Dear anita,

thank you for your long response. And how are you? Is your leg doing better?

I think I have to stop to seek validation from outside and just become o.K. with myself. Deep down I know that I am o.K., that I am honest and that I have some other good qualities. But this fear of judgement is deeply ingrained inside of me and hard to overcome.

Next time I see my therapist, I will talk to her about it. About this core belief that I have and how to overcome it. I feel like I am already making some progress. Because of talking to her and to you too.

Yesterday I asked one of my floormates that I talked to before, if there was a problem. But she said that everything was o.K. and that people liked me. I almost started to cry and felt a bit embarrassed afterwards. But it helped me to feel a little better. If there was a problem, I would prefer to talk about it. Sometimes I fear that I seem too fragile, so people won’t tell me the truth. But probably I should stop to think so much and just accept if people tell me it is o.K.

I guess they really will not think so much about me. Unless I keep asking stupid questions again. At the moment, it is better for me to spend time alone, I think. I am more relaxed then. Better work and study instead of wasting my time with worrying so much.

You are right, I need to stop making assumptions too. Not assume that people will dislike me. I think if I am just being myself, without all the fear and self doubt, it will be o.K. And I should stop taking myself so seriously. People have their own problems to worry about.

Yes, I think I am reliving my childhood experience. but I think I have begun to understand things a little bit better lately.

Just in the past months, what happened with K. just stressed me a lot and weakened me. I hope that he stops contacting me now and if he does, I have to say no to him. Even though I liked him, but in the end, I don’t really know who he is. I never was part of his everyday life and we didn’t share our problems. The only thing I can do now is learn from this experience and take things a lot lot slower next time. And listen to my own feelings and speak up more. Also be more careful and observe more how the person behaves.

Yes, I was also suspecting that he did see other women after that one phone call where I threw away my phone. I probably should have realized sooner, but I was very convinced that he was honest. And I thought that he had just lost interest in me, because I am too difficult and that he just didn’t know how to end it.

When he asked me if I saw another man, I asked him back and absolutely didn’t expect something. But he answered “not in the same way as you.” Which is a very weird answer! But then again he said that it was all in his past and that he doesn’t have the time to date other women.

If he had a girlfriend, it makes me sick that I was part of something like cheating. It is not what I believe in and I don’t want to be involved in something like this. Next time, I have to be more careful. I was very naive…

Maybe I also shouldn’t have talked to him again after he already said all of these weird things. But his sweet talk confused me. And he said that it was all in his past… And I guess I deluded myself for a few days about a possible relationship…But I guess I am just not perfect.

But at least talking to him again gave me the opportunity to assert myself more and say no to him. I was also able to explain to him why I acted the way I acted, because I wanted him to understand me  better. Even if he maybe didn’t care, it made me feel a little bit better. And it was a better way to end it for me, instead of such an abrupt ending. Well, he didn’t address anything I wrote to him and wrote just a short message. Maybe because it was a bit too much, maybe because he doesn’t care.

With time, I will feel better without him. And maybe in a faraway future there will be a chance for a relationship. But right now I should try to work on myself and try to like myself.

Dear anita,

I went to the meeting and nobody accused me. I was very nervous and probably made the others uncomfortable. They were talking about missing objects, two missing knives. And I said that I had felt like they had suspected me and that it had made me feel uncomfortable (I don’t know, it’s maybe not the smartest thing to ask? It probably also made everyone uncomfortable…). But the one woman said that she asked everyone, the other also said that she had suspected everyone. Everything was o.K. and I relaxed a little.

People were friendly and even invited me or everyone to join their board game night… But if I were to go there, I would only make everyone uncomfortable I think.

Maybe I completely overreacted? But it was weird that I got asked twice about it. I still think that they must have talked about me. First there were weird looks and someone ignored me, then they were super-nice all of the sudden. But it’s probably understandable that they wonder about me, as I have isolated myself quite a bit.But it just makes me feel more uncomfortable… I don’t want to be noticed or be seen as different… Sometimes I wish I could just be invisible or non-existent!

After the renovations a lot of new people moved in and everything changed. People became more close and do more things together. I am not part of this, which is of course my fault. In the past months I was so overwhelmed with feelings of shame and guilt and wanted to be alone more. And so I became an outsider. I am not good with groups anyways! Never was I accepted in one… In school people called me “freak” and threw paper balls at me. Some boy told me what an ugly face I had, things like that… Or at the church choir and everywhere people disliked me.

It bis always the feeling of not being respected, not being good enough. But maybe a lot of it is in my own head! Why do I care what these strangers care anyways??? I wish I could stop thinking about it and just do my own thing.

In therapy we talked about something similar, like the thing with the manipulative crying. I think me expressing my feelings wasn’t encouraged. My parents wanted me to be a certain way and I should follow that. There was not much room for me finding my own voice. When I resisted, I was punished.

In my opinion , you could also deal differently with a child that sees the world differently than you. You could talk to it, ask questions, try to understand. But there was only judgement and I could not truly be myself around them.That is probably why I like to be alone so much. I can relax. I can be myself. I can be not perfect.

Maybe I feel responsible for everything that goes wrong because I was some sort of scapegoat in my family. I had this feeling that I was responsible for the problems in my family. Because I was different and difficult, because I didn’t accept my parents path, I was the problem.

But I don’t remember so many things where a dishonest intent of mine was assumed. But somehow there was the feeling that I was not o.K. the way I was. That I was somehow difficult, spoiled etc.

And I still feel like I am the problem everywhere. At work or at the dormitory.

Yes you are right, it feels like torture and I wished that I could become more o.K. with myself. I am sorry you had to go through this. It is not o.K. to make a child feel guilty like that for small mistakes. A grown up should truly know better! I too, feel very afraid to make mistakes and am far too perfectionistic.

I think it takes a lot of strength and willpower to face and overcome such bad beliefs about yourself. So you must be a very strong person.

About K. The things I wrote to him were my true feelings. That I should concentrate on my healing process at the moment and that I am not ready for a relationship right now. And that I lost my trust in him. On these grounds a healthy relationship cannot be established. So the reasonable thing is to let it be.

It is just, that I secretly want to be in a relationship and sometimes he showed me his affection. It is something that I miss. When we slept embracing each other closely, or when he was just laying his head on my knees and I was caressing his face, it is things like this that I am missing. I would have liked to be there for him. But I was too afraid to be truly myself, I was always nervous and feeling unworthy. He also kept his problems to himself.

Sometimes I worry that I have painted him in a too negative light in this thread? On the phone he said that he wanted to be in a true relationship now. And that he didn’t want to hide his problems away from me any longer. That he thought that true love would have never be possible for him again… And I don’t know if someone could lie so shamelessly??

But then, he told lies or some things just didn’t quite make sense. And that he doesn’t want his sister to know is also very weird (even though I would have been embarrassed and uncomfortable too to meet his friends and family. I am not good at such things. But to make it a secret?).

Hm, the best will be to let it be.Sometimes I get very sad and think that love will just not be possible for me. But then again, I have my best friend, that is truly there for me. My parents also try their best now to be supportive and understanding. There are the small things in life that truly make me happy… There is art and nature… Maybe I should just be more thankful for those things.

Dear anita,

I cannot think of anything wrong or bad, that I did to these people. Except for maybe being clumsy in social situations. But I am always polite, I don’t disturb anyone. And I certainly didn’t take anything away from anyone.

But I can understand, that I might seem suspicious and I am an outsider to their group.

My feelings of guilt and shame increased in the past months, because of the thing with K. And people might have noticed. But also, with him, is there really something to ashamed of? It is something that I tried and that didn’t work out. Of course, I didn’t always make the best decisions, but I am still learning.

The situation with this knife stressed me out a lot. And then I have a tendency to think crazy thoughts and to overreact completely. I wish I could stop feeling guilty for everything that goes wrong around me!

I don’t know if I can find the strength to go to this meeting.. I just want to have calmer times, where I can focus on my true problems.

Dear anita,

yes, I have to slowly work to build up the good habits that I want to establish in my life. Better start slowly and not go for huge projects like I have a tendency to do…

I try to remind myself that I didn’t do anything wrong. But there is also a voice inside of me that says: what if the food you took from the food sharing shelf wasn’t for you to take (I didn’t take so much)? What if you misunderstood everything and stole the food without knowing.

But I guess this is my irrational voice. I try to tell myself, that if someone puts something inside this shelf, they have to expect that someone will take it. They even made a poster saying “food sharing shelf”. And if there was a problem, they should make it clear to everyone and talk about it. Or put up another poster explaining the rules better… What do I know.

Anyways! I’m not touching anything from these people anymore!! I don’t even go to the community rooms very often and stopped cooking there.

But maybe I should go to the meeting. If they bring up the topic of stealing, should I then say that I have the feeling that they suspect me and that it makes me feel very uncomfortable? Or should I just listen and wait to hear what they will have to say?

Maybe they will say that I behave weirdly. That I seem to avoid the others and that I often prepare my food in my room (it just makes me feel more comfortable and relaxed when there is noone around….)

Then I could maybe say: I was not feeling so well during the last months and needed more time for myself. And that I am just a more private person. Also, I always prepared (cut vegetables etc.) my food in my room (I know it must seem very weird! But in the first dormitory I lived, I didn’t cook (and I love to cook!) at all, because of my fear of people… So this was a small progress…)

They could say that I seem nervous. And then I could answer: “I am just a more nervous and insecure person. That is my nature.”

They could say that I have an ikea knife, while the other person’s knife is missing. My answer could be: “I have lots of items from ikea, including a knife. I even borrowed it to one flatmate for her pumpkin soup. I am sorry that the flatmate lost her knife, but I don’t know where it is. I even searched my whole cupboard after the other flatmate asked me about it, to see if I had accidently taken it. But it wasn’t there.”

I think I will be already nervous just going to the meeting! And it will make me look more suspicious. But that is, of course, because I assume that they have been talking about me and because people asked weird questions and acted weirdly.

In the past months I think I got even more nervous, because of what happened with K. Before that, I wasn’t even so aware of my nervousness… But during those times my anxiety rose! I had my heart racing, which I had never experienced or noticed before… And of course others will have noticed that too… But I am starting to feel calmer again. And starting to be able to say no a little bit better, I feel.

Hopefully I can resolve the problem. Like I did with the Co Worker. But at work, people also know me a little bit better. And some also like me and appreciate my work (they even asked me to come back after a period where the company didn’t do so well, when it was doing better again). I don’t feel like I have allies at the dormitory… There are some people I sometimes talked to and that I like, but I was just too busy with my own problems in the past months and not ready to meet new people…

In any case, it will be best to find a new place to live and start over.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

thank you for advice. I took back those things. Last friday I just was in a very bad mood. One of my Co-workers made passive aggressive jokes again that made me feel so worthless. I almost started to cry at work and had suicidal thoughts on friday and saturday.

Then I had to think again about the question with the knife. And it got to me and I went a little bit crazy.

Next week is also a floor meeting again and I do not want to go. I don’t want more stress… That’s also why I avoided going into the community rooms the last days. I just don’t want my peace of mind to be disturbed again. But it will probably make me look more suspicious. Sadly my answers to her questions must have made me look already very suspicious.

Somehow I always seem to have issues in social situations. Maybe because I am socially awkward and don’t talk much. So people don’t understand. Maybe also because I don’t like myself much and put myself down, so others also don’t respect me.

You are right, thoughts can’t harm me. But I get very afraid of them. Even in my childhood I was very afraid of being judged. Probably because I heard a lot of mean comments at home and at school. But I am grown up now and people usually don’t dare to make such comments to adults (how sad that some would then think it is okay to treat kids in this way? Or to hit them? When they would never do this to an adult!).

I think I will read more positive books and such to fill my head with positive, inspirational thoughts. This will leave less room to the fearful thoughts. And I should also work on my drawings and my career, so then I will also feel better about myself. I now got into this mentoring programm and am thinking to show my future mentor some of my artwork when I first meet them. And I also want to tell them my plans on what I want to work on next and ask them for tips on how I can improve professionally.

On sunday I went out for a walk and then painted. It really helped to just go and do something despite not feeling good! I have to remind myself of this. And be a little bit more stricter with myself.

Last night I had an  idea for a graphic novel that I could use for my bachelor thesis. I could go into the library and start researching once a week, so then I can present my idea to my professor next autumn or in late summer. I think I have the artistic and intellectual abilities to make a good book. Just need to work on my discipline!

Dear anita,

I think I understood a few things better recently. Hopefully I can now make better decisions based on that in the future. But theory and praxis are still two different things… Maybe I just need a little bit longer than others, because I didn’t learn those lessons in my childhood and adolescense.

Yes, I need to remind myself that this is in the past and I shouldn’t bring these painful memories to the present again and again in my thoughts. I’m only tormenting myself with this.

Thank you for your helpful advice, as always.

Dear anita,

even as a child, I wasn’t very confident. I wanted very much to be confident and thought that being confident meant being loud and rebellious. So I tried to act like that, I even kind of took pride in having bad marks, to not been seen like a nerd. I was very confused and didn’t know that you can also be calm and confident at the same time.

But in my teenage years, I also was very afraid of boys. It seemed impossible to me that one could like me, When someone suggested that a calssmate was interested in me, it seemed so unrealistic that I thoght they were just making fun of me. But thinking back later I thought that maybe he could have been interested.

My teenage and childhood years have been very much consumed with my own personal religious war against my parents. I made fun of my parents with my friends. For example when my father proclaimed that one of my favorite TV shows was linked to a cult. Especially back then they were very close-minded with their religious beliefs, today it has improved a little bit. And I was more influenced by my friends and Televison, so I had a very different world view. They grew up in a completely different time (GDR) under very different circumstances (both grew up on a farm) and we couldn’t understand each other.

Sometimes I stood up to my parents. I told them that I didn’t want to go through with confirmation, but in the end I caved in. The same with religion class. At a certain age, you are supposed to choose freely between religion class and ethics class on your own. But I had to go to religion class, even though I didn’t want to. Sometimes I rebelled against them. I secretly watched forbidden TV shows, I hit them back when they hit me or told them that I hated them ( I am not proud of myself for that, but I was an angry child). Most of the time, I rebelled in secret, not openly. Often I also did what they wanted, but had negative and angry feelings about it.

I think as a teenager I was more convinced of myself. Then it didn’t go well with my career and my self-esteem became lower and lower. I was so afraid of the future and had existential fears from an early age on. Everybody was asking about what I was going to do with my life and I didn’t know the answer. I felt shame about being financially dependent on my parents still. And relatives also made such comments. Now I wish I would have just been a little bit more patient with myself.

As I grew older, I also became more understanding of my parents. I wanted to take on responsiblity for myself. Maybe I took it too far.

Also, I think in my early twenties, I think a shift in my thinking happened. One of my best friends didn’t call me or stay in contact anymore. She had been very important to me. Maybe it was just because we lived in different cities. But it hurt me very much. I wondered if I had shared too much about my problems with her. I made a vow not to be difficult anymore, to be nice in any case. Maybe it had something to do with this? Be friendly, don’t be negative is what I wanted to be. It took me a long time to find  a friend I truly cared for after our friendship had ended.

My recent experiences with men also didn’t help. The way that first man treated me, I think it hurt me a lot. Otherwise I would have probably not given in to have sex so easily with the second one. Because with the first one, I said no at first. I pushed him away at first. But he didn’t stop and then I gave up. There was resistance on my part, but it wasn’t strong enough. And this pattern happened over months. But of course, he is not the root of all my problems, I don’t think. But as a teenager, I always wanted to wait for the right one. But then, when I had waited for so long, I felt kind of left out and desperate and lonely and wanted to make my own experiences… But I found the worst person for that.

Overall, I am a living contradiction, I think. My emotional problems, they started as a child. I don’t think I was that confident. Only sometimes. And I think I was on my own side more. But also I was confused about how to behave, their was no real role model there…

I don’t quite understand myself sometimes. I think I still have that strong side in me though.