Hello Holly,

I would consider reading up on codependency like Pia Mellody’s books or go to a support group like Al Anon. It is hard to watch low functioning and hurting people get themselves into situations and for me it’s taken a lot of healthy boundaries to not get sucked into madness and unreasonability. I don’t think that there are any black and white answers from what you shared, but I hope you find those suggestions helpful.

Oskari,

I did not mean to anger you by what I said. I apologize if it came off as insensitive. I can only tell you what time has taught me. I can’t guarantee that the past could have been different or that your future will be bright. I needed years to get clarity and closure for my situation. I wish I was omniscent and objective at all times, unfortunately with the human experience sometimes things only started to make sense to me with time.

Concerning your post, I am not saying to be grateful for the pain you’ve experienced for the sake of suffering. I’ve learned that it’s more logical to find something good about the situation not becasue it’s spiritual, but becuase it’s what’s in front of you and what you know for sure. That’s your Given. To wish that things were different, when they are not, is not going to change anything. It just delays whatever progress I could have been making. I’m sure that for everyone on this forum who has gleaned something from the situaiton, there is someone out there who went through the same thing who is resigned and bitter. Everyone goes through heartache and loss, but how you deal with it is what makes you different.

There is a quote, “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.” Meaning, you can put your hand on the stove and burn yourself, and the pain is real and warranted. How many times you relive that moment and envision it in detail is up to you. You sound beyond heartbroken and I’m not saying you *should* be over it already. I’ve come to appreciate moving on and letting go as coping skills that I try to utilize as soon as possibe becuase I learned the hard way that reliving things over and over and imagining what should have happened, how I didn’t deserve it, and what my ex was up to wasn’t getting me anywhere. I just started to become a depressed and angry shell of a person and I was hard to be around. After a year of everything eating me up, my mom died. I spent the last year of her life telling her how awful my ex and so called friends were. Did I *deserve* to be treated so badly? No. Was it warranted how furious I was? Yes. I was completely justified, but it was still a waste of time.

What I learned is that people do things because they are human. We are inherently selfish, weak, illogical, hurting creatures who are trying to learn things and sometimes there are casualties. No one is going to get it right all the time. My best defense isn’t closing off to all life because someone special to me is human, nor is it hurting others, but to learn how to understand that sometimes people change or people make mistakes and learn how to heal my heart anyway. The only person you can control is you. That’s it. Everyone else is a wild card with no guarantees of how long they will stay or what lessons they might need to learn.

Concerning people being valuable and special, people can be that and that doesn’t mean that they have to stay in your life forever. They’re not mutually exclusive. You had five wonderful years. Some people never get experience a love like that at all, let alone for five years. I understand that you are talking about “The One.” I can’t speak on whether that exists or not, but what I can tell you is that in my belief system, I believe that if someone cheats on me that they can’t possibly be The One. The One for me would never dream of hurting me like that, no matter what other flaws they might have. Any “failed” relationship merely gives me more distinctions of what I waant and need in my next relationship. Sometimes it was hard for me to believe that my judge of character was so off, or hard to believe how much a person could change, or believe what a person is capable of when they are in complicated situations or stressed, but learning to see those distinctions things make me pick better partners now.

Sassypants, I think your hestiation and doubts seem understandable considering your cirumstances. In my experience, I tend to be very skittish when I get out of toixc relationships. It took me a while to trust my feelings and motives again after an experience like that. I can also relate that you weren’t prepared for the new relationship to be going so fast so quickly.

Perhaps you need to give it time or perhaps he’s not right for you right now, but either way you sound like you are on the right track. How soon after the six year relationship did you get involved with the new guy?

Oskari,

I just read your entire thread and I’m so glad that I did. I just want to offer some of my experiences and possibly some hope.

First of all, a book I enjoyed immensely is Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon. The premise is that you don’t have to understand the reason behind things to make changes or be different. For example, let’s say that I eat compulsively. I can spend thousands at a therapist and figure out that my mom fed me junk food, that I was molested, or that I was just born with a sweet tooth. No matter what the cause, eating junk food and watching a ton of tv still aren’t helping me regardless of what the reason is. In the same way, I learned that I don’t need to know the reasons behind a break up in order to get over it. I had a fiance who cheated on me while I was on a business trip for a month and the night before I got back, I found out through an acquaintance on facebook. When I came back, I barely said anything to him because it doesn’t matter if he did it becasue he was lonely, because we were going through a rough time, becasue he was drunk, it makes no difference what the reasoning is, the way it was handled wasn’t right. He was a coward, could barely look at me and never apologized or explain himself to me. Your worth is not determined by how other people treat you. A baby can shit on a hundred dollar bill…that doesn’t mean that the bill isn’t worth a hundred dollars, it means that the baby doesn’t know it’s worth.

Another thought to consider…let’s say that you are filled with hatred and bitterness. I can relate to your intense feelings, so I will share my experience with that. I couldn’t wait for the day for my ex to get an STD or for the new girl to get dumped and/or cheated on. It wasn’t me at my best, but those were my only thoughts that made me feel satisfied and like justice was being served. Now let’s say that it doesn’t happen for six months, or a year, or five years. Do you really want to put all your happiness on hold until something bad happens to them? Do you really want to wait years and one day say to yourself, “Ah, she finally realized that she made a mistake in cheating on me and breaking up with me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. NOW I can live life and go back to enjoying whatever is out there.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean what the other person did was okay, it just means that you accept that you can’t change the past. That’s it. You can’t control how it happened, how unfair it is, or when she will realize her lessons. The only thing you can control is you. As far as controlling your thoughts, a thought can come into your head, but that doesn’t mean that you have to entertain it or obsess on it. If you are riddled with negative thoughts, I would recommend immersing yourself in anything and everything positive. Use your imagination is for the better, not worse. Otherwise you are just tormenting yourself with thoughts which might not even be ture! Which brings me to other ideas…

Pretend that you have amnesia. Ask yourself if you knew nothing about your past and your objective was to make a lot of progress each day, what would you be doing? What makes you intrinsically happy? How would you stay productive?

Learning how to cope with heart wrenching and injustice is an excellent skill. There is nothing new under the sun, so no matter what you are feeling, someone out there has felt it too. Stay productive, journal, be grateful for what you have while you still have it, work out a ton and immerse yourself in positive things.

Another creative exercise is to pretend you are an author and write your story. If everything in your life was happening on purpose and was being strategically written to help the protagonist, why would someone choose your situation? To become a turn around expert? To learn how to be unstoppable? To recognize and appreciate people with character and empathy? I also met someone who seemed spectacular in looks and intelligence…I later learned that he was a sociopath. I didn’t realize it until after we broke up. I read The Sociopath Next Door and now I realize that character and empathy are MUSTS which I take for granted in most people.

I hope that you keep posting. I wish you clarity and insight. Take care of yourself.

Hello Helen 🙂

From what you wrote, you sound like a person who has intense anxiety at times who is still learning how to handle it and as well as how to communicate your needs when it happens, and he sounds like a well meaning soul who wants to do the right thing and isn’t sure what that looks like. If he breaks up with you, it doesn’t mean that you are unloveable or that he is bad. In what you wrote I hear a lot of well meaning intentions that didn’t end in connection for either of you.

Here’s how it comes across to me in my humble opinion:

1. You ignored your needs and intuition. Treat your needs with a special sensitivity and importance. You wouldnt ignore a baby would you? It sounded like you need extra tlc early on. It sounds like if you put it off, it doesn’t serve you. This is a way to start managing your anxiety before it escalates.

2. It sounds like when you are triggered, it is hard for you to communicate your needs without a lot of self judgement. Perhaps it’s okay if your boyfriend sees you are needy at times and he accepts you as/is. I know for me my thinking becomes distorted if I am feeling something intense and it’s hard to communicate rationally. I’ve learned that I need to express my needs without putting myself down or blaming, and listen without being defensive.

3. Learn different copinug mechanisms to see what can help with your anxiety on your own. Sometimes people have lousy excuses, sometimes life is complicated, and sometimes good people have no idea how to help you. Take them out of the equation and learn what your needs are and how to best handle them. Maybe you needed a Plan B of what to do if you get triggered, maybe He needs a Plan B too that he knows you are okay with, maybe it’s best you don’t make last minute plans unless they are under $20.00. Eitther way, observe yourself objectively as if you were looking at a stranger and see what work and what doesn’t work.

4. Insist that you both mean what you say and don’t say it mean. If I were him I wouldn’t know if staying was the right thing to do or not. Perhaps he was saying all the right things but his body language told a different story. Perhaps you were overly sensitive and reading into things. Either way, it sounds like you are both learning how to read and handle each other. This is just a lesson on how to relate. If he breaks up wiht you, then maybe you need someone who is more patient, more honest, less passive agressive, or more willing to talk things out. Maybe the lesson is to learn how to manage your anxiety differently so someone can know how to relate to you. If you are honest with yourself (be as honest as you would be with a stranger…give a reality check without treating them like someone you hate) then you can see which really applies to you. Maybe he is the right one and you don’t have to change anything, maybe he is not a good fit and it’s still in your best interest to make some changes.

Good luck!
“The problem is rarely what you think it is and the answer is always spiritual.”

TheAwakening,

I’ve been through traumatic things as well as dealt with situations long term that turned my soul black. After being in certain situations, I think it’s natural for your thinking to become distorted. I think when people have experienced certain things, it’s hard not to see the world in a differently. However, in the same way it’s naive to think that everything we experience will always be pleasant and end up in our favor; it’s just as illogical to think that everything we experieince is a personal attack or out to get us. I’ve been pretty raw and it took a lot of self compassion and faith to start seeing clearly again. That being said, I also like objective progress. Do you know what kind of therapy your counselor is using? (Is she professional?) Do you know what your needs are and do you feel comfortable enough to bring it up if she doesn’t recognize it?

Secondly, if you are looking for measurable progress, I am a fan of solution oriented therapy. In my opinion the progress is less ambiguous than most of the therapies I’m familiar with. If you are interested, the book “Do One Thing Different” by Bill O’Hanlon sums it up.

Confused,
HOly moly you are really into this guy! Your entire message is all about him. Look, I don’t know you or all the ins and outs of your situation, but what I can tell you is that when you focus on the right things, everything else will fall into place. You sound a bit obsessed and I know when I’ve been like that, I’m usually creating some kind of unhelathy dynamic. Trust me, there is not a person out there who can have that much power over you without letting you down or disappointing you. The solution is spiritual and the problem is rarely what you think it is.

Concerning talking to him, it’s really hard to tell what’s going on in someone else’s head and talking to him is the only way you will know for sure. Find your center first and get a sense of inner peace. See if you can sense what feels like a wise and necessary decision. For me, it’s hard to make wise decisions if I’m not calm and centered. Your inner wisdom will be so much more on target than internet strangers could tell you, even caring and spiritual internet strangers. In my experience, if you are with the wrong person, no amount of hoop jumping can impress them and when I’m with the right person, there is nothing so bad that they won’t accept you.

Bon Courage!