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Miss Midnight

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  • in reply to: Husband is in love with someone else. #219003
    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Hi, Twee: Sounds like your husband’s having a mid life crisis.  He wants to be young again (Don’t we all?) and not only that, he’s confusing ‘in-love’ with real love. He wants all the excitement  and windswept romance of being young and in love. (Don’t we all?!) This is sometimes erroneously known as male menopause, but it’s a handy term. Two of my cousins went through this – your story and theirs is exactly the same. One cousin’s husband, at 45, broke up his marriage and family for a 17 year old schoolgirl (literally, she was still in school uniform) and guess what, he couldn’t even begin to keep up with all that teen energy.  He came crawling back to a closed door. The other cousin’s husband left her for someone his own age – his ‘soul-mate’ (Gods, that is the most over-used expression today, and totally meaningless) – he had a rip-roaring time for three months, then his town bike – er, soul mate found several other soul mates and he was O.U.T  – out! He also crawled back to a closed door, in the middle of winter, in the middle of the night, and sick as a dog with the flu. Melodramatic sounding, but true! My cousin told him to go and find a motel, plenty of them about…If you want to save your marriage, let him go. A paradox, but your other option is trying to make him stay and that’s going to be a bloody experience.  Let him go and let him find out about love.  Then you decide if you want him back in 3 or 6 months time when he’s had enough of his soul-mate.  You may find that you don’t want or need him back. It IS hard to start over again when you’ve been with someone for half your life – but it’s not impossible. Good luck.

    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Hi, there, Hey Its Jess:  Good for you! You’re making a start and I bet you did feel like you won the Olympics or similar.  You keep on winning, the gold medal is yours for the taking. Glad to hear you’re reading something that’ll be helpful. Try anything by Louise Hay, too. Give the website a miss, though, since this wonderful lady crossed the Bridge whoever’s running it is seriously about money, money, money and how much can they get out of you by bombarding you with email adverts.  Her books are readily available in bookstores and in bookseller forums on line- I’ve even seen them in Big W here in Australia, which is saying something! Keep it up and hop in here any time you feel you need a boost. Looks like you’ve got a few friends all wishing you well here.  Good luck.

    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Hi, Hey Its Jess: Your family sounds like it comes from a somewhat repressive cultural/religious background.  Or they are living in a completely different time zone to the rest of the western world.  ‘Conventional’ views of marriage? Blimey, different cultures and nations have different views of marriage and they all think they’re ‘conventional’ and ‘proper’ and everyone else is wrong, so where do you stop??? Your dreams sound terrific – animation illustration and an event planner business and there’s no reason why these two ambitions shouldn’t meet and mix on the right occasion.  So you go for it.  As for all this other business about ‘proper’ and ‘normal’ – well, ‘normal’ is a cycle on your washing machine.  And that’s the only normal there is. No reason why a guy shouldn’t fit in if he wants to work with you and has the same interests. Anita’s on track when she writes of the part of you that is hurt and angry and which wants  attention and respect.  You aren’t going to get respect and approval for your family at this point so just make your mind up to it and stop looking for it.  So give it to yourself.  24/7, approve of yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, your behaviour.  If a part of pipes up and says ‘You shouldn’t have got angry and said that,’ you tell it, ‘I could’ve reacted differently and next time I will.’ then replay the scene with a different reaction so you WILL do it differently next time.  It takes some effort, but it can be done.  Always use the word ‘could’ – ‘should’ is a spiritual swear word. Good luck.

    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Hi, Hey It’s Jess:  Like Anita, an example or two would be helpful. Other than that, I’m with Inky.  People who put down your ambitions are always coming from jealousy, envy and fear. You being successful and doing what YOU want IS their worst fear, because they didn’t get what they wanted or failed to go after it.  They want you to be on their level, because if you succeed, they’ll perceive you as ‘better’ than they are.  Their perceptions are not your problem. It’s bloody hard not to react or defend, have been there and done that. First of all, get some rest – over-tiredness never did anyone any good when you have a work load.  Rest and sleep will help you tackle the work load and the tough work days and you’ll feel better.  Keep saying ‘So What?’ Feel sorry for these people if you can, because they seem to be so very insecure. Realising where they’re coming from, and I mean REALLY realising –  will help you react in a positive way rather than a negative.  When they start putting down your goals and ambitions, go for a ten minute walk if the situation allows – you won’t be shouting and rageful at them, you won’t be there to say anything you may regret, therefore you’ll have no guilt later on about losing your temper. You’ll get those feel-goods endorphins (?) going and get a few minutes exercise too.  Or smile and say “Well, I’ve got nothing new to say about this situation and neither do you. I’ve got things I need to be doing. Have a nice day. ”  Then go and DO THINGS that will assist your forward progress instead of wasting all that energy on defence and anger. Work out that anger in the ten minute walk or shut yourself in the car and have a good shout for a few minutes.  Bottling up the anger is not healthy either. Just express it differently.  They’re never going to see your point of view because they don’t want to and you can’t make them. Accept it and get on with whatever it is you want to do.  Good luck.

    in reply to: Sister-in-law Problems #212635
    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Hi, Sherly:  This girl is 21 and needs a boot up her bottom – she’s worse than a teenager! I don’t believe your parents-in-law to be agreeing with her but she is their daughter, and they seem to feel they need to make excuses for her.  Not a healthy situation, as one day she’s going to learn that the wider world does not accept tantrum-throwing, rudeness and obvious displays of disrespect.  However, that’s her problem and her parents’ problem, not yours.  It is your wedding day, not your parents’, not your future parents-in-laws’ and certainly not this brat’s day.  Stand up and say no, she may not be a bridesmaid as she behaves too immaturely and you refuse to have a bridesmaid in the wedding party who refuses to even speak to you. Ask your MIL if she would have included such a person in her wedding party. Be firm; be polite. You probably will be the first person in this over-privileged brat’s life to put her in her place, and if she doesn’t like it, then as Inky has suggested, be okay with it.  There will be uproar – be okay with that too and stand firm.  Do you want the most special day of your life to be made miserable by this horrid little girl?  She is nothing to be scared of; she sounds like an out and out little bully who trades on people being scared of her behaviour so she’ll get what she wants.  Just see her for what she really is – a tantrum-throwing, squalling little brat. As Decima has suggested, have a heart to heart with your fiance about it; if you let this horrible child have her own way, your marriage will suffer later.  It sounds as if he’s scared of her too as he doesn’t want to directly confront her, but filters it through his mother and if he’s not supportive over this, will  he be supportive in other crises? Dos this mean that ANYONE can be rude to you while he urges you to ‘forget it’? I know whereof I speak, as after a year of living together, my husband’s sisters and mother began a campaign to get me out of the family and were bloody nasty and bitchy about it too. I put up with it and took it with a smile to keep the peace, which was a major mistake.  My husband made excuses for them and this caused arguments between us, but the day came when there was a serious uproar and he said to me, “Don’t worry, they’ll get used to the fact we’re together.”  I pointed out they’d had 17 years to get used to it and if the weren’t used to us being together by now, then they never would be. I would not attend any more family gatherings.  He could go if he wanted; they were his family and didn’t have to be mine, although I would’ve liked us all to get along. His mother and sisters were determined to make this impossible.  He did the last thing they expected – he turned his back on them.  And years later, we’re still together.  Don’t go through this.  Tell your fiance that this  brat behaves herself and shows some respect or stays out of your life. And don’t take her behavior personally – I believe she’d do the same to anyone in her brother’s life.  Good luck – and if all else fails, elope.

    in reply to: Me vs his ex, is his behavior a red flag? #209425
    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Given the difference in their ages, this man practically married ‘Mum’ and it’s not healthy.  The things you say he’s doing are things a son might do for Mum – helping out when the car’s broken down, when Mum could just as easily call someone else.  But she knows he’ll come running – he wants ‘Mum’s’ approval.  You don’t say how long they’ve been divorced, and at least they can get along afterwards, it’s better than them screaming at each other! But it’s not a healthy relationship and it never was.  No-one’s going to get first place in this man’s heart now he’s 46 and still clinging to his mother figure. This is not down to her – it’s up to him to say ‘No’ to her and start letting go.  If he won’t – he won’t, and it doesn’t sound as if he’s going to start soon as you seem to have had this conversation with him already.  Don’t force him to make a choice – you WILL lose. You’re thirty – that’s nothing!  Plenty of fish in the sea.  Walk away. Tell him when he’s ready to let go of ‘Mum’ then he can get in touch. Speak and act maturely.   But don’t be surprised if you never hear from him again. At best he’ll drag it out and you’re hanging around waiting for him to make his mind up.  You can’t control his life and emotions but you can take control of your life.  Remember that any man you meet now in your age group will have some emotional baggage.  Here’s hoping it’s not as much baggage as your current bf is carrying.  He still has feelings for her, but not the sort you think. I believe he knows there’s something wrong, as he takes these phone calls in private. But he doesn’t want to face it.  Good luck.

     

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)