Dear anita,

I feel like this happens to me a lot, that I try to fix something and make it worse. I try to do the right thing and everything goes wrong. It is frustrating that I am so socially awkward. But I guess I haven’t learned some things yet. But this was also one of the reasons why I withdrew myself. Because I feel that I often make people uncomfortable. So better stay alone, to make no more mistakes. But it is also not a solution and made me unhappy with myself.

The rack is still useable, except for that one stick. Maybe I should just let it be then?

Dear anita,

yes, thank you for your advice. It just seemed to me that withdrawing myself further will not be a good idea. But to be polite and not bother people when they are busy is a good idea. Usually I try to be polite, but I also asked my roommates about the broken rack when they were eating, which was not so polite. And maybe not the best way to approach things.

About using property in the common areas, the new roommates already told me that they share their dishes. I would also let them use mine. But usually I wouldn’t take anybody’s things without asking, it was just that my laundry rack was used by someone else. And I thought it wouldn’t be a problem. Do you think it would be a good idea to stick a apology message to the rack, including some money for a new one? or is this awkward as well? I really didn’t mean any harm. Maybe I have to be more mindful in my interactions with people.

Dear anita,

hopefully everything will go better with the new roommates. Most of the time I am feeling better about myself, but at the dormitory, I still feel like a freak.

Yesterday, I did my laundry, and as somebody else had used my laundry rack, I took somebody elses. As I was putting up my laundry, I rested my hand too heavily on it and one of the sticks broke on one end :/ (Why does this have to happen exactly when I am borrowing someone elses rack? Why couldn’t it happen to my own one?)

I didn’t know what to do, but I wanted to inform someone, maybe pay for it. So I saw someone was in the community rooms and told them. But maybe also weirdly, and I did not say that I wanted to pay for it and didn’t find out who it belonged to. And it was probably exaggerated to tell someone anyways and maybe I disturbed them during their lunch…

I just feel like a horrible person while I am here. Like someone who only causes problems. It is because I didn’t communicate with the others and excluded myself. If I knew them better, I could have handled situations like this much better. At work, now I talk more to my colleagues and get along better with them. I feel more accepted and better there. And I started to like myself a little better again.

But here, it is too late to fix this. And I will hopefully move out soon anyways. I guess it is what is. The last year was just terrible for me and I didn’t handle a lot of things well. I went completely crazy and my insecurities got worse. But maybe I also learned some things.

Thinking back, I am unhappy with myself. I created a lot of problems.

But I am also trying to work on myself. Last week I met my mentor again and it made me feel more motivated. I have to work on all the ideas that I have. But sometimes I become too overwhelmed over where to start. Maybe I can start with smaller projects, like the article about the inner critic.

It is the best way for me to work on my projects, go outside or do sports instead of worrying.Soon I will move out, and start fresh. I really want to do better this time (but I am also worried about causing problems again).

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I plan to go to the forest. That usually relaxes me and makes me feel better.

Dear anita,

I do hope and I want to believe that I am making progress!

It seems that I might have found a new place to live. It would be nice to finally make progress in that area. Last week I met again with the two women and we talked and it wasn’t as hectic as last time. They seemed very friendly and I liked them. They are also very independent and don’t expect to spend too much time together. They also have clear rules for cleaning the apartment and I usually stick to plans like this. I feel like this could work out! Hopefully, it would be such a relief to have this settled!

Last weekend was also less lonely with my parents visit. I realize more and more that human contact is good for me. If I stay alone for too long, I get depressing thoughts. But the weekend with my parents was also a little stressful. So hopefully I can have a calmer weekend next week and also take a day for myself, which I wanted to do last weekend.

Yesterday something weird happened to me and I don’t know why I am even thinking about it. A women that saw me in the street told me that luck awaits me this year. She said that the last three years had been hard but that I had prayed for help recently and that a guardian angel heard me. That I was too good-natured, but that if I needed help, people break my back. She said that a “black knot” had been “put into my cradle” (that I was born with it) and that I am the third generation. That this comes from my family, from my great-grandmother. She wanted to have a cup of tea with me and tell me how to release this blockage. I said that I usually don’t believe in such things. She said “you don’t have to” said goodbye and walked away.

I don’t know why I am thinking about this or why I even listened to her for so long. It was oddly fascinating and some things seemed to make sense. Maybe she was a fortune teller and wanted to make some money. Or she belonged to some cult. Best not to get involved with such superstitious things, for the sake of my own mental health. It was very creepy. What a weird encounter!

What do you think about such things? Since my teenage years I was a proud atheist for a long time. But during the last years I sometimes was thinking that religion can have some benefits. People have something to hold onto. And they can find a community in their religious group. But I think that religion is truly not for me. It is one of my core attributes that I am not religious…

Dear anita,

the potential roommates didn’t respond yet. I went to the exhibition and I felt so alone there and I became sad. I wish I wasn’t like that and I wonder who would want to live with someone like that. Then I went home early, so I better don’t meet someone in this mood. Maybe I will go there again on another day, when it will be less crowded.

My best friend spends a lot of time with her boyfriend now… I feel lonely lately.

Best will be to focus on the good things. Today at work my Coworker told me that I have become a lot more secure with the new tasks (like answering the phone). And overall I feel better at work. Like I am o.K. there and accepted. I also try to improve myself.

In my class, I did also allright and I feel more focused on my goals. Today I met my mentor by accident on the street and it was nice seeing her.

I can do sports, I can paint to improve myself. I can work on my goals. I can try out a new hobby and maybe find some new friends. Best to do lots of things and not think too much. Today I fell back into my self-pitying mode, but it’s o.K. I think I am making slow progress.

Dear anita,

yes maybe it didn’t show up!

And yes, it were the people that I wrote about recently. They seemed on first impression like friendly, reasonable people. Two women in about my age. They said they also need some time for themselves, but they want to know their roommate. It sounds like it could be a quieter place to live and like they are more calmer people.

I was just a bit confused that we didn’t really sit down to talk so much and I thought they wouldn’t like me. Maybe I could ask them for another meeting, to get them to know a little bit better and maybe discuss everything.

Dear anita,

thank you! I want to start working on that zine next week, when I have more time. There are so many ideas that I have, I just have to realize them!

Yesterday, I think I presented myself as I was. I said that I need some time for myself. And I think it is what they want too. They seem to be working a lot, almost never being at home. But maybe I would be lonely there, maybe it would be like at the dormitory, where I don’t really know my roommates. And I don’t like the situation (that of course, I created myself, nevertheless, I am unhappy with it).

But I think I didn’t like the way it went yesterday. When meeting other potential roommates, we always sat down to get to know each other. But they only showed the flat and we talked shortly, while standing somewhat awkwardly in the room. It just didn’t feel homely and welcoming. Or maybe they just realized after a few minutes of meeting me that it wasn’t going to work.

Maybe I am just feeling particularily lonely today. My best friend is also spending lots of time with her new boyfriend at the moment and I isolated myself. I think I want to change that.

Today I saw an offer of 11 people living together in a house, where they also care for a garden together and spend time together. Maybe I am crazy, but I feel like writing them. I have always had the dream of growing my own food and maybe I could learn something living in a community like that. From reading their offer, I got that homely feeling. I don’t know, maybe I am just in a weird mood today… But what can happen, most likely they will ignore my message anyways or decide to live with someone else when we meet… Am I being crazy?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lily.