Dear anita,

today was a bit of a strange day. I have to stay in quarantine until May 10th because one of my contacts has corona. After lots of phone calls and insecurity, I finally felt more sure of what I have to do. Then I ordered some groceries, but other than that, my day was not very productive. I binge-watched one TV show I used to enjoy as a child/pre-teen called ocean girl and I still liked it…

I wrote my goals down in a new planner I got a few weeks ago and that I want to start using in May. Maybe writing things down more clearly will help. It often does, but I quickly go off track. So having this planner that is more structured and writing in it daily could be helpful.

Tomorrow:

– Get up at 7

– Do yoga

– Work on project C for at least one hour

– Clean up for 15 minutes

– Maybe sketch and journal Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

thanks! And stay safe during your walks! Taking pepper spray seems like a good idea! I can’t imagine what it’s like to live in a place with dangerous animals.

Today I went for a walk in the morning and also spent some time journaling about my goals and drawing. Tomorrow I want to work on project D.

Dear anita,

I hope you warmed up after your walk! Here it was cold (about 10°C) but still sunny, sometimes clouded today.

Most of the day today was spent at work. It was a calm day, but I was alone for the majority of it. For that, I did o.K., I think. Had some awkward exchanges, but that’s normal for me. One of my co-workers asked me about my studies today. Really, I hate talking about this topic, as I feel so much insecurity and shame around it. He asked me about my projects and ideas, asked why I don’t work at a job more related to my studies. I want to be really polite and friendly, but this topic makes me so uncomfortable. Also, I don’t like sharing my (underdeveloped) ideas with someone I don’t know that well and who also doesn’t know much about the subject. Then I told him that I do not want to talk about my studies.

At home, I also am feeling weird. My two roommates now sometimes visit each other in their room to talk. I am happy for them, but I also feel intense fears of being excluded, of them talking about me and judging me, scapegoating me. I know it is irrational and it also understandable that they get along better with each other than with me. They have more in common and are more open. It is so hard for me to be open and relaxed and normal. I wish I could fit in, but it doesn’t come easy for me and I also need alone time. On one hand, I really want connection, on the other hand, I want to be alone where I am comfortable and safe.

Sorry for talking too much about this and for ranting. Sometimes I don’t have anybody I could share this with.

I think I should do some simple yoga now, to feel calmer. And tomorrow work on my projects again.

Dear anita,

thank you. How nice that you had a good walk and that there is good weather at your end.

Today I went to the river beach and sat down at my favorite place. It was relaxing to listen to the sound of the waves and enjoy the calm. It made me feel good and in tune with myself.

Also, I journaled about my goals, but I am not finished. Later I talked to my sister on the phone. Tomorrow I have to work on my projects again.

Wishing you a very good weekend!

Dear anita,

thank you, I did sleep alright. It was also partly sunny here today. Next time I should go outside!

Today I finished two pages of project B which means that I finished project B! It feels so good to finish something and to know that I am capable of finishing things. When looking at it, I am thinking about all of the things that I need to improve on… But overall I am o.K. with the finished sketchbook. Over 100 pages of watercolor paintings/drawings, some of very good quality, others not so good. All dedicated to one topic. It is something.

Now I will move on to project D, which is about 10-12 16 page homemade sketchbooks that we were supposed to fill in 4 hours (but I needed a lot longer for the sketchbooks…) I have finished about half of them, have to look at them again tomorrow.

Also, in the morning I did yoga for 20 minutes.

Tomorrow is my workday and after that, I would like to do yoga and see what I can do for project C+D.

Dear anita,

it was sunny here today as well and people were not wearing jackets, some even wore T-Shirts and short skirts.

In the morning I went to get another Corona test because I was going to therapy in the afternoon (we can have one free test per week). It was negative. Then I painted and finished the page. Later I went to my therapy session. We talked about my goals and why I am blocking myself. My goals for the next months are to finish my projects, exercise more, and eat less sugar and the third one was to structure my day more/have more diversity, and sometimes have some fun. Also, I can adjust what is working and what is not working.

Tomorrow I would like to do yoga in the morning and finish one page for project B. In the afternoon, I can work on project C, later maybe something like reading or going for a walk. Also, I wanted to clean up.

Hope your Tuesday went well!

Dear anita,

thank you for being understanding and for your offer! I will get back to you if I need help with revisiting the threads.

Did you enjoy your spring/summer day? Here it is still fresh outside, but the last days were sunny. I want to value the seasons more and pay more attention to nature’s wonders.

My day was not so productive. At least I tried out two new recipes and thought about goal setting. Like I said before but then lost track of it, I need to set specific goals for myself. The weekly review was also a good idea and I should bring that back as well.

My goals for this week:

1) Finish project B (3 pages are left)

2) Work on one illustration for project C

3) Do yoga as often as possible

4) Think more about my goals

5) Spend time in nature

Tomorrow I have to go to work, but I also should draw for at least a few minutes (project B). Yoga would also be good, it often makes me feel better and helps with my back problems.

Have a good rest of Sunday!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

sorry, I know you did not want to discuss my childhood any further. When reading how you praised me for not passing on emotional pain to others, I got worried a bit, asking myself if I could truly be this amazing and if I had presented myself as too perfect. Then I started to ask myself; is this really true about me? Maybe I should learn how to take a compliment. It would be amazing if I was like this. But all I can say is that I have the intent to be kind and friendly to others and not to hurt them to my best abilities. That is something.

Also thank you for the time and effort you put into helping me and going through my threads for hours! You have given me lots of advice and insight and it did help me to understand better. I don’t know if I understood everything. Maybe it is time to go back to the old threads. The last time we talked about it it was still too painful, especially reflecting on my ex again (by reading the old threads). It has helped me to think less about him and made me feel calmer again.

Today at work one of my co-workers got sick. I hope they are o.K., but it was quite serious. I like them, but we are also not so close, simply I hope they will fully recover. Other than that, the day was very slow. When I came home I did 50 minutes of yoga and it made me feel refreshed. Just when I finished my grandmother called and then I also talked with my roommate. Then I made food and it should be ready soon. After eating I should draw. Also, tomorrow: I need to work on project C and also go outside or do yoga again.

Hope you are well!