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Mollie

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  • November 29, 2025 at 4:00 pm #452368
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you always for your support.

    I have reflected over the past few days, caught up on my sleep a little bit and feel a bit clearer coming to the forum.

    I believe that I conflate the idea of being ‘forced to be a lawyer’ with my parents’ frustration at my low moments because they see my potential to succeed – and they don’t like what my previous job did to me in terms of my confidence and charisma. I suppose when they see flashes of questioning in too much depth, they worry and try and keep me on track. And therein lies the feeling of feeling pushed or forced, but honestly the lawyer thing has been my idea.

    I heard something sad today that my friend’s dad took his own life. Often news like this can be clarifying in terms of perspective and I do feel lucky to have their unwavering support. It doesn’t mean that sometimes it can feel overwhelming, but I do feel very fortunate in terms of the love and support they can offer me.

    I am hoping you are well too. Sending peace and thanks 💚

    November 27, 2025 at 10:39 am #452287
    Mollie
    Participant

    Yes, I believe I was an anxious woman from a young age as much as that pains me to admit.

    Whilst I was confident and outspoken, there was a lot going on at home. My parents were worried about my brother, there were arguments at home, to the extent that I would develop tension in my tummy (what I now know to be anxiety).

    I just am tired of feeling lost, Anita. I’m tired of my brain going into overdrive when I am tired. I wish I could just hug my inner child and make her feel safe and that there was no rush. One thing about this course is that it’s jam-packed, full of classes and exams, with no breathing space. And I feel that with London too. And with OCD mindset, there is the B/W thinking. Which I am getting much better at exiting and embracing the grey and messiness of life.

    I suppose days like today, where you wake up and don’t feel like it, and don’t achieve what you hope to, don’t make us failures, but make us human. I don’t necessarily need to jeopardise the idea of being a lawyer. But I want it to come from my own heart. And, because I was achieving all the time and trying to achieve the best at school, my parents (as much as I love them) perpetuate the cycle of this is the profession for you, because it’s the best one and you are the best. as much as they say they’ll always support me, I don’t know whether it’s always true.

    Peace 💚

    November 27, 2025 at 6:13 am #452276
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you so much for checking in with me and for your response, and I am sorry for coming to this over a month late.

    I remember reading your reply as soon as I received it in my inbox and saying the Serenity Prayer before I went to bed. The next day, I had reassurance from him that he would never act on his thoughts, and that just sometimes they take him there. I then remember feeling stuck in a limbo between ‘I have to prioritise my studies and move on with my life but I can’t fully do that whilst lending him a helping hand’. Consequently, I sent him a message saying I’m glad to hear that, have a very happy birthday on Monday (it was his birthday at the time) and then I haven’t spoken to him since. I miss him and hope he is doing well.

    I am on week 11 of my studies and I’m finding it really tough, mentally and physically. I am trying hard to find gratitude and the joy in it – compared to what I was doing last year, it is much more intellectually stimulating and I have a lot more control over my life, whereas before, my entire existence was dependent on another person’s diary (I was a personal assistant). There are some days like today, where I feel overwhelmed by the tiredness and intensity of the course, which allows very limited time for relaxation and downtime, and in those times where I am resting, I feel so guilty for not studying. It’s a double-edged sword.

    I am lucky that I have the support of my family and especially my parents, but sometimes even they are overwhelming. They come and stay and I overthink and worry about food for them, ensuring the flat is clean etc, even though they tell me not to worry. They consistently tell me how well I’m doing, and I appreciate it, but I still struggle.

    My sleep is good for the most part, and I exercise 5 times a week. I eat well but I worry about my weight (as before, I was underweight and I lost my periods) and lack of movement as I spend a lot of time at my desk. I get up and move and walk when taking breaks.

    I’m writing this very tired from this course and I’m much more positive when I am well-rested. But Anita, I must admit, I feel a bit sorry for myself. It’s like I’ve gone from one type of difficult to another. I know the power of rest is so important and not to be underestimated, especially on days like today. But I can’t seem to get it at the moment, even though I’m trying really hard.

    There are only a few weeks until the Christmas break and I am hanging on until then. But then after, I have exams all throughout January – April.

    Sorry to vent Anita and for the negativity. But thank you for listening. Sending warmth and good thoughts. I hope you are keeping well.

    October 23, 2025 at 11:33 am #451185
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your message and I’m sorry to reappear on the forum in a time of need.

    That ex I’ve spoken about. We rekindled in the summer and had a lovely time but mutually decided it was best to end things at this stage in our lives. It was amicable and there were no hard feelings.

    There was a gift sent to me by him yesterday as he had alluded to sending me something and wanted to keep his promise. It was a lovely thoughtful gesture and I loved it. It opened up a dialogue where I thanked him and asked how he was doing and he said badly, and we called for 3 hours where he told me about two terrible misfortunes that he has been through in the past few months which have caused him to be depressed. He said some troubling things which have only truly sunk in with me a day after. I’m concerned for his wellbeing and his being on the other side of the world is not helping. I’ve told him to keep talking to me and sending messages.

    I’m facing two difficulties here. Firstly, a concern for his wellbeing. He doesn’t open up to others and I know will be facing a lot alone so I just want to know he’s alright. Again, someone can tell you they’re fine but not be fine you know? Secondly, I’m concerned for myself. I want to support him without being dragged into his problems and whilst maintaining the sort of ‘no contact’. It’s hard when someone you care about is suffering – I now know what my mother went through when watching me go through a breakup, you feel helpless. But I guess I want to Keep focus on my studies but keep the hand to him open.

    Ps if you see that one of the messages I sent to this forum is reported, it was by me by accident ! I’m so sorry!

    April 3, 2025 at 9:27 am #444600
    Mollie
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Hi Anita

    You are right – there is someone returning in June and the connection does hold weight for me. I think it’s a conversation that I do ponder often, especially in light of the fact he sent me flowers for my birthday and sends the occasional text. If I type it here, perhaps I can come back and reflect when the time does come.

    ‘My strong feelings towards you were real when you left in the summer. I really did have a lot of hope for us but perhaps I was hasty in my thinking that we for sure would be together. I told people, including my parents, that I thought we would end up together, which was not met well and was one of the reasons for my not coming to see you as they had not met you and you are 10 years my senior. Another reason was work commitments, but also, I felt that there was an imbalance in our commitment to one another, and I have already experienced an entire relationship where I sacrificed myself and my own life to not receive the same in return. In the end I’m so glad I didn’t come, as I know I would have returned feeling very content and ‘loved up’ in the short term, which would likely have impaired on my ability to think clearly and rationally and address what was going on [the job stuff that I have alluded to].
    These past few months have been really tough and I know that I need someone who I can offload to, and when life gets overwhelming, I know I need someone who I can just pick up the phone and speak to or even have that person at arm’s length, which is slightly impossible given that you’re moving away again.
    There is still so much that I have yet to learn about you, and I would love for you to open your heart and mind to the prospect of us taking things slowly whilst we learn more about one another, with no expectation that we end up together, but if we do then wonderful. I am saying this for myself as much as I am for you.’

    I know that he will be receptive to what I’m saying, given that before he left, he basically said ‘it’s really hard to pour into one another when we live so far apart’. I think I really can’t wait to see him, catch him up on my life, hear about his, and also tell him a few home truths (as I attributed my not coming to work only, not the other stuff. I did end up stopping contact based on the fact that I felt lost and needed to take something off my plate. Given that our connection took up a lot of my mental space, I freed it up to focus on my job and rebuilding my connection with my family.

    You’re absolutely right to say that even the most emotionally thriving amongst us experience the more ‘awkward’ emotions like stress, boredom, sadness, anger, fear, disappointment. It all ties in with the ‘grey’ area and I must remind myself of this when I am having an off day. It just feels that there are more off days than not, or that it’s a major setback when I have an ‘off day’ on my emotional journey.

    I feel very blessed to have come across TinyBuddha in 2021/2022 as it enabled me to meet you Anita. Thank you. I am also sorry to hear of your unpredictable, volatile and sometimes frightening childhood, and what you are doing, in using your story to help others, is truly wonderful.

    April 2, 2025 at 8:30 am #444571
    Mollie
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Alessa,

    Thank you both for your compassionate and thoughtful responses. I really do appreciate it so much!

    Anita – black-or-white thinking is exactly how my brain has been engineered, and it, combined with perfectionism, is probably my biggest struggle. I have days filled with hope and others, like today, where I am bored and struggle to get through the day. And then I don’t know how I can unwind or feel fulfilled after a day like this – do I see friends/read/watch a film? It’s like my capacity to make decisions is impaired by this job. That said, come July 2025 when I leave, I don’t want to believe that all my problems (of which there are few, as like I said, I have good health, a happy family and a home with food in the fridge) will dissipate. For example, I struggle with grey weather, and now the sun is shining in the city, and today I am just feeling…unfulfilled. So was it the weather at all? I think I am in need of a break perhaps? I just want to restore my hope and find my purpose, which I think has been significantly impaired by my job, as it can be characterised as being stressful and boring on most days. I think that when working in an environment like this since November, it naturally will take its toll. What do you think? I have always been an optimist, glass-half-full, confident person, and I don’t like feeling like this!

    Alessa – thank you for your response. I do think that I have ‘survived’ the past few years and struggled through them, as opposed to being in school where I loved every day (although I’m sure there are days where I struggled, but it wasn’t to the same degree). I do like to plan and have things to look forward to, but as I mentioned to Anita, my decision-making feels off at the moment, and I’ve lost a level of satisfaction in what I tend to plan. Indeed, things have massively improved with my family as a result of my decision to no longer speak to this guy, although he returns in June and I will see him. He didn’t do anything wrong per se but I am pondering what to say to him when he returns.

    I know I have made progress over the past few months, and I guess what I am looking for is some level of reassurance that, I won’t necessarily ‘go back’ to how I felt in the summer, but find joy consistently again, as opposed to having moods or feelings that change on a regular basis (which I know is normal given the complexity of humans, but it’s unlike me as I am a rather happy-go-lucky, positive, half-glass-full girl). I’m hoping that I can attribute a lot of my feelings and ‘messy’ headspace to this job.

    March 28, 2025 at 1:33 pm #444469
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hi Roberta and Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I just wanted to ask a few things:

    Anita, you mention that you see similar patterns of overthinking, self-doubt, and a desire for clarity. Could you kindly parallel these to my current post? In the same vein, could you outline how you think I have come so far since those posts? Sometimes you cannot see such things clearly from your own perspective.

    Thank you.

    May 19, 2022 at 3:09 pm #400714
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hello Friends,

    I hope you are all doing well.

    I posted in this forum about 7 months ago to do with HOCD (with some ROCD tendencies too) and I just wished to provide an “update”, on how I am doing but more on techniques which I have used that have helped me free myself from my thoughts and not feel like a prisoner to my own mind. I hope it may help someone.

    Firstly, I think that my past experiences and poor decision-making regarding love impacted my obsessive thoughts hugely (aka past trauma). I questioned all aspects of my current relationship and this quickly gave rise to the endless “obsessive thoughts” (update- my boyfriend and I are still together almost 10 months later). Until recently, I realised that these thoughts were a form of defence mechanism: by convincing myself that there was something wrong and questioning my relationship over and over, my brain was “protecting me” from any future disappointment, which I would “inevitably” go through given that all my past relationships had been sour ones, so why wouldn’t this one be? This was just not true and I guess what I’m saying is: acknowledge your past, but just because past experiences have been bad does not mean that the current one will be too, so try not to “self-sabotage”.

    Secondly, what has really helped me is changing my perspective on ROCD. Reading the “AwakenintoLove” blogs has really helped me to do this, and I encourage you to also take a moment to read one or two of them too. The blog writer really encourages you to trust yourself and your decisions, find love within yourself and use the opportunity that when you feel overwhelmed with thoughts, to pause and take a moment to breathe.

    Thirdly, practising gratitude has helped me. I didn’t really get how it would help at first and it took time, but it makes you appreciate everything you have, rather than focus on anything you don’t have. As Oprah says ‘Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more; if you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never have enough”. To help you do this, maybe take time each day to listen to a guided meditation (Insight Timer is a wonderful resource for this) even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

    Finally, see time as your friend, not your enemy. I truly know the urge of needing to know what the future holds right this second, but get comfortable in the now and appreciate every second; this is another way to find self-love and appreciation.

    By no means is my ROCD/HOCD fully behind me. Some days are better than others, of course, but day by day I feel mentally stronger and able to overcome my obsessive thoughts. When you feel like you are not in control of your own mind, it can be terrifying (for me, at least). So, thinking about some of these things can help, and has helped me. (I am not a licensed therapist or trained in any way – just someone who is finding ways to help others).

    Wishing you peace and love.

     

     

     

    November 1, 2021 at 1:05 pm #388063
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hello Anita, thank you for your response.In answer to your questions:

      1. You are right – I am not against therapy, but I am not for it either. I’m unsure why in all honesty. Perhaps a therapist will diagnose me with something I have never been aware of and will scare me.
      2. I have read your replies to others and found them very useful and it is amazing how you have helped others. I hope you don’t think I have ignored your previous advice. I guess what I was hoping for was a response tailored to my scenario to put my mind at ease i.e whether you think that my case is a matter of obsessing, whether my obsessions are not healthy etc (which was previously mentioned in some replies), and generally what you think about my scenario, whether it is something to be worried about.
      3. I came onto the forum and typed everything I felt, which made me feel better. Ultimately I wanted someone independent from my life who could give me some advice about what I am feeling.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Mollie.
    November 1, 2021 at 11:27 am #388051
    Mollie
    Participant

    Hi,

    I hope this message finds you well. Please bear with me as it is quite long!

    Disclaimer: I have nothing against the LGBTQ+ community, nor am I homophobic in any shape or form.

    Like many of the replies to this forum, I am facing this ‘sudden’ feeling of being lesbian or bisexual, after 19 years of being solely completely emotionally, sexually and romantically into men. I felt this around a month and a half ago, and I cannot seem to shake it out of my head. I must admit that I have a tendency to go through ‘obsessive’ phases that manifest themselves in different ways, for example an obsession with the gym and getting in shape, an obsession to acquire a particular ‘style’, and, before reading this forum, I did not consider I may have OCD (I do love things to be immaculately clean), but now I am starting to think otherwise.

    Going back to the sexuality questioning, I started to really panic about these intrusive thoughts and would read forum upon forum and take sexuality tests to assure myself I was straight. When I would see ‘coming out at age 20/25/30 forums’, or self-discovery articles about those who never knew they were lesbian until a later age, I would be mortified and immediately think this is what would happen to me.

    To add, I am in a loving, healthy relationship with my boyfriend, who knows what I am currently going through, and has been nothing but supportive and kind. I fear that if I keep talking about these thoughts with him, this might jeapordise our relationship as it might indicate to him that I am into women (which I believe I am not). Nevertheless, I hide nothing from him, so if needs be I will continue to speak about this with him.

    I then found this forum and felt able to relate to so much, so thank you everyone for coming on here and expressing your truths. I even showed my boyfriend some of the replies which helped me explain to him what I was going through. I noted that one of the replies had a mantra, which was ‘you are the thinker of your thoughts, but they do not control you’, or something to that effect. Initially, I found this so useful and continue to repeat this to myself on multiple occasions. However, now, (and I think this might be an obsessive thought), that this mantra is becoming meaningless to me and because of this, I think that I have just accepted that I may be into women too (but i am not into women and don’t really feel happy accepting this..)

    Now, and this is unhealthy to think about, but whenever I see a woman, whether I find her attractive or not, I imagine myself doing sexual things with her as a test to see whether I am bi/lesbian or not. If I can, I immediately panic and think oh my gosh, I’m definitely bi/lesbian. And then I think, if I can imagine myself on an emotional level with a girl, and if I can, I again become mortified. But can I actually imagine a woman sexually/romantically? Or is my brain trying to trick me?

    I understand that one does not need to label their sexuality, but I do not think I identify as anything other than straight. Sure, I have shared kisses as a joke with girls during my teenage years, but I did not even consider myself to be bi or lesbian. Now I reflect on these experiences and panic and think thoughts such as ‘you have been into girls all along and you did not know it’.

    As you can figure, I am extremely troubled by these intrusive thoughts. I worry about myself as a lesbian or bisexual, not because of family issues (although my brother is quite traditional), but because it is not who I am deep down. I have always imagined myself married to a man, having children with a man etc. and never with a woman. But now, my thoughts feel like they are controlling me and that I have accepted that I may be gay or bi and I am ‘on board’ with the idea of me being in a lesbian relationship. (It doesn’t help that I am currently studying a topic of surrogacy, a means of parenthood frequently used by lesbian couples).

    I hope to overcome these sexuality thoughts and move on from them so that they go away forever,  and not just these thoughts but future sudden, intrusive thoughts. I read that someone used to have OCD but was able to move on and no longer suffers from it, which was reassuring.

    I know one might suggest medical help from a therapist or something like that. I am not against this, but I would prefer to try and work this out myself with the help of this forum initially.

    Many thanks for taking the time to read this.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Mollie.
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