Hi Pete,

You could list the things you don’t like about yourself and start practicing the opposite. Little by little our actions can bring about changes in our feelings about ourselves.
I can’t think my way into new feelings but I can act my way into a more positive view of myself. Giving of yourself, your time, talents and money, to good causes can make you feel wonderful. Smile whether you feel like it or not. it actually helps. Particularly smile at other people. A smile is a gift that says ” I acknowledge you. “.
I’ve put this in a form of saying what you could do. I’m too lazy to write it again. So I’ll just say that these are the things I do to nourish the best part of myself.
Some things are really easy and fast. i go onto the Greater Good site every day and take a minute to click on sites that give to several great causes. it’s free.
Although I’m not a religious person the description of love from 1st Corinthians is lovely. I need to treat myself with patience and kindness, not boast or carry grudges, not judge others or myself. If you have acted in ways that hurt others you can go to them and clean it up. Apologize and ask if there is anything you can do to make up for your mistake. People are amazingly forgiving when we go to them and admit our wrongs. I suspect you may be carrying guilt. Making amends gets rid of guilt.

All the very best, Lyla

Hi Cathy,

It takes at the very least,a couple of years to grieve a long marriage or relationship. It sounds like the timing of your relationship was off. The right man at the wrong time for him.
This is probably something that you can’t help him with but it’s great that you both have therapists for support. Maybe you need to listen carefully to what your man is telling you. 1] He has nothing to give to a relationship right now. 2] He doesn’t want talk about love, your relationship, your future. 3] He doesn’t WANT you to wait around.
What you were describing is being ” in love ” which has little to do with real and lasting love. How long did you know this man? Becoming best friends takes a very long time.

You sound very romantic but romance is not reality. Your man is telling you in every way that you should move on without him. He wants you to date other men. A man who loves you would not be talking that way. A man who loves you would be totally upset at the very thought. Hey, it was great while it lasted but it’s over. I’m sad for you. it hurts and it will take time for you to heal too but please, for both your sakes, let him go.

Hi Kristian,

One of the most important things I’ve learned as someone who lives with mental illness is that often it’s the illness that’s ” Talking ” and saying negative things about me. it’s hard to have positive thoughts when you are depressed but, if you can remember not to believe everything that you’re thinking, it will go better for you. If you have love and support believe what those people feel and say about you. Believe your girlfriend. You may need to go back to your doctor for an honest talk. it could be that you need a change of medication. Mine has been changed over and over. Best of luck and let us know how you are getting on.

Hugs, Lyla

Hello Kay,

I have only a couple of minutes but I wanted to reach out to you. You are an amazing person to have come through all of that and not be full of bitterness and self-pity. You are so strong. Your childhood was not your fault nor anything else that has happened to you. i too have had a really traumatic life but I have come to peace about it. I didn’t cause the family sickness nor can I fix it. I’m responsible for my life and only my life. Good for you that you want to better yourself. I have faith in you. I know you’ll make it.
I’ll write more when I can. Big hugs to you.

Hi Danielle, Have you asked your man to come and have a quiet talk? Texting someone doesn’t convey emotion. Surely a face-to-face talk would be best? That way you hear the tone of voice, see the facial expression and the body language.

Have you let him know that you are now in therapy and dealing with your negativity? The weight doesn’t seem to be an issue for him. Maybe for now it would be a good idea to just put it aside yourself. I get the hint that he may have a problem with alcohol. Was that a concern for you?

I hope that things work out for you in the best possible way.

Hugs, Lyla

Hi Penelope, Only you can know what is the best thing to do and I think that you do. You didn’t say why your Mother moved in but, if you have given it your best and it’s not working, you might all be better off if your mother goes home. Given some distance and with the pressure lessened you can then see if your relationship with your mother can be improved. Eric is being too tough on you. You have given the barest of details. Not enough for anyone to judge you on. You have your own children to consider. You have your health to consider. It sounds like stress is making you ill. Your mother has had her life and you’re not throwing her out on the street. She’s going home.
Be gentle with yourself. You tried and it wasn’t a success. OK. chalk it up to experience and forgive yourself. You deserve that and peace. May 2014 be a good year for you all.

A woman’s point of view Morten. You are asking and these good men have answered you from a place of maturity. As you asked for advice you might take time to consider the advice you have been given. Otherwise what’s the point? You are only 16, only starting your romantic life. She may have many fine qualities, your girlfriend. She also sounds like she is very damaged. That will affect you in a major way. Why not just date around with some nice, uncomplicated girls and have some fun. There are so many red flags with this girlfriend. You don’t have to observe her some more. It sounds like you have an accurate picture now. No, I would not show her this page. I don’t think that would be fair. You didn’t cause this situation, you can’t fix it. I very much doubt that talking to her will make any difference. Why not just walk quietly away. You don’t have to give any reason. Just be busy doing other things. If you stay with her you could become as sick as she is. Poor girl. I feel sorry for her and for you too. You will have the consequences of any action you take, or not take. Think very carefully. Ask yourself why you would even consider tolerating her intolerable behaviour. Isn’t it hurtful to you? Don’t you feel that neither she nor the ” brothers” have any respect for you? Have respect for yourself and care enough for yourself not to stay in a hurtful situation. Good luck. Let us know how it goes for you.

Hi B,

It takes time to develop close bonds with anyone. Lots of time spent together sharing life experiences and finding out if yours and their values mesh in enough ways for your friendship to become closer. I’m a single woman without children in my late 60s and it isn’t any easier than it was earlier in life. I live to high standards myself and find that I expect too much of others. I’m trying to keep my standards high for myself but lowering them for other people. That being said, I have allowed a lot of toxicity in my life because that was my comfort zone. That’s what home was for me. I’ve only lived where i do for 5 years now and have pleasant acquaintances with some of my nieghbours.
I belong to a 12 Step group and have friendly relationships there too but nobody here that I truly love or who loves me. My closest friends all live far away and there isn’t any family either. I’ve had to be my own best friend, try out friendship with others but, frankly, I’m just not that good at it. I just ended a three year ” friendship” which went on too long. My friend was always putting me down, arguing with me over the dumbest things and showing jealousy at my successes. Who needs that? I’m a passionate activist for animals and another women I had been getting close to decided to treat herself to a lobster and cook it live. That was the end of that. Knowing she was capable of such cruelty I just don’t want to know her. That’s what I meant about having similar values.
I met a nice group of women when I was volunteering for the SPCA. Out of the three there are two that I feel could be good friends. One is caring and supportive, the other is a busy single mother back at school but there’s enough there to build on I feel. I’ve met my share of bad people, some very, very bad and I had to come to realize that I just don’t see the red flags. Another old friend told me it’s not that I don’t see them but I run right past them. I intend to be very cautious in the future. As for the manipulators, as soon as you recognize the behavior, just walk away. I’ve found that I don’t have to say anything. I’m just too busy to see anyone I don’t want to see..
I hope this has been of some use to you. It’s clarified things for myself. Let me know how you feel about what I’ve said.
All the very best in 2014, Lyla