Dear TeaK and Anita,

Thank you for your kind words, I’ll be noting some down to read again when I am down again. Actually, your last posts were mostly encouraging. Thank you for that, again. I hope that I won’t be re-living my patterns. Also, I’ll try to invest my time, energy and money into the stuff I like the most, like drawing or maybe as I said, tattooing. I can just create more as I feel sad.

Dear TeaK,

What kind of lies did you say, in order not to hurt their feelings?

It was a family business kind-of company. Therefore, even in 3 months, they started to count me as one of the family members. Although the family liked making work their members till they exhaust themselves. So it wasn’t something logical to say “I want to quit.”. I just thought, since I knew the company via two of my professors, I could look bad. I cannot explain anyone else that the standards were not okay, even some acquaintances of mine told me that they were okay. People are used to working their whole life away, and they expect you to do the same thing. I didn’t think my co-workers would understand, they were already there, working for the 5th or 10th year nonstop, without any annual holidays. They would just think I was lazy and that is not something I want to be known for by my professors or anyone else for that matter. Another employer might just call them to ask about me as well. Anyways, therefore I wanted to come up with something both real and wouldn’t make me look bad. My father went through hell in the past 10 years, because of cancer. So I just told them that, I told them that I had to take care of him, get back to my hometown. They tried to persuade me for a couple days, they didn’t want me to leave. But I knew that I had to leave that place, in order to stay alive mentally. It wasn’t the ethical thing to do, I regretted it afterwards. And it also wouldn’t be serving my means as well, they can still say bad things about me. But I’ll be planning a career in a different country now, hopefully, maybe that’s something I shouldn’t care about. I decided to be completely selfish about this topic and just go with the flow.

What are you crying about nowadays? Your boyfriend, quitting your job, or something else?

I do not feel emotional about quitting my job, I felt amazing after I finally did it. These days, now that I started to forget how hard it is, I kind of envy those days since I did dress better, I did put on makeup, went there and did my job. But that was the first month, the other months were just terrible and it would keep being terrible if I didn’t quit. I just get back to normal when I remember the bad sides of it, so no problem in that area. It was the right thing to do, I know that for sure.

I guess I’ll be crying about the relationship side. Now he has decided to move out for sure, arranged that flat for 2-3 months only, then he’ll have to find another flat mate but I guess this is a risk he is willing to take. I was let down before, I was abandoned before, I know I’ll be able to survive. But this time I have to grow up, I guess and this is going to be a bit painful. I’ll be yearning the way he communicates, all the intimate stuff I couldn’t do with anybody else. Maybe the most sentimental person I’ve known, I’ll be missing him like I would miss my mother, a caregiver.

I hear you Anita, it’s high time that I learned to stayed all alone and still managed to be satisfied with life. Although, I cannot find the strength to face life and feel vulnerable as I said. But I have to face that feeling to, without clinging to him or anybody else. I will encourage him to find a new home and move out, to create his own space. Maybe then, I will be able to see everything more clearly.

I also feel clueless and I feel like that’s what I should be feeling at this point. I’m trying to hold on to my job just to put aside one more pay-check and get closer to a more comfortable life, which could happen abroad, in a better country with better work-life standards allowing people to have jobs that doesn’t fully leech off of them leaving no time what-so-ever.

We used to have ‘Remote Saturdays’ because of the pandemic curfews during weekends. All week-days were at the office, and then our Saturdays would be remote. Working from our homes, I was able to sleep more, rest more since I could literally do my job in my bed with my laptop. This week, the Saturday curfews have came to an end. We’ll be at the office 6 days a week, 54 hours in total. I’m also spending 2 hours with transportation, leaving me no time to relax. I’m sleep deprived, cannot fall asleep most of the time and even 8 hours does not feel enough when I’m able to sleep. And I earn 2.25 dollars for each hour, I’m sure that sounds worse to you than it does to me.

Also, I am sometimes making this a bigger deal than it already is, though. For example, I’m at the office and it’s been 3 hours. I’ve only worked for 20 minutes so far. Sometimes I work with a full focus the whole day, but sometimes I focus for like 2 hours and that’s it.

As for the love, I’ve always loved animals. I have much more empathy towards them compared to the one I have towards people. We used to adopt sick animals, trying to heal them with my mother. I used to live with those animals while she was at work. I cannot adopt an animal these days because I have no time or extra money to take care of one, but my mom has like 8 cats in her house and she always takes care of the animals that live nearby, at the streets. What I can do is just sending some money to the people in need who is trying to heal them as well, I’ve been sending some since I’ve started this job. I wish I could do more but I guess that needs to end once I stop earning from this job as well.

You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.

It was not exactly our of necessity. I could decide not to work and my mom would support me anyways. But having an extra clingy father, not being able to have the smallest luxuries like little furry pencils which costed like a penny then, made me feel bad about spending money. I wasn’t able to have the stuff I wanted and he didn’t chose to spend money for us, he chose to spend it for his luxuries. When I look back, I feel sad about those days. There are tons of memories where I just wanted a small gesture, a small toy or a furry pencil that costed so little. And he was a teacher, and my mom was working as well. We did have money, but we lived like we didn’t have any. Even my mom was used to live like that. She didn’t even have extra clothes, any cosmetics what-so-ever. She was making as much money as dad did, but she didn’t have the freedom to spend it. We were brought up to be like that.

After their divorce, my mom started to spend the money she was earning for us, for us. I wasn’t able to get any pocket money from my dad and I felt so guilty for every penny I had to get from my mother. Therefore, I started to work, I’ve transformed my hobbies into freelance jobs, like designing and she is still proud of that.

Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.

I can try this, not sure whom but, I can imagine I suppose.

Thank you Anita, TeaK and Peter. It’s a privilege to be able to share all the details and your support means a lot as well. All of the mental and physical challenges I’m facing these days requires a huge deal of perseverance. I’m not sure how much perseverance I have within me.

I’ve been thinking about a B plan for like 2 days and it includes, quitting this job, then investing in a tattoo machine and an ipad which would allow me to draw more and more. Maybe then I would be able to find more gigs and create a future.

It’s probably because of a deep longing in you for care and attention, so when you feel you’ve received it to a degree, it’s both touching but also causing sadness because it takes you right back to your childhood and those memories of feeling abandoned and not cared for. Am I guessing this right?

Your words sound right, also it feels like I’m meeting with an old friend that I have missed a lot. However, you have to get used to the feeling, you have to feel normal with that friend I guess. But that’s not the case for me. It seems like the care and support/love that my boyfriend offers is not enough, it’s like I need more and more. Everytime he acts kindly to me, I feel that longing over and over again. I desperately need that attention, but I have hard time receiving that attention. I’m not sure how I feel about myself not deserving or deserving, it sometimes feels like I deserve more love than I actually receive. But then again I might be in that contradiction as well, whether or not worthy, I desperately need it.

What is his diagnosis, if I may ask? And why did his therapist quit their sessions? Did they suggest someone else?

There isn’t any clear diagnosis, as far as I know. I didn’t want to overwhelm him regarding his therapies, so I didn’t poke my nose that much, which might’ve been a mistake. We’ve been living together for one year now and I don’t know most of the medication he has used. I guess I have a part of myself which tends to be distant as well, I might stay distant at some issues or situations like my mother. I need the attention but I have troubles giving the same attention I guess.

I guess the doctors mentioned major depression and that’s all. Although, we thought he might have Borderline Personality Disorder. But I also heard that doctors tend to stay away from harsh expressions to make less mistakes during the treatment, I’m not sure. As for the psychiatrist that quit, he used to have this one psychologist and they did have a connection. I guess they did therapies for a long time, but she literally grew up with him. The psychologist was a bit young and she learned much with him, last summer when he asked for her help, she suggested that he should seek help from a more professional, experienced psychiatrist with a cognitive behavioral therapy background.

Then he did look for someone and found this professor with all those experiences and went to get therapy from her even though it was very expensive. She prescribed him all those heavy meds and told that the therapy would start after their effects start as well. Then he started to experience these tantrums or mental breakdowns even more often. It was like the tantrums got heavier day by day. He started to harm his belongings, like his computer or the door during an argument. He was also harming himself during or after those tantrums. After a couple of months and 3-4 sessions, I guess, that psychiatrist wanted to quit working with him. He was texting her asking for help during those months and I thought that she was kind of tired of this. But when I read everything he has texted, I realized there was nothing wrong with the messages. They were not a lot, not at all. He was just asking for help, and she didn’t even reply. I still have resentment towards that doctor, I feel very upset about this. I cannot imagine how bad it must’ve been for him.

Then another friends’ suggestion was this psychiatrist from another city, so the sessions would be online. He called her and they talked, but this one suggested that online therapy would not be enough and he should seek professional help in a clinic face-to-face or even something like rehab. But the university kept giving different doctors to him everytime he went there. There wasn’t any consistency at all.

You seem to have a very exhausting and demanding job, which hardly gives you any free time. Is there a way to make it a little less exhausting, or could you find another job?

This is my first job after graduation. I used to work all the time during my school years, I’ve started working when I was 15. I used to consider myself as a workaholic. However, this job is making me get rid of that title and concept. I know that I cannot spend my life, even a year of my life, working this hard, at a office, trying to please my boss. I am working 9 hours everyday and Saturdays are included as well. And I spend my Sundays with laundry, personal hygiene or cleaning. So it feels really bad to get home at night and try to relax, sleep for a while and then go back to work. It basically never ends and this suffocates me. I have a perfectionist boss who is not satisfied with anything, so the most stressfull thing is the boss. However, I decided that I must go on till I cannot anymore to put some money aside for my future. Maybe for a masters degree abroad or another opportunity, I’ll need money and I’m trying to earn that money at the moment.

I’m sorry for this long post, but my colleague is playing depressive songs in his computer so I’m very influenced by that. So I wanted to express my feelings and thoughts more. I’ve talked with my mother last night for 1.5 hours on the phone. She kept going on and on about how he is a very good person but we cannot live like this. She is concerned, very concerned. She thinks that he manipulates me without knowing. She also suggested ‘me getting scared for losing him this much’ is related with ego. I was a bit more rational last night, I was able to talk, then sleep. But right now I am feeling as vulnerable/weak as a very thin glass. I feel like I cannot continue my life without him.

I totally see your point and I have to agree. I also asked this to myself from time to time, however, I know he does everything to be better towards me. So I cannot blame him for that. Also, from what I’ve heard or saw, he already does that. He does hold himself from expressing so many thoughts. His mind is full with them. So sometimes he can slip up and say a few of them. As for the finals, I’m surprised how he managed to complete all of them, I saw how hard it was for him to try and go on, though. I guess I’ll have to observe my thoughts, my mind and him during our separation (his trip to his hometown) and then act accordingly. I know that I’d feel terrible, I’d feel terrible. But even if I get laid off from work because of my performance being terrible, I would stay alive. I would feel neutral from time to time. It would be terrible mostly but I would see the neutral moments as well.

You can see below how I can act rational sometimes. This applies to all humanbeings I guess.

Dear Anita and TeaK,

Thank you so much for your kind and detailed advices. I will be reading again at home and I’ll try to implement these. I’ve read last posts at the office and it was hard for me to not cry during those moments. If someone is understanding me, showing me empathy or showing me kindness about these deep topics, I burst into tears, I cannot help it. Although I show ultimate attention to not cry in front of others, and that does not include my boyfriend. He is the only person right now that listens, cares that much and can stand my crying. Therefore, It will be really hard for me to get used to live without him or be without him even for a week. He completed his finals and planned his trip to his hometown. He’ll be gone this Thursday and I don’t know how much he’ll stay. I encouraged him to not hurry, stay calm and decide for the moving thing later. I don’t want him to feel all alone but he feels that way, I suppose. He doesn’t see her hometown as a place to live, stay. He doesn’t feel home in our current home, I guess. But I have a feeling that he’ll miss our home and realize that it was like home, after he has left it and I feel sorry for that already.

During the Valentine’s Day, he bought some flowers and a little gift. I had bought a gift box as well. We’ve spent our day like we were still valentines. He was a bit stable, then. Days went by and we were good, we were separate, but we were together. I even thought it can be good again and we can keep going. I still have doubts. I’m ready to forgive him, I might’ve already done. He, on the other hand, would never forgive himself.

Today, he feels bad again. He texts me saying he doesn’t want to exist at all, again. I can get professional help as long as I have this exhausting job. I even got an appointment for the next month, an online therapy. But it seems like there are not any psychiatrist or psychologist good enough to help him. I don’t know what can be done, he doesn’t know as well. Being abandoned by one of the best and the most expensive psychiatrists around here, he feels helpless, I guess.

I’ll have to keep going by waking up everyday, running to the office, working for hours and hours, getting back home exhausted, sleep for a couple of hours and do the same thing over and over. That would be the case whether he stays or leaves.

I also feel like I’m in denial as well. I wish this never happened cause I’m not sure how to make a radical decision. His behaviors are just some trials to feel alive. He wants to be dead almost every second. I’m sure when he wakes up (I won’t be home ofc) he’ll remember what happened at night and he’ll want to kim himself. I doubt he’ll do that. But I know he’ll feel terrible for making me cry again. Also I’ve never felt dumbed because of being cheated on before, this is the first time I feel dumbed.