Confused,

I could relate to some of the things you described. I second Matt’s suggestions of taking notes of what he does that makes you feel good and starting to do them for yourself. In life, there are no guarantees that the people who love you will always be that perceptive, and even if they are it’s not their job to do that for you. For me, I try to do everything possible to take care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. Whatever my lovers, friends and family give me is icing on the cake, but I don’t feel like I’m sad or disappointed if they don’t do those things or don’t have time for them. Whenever I wait for someone to give me something or do things for me to make me happy, I find it doesn’t work. If I do it for myself, then it’s guaranteed.

From my experience, coming from dysfunction, it was very easy for me to feel hurt when my family wasn’t perceptive and/or giving. Eventually I got used to be ignored or repeating myself. As I entered more relationships, I found myself getting overly attached to anyone who showed me kindness like what you described. It’s wasn’t healthy how much power I gave that person over my well being, and it neediness usually doesn’t come across as attractive. Just some thoughts to consider. I don’t know how much of my experience resonates with you, but it sounded familiar to me. It also concerns me that you feel like you can’t live without him. Just think, you were okay before him, and you will be okay after him. No one on this earth is here to take care of you, except you. Try to pamper yourself like a princess and make it so no one could possibly take care of you better than you already do.

Concerning your friendship, personally I would practice taking care of yourself first. I like having difficult conversations when I’m feeling peaceful inside and centered. Search for things that make you feel like that. If you decide you still want to have a conversation, I find that telling the person all the reasons why I’m afraid to have a conversation and then say “but I want to be honest with you” or “I want to clear the air.” For example, tell him that you aren’t sure how to say it, but that you need to be vulnerable about something. You could also mention that you are afraid of being honest because you don’t want your friendship to change or for things to be awkward, but that you want to clear the air.

Best of luck ! Keep us posted!

Lester,

Two things came to mind while reading this thread. In my experience, your “why” is important. It’s what determines how far you will go and what will make you continue. If you get rich so you can take care of a sickly child, then you will might stop killing yourself at work if that child dies or alternatively you might be willing to lie and cheat a stranger to save your child. If you are doing it just to prove it to yourself, then maybe no amount of money will be enough. If you marry a woman because she is beautiful, why not divorce her and marry someone younger when her beauty fades? Or maybe you’ll marry a beautiful woman who you really love only to have her leave you for someone richer. You can travel the world to impress people or be accomplished only to find out you don’t even like or want to be around the people you started out impressing. I don’t think these things are bad in and of themselves, but some people find this way of life empty if these are the only things you live for. I realize that there are a lot of “ifs” and “buts”, and that’s my point. There are no guarantees and, there are a trillion variables. What I’ve come to learn is that oftentimes people don’t even know what it takes to *really* make them happy until they take this usual route and find out that it’s not all what they thought it would be.

I think if money, beautiful partners and travel were fulfulling then people in Hollywood wouldn’t have affairs, divorces, have mental illness, ever be single, struggle with addictions and all their children would turn out perfect. Rock stars wouldn’t die at twenty seven.

Unfortunately, money can’t bring back a person who has died; you can’t bribe anyone to let you change your past or take away things you regret.
People who have it all still have problems or feel empty knowing that they should be happy but that it just doesn’t do it for them.

There is a quote I like, “From the outside looking in you can’t understand it, and from the inside looking out you can’t explain it.” By all means, see if it works for you! I think it’s something no one else can tell you, you have to experience it. There are no shortcuts to understanding something firsthand.

I’ve traveled and from my experience you can be in paradise but it means nothing if you hate the people around you, you can have more money than you’ve ever had and that can’t change your childhood or change a friend who wants to self destruct, and you can date models only to find out that they don’t make you light up or that they have issues just like everyone else.

Good luck! If it works out for you, buy me a drink!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Kinny.

1. I am Judy Judy on pot; a keen intuition and sense of discernment,but relaxed. In order to keep things interesting, when i first date someone my first conversation with them entails me telling them to ask me three questions: one to make me think, one to make me laugh, and one to make me blush. Lastly, I’m not a vegetarian because I love meat, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

2. I love reading quotes. I’m pretty sure I found it on google searching for quotes on forgiveness.

3. Oh man…go on YouTube and type in “Weird Girl Dancing”. Nuf said!!!

4. If they were from here, I would take them to my favorite reservior and then my favorite raw place.

5. I am working on learning mind reading and American sign language.

I remember when my fiance cheated on me while I was on a month long business trip, I agonized over why and how it all came about. When I got back, I didn’t demand an explanation or apology from him because I figured no matter what the problem was, cheating wasn’t the answer. I bring this up because you can’t control what other people do, but you can control if you obsess over it or not.

Trust me, my breakup was very public and humiliating, but what I learned the hard way is that for me, talking doesn’t resolve feelings. The best advice a friend gave to me was, “Well, what do you need in order to get over it?” I wish I invested more time in figuring that out instead of trying to figure out someone who was acting on their weak, cowardly or human side was thinking. No matter what your ex’s reasons are, you still need to figure out how to cope in a productive way. Pretend his reasons don’t matter, because they don’t. People who are meant for you don’t treat you like that. A year after my break up, I met someone who put him to shame. You never know. Plus, if you get over him and he doesn’t want to be with you, you are on an even playing field; Or you could get over him and he could come back and realize it was a mistake. Either way it’s in your best interest to invest in figuring out what makes you happy.

I recently read the book called Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon which I found very helpful.

There is a french saying for good luck and have courage: Bon Courage!