Dear Prash,

thank you for your response.

Sometimes if I read articles about toxic people, I wonder if I am one. And in the case of my brief encounter with that man, I fear that I might have hurt him. I probably have. I wasn’t able to give him the feeling that he is loved. He doesn’t want to talk to me it seems. I also won’t call him again, as I want to respect his decision. Even though I wish we could talk at least one final time about what happened.

I’m just wondering about: what did I do wrong? But I know, I should have taken it more slowly. I worry about what he might think and if he is okay. If he is indeed sick? It would be so terrible if he got sick because of me.

And in the last year or so I lost some friends. So there must be something wrong with me…

The first friend was constantly calling me, wanting to spend time together. I should have enforced my own boundaries, but didn’t and always said yes. She also told something very private to other friends and even acquaintances, which upset me a lot. She also called me in the middle of the night, because she had a fight with her boyfriend and things like that. It was too much for me and I just stopped contacting her and she also stopped contacting me after a while. I now regret that we didn’t talk about it.

Another friend I lost, because we didn’t contact each other any more. We never were very close to begin with.

The friend I regret losing the most, I knew for a long time. We used to study together. She lives in a city nearby, but still we struggled to stay in contact. Last year we finally met and she came to visit me. We had a really good day together and I promised to come visit her soon, we even had made plans for the next month. But I also had no job at the time and barely enough money for food. I also had told her before that I wanted to change things, but didn’t manage to do it. So I was so ashamed and didn’t contact her for months. Only recently I wrote to her.

Finally there was the friend I always tried to help with her festivals, moving and so on. Even when I really didn’t have time or didn’t really want to do it. And then sometimes I wasn’t enthusiastic enough or was being difficult (sometimes it also went well). But I wanted to be a good friend. After the last incident I didn’t contact her again and she also didn’t contact me, as I was thinking that it just didn’t work out. Maybe I should have just respected my own boundaries more.

When I write this down I think that it probably all has to do with my difficulties with saying no. And I also wasn’t feeling so well at that time, so I isolated myself a little. But I think I wasn’t a good friend too. And doesn’t this show, that I am very difficult? But maybe it only shows that I have some problems I need to work on. And to not do it again.

I think I need to start writing more, it helped me to clear my mind.

Dear anita,

yes, I still struggle with my self worth. Sometimes I even say to myself that I’m not a good person. Sometimes I thought that I was a difficult child… My parents used to say “oh, these bad children” somewhat jokingly. I know my mother had a hard time raising three children. She always says that it’s not easy to raise kids. But now she tries to be more encouraging.

I often feel like I’m not deserving of a good life. I had so many chances, but I didn’t use them well enough. My fear of failure kept me from trying. And for example with this new man I felt like I’m not good enough for him. He has his life together, while I’m still struggling.

With him I wasn’t completely comfortable. Maybe I wasn’t loving enough, I don’t have that much experience when it comes to relationships. I talked to him more like a friend. I’m just this awkward I guess when I don’t know somebody that well. He said: “But you know me a little bit better now.” But I only know him for 1 or two weeks!

Why is it bad to talk about therapy? I wanted to be honest with him, I wanted to let him know who I was. But maybe it comes off as too insecure? Maybe it was too soon? Maybe I was overstepping a boundary there? He said he was happy for me.

Yes, you are right I should have talked to him about being uncomfortable… I don’t know why I do things I’m uncomfortable with. I was already uncomfortable giving him my phone number and so on. But i wanted to change something I guess and give it a shot.

It doesn’t look as if he will call me. Yesterday after he responded I wrote: Yes we can talk on the phone tomorrow, if you like. Until tomorrow then? And he didn’t respond. So I don’t know if I should be the one to call or write. But maybe he doesn’t want that and maybe this will come off as even more insecure and needy.

Well, I guess I behaved really stupid, right?

Dear anita,

sorry for not responding in so long. I have some good news though. Today I talked to a therapist and I felt really good about her. She can’t take me on before September, but I haven’t felt as good about any of the other therapists I talked to before. We will have (at least) a second meeting before deciding if we will work together. She also suggested to me to have a final conversation with my old therapist for closure. It never occurred to me before, but this might be a good idea. I still have to think about this more, maybe I will do it.

Also I tried tracking my thoughts, but it was not so easy. When I’m at work or Uni, sometimes I forget about it. But I noticed that those thoughts come when something happens (I make a mistake, act weird or somebody makes a negative comment about me, or when I stand out in a bad way) and sometimes when I do tasks that don’t require too much concentration (like cleaning up, running errands etc.).

I tried to track my thoughts today.

In the morning I felt really bad. Yesterday there was a misunderstanding at work. I had agreed to work more this month, because there is a lack of staff in the company. One colleague and his wife thought that I would start working more today, but I can’t, as the semester only ends in one week. I’m very sure I said the correct date, I looked it up to make sure. Anyways, the colleague  made some “joking” comments. He already had made similar comments with another colleague on Monday (he initially seemed to think that I would work more starting Tuesday). They said “Oh, the child has to study…” and then something about “first she learns how to store data..” (which is part of my job). The comments yesterday were along those lines. He said something about me writing applications, but I didn’t understand all of it and another Co-worker said it’s good that I didn’t hear it.

It made me feel so worthless. What they were trying to say (as I understood) was that I haven’t accomplished anything. Or am I wrong? I felt belittled. My thoughts were like this: I was quite sure I had said the correct date. But I can also understand that he is very stressed at the moment. At the other hand it’s not my fault that they don’t have enough staff. And I don’t find this sort of comments in any way helpful. It feels passive aggressive? If he has a problem,I would prefer he would address it directly. Later I also thought more about it. Maybe I don’t communicate enough. Usually I focus on my work and don’t like to talk much. Often I just don’t know what to say and I feel safer concentrating on my work. Maybe that came off as arrogant? I got along well with the former staff, but his wife was newly introduced. First she worked in another place and somehow we didn’t really introduce to each other. Now she has to take on the main burden of work. Maybe next time I should ask her how her weekend was or something and also suggest that we address each other informally (by first name)?

Still, the comments really bothered me. I couldn’t sleep. I thought to myself: I’m worthless, I’m spoiled and such things. Others have it worse, they deserve therapy more than me. Also that I don’t like myself, why haven’t I accomplished more? Things like that. I cried. And I thought: why do I feel sorry for myself? I need to go and change something, do something about it. In the morning I still felt bad. And I was angry at myself and even hit myself with a cutting board in the head (I know, it is crazy and weird…).

I know I shouldn’t let other people’s judgemental words get to me. But I often react very emotional. I need to learn how to control my feelings and thoughts…

The rest of the day was better though. After the appointment with the therapist went well, my mood improved. Then I went to Uni from 10 am to 5 pm and I was mainly focused on my courses, with little room for weird thoughts. Only sometimes I worried if I looked at someone in a strange way or that I should have participated more in the discussion. But overall it was good…

But your idea of writing down thoughts is good. Maybe I can become more conscious that way.

Hello again,

I hope it is okay that I write again in this thread…

For some time I was feeling better. I started reading “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron and in the beginning of may I was really productive. I was very happy with myself, but maybe I should have taken more breaks. At that time I felt like I couldn’t take some time off, because I wanted to get things done and with work and uni during the week, I had to use the weekends and couldn’t take a day off.

But in the last two weeks things didn’t go so well. I had to prepare a talk for one class. In hindsight, I think I spent too much time reading and should have started preparing the talk earlier. Also one fellow student of mine told me that her birthday was tomorrow, but her best friends were out of town, so her plans for the weekend were ruined. As I know how terrible it feels, when nobody calls you on your birthday, I offered to spend the day with her. We went to a museum together and it was nice. (But I might have made a stupid comment… I also worry about that) Anyways, I probably shouldn’t have offered to go to the museum with her, because I didn’t really have the time.

The week of the talk I also had a compact course, but I couldn’t really concentrate and I was really stressed, as I was thinking of the talk. Here is the problem: I was really insufferable there, I think I got on everyone’s nerves. We were working in groups and I was disagreeing with the proposals of others, but I also didn’t have any good ideas myself. Then I had some sort of a breakdown and went home earlier. When I think about it, it reminds me of my father’s behavior. He also goes crazy when stressed. In such a moment I get these intense self-destructive thoughts. I feel like people dislike me, that I can’t do anything right. I am pitying myself. And I start to think things like “I want to burn my sketchbooks”, or that I want to kill myself or hurt myself… And later, I feel even more disgusted with myself, because I reacted so horribly. And I wonder if I’m a toxic person or a narcissist. I need to get my emotions under control, but I don’t know how. I really don’t like myself at the moment. At work I also feel like I’m asking too many questions and get on everybody’s nerves. I am so problematic and I wish I could be different.

For now I decided to spend some more time by myself. I always feel more at ease when I’m alone. I just can’t truly be myself when I’m with others. This weekend I want to work on uni stuff only in the morning, then go to a sports class and then finally clean up my room (which is a total mess).And on sunday I will visit my parents, who are currently on vacation in my area.

I’m sorry for the long rant. I just needed to talk to someone, I think.

Hello Mark,

thanks for the link. Out of that list, I think I’m most likely an obliger. I have a hard time sticking to my own goals, but if there is another person involved I try harder. But I have also failed to meet a deadline before. If another person depends on me, I will try my best to reach the goal. But if I’m the only one who will have to face consequences, it doesn’t matter as much.

But I also wouldn’t follow a rule that I find immoral or useless, so I might be a bit of a questioner as well?

Maybe accountability could help me in forming new habits… But with my therapist it didn’t always work out when I told her “I will do X until next time”. So I guess I have to do something to make me take it more seriously. Maybe tell a friend that I will do something until a certain date and if I don’t I have to do something I don’t like doing?

Hello anita,

thank you for your advice. Maybe you are right and I still have to work on overcoming my past. I looked up therapists online, but I’m still unsure if I want to try another therapy. After the last therapy failed I had a lot of doubts. You tell a stranger so many secrets about your life and maybe they just find you ridiculous or they don’t even believe you. And they are only human as well. And what if the next therapist does make it even worse? But I guess that’s life, you have to take risks.

About my last therapist, I think she might have the same problem as me: not knowing how to say what you want? She gave a lot of hints, that she wanted to end therapy, but never said it directly, even when I asked. Or I don’t know. Maybe it’s useless analysing what others might think.

I only know how I felt, I was a bit confused about the status of the therapy (is it over or not?) and also disappointed in myself. Also like she gave up on me and I was angry at her as well

I think you are right that I have a deep-seated belief about myself that I’m not good enough. Sometimes I say to myself “I’m useless/horrible/a bad person/worthless” like a mantra. I need to stop that, but something bad happens, or if I suspect that I behaved inappropriate I go into that state of self-bashing that I know is completely pointless and damaging.

How did you overcome your negative beliefs about yourself? Through therapy? Or did you do more than that?

Lily

Hello anita,

there are a lot of things I would like to change about myself, but the most important thing is being financially independent. It really affects my confidence that I don’t have a job and career at my age. Becoming more confident is also a goal. All is connected to failing at my career…

Some things I would like to change:

– becoming financially independent

– becoming more confident

– exercising more

– instead of wasting my time online, go outside more, meet with friends, have some memorable experiences

– one day I would also like to be in a relationship, but this one seems just impossible for me and I have basically given up on that. So I should better focus on my “career” and the small things in life

To become financially independent, the first step would be to find a part time job. I have problems with writing the application. I think I can write a decent one, but most of the time I feel unqualified. In the past, I got jobs through friends or I wrote the application under pressure of the employment bureau. Once I have a job, I usually do a good or okay job (of course I don’t apply for complicated jobs).

I’m studying illustration and it’s hard to make money with that. I think I have enough talent, but I lack self-discipline and entrepreneurship. I should build a website, publish a book, visit fairs and so on… So far I haven’t taken it serious enough, haven’t taken myself serious enough. But there are definately things I could do. For example, I always wanted to start a blog and I already have some ideas for it. Then that maybe could also help me with my career.

To exercise more, I could sign up for the sports classes at uni, as they are pretty cheap. One friend also wants to do courses this semester, maybe we could do that together. In the past I went running with another friend regularly and it helped to have an appointment with someone, as of course I didn’t want to let her down.

I think if I had a job and went outside more I would automatically feel more confident and better about myself.

But there is also one part in me that just doesn’t care, that wants to destroy myself. And then I think: “if only I didn’t wake up tomorrow” or “nothing matters” or “I want to destroy all my sketchbooks (especially the nicest one, that I worked so hard for)”. I think I have to change my attitude. maybe I should write a gratitude journal or journal in general to release my thoughts. In theory I have a lot of ideas, but putting them into practice is the big problem. And sticking with it. I guess I have to try again and again…

Hello Peter,

thank you too for your reply. The article you linked was definitely interesting. I think I have to accept my past and let it be. Instead of endlessly feeling ashamed about it. It doesn’t help at all to do that. I know I should focus on the now, and the things I can change now.

The therapy I was in was behaviour therapy (I’m not sure if it is the right word in English). At the beginning of therapy you figure out the problems together with the therapist. Then you set goals you want to work on. Then you implement the things you discussed in therapy in your daily life. For example, if you have social anxiety your therapist could give you the task to speak out more in class instead of always holding back. And then you discuss the results at the next therapy session.

But I felt like it wasn’t like a real behaviour therapy. We were discussing my past and then got a little lost there a lot of times (especially towards the end).

A life coach is surely helpful, but I can’t afford it at the moment (it’s not covered by health insurance I think). I think I need to set small tasks for myself and not do too much at once.

Anyways, thank you both a lot for your help!

Lily

Hello anita, Mark and princevaliant,

I’m sorry that I never replied back. I was visiting my parents and then I had a deadline for uni-work. But I still wanted to say thank you for your help.I feel like the exchange with you helped me to come to terms with that failed therapy (or at least I realized that not all of it was my fault).

As for changing my life, I’m still struggling. To be honest, I haven’t made much progress.

I think all of your advice is good. Looking at my past has helped me to see things clearer. But I still don’t understand myself completely. Maybe I should seek another therapist, like my former therapist suggested (I’m still unsure).

But I also need to focus on the present. Too often I distract myself online to not have to face reality. I’m disappointed in myself, but I also often feel like nothing matters to me. At least I try to at least not go online in the mornings and it has worked in the last days. Maybe I should start more slowly like princevaliant suggested.

I hope I can change someday. But thank you for your help again. It’s so nice of you that you took the time to read and reply!