Hey Brandy

just wrote an entire reply to you and lost it….grrrr- hate it when that happens!

I’ll start over.

Hope you’re ok and having a great weekend. Speak soon

N

Hi Brandy

Thankyou for your kind words and for being so observant ?. I’m not sure I’d agree with all of those qualities but I’ll take them for now.
It takes a special kind of person to take the time out of their lives to offer out help and support to a stranger and I appreciate the friend comment- I feel like we have a connection too in how we feel and see life. It’s good to know there’s someone else just as crazy out there!

My daughters are great thanks. They both have a lot of positive stuff going on in their lives. I spent a day down in London this weekend with them and albeit only a short visit, I view every minute we have together as gold dust and memorable. I did find myself listening to my thoughts when I was with them this weekend and I have to come to realise that I self sabotage the time we have because I find myself constantly on the look out for signs that they are ok and that the guilt I feel is not being manifested in how they are. I don’t know if that makes sense but I know what I’m trying to say. I’m always on the look out for signs of approval or disapproval which I know is related to guilt and my pain (which is ultimately their pain I assume) and I find it compromises me at times as the parent and the responsible father in favour of receiving their forgiveness, respect and love. I know that sounds ridiculous and that a daughters love for her father is unconditional and that this is a reflection upon me and not them, but it’s just how it is. I do find that I spend and waste too much time in their company over analysing and not living in the moment and just showing them the real me enough. I guess to a point, all of the above is understandable in the circumstances but to go back to my last message to you; I have not met the expectation I had of myself in this role, this priority in my life and perhaps I’m over compensating trying to make amends. This shouldn’t be about ‘me’- our time is about them, their needs, the support they need and the weight of the burden of having a father who is pretending to be a gracious swan on the surface is like an emotional paddlesteamer underneath. They want fun dad, laughing dad, supportive dad. Their dad. I’m aware of it and I’ll do better.

Your question about what was going on before the ‘turning’ is a question I’ve spent so much time and effort contemplating now. I see the life since that time as a series of consequences of actions and decisions which were as a result of a choice I made. I see the preceding years as where the cause for the action I took lies but also there are clues in how I think, feel and behave today. What I mean is, who I am today must have been part of who I was then but because my life was happier then- or I believed it was- it never surfaced.

I can relate to specific elements of my thoughts and actions today from as far back as my early childhood. The propensity to self isolate when not feeling worthy or belonging, the need for security and safety, the need for time to myself alone and more, all present themselves today but magnified a thousand times because the difference now is I have responsibility, accountability and self-expectation.

What behaviours and traits still show up in your life today that you can recollect from childhood? Do they serve you or hinder you?

I hate to have regrets- I wish the size of the problem was such that I could call them lessons learned or experiences or tests; but the reality is the turning I took is a massive regret which cannot be undone- only mitigated through damage limitation and a phenomenal amount of effort.

I also hate to talk this way. I hate being this self-pitying version of myself . I take accountability for my mistakes, I own them but of late, I feel the lid starting to burst on the can I’ve kept them contained in for too long.

I love to hear of how you refer to your life now and how your focus is on your kids, preparing them for life, teaching and showing them the way. I picture it all happening under the security of the safe family roof and that whatever life throws at you, you have that as your haven. I make an assumption because I don’t know any better. That has gone for me; I replaced it with a continuous stream of hellos, get to know you agains, goodbyes and gaps until next times. It’s not what I wanted and it’s not what I expected of myself. But, you’re right. To create all that pain through choice had to have been by way of ‘escape’. I just can’t put my finger on what?

i do know at the time I had been under massive self-induced stress at work. I occupied a role well known for breaking people and I worked for a company which would happily stand by and watch it happen. My significance driver was so over powering and unstoppable at the time that I got so much self-worth and value for my heroics that for the first time in my life I felt like someone that people could admire and respect.
I also believe that once that job ended shortly after my ‘turn’, I sought my significance and worthiness in new relationships. I threw myself straight in to new relationships, over committed way too early and then had to undo all of that. The past 7 years have been a non-stop runaway train of bad choices after bad choices, temporary highs with lower crashes and decisions made in times of stress, uncertainty and instability.

Im getting myself fixed this time. The decision to medicate is all about giving myself the chance to establish a foundation of clearer thinking from which I can make the right choices now. I’m waiting for the effect to kick in and am already preparing for what that might feel and look like. It’s exciting too. I have so many questions: will I find clarity? Will I find my old passions again? Will I find self love? Will I find peace?
Ive read so much and seen so many people who get the most fulfilment out of life because of the most simple things. That’s all my dream is; to find happiness and to have the relationship with myself that I always wanted.

I would love to hear more about you: how you are, how you are managing to keep moving forward, what you think and what you wish for the future?

N

Hey Brandy

I hope you are well. I can’t believe it’s a year since our correspondence….where did that time go?

I read back all our messages and reacquainted myself with me from a year ago. It’s such a powerful thing to do and one of the benefits of a site like this; a recorded transcript of what you thought, felt and said but not just that, also a conversation, albeit with a faceless voice in the dark, where my thinking was shared, reacted to and hopefully touched another.
So I have a question.
In the year since we spoke, what has your life been? What have you done? How have you grown? Has your life been fulfilling and enriching? What one word could you use to describe that time and, if your reflection is less than satisfactory, what will you do?

When I look back, there’s a word that instantly comes to mind : survival.
I need to thank you for replying to a post I placed about a month or so ago. I didn’t reply for my own reasons but that was a trigger to reflect on our previous messages. In that reflection I drew some very meaningful conclusions.

I reflected that in a year, I had been hiding from difficult decisions, swimming against an unbeatable tide of insecurity and had been one half of a loveless marriage with myself. I had come to realise that in my desire this time around (because of lessons learned) not to make life changing decisions in times of emotional unsettledness, is actually made no choices or decisions at all. I looked back over the past year and identified that things had not healed or improved with the passing of time but I’d simply grown a suit of armour to protect myself from the symptoms instead of addressing the cause.
In short, I have come to realise and accept that this is who I am now. This state of mind and perception is too real and has been for too long now. It’s a fundamental part of who I am and to go on expecting things to click back into place miraculously is just futile and the only person who can change that is me.
Before the turning I took, I was so happy- I just didn’t see it. I loved life, had passion, ambition and valued the important things. One day I took action on a choice and it was the catalyst for the man I am today- a version of me I no longer wish to share my mind and body with.

In accepting who I am now, I have reached out for help. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and am taking medication now and have been doing so for the past two weeks. I’m going through the joyous stage of the physical symptoms but I know they will pass.

So, I have to thank you Brandy, from the bottom of my heart. You reaching out has potentially saved me and the few close to me, pain of the most unimaginable kind. You should know that just the time you took to put finger to keypad on whichever device you used, has changed a life. I can’t at this time validate for how long or how deeply, but know that it did so enough to make a difference.
I wish I could know more of how you feel and what it is that is different for you since your ‘turning’

x

Hi Brandy,

I guess identifying the ‘so what’s the worst that can happen’ allows us to understand the potential consequences of any decision and advises us before we make it. We can then take a choice firstly whether to make our decision and simply live in fear that the worst case comes to fruition or secondly that we mitigate the effect of the worst case and have a plan b. Or, thirdly, we can be so scared of the consequence that it either refrains us from taking the decision altogether- or, even worst still, to take total inaction and live in paralysis. That’s where I am right now.

Today, actually a couple of hours ago, I attended my daughter’s start of final school year teachers presentations. It’s all about how to help and support them through the final year. I need to process it further but it kinda hit me half way through that my role in her life right now is to be that support; the support that will prepare her for life and her future. I firmly believe the single role of a parent is to ‘prepare our children for life’ and in that realisation I need to take some time out now and reflect upon the question of whether part of my quandary is my mourning for the lost years we never had and wanting to reclaim those rather than focusing on the here and now and what she needs today- and not what she didn’t have yesterday.

Schoolwork and being successful is extremely important to her so I have a good starting point to be able to identify the fatherly space to occupy in terms of giving her the support that will resonate and connect with her most. To get to her school I drove 150 miles and I’m staying over. Tomorrow at lunch I have an ‘interview’ with my previous employer. After that I pick up my daughter, drive the 150 miles back to where I live, we’ll then spend time together until driving back on Sunday another 150 miles and then I’ll turn round and drive back again. It’s a 600 mile round trip but this is my life. But, on the journey tomorrow I’m going to talk to her about what support she needs from me. I’ll listen to what she says, and in her answers I’ll try and identify what life would really look like if I moved back. At the point of that conversation I’ll also have a clear understanding of whether I have the chance of work back here or not. Tomorrow night, by the time I get back to where I live, if I do it right, I should have a better understanding of the levels of risk associated with each choice.

ive done this deliberately. You spoke of making choices in periods of stress but my counter to that is if I don’t apply the right levels of tension, I will stay in a state of inaction and never make the choice and whilst I live in that fearful, scared place- I will destroy lives; my own and the lives of others. This inaction cannot go on forever. I have to find the balance between clarity of thought and tension to the situation so as not to exacerbate my emotional state any further. So, by seeking out my former employer, which has always been my vision of re-employment back in this area, I’m going to either take that choice or reject it and close it off as an option forever. If and when they make an offer, my answer will define my fate. My conversation with my daughter will inform that choice and if, in our discussion, I get the feeling that turning my life upside down for the sake of three years of no benefit in terms of value add time with my daughter (as in your scenario) then my mitigation must be a plan b of how I can best support her in her needs whilstvalso optimising the face time and quality time we share through those 3 years.

does any of that make an ounce of sense?

N

Hi Brandy

No, definitely not an English PhD 🙂

Once again, thankyou kindly for your time and persistence! Your replies are extremely helpful and insightful and very accurate. They make me think and challenge me. Remember our conversation about needing people around us who will challenge us rather than simply agree with us? My interpretation of how you write and talk is that you are being that to me but not in an agressive or provocative way- more feeling your way and doing so when approrpriate. I see that and very much appreciate it too.

Yes is the answer to all those early questions- we are all physically safe and yes, we did agree (although maybe not in written words) that to make decisions from anything less than clarity will carry risk of further problems.

Ok, I feel I need to be more specific as to exactly what is going on so as to help explain the urgency and why I feel so pressured and trapped. Before I do that, I want to explore with you what I’ve done so far becuase I feel now I have to journey back through that to understand a) what Ive done and b) what have I learned. Ive done all the things I told you and those things you listed. Ive seen a counsellor twice- mainly that route because I never had anyone else to talk to at the time as I was quite alone and so I guess I was paying for someone to listen so I could hear out loud what I was thinking. Counselling didnt really do much for me as I found there was a limit to their understanding and once we’d run past all the theory, there wasnt anything else left. Maybe I expected answers rather than being satisfied with receiving help and then understanding how to apply it. Probably the most powerful thing I ever did was once write a letter to myself. In this letter I took the role of myself inside my head but as a critical observer of my life and I spoke to myself. I talked as though I’d been alongside myself, observing my life and in that letter, I played back to myself what I’d seen and then also why I thought that was. Why did I do this? Because I truly believe in finding the root cause to a problem- truly understanding the answers right at the core- even if it means challenging myself, making myself feel uncomfortable and being truly honest- with myself in a way that only I know if i am being. So, to your earlier question of have I done what Peter suggested (note to self ‘need to thank him’), the answer is yes- and some! My only fear is that now being aware of that, did I leave myself down there in the roots and never resurface?

In my letter, I looked for answers, clues, a trail of crumbs to the problem and hopefully, solution. I pulled apart every key stage of my life, I searched my feelings, my values, my actions and looked for reasons why and what commonality might there be between those early actions to the actions I take as the grown up version of myself. So, what did I find? I definitely found a need for recognition- to be loved and accepted. Not in a needy way or having to always be first, but just by way of recognition that- I am enough or good enough. The way I behaved at school, with my early friends and my family was all about feeling safe, loved, fitting in and just about being enough. Without delving right into the details, I strongly believe the decisions I took to turn right instead of left- many times, had that core need of having to feel like I was good enough or that I alone, and not my actions and gestures, were enough. Perhaps I already had that from my children and therefore didnt need to seek it in them and in seeking from others, in making decisions to acquire that, incurred the loss I feel today and pure hell of guilt, shame and regret. The ‘me’ I spoke to in that letter needed and craved the things I feel I deprived my children of (for part of their life) and when I talk of guilt and the pain- it comes from a place of understanding where it originates but not of one of understanding how I could have done those things. I took away, particularly my youngest daughter’s, right to have a father around. I put her through the most unimaginable hell inside her head. I turned her whole world upside down and will have inflicted on her views of the world, relationships, parenting, love and god knows what that her innocent mind did not have to be corrupted by. I didnt think, didnt know and only saw my own problems and situation and whatever has triggered this train of thought, has shown me that if I take the necessary action NOW, I can at least stop the loss for not one more day than it needs to be. She has three years before she goes to uni and each day I take inaction, equals a day of loss of opportunity, repair and growth. That is where my urgency and my problem comes from, but as I get more emotional as I write, I too realise that I would be better off just making a choice and dealing with the consequences later- rather than continmue to exist here in paralysis. N

I woke this morning and thought deeply about my problem. I thought about what you said about each morning and I told myself that each day has to make a difference. Each day where I don’t take action- no matter how fearful it is, is a day wasted. My dream or my goal lies on the other side of fear and until I face that fear, that’s where it will always remain. I’m trying very hard to rationalise that fear- break it down into bite size chunks so in that rationalisation, I can understand ‘what’s the worst that could possibly happen’. I am going to both cause and be in pain. I know I will have mountains to climb but if I want peace and inner fulfilment, well, it isn’t going to happen in this version of my life anyway. 

I wish I could share, talk through it all but I have no one that either won’t be affected or is close enough. I have spoken to a friend but rewind back to your first reply to me about how you need someone to not pander to your fears or problems and be honest and open with you: that’s what I’m missing and need because in the absence of that, I’m the only one who provides that counsel and guilt gets in the way as a result! 

I feel in on the edge of a cliff with the biggest fear of heights (which I have by the way) but I have to take the most massive leap of faith over the edge and in the fall, comes peace, calm and the clarity to see the answers but there’s a huge fear to overcome first. 

I love the West coast. I’ve always had an ambition to go to San Francisco and run the mountains, walk the streets and drink the bars. I’ve spent lots of time in Florida and been to NY and Lake Eerie. One day maybe ? N

Hi again Brandy,

It’s interesting to see how different people get into or relate to subjects where matters of mindfulness, self awareness and emotional intelligence are at the heart. I’d never really thought or looked at life or my part in life in this way before I started to need answers to questions and in my pursuit of that, opened up a Pandora’s box of insight and power I never knew existed. Maybe that’s the key with this stuff- some of us are aware of it through curiosity and need to grow spiritually and therefore apply it in order to make minor changes in our lives whereas others stumble across it through desperation, the reaction to life impacting events and the need for answers to make large course corrections. I guess you know my case- I’ve never done this before and hiding behind a mask of anonymity I just fired an arrow out into the dark to see what would happen. I’ve read a little of other threads and intend to do so more. 

I can relate to your comments about guilt. Do you think guilt is synonymous with regret? The guilt I feel is in the choices I’ve made and the hurt I caused (or contributed to) where my actions have directly impacted another person detrimentally. I notice the list of guilt  you feel is all related to personal interactions or relationships. Isn’t it the cruelest trick of life that the way we behave as younger versions of ourselves through ignorance and lack of awareness is rewarded with more guilt as we become more enlightened. The big challenge then is to rationalise what we are feeling, identify why and as you said to me, forgive yourself. But how can you ever forgive yourself? Surely the awakening and awareness has to be so strong to withstand any self doubt or challenge to the point where self forgiveness can only happen because you truly, truly believe that today’s version of you- the one you’ve spent a life time building and arming with tools of awareness and knowledge, wouldn’t do those things. The person who did those things doesn’t exist, it was a version of ourselves in construction that did them and we weren’t complete yet so how inevitable is it that there’s going to be an adverse effect. If we drove a half built car and crashed it because we didn’t fit the brakes yet, we wouldn’t feel guilty- we’d identify the problem, fix it and move on. 

I have some of those same guilts which have now grown into regret- mainly because today’s version of me hadn’t even been realised. I have a brother who is in his forties who committed an act in my life when he was 18 and I don’t have him in my life because of years of being unable to forgive- or at least confront. I have let important relationships suffer to the point where they don’t exist anymore- relationships that as a child gave me so much happiness and fun.

And parenting! Don’t get me started! I think if I try and wrap up the whole parenting guilt under one heading (which is near impossible) I would say ‘expectation’. The expectation I had of myself was higher and in not living out the dream, much sadness and sabotaging emotion and feeling has ensued. I expected better of myself and in that expectation, I have to know the reasons why and the antidote to the reasons why, I believe, will hold the key to my future happiness. 

You say you worry how your kids will judge you? Do you believe you have something to be judged by? Don’t you already know how they see you? What are you aiming for? What will be a satisfactory outcome of their judgement? Will only perfection do? You say you’re happily married- trust me (and I don’t mean to be presumptuous) but that alone is a huge part of how they will see you- in a very good way. You know, the other thing, and I wait impatiently for this day….is that our children will only ever truly understand how much we love them, sacrificed for them and just how big a part of who we are they are when they have children of their own. There’s just no other practical demo better than that!

I have been scathing of my parents for a period for things they ‘didn’t’ do for me but understanding what they did do is a massive counterbalance and a lesson I learned some time ago which makes me see them now with nothing but love, respect and admiration. I wouldn’t change my parents or any aspect of how they brought me up for the world- they did the very best with what they had, what they knew and they created a much better life for me and my siblings then we should have had. 

I was the eldest of four. Two brothers and a sister- the sister two years after me, the next brother two after her and the youngest double that gap (accident apparently). My father was a very hard working, working class man who took almost nothing for himself and worked tirelessly, all his life to provide for his family. He has very little social life as a result at 77 now but he is loved by everyone for his strength, integrity and humility. He is quite simply my hero. He was once a giant, a rock and was indestructible. On Sunday morning, I was over to see my daughter and so I offered to take him swimming. To see his now frail and ageing body where once he was muscular and strong, was so sad to see and an instant reminder that nothing lasts forever- nothing! But in that moment, I loved him just as much as I always have and to see him smiling and joking as we swam together is a memory I’ll never forget now. You see, my dad is a perfect example of how to be a dad. He took it seriously and saw it through to the end. My shame, that I didn’t do that- or at least not to his demonstrable standard, is that I had the audacity to be annoyed at one point in my life that I hadn’t been pushed academically by both my parents. But it wasn’t their fault- they weren’t academics and only knew hard work and honesty- I have felt at times that the potential I showed in early life wasn’t realised because I wasn’t pushed or directed that way by them. All that really matters in life are the interactions we have with others and how we treat those closest to us and that our wealth, at the end of our lives is a reflection on the quality of that. It doesn’t matter if we have a hundred friends or just a few close loving relationships, when we leave this world- that’s all we have. My mum is similar to my dad in that she worked hard but has suffered with depression at times and her life has been affected by it. She is loved too.

My early childhood was amazing- so basic and full of the right kind of memories. I was always active, adventurous and outdoors in all weathers. But I also got so much from the security of feeling safe and feeling loved too- a trait that has probably caused more problems in my adult life as I’ve tried to recreate it. Mid- childhood was harder, I struggled at times to truly fit in and did develop a little insecurity which has shown itself in later life too. Late childhood/ teens was harder still as I never really had focus on a future or a dream and just drifted into adulthood and hard work rather than intelligence to get by. I played lots of sports as a kid and as a family we spent so much time together and we were so close.  I look back on my childhood with fondness although I definitely recognise unchecked behaviours and mindsets from then in my adult life now which have caused problems for me. I don’t blame anyone- I take full accountability for how things are today and that is ok. I do hear you about how family dynamic changes with the invasion into the inner circle of spouses etc. It’s inevitable and it certainly has had a significant effect on my family. 

I would share the detail of the choices I now need to make on here but like you, the internet…..creepy! I’d be happy to share over personal email but probably prefer to keep off here. 

My daughter was 16 on Sunday and I went over to see her. I’d baked a cake for her and decorated it with sugar paste creations of gym related items including a version of her doing sit ups! She loved it and we have a lovely time- albeit only for a few hours. I’m tired of the infrequency and briefness of our interactions and it’s part of the choices comment I made.

Listen- last point…..earlier you said about guilt and things you did when you were younger. When I was younger (or even recently) I always believed I was going to live forever and things just didn’t apply to me because I’m living forever, there’d always be just loads of time and everything would work out and life would be great. It’s only very recently, relatively speaking, that I’ve realised that’s not the case and the thoughts I had in my ignorant and unconscious state were wrong. The actions- or inaction, I took because of that mindset are wrong and as I said I believe, they came from a place that wasn’t me- or not the me of today. So please don’t feel guilty for things you wouldn’t do today. Be grateful for your awareness and the chance to never do them again or maybe put some of them right. Awareness is a beautiful gift- but only if used responsibly. You have nothing to feel guilty about! I can tell you are a good person and you just need to remember that. Speak soon N

Ps- loving your sense of humour! ?