Dear anita,

I read through the previous threads and took some notes. It has become clearer to me that the heart of the problem is my self hate and inner critic (I knew before, but I needed a reminder). Often I get distracted with everyday problems and mistakes I make. But at these particular moments, I feel extreme feelings of self hate and can’t think clearly. Then I lose track of the bigger picture…

Over the weekend I was so distressed, especially on Saturday. I felt crazy and like I had made a huge mistake. Then K. wrote to me on Saturday afternoon. He said we can meet another time, when I’m feeling better and am less worried. He also asked since when I was sick and said that I had told him that I was fine. And he also said he is “on his way now”.

I had mentioned the eye infection before to him, but said that good healing options are available (that’s what the doctor said too). I didn’t want to worry him, but when he wanted to meet me, I felt it was my obligation to inform him more… So when I responded to him I only explained that and that I often worry too much, especially when I fear to hurt another…

But I don’t know if he still wanted to see me and if “on his way” meant that he wanted to still see me, or that he was on his way home. But I didn’t ask further, I just didn’t have any energy left that day. At that point (he wrote about 4 pm), I had already assumed that he didn’t want to see me. He also didn’t ask more, only after a while he wrote that it’s all good, that I shouldn’t worry and it will be o.K. I just thanked him and said that I hope so too and asked if he is on the train now…

I would like to explain myself further to him, but I don’t know… I don’t want to make myself look even weirder. And maybe I’m revealing too much about myself… I think his message was very considerate, I think I should thank him for that. I would like to explain to him that I sometimes have fears and self doubt, but that I’m working to overcome this. And I want to ask him how he is doing… I’m sad we didn’t see each other! I make my own life difficult!

But o.K. back to the actual problem, my extreme self-hate… The most important thing for me now should be to overcome this. I think I should really journal every day and note down my thoughts, like you suggested. Write down situations in which these beliefs come up and examine them and question them. And I guess it will take time.

And I think in my further communication with him, I should think more, pause more, before I respond. He also often doesn’t respond immediately. Better think about what I want and how to communicate with him (If he is still interested in communication with me…) and others.

This morning I was feeling very bad, but now I’m feeling better again. Yesterday I was thinking that I had made some progress. For example, I don’t think so much about that ex anymore. Also, my drawings have improved, I think they have become more true to myself than before. And I’m notice my behavioural patterns more now. I realize that I often take things too personally, that my fears of hurting others are exaggerated, that I worry too much about what others think, feel guilty easily and am too self critical.

I think I really do what you said: I warn people of me… I have these fears of not being a good friend, of hurting others, not being there enough for others. What I also thought about during the last weeks: people tell me they feel calm when they spend time with me. One felt better when talking to me after a breakup, one said meeting me is like “coming home”. Weird how these people see me as this calm person, while I have so much inner turmoil going on!

I think it probably came off like I think he only wants sex, but that’s not what I meant. I am such an idiot!!!!

Is it better to say nothing, if you have an infectious illness? Is it better to wait, until you meet the person and then say: listen, I can’t hug you right now, but I’m happy to see you?

But he also says nothing to me about it, about what he thinks… I would prefer he would ask or even reproach me. But like this, we cannot move further. And maybe the things I said were just stupid to say. Maybe a normal person would never say that.

Dear anita,

have a good time away from the computer!

I also talked to my best friend about it and I showed her what I wrote to him. She thinks that it’s weird that I am so open to him all the time, while he is not. And that it is a little impolite on his part not to respond. And she doesn’t think that it sounded crazy and that it’s good that I was so open about everything. And that I was being very clear. i feel a little bit calmer now.

It is true that it is not so polite of him not to respond… I will wait until writes again and not send another message again. And I will try to think about something else and not to worry so much.

But it also made me think: why am I so open about what I think, when he is not? I always get the feeling that I don’t know what he thinks. But maybe I’m also telling him too much about me and about my weak spots.

Today (before he wrote) I talked to my therapist about boundaries. She said maybe I open my doors to people and step over my own boundaries before they can do it. I don’t know what to think about it.

Regarding your question: I don’t think that sex is his sole decision to make. In theory I know a lot of things. But then, in practice, it’s hard to stick to my resolutions. I try to please people, make them happy. I even disregard my own wellbeing for them. Once I even had sex with K. shortly after my bladder infection. when I wasn’t feeling completely o.k. again. In hindsight I can’t understand myself. What am I so afraid of? We tried to discuss it in therapy today, but it’s hard for me to find an answer. Why do I always want to fulfill the expectations of others?

Maybe it has something to do with my parents disregarding my needs and wishes as a child…

I think that when it comes to sex, every party involved should have equal rights. Both can say no at any moment, even if they already got naked or have gone even further. In my opinion, it’s best to talk about everything before having sex. Talk about what you want or don’t want, about contraception, maybe even take an std test together. It’s best to get to know each other before having sex.

But in my two experiences with men I completely disregarded my values and rushed into it. Why?? I think with my ex, I first just wanted to try out what it is like to have sex. I was also worried about being almost 30 and having no romantic or sexual experiences. It was an experiment that went completely wrong. Maybe it was also some self- destructive tendencies. And this ex was also not the nicest person and used me…

Wit K. I understand myself even less. He always asked: “are you o.K.?” and said that he can wait. But still, my need to please another person was so strong that I ignored my own feelings.

I feel very confused and it’s probably confusing to read too! Sorry! Thank you for your patience and for your offer to help me understand things better.

Because I could never forgive myself, if he got sick because of me. Most of the time, herpes zoster doesn’t get so serious like in my case, but still…

Dear anita,

I don’t want to have sex with him after not seeing him in so long, regardless of the eye infection. I just wanted to let him know that I have this infection…. Maybe I should have told him when I met him. I didn’t think we would necessarily have sex, but maybe hug or something. He wanted to come and visit me, so we would have maybe ended up kissing. I am just very scared to infect him, and I would prefer to not see him or for him to think that I’m crazy than him getting sick because of me.

I realize now that it was definitely weird to write that…

Dear anita,

I hope I can find a way to make a contribution someday, but at the moment I’m still struggling to support myself. Sometimes I feel so useless 🙁

Today this guy (o.K. let’s call him K., because it seems weird to always write “this guy”) wrote and asked if we can meet tomorrow. I would like to meet him very much, but I also got an eye infection at the moment. Two years ago I had herpes zoster and my eye was affected too. Since then, it sometimes surfaces when I’m stressed. So I wrote him that and that I would love to meet him, but that I can’t shake his hand and we would better be careful. I wrote we could talk or go for a walk and explained the situation. And I also wrote, that I would understand if he doesn’t feel comfortable meeting me even though I would really like to see him. He didn’t respond and then went offline… Maybe he needs to think about how to respond?

Was it weird that I wrote that to him? I think it’s better to be honest and letting him know. Better than infecting him! But it might come off as very weird? Because I was sick very often when we were seeing each other last summer… I had a bladder infection and also lip herpes. The herpes thing has me very worried, because it got so serious in my case, I even had to go to the hospital two years ago. So I worry a lot about it. I’m a very anxious person, in therapy the provisional diagnosis was that I have avoidant personality disorder and a softer form of depression. I wonder if it has something to do with this illness and if I exaggerated?

But to be honest, it would be nice if he at least said something….

Dear anita,

sorry I didn’t reply earlier. I was busy and also I think I needed a break from analyzing my life so much.

I’m feeling better lately. For some weeks I was feeling really stressed and I think it was mainly because I wasn’t true to myself and offered something I didn’t really want. It made me think about my own behaviour a lot. I don’t want to do that again.

But at the moment it’s better. I’m drawing more, I’m drawing every day and I upload my stuff to instagram, so maybe I can connect with future clients or other artists… It’s a new form of procrastination though because I’m not working on my most important project for art school. I wanted to make a comic about my family history and myself and I got positive feedback from the professor and other students. But now I’m not sure if I really want to publish something about that and am a little stuck. But it’s better than before!

And I also did go to some sports classes and the choir again. Plus I asked the guy if he still wants to write or have contact with me. He said that the reason he didn’t write was because he was sick. Since then we are writing a little bit more.I’m trying not to worry so much about him anymore and see what happens. In any case, I think it’s better to talk to people directly instead of making up crazy fantasies in my head… I also talked with my therapist about this. She also said, like you, to better question my assumptions and see if there are other possible explanations and to check with the other person if possible.

I’m trying to help myself and I write down my goals and want to review them every week.

And how are you doing? Thank you for checking with me and for your help in this thread and the others!