Dear anita,

I can look for that meditation later. There is one called “listening and thoughts”. Maybe that is the one.

Today I was feeling a little bit better, more calm. After work, I went for a long walk. The bad thoughts still are there though. What I have started to notice lately is that all my negativity and anger is directed towards myself. Meanwhile I barely got angry at the two men that hurt me. Instead I tried to understand them. Even if I could feel the (emotional) pain they had caused me in my body. And with the first one especially, even after he had so obviously mistreated me. My therapist suggested that this was so i could feel in control of the situation, but I don’t completely understand it yet.

About not trusting myself. I am not sure, but it could be because my parents are so overprotective. My father is scared of everything and expects something bad to happen always and everywhere. I think I told you already about how my sister went for a on-the-job training to another city? My father was very worried and thought that the company was not to be trusted… My sister even said that maybe he thought it was related to the mafia… He sometimes has some crazy theories like that. And if not, he is definitely always listening and talking about bad news. And judging others harshly for their misbehaviour, while not being able to take criticism well himself. So I think I might have learned that fear-based thinking from him.

When there was a conflict, there was very little understanding and negotiating. It was more of a “his way or the highway” kind of situation. At the same time he also wasn’t consequent with his punishments. I think my parents, they didn’t know how to be parents. And at some point they kind of gave up, I think? And they left me and my siblings to ourselves. At least I know I didn’t have much guidance during my childhood and teenage years. But I also didn’t trust them and didn’t take them seriously after a while. We lived under the same roof, but we didn’t even eat together (when I was a teenager), because we all came home at different times. And I didn’t care for their opinions anymore (they were too narrow-minded).

And my father, like I told you before, he didn’t like me. At least, it felt like that. Once he said to me “You are a disgusting person, who hates herself”. Now I think, that he was maybe talking to himself there, not being happy with himself. So if you hear things like that, I guess it doesn’t exactly help with your self-confidence. I remember being unhappy as a child. So unhappy, that I thought about suicide even when I was younger than 12 years old.

And there were also those arguments with my sister, where she went to seek my father’s help. And as I remember it, he was always on her side. So my feelings were not respected or disregarded there. My feelings also were disregarded when it came to the religion issue. They had no understanding for my point of view, I was just supposed to fall in line and be a good presentable daughter of a pastor. Of course I understand that this was my father’s job, but they could have handled the situation better. They could have tried to understand me and put less pressure on me. There just was no way for me to find my own path…

Hm, I don’t know if that answers the question or if I rambled along for too long.

About shame. I don’t remember many examples of when I felt shame at a young age. I know I was overly sensitive. I was always scared for teachers to criticize me or call me out even in elementary school. And if it happened, it hurt more than it should.

The children in elementary school didn’t like me, I was always the weird one. They once called me “monster” (but the word in German is much more derogatory). And the teacher heard it. Even then I said to the teacher that it is no problem, because I didn’t want to be disliked more by my peers I think? So that pattern of minimizing the abuse of others is very old…

Once, when we visited my aunt, I got scared of her father in law. I said to my mother: “I am glad that I don’t have such a bad grandpa”. And my mother told it to my aunt and they laughed about it, and I felt very ashamed. I guess I got ashamed over little things. Somehow I cannot come up with a lot of examples.
One thing is for sure. The message I got from everywhere was: the way you are is not right. You shouldn’t be so shy, you should be more confident, you are too sensitive, you cry too much, you are too fat, not pretty enough, you shouldn’t get angry, you are not good enough in school… But there was not much guidance on how to deal with those things.

I still feel like I am complaining when I write about these things… But I think what you wrote earlier is true, that these experiences have shaped me and damaged me. And both of my siblings have problems too.

But I want my future to become better. I want to be at peace with myself one day. And make better decisions for myself.

Dear anita,

thank you for your help and always replying to me. Most people would only judge and look down on me.But you actually took the time to try to understand and help me. Really thank you!

Good to hear that your foot is better now! Hopefully the weather will get better too and you can go out for your daily walks again!

Today I also went for a walk by the river. It is a nice springlike day. I even collected some shells and the sounds of the waves reminded me of the ocean. At the moment, going for walks really helps me to calm myself down. I want to do such things that make me feel better. Now I want to study for a while and later go to Yoga class.

The idea of using guided meditations sounds good. I found some on youtube, I can try and see if there are helpful ones there. Or maybe there are some at the library or I can ask my therapist. Maybe she knows of something. Do you know how the author of those you used was called?

I am not scared of my own thoughts though. The thoughts of other people about me scare me. And I realize already, that it doesn’t make sense! For example, I am scared if one of my neighbours overheard something of my phone call with K. and now thinks badly of me. Because, of course I responded to the weird things he said, repeated some of those things in a question. It was a weird conversation and I was confused. But why do I care??? I don’t even know my neighbour, they don’t know me. Most likely they don’t care so much. And they don’t know the whole story. But I know that I have ended it, while he wanted to continue this. I know that honesty is very important to me, while he was not honest. I know that I had no bad intentions, that I only hoped to be with him… I know that I made mistakes (which were no doubt stupid), but that I really want to change and learn from those mistakes. But somehow the actual truth becomes less important than some supposed thoughts of a stranger.

What you wrote is true though, I need to learn to be no longer scared of their (imagined)  thoughts and judgements. For a start I try to do other things, occupy myself. But I am also hiding myself, which is likely not so good. Still, I feel a lot of shame for not making good choices and being naive…

But I also try to tell myself that I am still learning. I try to be more compassionate with myself. The problems I have, I have them because nobody was trying to understand me while I was growing up. Somehow there was this conclusion by grown ups that I am difficult and problematic. I did not fit into their narrow expectations and so I was judged. Of course, I don’t want to make this a lifelong excuse to rest on. I want to work to not make the same mistakes again and better myself. But it also explains why I might need some more time for everything compared to others… I want to be more patient with myself and not judge myself so much.

Dear anita,

I have no more regrets about ending it. And I don’t feel sorry for him or worry about him anymore. But I have other regrets. I am angry at myself for being so blind, for assisting him in mistreating me. For a long time I was very convinced, that he was honest. That there must be something wrong with me. But a good person wouldn’t treat you like this.

Sadly I have very little experience with men. For a long time, I wasn’t even able to speak to them. There was only the experience with the man in the dormitory. Other than that, no experiences. Compared to him, K. treated me better. But there was no high bar there…

For now, I will focus on myself. Not see any men. Hopefully I will feel better with time. I already started to feel better before he called me again. But I learned a lot during this call, so it was worth the pain. It brought me clarity!

From now on, I will observe people’s behavior better. It is my resolution to be on my own side more. Of course, still reflecting about my behavior, but try not to overdo this. Take on responsibility for my own mistakes, but not the mistakes of others. Not let people disrespect me. I have a lot to learn, but I think I took the first steps in the right direction with ending this… I also blocked him on social media and don’t want to hear of him ever again!

Regarding my flatmates: I usually want to be respectful and be nice to everyone. But sometimes I might overdo this, and then it will seem strange. And when I worry about what others think of me, always suspecting that they don’t like me, of course it will show. I get nervous and then I make them nervous or uncomfortable too. I am socially awkward. Social competences is another big thing I need to work on.

Most likely people don’t even think or care about my problems. Somehow I have this obsession with what others will think of me. The fears are very unrealistic! I find lots of reasons why others might be upset with me and many of them are not true to reality. Every little thing I do would be a reason for them to criticize me. Even things that I did not do! What if they thought this of me? Or that? This is how my mind often goes… It makes my life miserable. And people have their own problems to worry about, they likely don’t care about mine.

What helped me before was to go out more, do things that calm me down. To occupy my time with things that will improve my life. Go for a walk, meet a friend, work, study… Then I will think less and less about what others will think.

Your idea of writing parts of our conversation down could be helpful. Maybe I will make a list, or buy a notebook for this.

Hopefully I will make more and more progress. I want to change and better myself. At least I am self aware (I hope) and willing to learn.

Dear anita,

I am sorry to hear that your foot is not completely healed. But most likely it will be in the future, maybe it just takes time. So with this type of weather you can’t go for your daily walks? Here it is getting warmer, I even saw the first spring flowers already.

I think this girl must have heard me, she even looked at me. And I also saw her several times again and didn’t say anything to her again and she also didn’t say anything to me.

Sometimes I worry too much about every little thing. And I always look for the fault within myself, but actually it was this girl who behaved strange, not me. I never did anything bad to her or anyone at the dormitory. Only that I isolated myself a lot, but that is actually not their problem!

Somehow the mood is weird here, I feel like something is going on, but I have no clue what it is about. But most people still say hello normally to me. Maybe it is nothing or a problem that they have amongst their group. Best to not worry about it. But I also want to maybe find another place to live, where I will feel more comfortable.

What you wrote about value, that some people think that others are worth less than them, I don’t like such a way of thinking. If this girl truly thought like that, it would be the best to not get to know her better. In any case, it is impolite and unkind to ignore another person. So I’m better off not being in contact with her. I only say hello to be polite, to let the other person know that all is o.K. But if she doesn’t want that, I will let her be.

What I want is to try my best to be kind to everyone. No matter their status, job, background or anything. Of course, if they choose to be disrespectful to me, I have to draw the line there. I believe the same thing like you, that every person is equal. I am still learning to keep that balance,  in real life I will maybe still make mistakes. But I am now more aware of myself: I want to be kind, but not let others disrespect me.

I also want to do the thing that you suggested, to value myself. Too often I put myself down. For example, I make excuses for my art stuff, when showing it to my professor. Or I say that it was not so good etc. I need to stop this! It is not helping at all.

But somehow I am feeling like the change within me has already begun. Sometimes I feel unhappy, unhappier than before. But at the same time I feel hopeful that change is possible. I have a good feeling about my new therapist and also the conversations here with you have helped me.

Thank, you, anita!

Dear anita,

you are right. I guess with time I will be able to get over it, especially when there will be no new messages from him. Sometimes I try to understand others too much. But it’s useless. I should either ask them directly about their behaviour, or if they disrespect me repeatedly, let them go.

Dear anita,

I don’t know what to think of him, but I know he he made me feel. He made me feel like I was boring, not interesting, lazy, crazy, weird and worthless. Maybe it comes from my own insecurities, but I know my other friends don’t make me feel like that. In the future I don’t want to accept someone who has no time for me anymore. I want to say something if someone talks to others on the phone more than once while meeting me. I don’t want to accept it, that if someone says they will come to visit me now, they arrive one hour later because they have met their sister and had to talk to her. Nor do I ever want to have sex with someone again, if I just met them or don’t feel comfortable with them. I want to listen to my own gut feelings more. If I don’t feel comfortable with someone, there must be a reason for that.

The good thing after all of this is, that I am now seeing these things clearer. After my experience with that other guy, even though it was much worse, I still was confused, I still didn’t get it. In hindsight I think he has done much more damage to me than I realized. He took so much away from me, he was the first man I was with… But I think I am stronger than the two of them together and I don’t want to ever become like them! I want to treat others with respect, want to be honest and work on my problems. I don’t want to let others disrespect me anymore.

Yes, I want to move on. And now, after sending this message, he will hopefully not contact me anymore and distract me like he did before.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lily.