Hi Steve,

I like nextsteps’ suggestions.  I was also thinking that maybe you could write a list of any and all things that you enjoy (keep adding to it whenever you think of something) and try to do one or more of those things each day.

I know it’s really not easy, though, to find anything at all that you like when you are very depressed.  I have stretches of days or weeks when I get like that – when I say that I “hate everything” and I feel like I can’t enjoy anything – favorite shows, activities, people, or anything.  It’s when all of the things that you would normally like just seem to suck.  But still, try to see if there’s anything that you could look forward to doing, like making art.  I mean, my paintings and drawings aren’t great, but I love doing them anyway.

I know you said you don’t see any way that your situation can change, but it’s not true.  It might feel that way to you, in your present mental state, but it can change.

I’m also socially anxious, and stick to only a couple of family members and my husband most of the time, but even being around family drains me so much sometimes because I get hyper and nervous, so please understand that my suggestions aren’t being made by someone outgoing and confident.

More things I can think of that might help:

List any shows that you even can slightly enjoy and try to watch some.

Do exercise, because it can really help you feel better, over time.  Walking, lifting some weights, doing YouTube aerobics videos, etc.  Check with your doctor first, they say.  Or just keep it mild enough to be safe, for now.

If you think you don’t consume or get (from sunlight) enough D, take a supplement.  Disclaimer – check with your doctor to see if you need it, but I know I was extremely deficient (almost record-setting low, my doctor said), and it’s helping me to feel better.  Also, you might need magnesium.  Many people do.

Eat more vegetables, and just eat better, as best you can.  Over time, that reduces your inflammation, and can help with depression.

List any hobbies to try.  Anything you can accomplish or do can make you feel better.

Consider writing a book about your experiences, to help others.  Even if you don’t turn it into an actual book, you might feel better getting some of it out.

Try to do short outings with anyone you like, or even by yourself.  Like, go to a museum or art museum, or get out in nature (being near moving water can help – the negative ions help you feel better).

You can get comfortable being on your own and being around strangers, even just a little bit.  Try to smile at friendly-looking people, or even comment about something, if you feel like it.  If you get out and do things you like, and learn to love yourself more and enjoy your life as it is, then eventually you could be comfortable enough and might meet someone when you are out there living your life.  You certainly can’t meet anyone at home, nor can you meet anyone when you are feeling so down.  Don’t expect to find love in your current state – just work at feeling better first.

Also, try to avoid social media and the unrealistic (and fake) lives that it portrays.  People’s lives aren’t as happy and perfect as they want you to believe.  So, while you feel like other people are all in relationships, they aren’t really all as great as you might think.

Anyway, these are just suggestions.  If you like any of them, you can make a plan for yourself.  Oh, also visualize yourself feeling better.  Close your eyes, counteract any negative thoughts with words and images.  It can help.

Another thing I do is print some positive graphics from Buddha Doodles or anywhere online and also from this site we are on:

https://tinybuddha.com/category/fun-and-inspiring/

and put them up around the house so I can see them and be inspired.  Or if you don’t have a printer, just write down the words and draw your own simple pictures to go with them.  That in itself can be therapeutic (art therapy).

I know when you are severely depressed, anything can sound too hard or can sound like it won’t work, but just try a little bit at a time (like 5 minutes of exercise), and you maybe can gradually feel a bit better, then better and better.

Also, if things ever get even more serious, seek help.  Don’t ever give up!

Mimi

Mark and Inky,

You made very good points on how to execute the push-back.  Excellent!

Mimi

p.s.

Also, it’s really good that you are being sensible, and not jumping into a marriage just for the sake of being married.  Many people do that, and regret it later.  You are wanting to be your best self, and find the best person for you, and that is REALLY, REALLY the most important thing, if you want to have a happy life.  You are completely right about that.

Rare Amulet,

When I saw your name, I thought of one of my favorite Buddha Doodles drawings.  It’s on this page:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/adorable-illustrations-to-inspire-the-zen-warrior-inside_us_568e9a56e4b0cad15e63bac7

Look for the one that talks about a magical jewel inside us.  You are a rare amulet that contains a magical jewel.

Now, back to your question.

One thing would be to spend some time studying so that you feel more competent.  Just a little bit each day, and eventually you will feel more secure.

Also, do breathing and visualization each day and picture yourself being comfortable, happy, confident, and secure doing your work.  A lot of it is probably in your mind, just thinking that you don’t know enough, when really you know more than you think you do.

I have anxiety and depression, too.  Some things that can help are vitamin D (if you are actually deficient), magnesium, omega 3s, and exercise.  Aerobic exercise can help burn off stress and can lift your mood, over time, and strength training has been shown to help women feel more confident (I don’t know why, but studies say it’s true).

That’s all I can think of for now.  I hope it helps.

Mimi

Alexa,

I read most of your post and some of the replies.  What I didn’t see was anyone saying that five 16 oz. beers plus 5 shots of hard liquor is quite a lot of alcohol.

I’m not judging you, but I do want you to be aware of what you are doing.  Many people with anxiety, depression, and other problems do tend to turn toward alcohol, when they should run as far away from it (and drugs) as possible.

Of course getting black out drunk is very dangerous in this day and age, with all of the bad people you could come in contact with.  I know you didn’t mean to get that way, but sometimes people just want to escape their problems so much that they do that.  Even small amounts of alcohol can also contribute to the worsening of your anxiety, depression, and other problems.

I know a  lot of people think, “Well, everyone drinks,” and things like that, but my husband has never touched drugs or alcohol (during decades of being an adult, and even as a teenager) and he’s the coolest, most amazing person that I know.

Just something to keep in mind.  Whatever your problem, alcohol (or drugs) will only make things worse, in the long run.

A mother who hurts you emotionally is usually someone you will want to distance yourself from, over time.  I didn’t see anything bad about your boyfriend in what you wrote, unless I missed it.  That doesn’t mean to rush into things with him, but if he’s good to you and so is his family, it’s certainly not a relationship to break off just because of what someone else (your mother) says.

Just stay in touch with your own feelings and what you want from life, take things slowly, and start standing your ground with your mother.  My mom used to be super-critical, but now she is wonderful.  I had to stand up to her, cut off contact a few times, and eventually she got it.  Not all parents can change like that.  I was lucky that she wanted to change.  It can happen, though.

I’m sorry if this reply is sort of unclear.  I’m very low on sleep and shouldn’t be writing right now, but I wanted to see if I could help, even if just a little bit.

Good luck with everything.  Take care of YOU first.  Be true to what you want and need in life.

Mimi