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Marlena

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  • June 2, 2019 at 8:54 am #297017
    Marlena
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    I think best bet then is to remind yourself that it is about her, not you.  And how sad for her that she needs to do that.  I imagine she is wrecking a bunch of her relationships.

    (It might help to write this on a piece of paper you keep with you that you can pull out to remind yourself on those days when it is real bad).

     

     

    June 1, 2019 at 9:02 pm #296943
    Marlena
    Participant

    It sound like you are struggling with “shoulds.”  You feel like you “should” be able to figure everything out on your own.  In your original post you stated you need advice on even the smallest things but then when you gave examples later, all of those things were pretty big.

    In fact, they were things that most people would ask for advice on or talk out with someone.

    Sounds to me like it would be helpful for you to ask for advice more often and then pay attention to how your friends actually react rather than how you worry they will react.  You’re telling yourself a mean story about yourself.  It is very possible that your friends feel good about you asking for their advice.  People like to be useful 🙂

     

    June 1, 2019 at 9:01 pm #296937
    Marlena
    Participant

    You could also seek something more fulfilling outside of work.

    Work really can be about just paying the bills, it doesn’t have to be a super mission based thing.

    Even when you do have a job you are “passionate” about, that doesn’t mean it will always be fulfilling.  I love my job but there are days when I feel very frustrated, down, and negative.  It might be helpful to think of why you started that job in the first place and what contribution your role plays in the overall organization, etc.

    Mark also gave good advice.  Talk to your manager about getting some more challenging duties.  As a manager I have very much appreciated it when people told me they needed something more to do! 🙂

    June 1, 2019 at 9:01 pm #296933
    Marlena
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I’m glad you are starting to see the issue as your cousin’s issue instead of your own.  When it comes down to it, it is pretty weird that she is focused on your nose.  She has very poor boundaries and is not thinking about your feelings at all.  Most people know that it is not ok to hyper-focus on and point out someone’s flaws all the time.

    People usually have a hard time with it actually!  When people ask for feedback about something, it can be hard to give real feedback if it may be perceived as negative.  A friend was once a maid of honor in someone’s wedding and the bride was super excited about her table decorations, which my friend thought were ugly as heck.  Well, when asked, my friend did not say “those are ugly as heck.”  That would not have been useful at all.

    Your cousin’s issue with your nose is about her, not you.  Whether it is jealousy, or a need to be mean…whatever it is…it is about her.  Have you told her that talking about your nose is off limits?  Maybe you should make that a rule in your relationship.  If she wants to spend time with you, she is not allowed to talk about your nose (or send you nose pictures or stare at your nose or anything like that).

    If she continues to do it, then she may not be someone you want to continue to spend any time with.  When people violate boundaries like this it never feels good…

    Marlena

     

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