for how the reader receives it. I don’t know what your mood is, your interpretation or any variable that could change the meaning or emphasis of a single word. So I guess I just talk- openly, honestly, vulnerably and from the heart and hope that it’s enough. N

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #224833
    NaC
    Participant

    I woke this morning and thought deeply about my problem. I thought about what you said about each morning and I told myself that each day has to make a difference. Each day where I don’t take action- no matter how fearful it is, is a day wasted. My dream or my goal lies on the other side of fear and until I face that fear, that’s where it will always remain. I’m trying very hard to rationalise that fear- break it down into bite size chunks so in that rationalisation, I can understand ‘what’s the worst that could possibly happen’. I am going to both cause and be in pain. I know I will have mountains to climb but if I want peace and inner fulfilment, well, it isn’t going to happen in this version of my life anyway. 

    I wish I could share, talk through it all but I have no one that either won’t be affected or is close enough. I have spoken to a friend but rewind back to your first reply to me about how you need someone to not pander to your fears or problems and be honest and open with you: that’s what I’m missing and need because in the absence of that, I’m the only one who provides that counsel and guilt gets in the way as a result! 

    I feel in on the edge of a cliff with the biggest fear of heights (which I have by the way) but I have to take the most massive leap of faith over the edge and in the fall, comes peace, calm and the clarity to see the answers but there’s a huge fear to overcome first. 

    I love the West coast. I’ve always had an ambition to go to San Francisco and run the mountains, walk the streets and drink the bars. I’ve spent lots of time in Florida and been to NY and Lake Eerie. One day maybe ? N

     

     

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #224659
    NaC
    Participant

    Hey Brandy

    great to hear from you again. I’ve had a few heavy days at work so haven’t had time to post on here.

    It was a rainy Friday night where I am so I lit the fire and relaxed for a while; so important to do that and reconnect with what and who you are, even if it’s such simple pleasures as rain and fire!

    its raining here again today so a great excuse to have a lazy Saturday. I need thinking space today to work through the issues I originally posted for and I journey st haven’t had the clarity or calm to do that this week. I have been running again and slowly building it up. The time alone and to just appreciate the feeling of running and being outdoors is a blessing and we can easily overlook just how much pleasure, beauty and simplicity there is out there if we stay mindful enough to appreciate it.

    im seeing my daughter next week. It’s her school parents evening so I’m driving over and staying overnight. I need to be in a place where I’ve made some choices this week so I can talk to her about it.

    what are you up to this weekend? Which part of the states do live?

    thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to write. Have a great day. N

    in reply to: A journey of self destruction and fear #224191
    NaC
    Participant

    Hi again Brandy,

    It’s interesting to see how different people get into or relate to subjects where matters of mindfulness, self awareness and emotional intelligence are at the heart. I’d never really thought or looked at life or my part in life in this way before I started to need answers to questions and in my pursuit of that, opened up a Pandora’s box of insight and power I never knew existed. Maybe that’s the key with this stuff- some of us are aware of it through curiosity and need to grow spiritually and therefore apply it in order to make minor changes in our lives whereas others stumble across it through desperation, the reaction to life impacting events and the need for answers to make large course corrections. I guess you know my case- I’ve never done this before and hiding behind a mask of anonymity I just fired an arrow out into the dark to see what would happen. I’ve read a little of other threads and intend to do so more. 

    I can relate to your comments about guilt. Do you think guilt is synonymous with regret? The guilt I feel is in the choices I’ve made and the hurt I caused (or contributed to) where my actions have directly impacted another person detrimentally. I notice the list of guilt  you feel is all related to personal interactions or relationships. Isn’t it the cruelest trick of life that the way we behave as younger versions of ourselves through ignorance and lack of awareness is rewarded with more guilt as we become more enlightened. The big challenge then is to rationalise what we are feeling, identify why and as you said to me, forgive yourself. But how can you ever forgive yourself? Surely the awakening and awareness has to be so strong to withstand any self doubt or challenge to the point where self forgiveness can only happen because you truly, truly believe that today’s version of you- the one you’ve spent a life time building and arming with tools of awareness and knowledge, wouldn’t do those things. The person who did those things doesn’t exist, it was a version of ourselves in construction that did them and we weren’t complete yet so how inevitable is it that there’s going to be an adverse effect. If we drove a half built car and crashed it because we didn’t fit the brakes yet, we wouldn’t feel guilty- we’d identify the problem, fix it and move on. 

    I have some of those same guilts which have now grown into regret- mainly because today’s version of me hadn’t even been realised. I have a brother who is in his forties who committed an act in my life when he was 18 and I don’t have him in my life because of years of being unable to forgive- or at least confront. I have let important relationships suffer to the point where they don’t exist anymore- relationships that as a child gave me so much happiness and fun.

    And parenting! Don’t get me started! I think if I try and wrap up the whole parenting guilt under one heading (which is near impossible) I would say ‘expectation’. The expectation I had of myself was higher and in not living out the dream, much sadness and sabotaging emotion and feeling has ensued. I expected better of myself and in that expectation, I have to know the reasons why and the antidote to the reasons why, I believe, will hold the key to my future happiness. 

    You say you worry how your kids will judge you? Do you believe you have something to be judged by? Don’t you already know how they see you? What are you aiming for? What will be a satisfactory outcome of their judgement? Will only perfection do? You say you’re happily married- trust me (and I don’t mean to be presumptuous) but that alone is a huge part of how they will see you- in a very good way. You know, the other thing, and I wait impatiently for this day….is that our children will only ever truly understand how much we love them, sacrificed for them and just how big a part of who we are they are when they have children of their own. There’s just no other practical demo better than that!

    I have been scathing of my parents for a period for things they ‘didn’t’ do for me but understanding what they did do is a massive counterbalance and a lesson I learned some time ago which makes me see them now with nothing but love, respect and admiration. I wouldn’t change my parents or any aspect of how they brought me up for the world- they did the very best with what they had, what they knew and they created a much better life for me and my siblings then we should have had. 

    I was the eldest of four. Two brothers and a sister- the sister two years after me, the next brother two after her and the youngest double that gap (accident apparently). My father was a very hard working, working class man who took almost nothing for himself and worked tirelessly, all his life to provide for his family. He has very little social life as a result at 77 now but he is loved by everyone for his strength, integrity and humility. He is quite simply my hero. He was once a giant, a rock and was indestructible. On Sunday morning, I was over to see my daughter and so I offered to take him swimming. To see his now frail and ageing body where once he was muscular and strong, was so sad to see and an instant reminder that nothing lasts forever- nothing! But in that moment, I loved him just as much as I always have and to see him smiling and joking as we swam together is a memory I’ll never forget now. You see, my dad is a perfect example of how to be a dad. He took it seriously and saw it through to the end. My shame, that I didn’t do that- or at least not to his demonstrable standard, is that I had the audacity to be annoyed at one point in my life that I hadn’t been pushed academically by both my parents. But it wasn’t their fault- they weren’t academics and only knew hard work and honesty- I have felt at times that the potential I showed in early life wasn’t realised because I wasn’t pushed or directed that way by them. All that really matters in life are the interactions we have with others and how we treat those closest to us and that our wealth, at the end of our lives is a reflection on the quality of that. It doesn’t matter if we have a hundred friends or just a few close loving relationships, when we leave this world- that’s all we have. My mum is similar to my dad in that she worked hard but has suffered with depression at times and her life has been affected by it. She is loved too.

    My early childhood was amazing- so basic and full of the right kind of memories. I was always active, adventurous and outdoors in all weathers. But I also got so much from the security of feeling safe and feeling loved too- a trait that has probably caused more problems in my adult life as I’ve tried to recreate it. Mid- childhood was harder, I struggled at times to truly fit in and did develop a little insecurity which has shown itself in later life too. Late childhood/ teens was harder still as I never really had focus on a future or a dream and just drifted into adulthood and hard work rather than intelligence to get by. I played lots of sports as a kid and as a family we spent so much time together and we were so close.  I look back on my childhood with fondness although I definitely recognise unchecked behaviours and mindsets from then in my adult life now which have caused problems for me. I don’t blame anyone- I take full accountability for how things are today and that is ok. I do hear you about how family dynamic changes with the invasion into the inner circle of spouses etc. It’s inevitable and it certainly has had a significant effect on my family. 

    I would share the detail of the choices I now need to make on here but like you, the internet…..creepy! I’d be happy to share over personal email but probably prefer to keep off here. 

    My daughter was 16 on Sunday and I went over to see her. I’d baked a cake for her and decorated it with sugar paste creations of gym related items including a version of her doing sit ups! She loved it and we have a lovely time- albeit only for a few hours. I’m tired of the infrequency and briefness of our interactions and it’s part of the choices comment I made.

    Listen- last point…..earlier you said about guilt and things you did when you were younger. When I was younger (or even recently) I always believed I was going to live forever and things just didn’t apply to me because I’m living forever, there’d always be just loads of time and everything would work out and life would be great. It’s only very recently, relatively speaking, that I’ve realised that’s not the case and the thoughts I had in my ignorant and unconscious state were wrong. The actions- or inaction, I took because of that mindset are wrong and as I said I believe, they came from a place that wasn’t me- or not the me of today. So please don’t feel guilty for things you wouldn’t do today. Be grateful for your awareness and the chance to never do them again or maybe put some of them right. Awareness is a beautiful gift- but only if used responsibly. You have nothing to feel guilty about! I can tell you are a good person and you just need to remember that. Speak soon N

    Ps- loving your sense of humour! ?

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