Dear Nick, I couldn’t understand what you’ve meant and I’m eager to learn!

Dear Anita, thanks for this comprehensive message which again, fed me a lot. Merry Christmas to you too!

All the things you wrote make sense. I’ll be sharing this with the psychiatrist I’m seeing, which will be 2 months later. In the meantime, I felt like I can work on these key points myself. I’m realizing everyday that I can get better at some subjects. It made sense when you also used the same key points, like confidence. I can see how insecure I can get in my relationships and how much of a compromise I am able to give in order to avoid conflict or maybe in order to avoid another abandonment. And I’m simply afraid of attracting too much attention by wearing the stuff I want or doing make up. I tend to not step ahead to feel better, and wear better, and look better. Of course I always take care of the basic stuff, maybe more than lots of people. I care about that a lot, in a weird way maybe. I never go out with unplucked brows, I always have them ready, even though I have to pluck them like two times a week. But when it comes to make-up, maybe I never feel like I have the confidence for it. Slowly trying to get over that these days, maybe it has been a lot, like two years, but it’s a slow process. Although I like those stuff on other people, this problem is just about having them myself.

Other treatment goals: “regaining an adaptive equilibrium, alleviating symptoms, restoring lost skills, and fostering improved adaptive capacity”- (1) learning skills such as choosing and asserting oneself, (2) changing maladaptive/harmful thinking and behaviors into adaptive/ helpful thinking and behavior, and (3) feeling better, stable- as a result.

I’m not really sure if this is what I have, but I clearly have lots of symptoms of it. Therefore, working on myself for two months till my next appointment and talking about this at that appointment seems logical. I don’t want to live a life which I mostly fear of things, and fall behind just because I’m scared of attention or more specifically, the wrong type of attention since I mostly fear of physical attention rather than a mental one. Although it sometimes prevents me from expressing myself further as well. I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, or insecure to share. But I would say that it has effects on me. Sometimes I find myself listening and feeling bad when somebody is speaking about something that they don’t know and I don’t really interrupt. Rarely, I do that, in a weird way, or not. But then, I question my ego.

Especially these last weeks, I stumbled upon some circumstances where the person I’m talking with has this attitude that I can destroy in just one second. Sometimes, I just didn’t do that. And the other times, I felt my ego a lot, rising. I just obeyed that, and gave some kind of an answer where I put myself ahead. But then, I realized that wasn’t the right thing to do, immediately. I really like feeding my ego, though. However, it’s like, I would like to be able to do it the right way. I would prefer to be in a good position when I do that, I would rather have people saw my knowledge or skills naturally instead of me expressing them. Maybe I’m that much of an egoist! Kidding. But maybe I am! But that can be another type of confrontation, confronting people about the stuff you do, and maybe I am also avoiding that.

Dear Anita,

It feels weird since I felt like opening up tinybuddha and reading the topics, and I’ve seen that you’ve replied to this topic 8 hrs ago.

“I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen“- ask him if he wants to listen, if he is patient and can wait and be gentle with you, not pushy, not demanding.

I feel like he has lots of stuff to open up to me, maybe more traumas than I have. He has been an understanding person even if he acted a bit weird sometimes when I act cold, and then we both apologized for our behaviours. I feel like he is the most adult relationship I’ve ever had. I can be more open, still, I have the fear of abandonment and I feel anxious when I don’t get an answer for like 5 hours. But I know that’s my problem and he doesn’t make me feel insecure about losing anything. He has been giving me signs, telling stuff, or reminding me that he loves me during the week which makes me feel safe. Sometimes a few times in a day, sometimes a few times in a week. I can feel and observe how my thoughts and anxiety can differ accordingly with his words and I also see that it happens within my mind. I don’t know how stable he is with his emotions. I tend to be very unstable with mine, and he is like me in so many aspects. But my fear of abandonment actually prevents me from being unstable regarding the love or affection I feel towards somebody since my fear doesn’t let me be free or be myself, I guess. Or maybe I’m just loyal and I see it like this. However, fear of abandonment preventing me from being unstable in relationships and making me loyal is the most rational thought I can find in this pond of thoughts. It makes sense to me.

Your subconscious mind jumps immediately to the unfortunate outcome: I will be abandoned. And this makes you cry inconsolably.

Yes, this is maybe the most powerful self-sabotage I have in my mind. And I try to distract myself from that, just like in my childhood. I distinctly remember that whenever I wasn’t able to distract myself with the computer, with a game, or something interesting, I was suddenly depressed and suffocated. I couldn’t help myself but cry in those times. Then school started and I learned to press those emotions a bit. They only broke out rarely, when something I couldn’t resist happened. Like a little fight where my emotions got triggered and at the end, I couldn’t help myself but cry because my necklace was broken. I wasn’t sad at the necklace, it didn’t mean anything. I was just highly affected by the incident and I couldn’t hold myself. But I told everyone that it was the necklace and it had a meaning to me. I was in 4th grade then.

I don’t think you’ve shared before that your mother actually left you after the divorce to go live with her brothers, while you stayed with your father. (You did say she abandoned you physically, but now you explained how it happened).

This abandonment was a bit vague, that’s why I still have a hard time understanding it. I cannot recall how many months it took, but first, she left us for a while to go live with her brothers. I must’ve spent at least 2 months or maybe more time with my dad. Then I guess they’ve seen that I wasn’t able to endure, my mom made my uncle come and get me so that I can be with them in that city. After some time, we were back in our hometown and my mom left my mom officially so I kept living with my mom. I have never thought this period has given me some damage till 2018. Only after that year, I’ve started to understand I was experiencing the same emotions when something bad happens or when I’m faced with abandonment.

Your father was narcissistic and didn’t really want to care for you, so he left you at his friends while he went to his hobbies. Which means he didn’t want to spend his free time with you, maybe even his weekends?

He is actually very emotional. He even feeds off of emotions, sad ones. But he is very bad at empathy and expressing his emotions. He wasn’t able to connect with me on an emotional level rather than the intellectual stuff he tried to impose upon me. I’m very grateful for that intellectual stuff, he actually contributed a lot to the person I am today. But I can also see how he affected me and gave me damage. I’m guessing, thanks to him, I have a very hard time trusting people, and just like him, I always have doubts about people. I always think about the worst-case scenarios and even after the tiniest tip that people gave away, I always think that they might harm me.

He was around when my sister was a child and a teen, so he affected my sister way more than he did to me. She acts exactly like a narcissist now. For my father and my sister, there are two types of people. The ones that they own, and the ones that they don’t own. My mom and me, since we’re family, they have always owned us, and they didn’t care about our families. They only got what they could get from us, they got their nutrition as much as they could get and we were nothing at the end of the day. For the people they do not own, they are charming. I’ve had so many children at my school during my primary school that hated me since he was my father. They thought that this was an amazing thing and they even used to envy that. But they didn’t know the whole story, they didn’t know how he behaved at home and the weird thing is, I was lost in this contradiction as well. I didn’t realize what was happening, I was just lost.

I also got lost explaining how he is, but yes, his understanding of time was having me read books or having me study, that was all. He was my teacher, nothing more. I have no memories of hugging him in a way that would make me feel safe. And I didn’t know that I needed that then, I was just doing what I was taught. If I had known that, I would just teach him how to do it. But I’ve always been so introverted near him. I didn’t have the courage to ask something like “can I play with the computer” let alone show affection. But I know that he didn’t know how to do it either. So I cannot feel any anger or grudge towards him, but I have my regrets even though I know I’ve done my best. It’s weird how people can have regrets for something they didn’t do, maybe that’s empathy or self-sabotage, I’m not sure.

– Something about that ex-boyfriend of yours, who I thought was a terrible boyfriend to you, something about his attending to you,  made you feel better when you felt that “weird, ugly feeling”? Better than anyone has made you feel in a long time, and maybe for as long as forever?

Yes, I would say so. He was the most understanding person when he was the good version of himself. But at other times, he made me feel really bad too. I know it was really unhealthy now and I know it was the good thing to do, even if I wasn’t the person who broke it off. He was powerful enough to do it. I still feel weird about him, I sometimes miss him and see him in my dreams. It’s a weird feeling, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that here before but I feel similar emotions towards my mother. I feel lots of guilt. I feel bad because of the hard things they have to or had to endure. Both of them made me feel bad but both of them didn’t do it on purpose. I know their hearts, so I cannot feel any bad feelings towards them, only the good ones. So it’s very hard for me to forget him. But I know that this is the right thing, to move on.

I am sorry that you were not helped here, by posting here. I hope that the psychiatrist you’ve been seeing back in October is helping him, and that deep inside you are a bit less lonely, a bit more able to choose, a bit stronger.

Don’t be sorry, just being understood is very valuable and I don’t think I’m not being helped. I’m trying and observing, writing here everything makes me observe even better and you pointed out things that I wouldn’t be able to find or interpret myself. I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist approximately every other month, online. It’s not in-depth yet, it’s going very slow. But I feel like I shouldn’t expect too much, I’m giving it time, she needs to know me first as well. As for him, I guess he hasn’t been able to find “the doctor” yet from what I’ve heard but my fingers are crossed. I sincerely want him to be happy.

Other than that, things are going well for me. Mundane challenges, my job, stuff I try to enjoy. I try to read more, understand more. I don’t know what else I want from life but I guess I’m working on the security first. Both in terms of emotions and finance.

“A friend of mine suggested that I was trying to let go of responsibilities during these ‘cannot let go’, ‘cannot break up’ mindsets. Maybe I really try to let go of my responsibilities”- I didn’t understand this part- what your friend was trying to say. (You don’t have to explain  it to me if you don’t feel like it).

I’ve met an old friend the previous week and we talked about my break-up for a while. The point he was trying to make was the fact that how hard was it for me to let him go, or forget or move on. He’s aware of the things that made me upset during the relationship and he did tell me to break things up as soon as possible months ago. When I’ve told him that I’ve waited cause I couldn’t do it, and I’ve waited till he was the one trying to move on; he was concerned that I couldn’t take responsibility. I have never thought of this because I didn’t want to break up with him. I’ve always had this part of myself who wanted to continue with him because the other way seemed much scarier. However, thinking about what he said, I really have a hard time taking responsibility. Maybe that’s because I like staying safe, in terms of finance and in terms of relationships. I often avoid conflicts and I even make concessions in my everyday life to avoid conflicts, even with my flatmates sometimes. I was never avoiding any type of conflict with him, though. I was transparent all the way.

So these days, I’m thinking about how much I use my free will. Sometimes I don’t use it at all. Sometimes I just go with the flow and oftentimes, that flow happens to be contingent upon other people. It was like that with my relationships as well. I don’t choose people, they choose me. And I stay in their life as long as they continue choosing. I think I’ll try to start choosing people from this on.

It’s still my habit, staying up till late. I try to sleep every single day, though, and I’m able to do it. Since I have remote shifts, not so tiring, I have the opportunity to spare some time to myself to relax, to watch some stuff, and sometimes read. And since I’m all alone in my own room, there is no extra work. I had to organize stuff more when I lived with him. I had to change sheets more, tidy up more. Right now, it’s just me in the room and I get along with my flatmates regarding the other rooms of the house.

I’m getting better, I suppose. I’m depressive sometimes but I try to distract myself with movies I have always wanted to watch and couldn’t find time to.

On a side note, I’ve realized that I decide out of fear sometimes. Fear plays a great role in my life. I get scared a lot, by the life itself. I don’t trust life that much, that’s sad.

I guess I’ve written poorly. By “this”, I meant my current state, not being able to move on. I wanted to be more like the girl and less like me, I guess.

I need to accept what happened, I need to accept that we couldn’t do it. I need to accept that I can be and feel okay on my own. I just need to grow out of that little girl’s mind.

I can understand and accept that right now. There will be times when I cannot again, where I’ll feel vulnerable again. I’ll try to resist the urge and I’ll be decisive this time.

Thank you Anita, it’s like my escape road from anxiety. Whenever I feel vulnerable, anxious, I can take a break and just come here to feel more neutral. I’m trying to deal with my thoughts at the moment, again, I have contact with him. I know that he is not so well either but I know that this was the right decision. It’s not going to be healthy for us to try again and again. In fact, I knew that long before, I felt it long before. But even though I could felt it, maybe it was easier to hold on to him, to the connection. Whenever I feel vulnerable, I’m still well aware of the fact that it wasn’t healthy for me and him. But that vulnerability or anxiety makes me want the connection one more time, without any further intention. No plans, no nothing. I just feel the need for that connection without any logic.

Dear Anita,

It’s getting weird each day. I feel like I’m on a new episode of being miserable. I kept living the same cycle over and over again with him and we kept coming back to each other after those crises. It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion. In moments like this, he just tells me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s anything. But he also told me that he would never do the same mistakes again with other people. So we haven’t been in contact since, it kind of breaks my heart. When I come across the marks his posters left on the walls, I felt miserable. I felt like I couldn’t resist the time, time just passed away and we got away from each other without me realizing it.

I feel different, I feel alone most of the time. I keep doing my tasks, my projects, job stuff, and it’s going well. It has been a year since my graduation. The birthday we’ve spent together was my first relaxed earned weekend since that graduation. Then we lost contact. Right after I’ve learned to earn my weekends and spare myself some time to relax, he is out of the picture. This breaks my heart as well. He was upset because I didn’t and couldn’t spare any time for us to just spend carelessly. I needed a year to be able to do that but he just didn’t want to endure this time.

I feel like I’m using lots of ‘he’s when I should be using ‘I’s, but I cannot help thinking about him sometimes. I’ve read your post yesterday, and I also got a rejection mail from a bootcamp. I’m used to being rejected by these kinds of events or jobs, it happens, that’s life. But I still couldn’t get over the fact that I was rejected by the only person I thought did accept me as a whole. I don’t know if this is the ego talking or the love, I don’t know what should I focus on.

He knows how it’s toxic to ask about the past, think about one’s past. So he tells himself that he would never question anybody else. But he did that with me for a year, and I couldn’t get respect in that area. I feel wronged by life, it’s like I’m a neglected child all along. He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone. 

This is my previous post and I’m still trying to figure out what this feeling says about me. Is this me being self-centered? I even see stuff like this in my dreams. It just breaks my heart how he can move on like that. He can move on, he can deal with the fact that I’m devastated and he can leave me like that. Maybe I’m putting too much responsibility here, but I wanted to express my feelings as they come.

Earlier this year, you wrote, as if answering my question above: “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty.. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would choose to just stay in bed and sleep for days… crying and being miserable”-

– is this still your answer still?

It is not, I don’t feel empty. I feel so much resentment towards him and towards life. I feel pain and it gets smaller and bigger. Other than that I just try to handle the things I should do and I’m doing fine regarding that. I’ll spare a night for myself and see an emotional movie. I’ll probably cry, and then maybe sleep. I’m safe but I don’t know when this will end or when I’ll be okay. Sorry about all these emotional postings.

Hi dear Anita,

I couldn’t bring myself to write something, I was kind of fluctuating between moods. I got back from my hometown and I found out that he started seeing somebody else while I was away. He said that he did that just not to stay alone and it didn’t mean anything. I basically couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. When he said that, by texting, I suffocated. Then I’ve blocked him on every communication channel besides the classic SMS, and he texted there and wanted to see me. He didn’t want to end things this way, with this much hate(?) he said. But hate was nowhere near me, I cannot even get angry with him. I’m just in pain when I think about what happened. I cannot accept the fact that he could touch, speak and basically see another person while I was thinking about him. Being away helped me mentally but when I was back, my home was full of memories, naturally. I spent days crying and then I had to do so much work because of the time I’ve wasted.

Then he came to see me, to end things peacefully. Since we’ve missed each other very much, it was like in the past again. But the fluctuations continued. One moment he was all in love with me again, and the other moment he was thinking about what he’ll do with the other person. One moment he looks at me and speaks to me with so much love and the other moment he acts very cold, thinking that the best would be if he gets away from everybody.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so much pain when I think about how could he do those things. Maybe I cannot face reality, there is a part of me who cannot get away, cannot move on, and doesn’t want to move on. I both want to get free from this jail I’ve built.