Belly Button,

While it is understandable to hold onto grudges, it is not healthy, especially for the grudge-holder. You don’t want to hold that against him at convenient times. Just know that it probably wasn’t personal, if you love this guy, if you feel he has a good heart, then you should try to understand that maybe it was a defense mechanism. I know I tend to be more distant and cold if I feel like pushing people away without having to say so explicitly. Sure, it can be a bit childish or immature, but there are people out there who aren’t good at communicating these messages. You can try to do a burning session and absolve yourself of any negative feelings and strive for positive ones. Stop bringing it up in fights, it will not serve any of you. You will be much happier if you put it past you, because after all, you are back with this guy, give both of yourself some slack. Best of luck on your journey of forgiveness, it takes a strong person to forgive. Be gentle with yourself and also forgive yourself too. 🙂

Kelly,

I agree with Jasmine. Go and and do you, do what makes you happy! It seems as though all you and Thomas have to do is go on with your merry selves not worry about this guy Josh. Life happens. Life is simple, but no one said it would be easy.

I leave you with these words:

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” -Rumi

just wanna say that @matt gives the BEST advice. 🙂

Dear @hmvg,

I commend you for being able to be so open, vulnerable, and honest in your writing. I too am going through a recent break-up (5 weeks ago), and I too wanted to write a letter to let this guy know how hurt I am (was), and I wanted him to understand the implications of his abrupt departure. [Side note: I also posted a thread about potentially writing the letter, but I felt so embarrassed that I took it down because I realized I had the answers in me all along, and I chose to make zero contact.]
Much like yours, it was like having a rug pulled beneath me. Though, in being honest with myself, I would be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming. It was coming alright. I knew we had grown apart and I knew that he used me as a source of happiness and escape from his dark and miserable condition. and in turn, I used him as a source of validation and the kind of person I am, I like to feel like I am wanted, appreciated, (though, who doesn’t like to be appreciated.) Nevertheless, I was too accommodating to him and to his commitment-phobia… still I mistreated myself and my heart in the process. I put his needs above my own. I know that now, and I am better because of that. Though I am learning and I am working on my wellness and my sanity throughout this process. After nights of crying and wallowing, I can say with much self-respect and pride that I have not cried or felt so low in the last 8 days, (it’s definitely progress for me) though, If I do end up having a crying bout or a feeling of sorrow, I will just feel it out and let is pass. After all, we are human beings, and we are sensitive. My point of sharing my own experience is to let you know that you are not alone, and although you may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am here to tell you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel YOU ARE THAT LIGHT…. It is within YOU! Don’t put yourself in a tunnel, be your own source of happiness and your own light. I know that the repeated advice is for one to work on themselves during a breakup/heartache/heartbreak, but it is true. If it’s one thing I have learned from good men out there is that they want a partner who is self-aware, self-assured, and confident. Yes, it is wonderful to be vulnerable with your partner when you reach that level, but that vulnerability ought not be confused with emotional dependency. It is a fine line and I think a lot of people confuse the two.

If you are going to send him this letter, consider the following:

Can you move on without having to send him this letter?

You say you don’t want a reaction/response, but your letter is very emotion-filled, how could you not warrant a response?

Do you want hime to sympathize with your pain? Think of how he left you so abruptly. Does he deserve to even have contact with you?

Lastly, be gentle with yourself. You keep blaming yourself for the ended relationship, and you are not leaving room for him to own up to his role in this. Relationships are HARD and they require work on both ends. This was not your “fault”.
You seem like a wonderful person who just needs to love herself a bit more, and I am certain that you are worthy of the love that you desire, you are worth it. The self-love and sense of awareness is not so that you replace the love you deserve from a partner, but rather, for you to understand and truly believe that you deserve better, and to remove yourself from situations that do not agree with what you deserve.

I wish you much love and healing on your journey. I am on it too, and I am doing so much better, better than I could have imagined, and it is because of what I just told you.

I am going to share one of the best thoughts that have helped me:

“I wish i could show you that when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being” – Hafiz

TZ,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I promise if you are mindful and thoughtful about making yourself your top priority, and accepting better for yourself, you will get better. You are going to have to shift your mentality. You’re going to have to believe that you will heal from this and that you will find what you are seeking. It may not be this guy, but it will be someone who you know is worthwhile and makes you feel as special as you are. I was feeling absolutely terrible just a week ago. I was feeling so low that I wrote a thread on here and felt so embarrassed that I asked them to take it down because I couldn’t bear reading how low I felt. Instead, I decided I had to just purge all of this, purge this heartache, and let it out of my system. I’ve been reaching out now to friends, whom know me to be a very private person, and I’ve been honest and open about my situation. I have not been this honest and open in a long time. It has been very helpful and healing for me. I still have not had contact with the person I was involved with. And that is okay. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I a okay with that. I have accepted that I am moving on with my life. I have increased my prayer & meditation time. Meditation helps so much. I know it’s extremely difficult to believe that you’ll get over this hurdle, but it is possible! You just really have to push yourself through the pain. While I believe it is fine to wallow and feel your pain, it is also very unhealthy to stay there. You have to be proactive and trust yourself that you have the strength within you to heal and move forward. I am right there with you girl! You will get through this.

Wishing you lots of LIGHT, LOVE, & PEACE.

Keep us updated.

Namaste. <3

Katie,
I am so sorry you had to go through this.
Although you feel he got off easily, you need not worry about him anymore. Tell him to eff off and leave you alone. Whether he got left off the hook is not up to you, it’s up to him and his karma. I would move forward with life. It’s not always going to be fair, especially for us women, but just know that the only thing you have control over is yourself and how you allow others to treat you. Pay him no mind, for he has shown he is obviously not deserving of it. Keep your head up. You’ve been so strong and you’ve gone through so much. Be kind and gentle with yourself, by focusing on your own needs and not worried about others is such a great investment you can make on yourself. Also, if he is still cheating on his gf, he’ll eventually get caught… just be glad you aren’t his gf.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by MayraLuna.

LDR’s are extremely difficult. They’re great when you get to see that person, but when you part ways, and have to keep doing your thing, it takes a toll. I’ve been in 3 LDRs, the last of which I ended moving to the same city. It wont be easy, and you need to have a lot of trust and consistency to make things work. I don’t mean to be pessimistic at all, but like ALL relationships, they take work. Long distance just takes a lot more strength and patience. You can’t just fight and make up with the person and see them and hug it out, etc… When you fight in a LDR there’s this anxiety and frustration and you have to wait a while to have a face-to-face with that person. Sure, phone calls, Skype, text is helpful, but nothing can ever replace real human contact. Bottom line is it’s definitely possible, I just personally couldn’t handle it anymore.

@Katie, it sounds like those are not very good people to be around. You seem to have a balance and self-awareness that I would like some day, and it is probably that that brings out others’ insecurities. I mean, the fact that that guy called you a know-it-all, or whatever he said, says more about him than it does about you. Why would you want to surround yourself with people who don’t appreciate who you are and what you bring to the table. I would just block out the negativity and carry on. You did nothing wrong, you aren’t doing anything wrong, it is just a matter of not vibing well with those folks, and that is okay. We are meant to co-exist with other but that doesn’t mean we have to, nor does it mean you have to be forced to with those people. It would be different if it were family or in-laws or such. That guy just sounds like an insecure jerk.