I guess your question clearly represents my need for intimacy. Since I don’t have anybody I feel this much intimacy with, and also because I don’t have anybody that understands me enough to make me comfortable by understanding, I choose to stay in this relationship. I cannot imagine how I can break up with him or make the decision to make him move to another place because both of them could have results such as a suicide or at least excessive self-harm. I, now, don’t have the strength to take this risk both for me and him. He considers himself a lost cause most of the time and I really want to make our lives better even though I know that’s not my responsibility. I don’t want to end anything unless it’s coming from him as well, in that case, he would be offering that in order to prevent more harm to me. He was using 75mg. and today he started using the same drug with 150mg. I really hope that our days can be brighter soon. I have to pass the leaving or separating houses solutions you’ve given me because I am really afraid of the possible outcomes. And he was always there for me when I needed, I feel like I should be there for him and I want to.

Also, we went to my hometown for 4 days for dental treatment and we stayed at mom’s house together. During those 4 days, since I was again depressed because of my memories with family and hometown, he kind of transformed into a better state and tried to help me and comfort me in any way. The day we’ve got back to our shared-house, I got better a little bit and he started to feel depressed again. This can be also because my mom tried to talk with us about psychological issues and asked him this specific question. “What does make you feel valuable?” He couldn’t reply. I couldn’t find any way to make him feel more valuable since then. I have this problem as well but he has it more I guess.

Thank you for your support. He started to use his tranquilizer these days and I didn’t know he took 2 pills today for example. He was first against it, I guess it made him feel even sicker to need them. But then he started to take when he gets weird mood swings, I’ve never seen him angrier by the way. He is also doesn’t think the psychiatrist understands him or cares him enough which is probably true. He thinks that “The doctor and the antidepressants would not make me gain/earn myself, it can only reintegrate me into society.”
(I’ve translated the full sentence he said, that’s why ‘make me gain/earn’ part seems awkward. He meant something like being normal again, loving oneself again, having hope again.)

He slowly started to not answer his parents’ phone calls sometimes, I decided for now it’s not my job to say anything to him, his sister has met me so if they feel worried, they can ask me as well, other than that I think it’s better for me to stay outside of this. I’ll search for ways to make us feel better again. We just need some hope in our lives, especially him.

Thanks again, Anita. I guess you’re right but asking for him to look for a new apartment is kind of hard for me and him in current conditions. Separating houses would make our financial situations a bit hard, it would make us look for new flatmates in a timeframe which we should be busy working, etc. I’ll consider this in the following days but he actually started using antidepressants again. As I have mentioned, this started to be something I cannot handle and I wanted him to go to therapy again. I wanted a professional to handle this since I can’t anymore. He went, they prescribed a calmative drug for crisis and also an antidepressant. I don’t know if things would get better in the long run, but he is better already, after 2-3 days. I also started to be careful about my reactions and try to show my affection even more since this is the problem we have. He is afraid that I stop loving him or I start thinking that I can do better, be with better people etc.

The Middle Way seems great by the way, not forcing anything. Thank you for everything, again.

I want to mention that I’m really sensitive as well when it comes to animals and people that I know who’s innocent. I get emotional so fast when I’m faced with a story, a visual or an idea. I can understand this sensitivity, I just find it somehow contradictory. She can relate to an animal who’s left behind but she can’t relate to me? Sounds like an escape to me.

Dear Anita,
I’m mesmerized by your reply, the conclusion you have arrived from the posts I have shared, I cannot believe how accurate it sounds. But I want to add something as well. I tend to think that the anger occurs when something is cannot be understood. It’s like I can have anger towards my parents and I can express it, but I won’t be understanding their conditions if I were to do that. I know that they have much more traumatizing lives and the traumas I’ve got are just the outcome of theirs. They have tried so much to do the right thing but this was the best they could. Therefore, I cannot rationalize having anger towards them and I don’t feel any. Actually I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I could’ve make their lives better, that’s the feeling I have. I know from myself that it’s hard to love somebody if you’re not loved in the first place. At least I wasn’t hated in my childhood, I was just neglected a lot. I know that my dad was beaten to within an inch of life most of the time and kept in the basement for days. As I said, I don’t know if I can ever feel anger. I can only feel resentment towards the life itself, but I’m not that spiritual and that doesn’t work for me as well. I try to get better in terms of spirituality since I wasn’t raised with a religion of any kind, but I also need a clarity to do that and I couldn’t figure out how to achieve that yet.
Also, the fact that you don’t think opening up to my parents is not a good idea kind of relieved me, it would be impossible for me. I have started to give clues about how I feel to my mother the past year, after those old posts I have shared. This made me realize my mother’s tendency to neglect others’ misery even more. I have always blamed my father’s behaviors thinking about my depression, but seeing that made me realize how my mother have affected me as well. I see my father as a violent, narcissist, despot but a loving dad. He does have the ability to love, however, he doesn’t have a clue about how to show it and when he tries, he messes things up. So, yes my father affected me significantly in terms of my relationship with men. But when I talk with my mom, I see that because of all the drama and trauma she was born into, she looks down on and doesn’t respect to others’ misery all the time. I have told this to her several times after I realized this, and she either doesn’t really understand or she doesn’t want to understand. So I guess I have to accept her for who she really is.

Thank you a lot for your in depth reply, really. I have to solve those problems you’ve mentioned, I just have to find out how. Also, I have to both get better and make him feel better because I don’t think this is going anywhere healthy.. Thank you so much for your time and kindness.

Thank you Anita, I will try to do the stuff you told. He knows invading my privacy is the wrong thing, he did it because of a crisis. I know that’s not an excuse, he just couldn’t help himself. He says that the stuff he saw was traumatizing and he remembers from time to time. I hope we can pass this, I know we can help each other. I hope we will.

I have to be able to create that affection by myself and not need it from anyone else. It’s a really hard task for me but I’m trying to accomplish this at the moment. Also it is really hard for me to share this side of me with my parents, I can share a bit with my mom but I don’t think this kind of confrontation would end in a nice way because of my dad’s health issues. I can even lose him, so I’m not planning any confrontation with him. Maybe it would be a big regret for me in the future but I don’t know, I don’t have the courage for that.

Thank you again for your reply, really.

Initially, Anita that is so accurate I don’t know what to say about it. Also I am not sure I figured out how the reply system work, so I hope you get notified by that. I have to work on the problems you’ve clearly mentioned, I have to learn to value myself.

Dear Inky, Actually I am a person who has many hobbies, interests in life. I am simply a jack of all trades, master of none. Maybe in this regard, I can try to be master in one subject and distract myself. But that doesn’t end there, I have been distracting myself from this problem my whole life. I have to be in a place where even when I have nothing to do, I can feel content by myself. That is the problem. Then again, thank you for your suggestion.

Dear Peggy,

Firstly I feel that I have already forgiven my parents about this issue, I have never felt any resentment towards them. I can understand where these behaviours are coming from and even though they created a problem, I know their intentions. Maybe the problem I can’t solve is the fact that I can’t be open with them about this. I have never shown them the hurt version of me, they think that I’m a healthy, strong person. And I have no intention of doing that either, I don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about, I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people. (Especially I have a tendency to try to solve it with a partner..)

Thank you all for your support and answer…