Dear anita,

I can relate to the strange feeling when trees are logged. It is always sad to see the destruction. I prefer if everything is growing relatively wild. Where I live there are also not too many dangerous animals. Maybe wild boars, but I have never encountered them in nature. Or wolves, they have been reintroduced in recent years, but I have also never seen any. I wonder what it is like, living with the possibility of meeting a bear or cougar? Must be a scary feeling!

About loneliness: in the past, I thought I was destined to be alone. And I often avoided people, thinking they wouldn’t like me anyway. But now I am learning that I am missing something, that I actually like human connection! But I still have to learn a lot when it comes to social competencies.

My day was so so. The good thing is that I spent the afternoon mostly without the internet, which made my head feel so much better. And I finished my illustration.

In the end, I didn’t bake the cake. I had forgotten an ingredient. But I will do this in the coming days. I also like cheesecakes. Chocolate is also good and cakes with strawberries or poppyseeds. Baking is so nice and cozy!

Tomorrow I want to work for uni,  making sketches for a new illustration for project C. And I will start the morning offline!!

Dear anita,

my day was o.K. In the morning I did yoga, then cleaned up, went to buy groceries, did the laundry. In the afternoon I worked on project C. I did not finish the illustration yet. If I concentrated better, I could get more done. At work, I can focus so well, but at home, it is harder.

In the evening, I talked to my sister on the phone. It is good to have someone I can talk to quite openly. But I am still missing more contacts. A few years ago, I felt overwhelmed. There was particularly one friend, that stressed me and I isolated myself more. But I guess it would be good for me, to have more contacts. My life feels quite empty sometimes. Well, at least I am calmer now, better than a few years ago. And I know what I did wrong and what I can improve: I need to find a balance between not being able to say no to people and cutting off contact and isolating myself…

Oh well, I guess I am just in a bad mood right now, somewhat grumpy, haha… Sorry! I am working on it!

Tomorrow I will finish the illustration and make sketches for the next. I should also clean up for 10 minutes and do some form of exercise. Maybe I should exercise more, maybe that would make me feel calm and happy.

Hope your Monday was a good one! Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

today I have finished project A! I only have to print it now, cut it and sew it together. Maybe next week I can send it to the copyshop, or figure out how / where to print it.

Of course, it’s not perfect. Part of me wants to add this or that, but I told myself that it is done now. Time to move on to project C. I can start working on it tomorrow.

Other than that, I should also clean up and exercise for a bit. And I should stick to the times, that I set for myself.

As for the recipe, I cooked “Quarkkeulchen”. It is made with potatoes, “quark” (it is a bit like cream cheese or sour cream) a bit of flour, sugar and some spices.  It is fried into small cakes. I ate it with apple sauce and powdered sugar, some eat it also with vanilla sauce. Sometimes in my family, we had such sweet dishes for lunch which I am usually not so much of a fan of. But from time to time it’s nice.

At the moment I am trying out more german recipes, like potato soup, Quarkkeulchen and I also want to try more like onion cake or “Königsberger Klopse” (meatballs in a white sauce). Usually, I am not such a big fan of german cooking, but I lent out a book from the library… I really enjoy cooking and trying out new recipes.

Hope you are having a good day!

Dear anita,

your walk sounds nice and calming! And how cool that you have detected a nettle! Spring is coming quickly! Here it was windy and rainy today. But from time to time the sun came out.

What are your structure and anchor? Are you also still searching for it?

For me, I know pretty well what I need, but it is hard to put into practice. It works for a few days, but then I start slipping again… I am self-sabotaging!

Today was again not very productive. At least I read and cleaned up. Also, my thoughts became more positive as the day progressed. The good thing is that tomorrow is my workday and that will make for a more productive day… But I really have to get more done on the weekend. At work, I can concentrate so well, but for some reason, it’s hard when I am at home working on my own stuff.

But my head feels better at the moment, with less self-hating thoughts compared to last night/this morning. So I am hopeful that I will get back on track.

Dear anita,

it was actually snowing again today, but only a little. Anyways, spring is not far away! Did you see nettles? The ones I saw were very small (at least I thought they were nettles).

Today I was feeling a little better, better at concentrating. In the morning I did some yoga, later I painted.

Then we wanted to play board games with my roommates but ended up just talking in the kitchen. Or maybe I was not talking too much, except for commenting a little from time to time, but I guess it was o.K. Everything was fine. Except that the exercise ball of my one roommate broke because in the morning a jar fell down when I was looking for something in the refrigerator. Then I must have missed a sherd when cleaning up. I am always so clumsy!

Well, but other than that, it was fun to talk in the kitchen.

Tomorrow I will continue with my routine, but for today I feel quite tired and will go to sleep now. See you tomorrow!

Dear anita,

today I managed to do a few minutes of yoga in the morning. I am thinking that I am doing better if I plan to do it in the morning.

As for my projects, I am not as productive as I wish to be lately. Today I only finished one page from project B. The plan to stay in all day and work doesn’t go that well, but I am trying to do this again and again.

Except walking home on Friday, I did not go for walks during the last weeks. It was so cold, the days were grey and also sometimes I had a crazy thought of people following me. But the walks are important and help me to keep a clear and calm mind. I should go for a long walk at least twice a week, the time spent on this is very worth it. Especially, if I have almost no social contacts.

So I should go for a walk tomorrow, otherwise, work on my projects and do a weekly review.

Have a nice rest of the day!

Dear anita,

today’s workday was calm, everything was o.K. After work, I walked home. But then, I did not get much done and just watched a TV series.

Tomorrow I should work again on my projects. Starting at 9 and 2. Maybe clean up and exercise/go for a walk.

Dear anita,

it was more of an unproductive day today. In the morning I went to see my therapist and I was kind of tense and desperate. Maybe because I had not slept well and had some anxious thoughts lately. Sometimes my imagination runs wild…

Talking to my therapist helped. Sometimes I worry because there are not much more sessions left. But even though I cannot get more sessions with her, she said we can find a solution.

Most of the day I spent reading and I also watched a movie. Later I worked on project A.

I want to get more done, be more productive, have less distracting thoughts. Sometimes I worry about not contributing enough to society. If a nurse, teacher, or mother reads all of this thread, what will they think? But at least I am doing a little every day, also thanks to your help with reading my thread. With time, I want to improve more and more.

With mini-steps, I am getting better…

The specific goal-setting helped. Otherwise, I would have likely skipped project A and worked on project B. It is easier for me, because I have denoted it as “sketchbook”, therefore I am more o.K. with making mistakes.

Specific goals for tomorrow:

– Go for a walk

– Work on project A (layout)

– Watch Tutorials on graphic design

– Think about applying for this workshop or not.

– Work in the morning and afternoon

– Try out a new recipe: lentil bolognese

About the internet: I still have to work on how to set my goals so as to stick to them. No internet before 10 am did not work so well so far. I will think about it more.

Now I am tired and will go to sleep soonish. To a more productive day tomorrow! See you then.