Dear anita,

group therapy could be very helpful. I will have to really step out of my comfort zone, but I know it could be very worth it. I don’t know if I can gather up the courage. But it could help to overcome my fears and improve my quality of life.

The train ride would be 5-7 hours, by bus maybe 8 or 9 hours. The gathering will be held at one day, there will be lunch and later coffee and cakes. It usually lasts from 12 am to about 5 or 6 pm.It is at a holiday, on Thursday, so I have to take a day off from work/uni.  We will eat at a restaurant everybody will sit at a table together and eat and talk, sometimes we go for a short walk (usually it is in small groups and I walk with my siblings and mother).

The gathering is something I dread every year. I am not very close to most of the people there. It is to celebrate my grandmothers birthday. I am not very close to my grandmother. We always lived in different places and I saw her maybe 3 or 4 times a year. And back then I used to spend most of the time with my cousin. My cousin and I are now estranged. She and her sister have her life together, they finished their studies, have a partner, a job, a child. Me and my siblings though, we are still figuring things out.

In the past, there was lots of comparison between my uncles daughters and me and my siblings. For example, school grades were compared or when my uncle talked about my cousin singing in the choir and having a great voice, my father had to point out how good we are at painting.

One year my godmother (who I barely know), said to me “I pray for you that you will someday find a man. You are also not so young anymore”. I guess she meant well and it is partly hilarious to me, but still..

I just feel like a total loser there. That I haven’t accomplished anything in life… I don’t want to answer questions about my studies from people who are complete strangers to me. Maybe I should relax more and then people would also accept me… Maybe I should be more open. I guess I also have a negative attitude…

I feel I have to go there, or my grandmother will be insulted or sad. When I didn’t come some years ago, it was taken as an offence.

O

Dear anita,

I am sorry that I am always pressing this issue. It is not so easy for me to understand or overcome.

Yesterday there was a dinner of the company I work with. And I felt very uncomfortable. Group gatherings, especially if you are sitting together and are expected to talk or group work, where you should discuss ideas, make me feel very anxious. I would really like to avoid such events… It would be easier for me if there was an activity involved, like board games or bowling, karaoke or whatever…

In such a situation I just would like to go away as soon as possible and hope for it to be over. And I hope that nobody talks to me and just that I appear not too strange…

It doesn’t mean that I don’t like the people there, infact I like my coworkers overall. But often I don’t know what to say and how to say it in front of everyone… Or I feel very embarrassed.

There is this one colleague that always makes some awkward jokes or comments (like, that he saw two of my coworkers “getting close” -or something- in the office of one of them) that I sometimes find a little inappropriate. He is probably not a bad person, but to be honest I find him a little creepy. He made some comments to me yesterday and I just didn’t know how to respond and didn’t understand everything he said either. So maybe I laughed awkwardly or had some other awkward reaction.

Then, the person who sat next to me went out for a smoke. And then this coworker was the one next to me. I went to the bathroom, but it was not because of this colleague, but because I had to go to the bathroom and also the situation overall made me feel nervous.

As the person who sat next to me went out for a second smoke he tried to start a conversation between me and the colleague who likes to joke. And this colleague then said “Lily always leaves for the bathroom when you go for a smoke” and something of the nature that I don’t want to talk to him. Then I talked some time with him and when the smoking colleague came back, he said “see, it wasn’t so bad, was it?”.

So this example shows that I make people uncomfortable or feel that I reject them. And I think something similar happened with my professor. I also felt uncomfortable when talking to him, because I was embarrassed of some of my drawings and didn’t know what to say. And some part of me also didn’t want to show my drawings or be in this class, because I feel more free if I just work by myself. Then I feel like I can experiment more, be less afraid. I even started to censor my sketchbooks when I started my studies, because eventually my professors would see them.

On the other hand, if I get feedback, I will likely improve more and this professor has a lot of knowledge. In his case, I truly had no awkward feelings towards him. I think that he really cares about his students and has a lot to teach.

I know I definitely worry too much about these things. My colleagues maybe have not even have thought too much about it. Maybe it truly is because of my parents, who were always critical of my behaviour. They had a strong idea of who I should be, and there was little room for my own wishes or mistakes. Plus, in school I also received negative feedback from my peers or not so good grades.

Maybe I should try to stop overanalyzing everything… But my mind is very hard to distract. Worries about my mistakes come up every day. And the thoughts I wrote down a few days ago when some people looked weirdly at me – it really made me realize that I don’t like this way of thinking. This is not the person I want to be.I don’t want to have so many distrustful thoughts and think more positively…

Yesterday some positive things also happened. One of the chefs who is now retiring said to me that they want to keep me and that she is happy that I am becoming more brave when working at the reception.So it was not all bad… And overall people were nice and I got to try some food I had never eaten before.

Also, thanks for your suggestion. I can ask my friends or therapist for the ways I come off, to understand things better.

I guess I sound selfish when complaining that he didn’t talk to me. When I read it, it sounds childish. I should be above this! I should not care… I should be cooler, not so dramatic. I wish it wouldn’t get to me so much! If only I stayed cool and didn’t almost cry last week. If only I was better at communication. I don’t like myself when I am like that…

Dear anita,

sometimes I need to remind myself, that others don’t think so much about me.So thank you for the reminder. I feel this intense shame and a feeling of being inappropriate, and if then somebody looks at me in a weird way, I feel even worse. But likely they don’t think so much about me. I myself don’t think so much about others mistakes (as you know I am too busy thinking about my own). Maybe something they say will annoy me, but I don’t think about it for too long. For example, this one colleague sometimes makes ignorant comments, that can make me feel angry. But he can also be very kind and friendly. And overall I like him, even though I don’t always agree with him.

I wish I could also forgive myself in that way and tell myself that it is o.K. to make mistakes. But somehow I think about possible mistakes for days, feeling very embarrassed of myself. On Thursday I got to spent time with my best friend, but I still couldn’t let go. Or yesterday I met my sister and I while in the train, I was drawing and I was happy with my drawings. And the day with my sister was also good, we went to the botanical garden and ate at an Indian restaurant. Everything was o.K. but my thoughts drag me down.

When these thoughts come up, I need to stop myself. Do something else, do sports, listen to music. My sister said that in her therapy they ate a chili at such an occasion… as some sort of distraction I think? If nothing else works, maybe I can try something like that.

I know you have told me before that others are not thinking so much about me. And it is true. It is not like I don’t value your input. Somehow I am too obsessed with others reactions. And this is very deeply rooted inside of me. I want to work on overcoming this way of thinking.

Dear anita,

taking walks outside always make me feel better too! Especially going to the forest for many hours. It’s so calming and relaxing! Especially now i autumn everything looks beautiful. I hope you felt better after your walk.

That my professor ignored me made me feel not so good. I almost cried and hope nobody noticed. I kept on painting and put on a fake smile to calm myself down. At the end of the class I felt more normal again.

But then I was thinking more about it and worried if I had done something wrong, of course. I was kind of confused, tense and uncomfortable when talking to him last week. I think I didn’t listen well enough to his suggestions. But it is not because I don’t care about his opinion, but because I was nervous and too hectic trying to show too many things at once. But maybe he thinks that I am arrogant… Often people who don’t know me well don’t understand me.

Then I felt ashamed of myself and like a crazy person. I don’t want to draw attention to myself…

Was my behaviour rude? Here are more details about what happened:

The conversation we had, I showed lots of things at once. And I felt confused myself. I wanted to share everything, but it was maybe too much. He made a suggestion of an artist one of my drawings reminded him of. I wrote down the name and said I will google it later. But he said you can google it now. Maybe I should have searched for the artist then, but somehow I didn’t.

Then we talked about the PC and I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded and said “uh-huh” several times. Maybe I didn’t even look at him, but at the Computer, I can’t remember. I am the worst at communication… Maybe it could have seemed like I am not interested in what he has to say?

In the afternoon class he talked for a while. But because my work was kind of stressful, I hadn’t slept the night before and I had to yawn lots of times. Then my phone rang (only vibration) and I turned it off. I guess I must have made a bad impression.

Later there was group work, which I am not good at. But I tried to say some things. But I made one suggestion and they said it was unrealistic. Then I said, “well we are just collecting ideas”. And they responded “oh yeah, so lets invite famous celebrity x….” (they were making fun of me) and so on (by the way, this week the same person suggested the thing I had said, but maybe she expressed herself better. Maybe I expressed my idea unclearly).

So when the professor came to our group later (maybe after listening to our conversation), he said, naming a few ideas, “this are the kind of ideas we are looking for”. And so I thought to myself, better say nothing anymore, before making more stupid suggestions. But this probably also made a bad impression.

Someday one assistant also said this professor is a “diva”. So maybe that’s why. I don’t know. Of course you are right, it is my automatic assumption that I made a mistake. My plan is to go to class next week and see what happens. If he ignores me again, I will ask him if he has time to take a look at my drawings. If he acts weirdly, I will ask if everything is o.K. If that doesn’t work, I will work on my project alone.

Anita, I will answer the rest of your post later. Last night I didn’t sleep well again and so I feel very tired at the moment. Maybe after sleeping I will feel calmer again.

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply!

It is definitely the healthiest way of thinking. That others are just dealing with their own issues, that I am not important. It would have helped me in the dormitory, if I hadn’t paid that much attention to people’s reactions. I could have saved myself a lot of worry and anxiety. The situation wouldn’t have escalated this far.

But at the same time, I know that I am socially awkward and can make others feel uncomfortable. And I know that people are not able to understand my behaviour and then seem to think badly of me… It happened at my work. But now it has gotten better, since I work more and people know me better.

My therapist said to me, that I seem very controlled and that she “can’t feel me” most of the time. Only recently, I have realized, that I am not in touch with my feelings.

For example, K. said to me that he was not feeling good or that everything is so easy for me. And I always said to him, that I am fine, so he could get this impression. And I felt guilty, that he was feeling so bad, while I was o.K. But I was not o.K., my anxiety grew bigger and bigger. I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I am crazy and I had heart palpitations (which hadn’t happened to me before). Somehow I focused so much on him and how I have hurt him, that I didn’t even realize that I was not feeling good. Or it didn’t seem important to me. What seemed important was, that I might have hurt him.

Well, I still worry that I might have hurt him. But I know that it has also hurt me very much, our interactions… But I am only angry at myself, not at him, still. I still feel guilty and confused about what happened with him.

The sad thing is, I tried to please him and was too afraid to do what I really wanted. I would have wanted to hold his hand or hug him for very long. I would have wanted to spend time with him, be there for him. But my thoughts were very warped. I tried to fulfill his expectations, but I didn’t even know what he wanted. In the end, I think we did things we both didn’t really want. And that is just so depressing.

Well, I know we were not a good match. It seems that we wanted different things. I just wish that we could have handled things better.

But I guess the only thing I can do now is to hope for him that he is doing well. And learn from the experience. To get to know a man very slowly is the most important lesson for me. And to also consider what I want, or a terrible mess will happen. And sex is also very difficult for me, so best take this very slowly as well.

I am sorry that I am still talking about this. But he is still very much on my mind. I was not the person I wanted to be with him. I was not the person I wanted to be last year in the dormitory.

Hopefully, I can start fresh now and learn from the experience.

Dear anita,

during the last weeks I did not hit myself again. But I still am feeling very anxious and am ashamed of my behaviour last year. I wish I would have confronted problems and talked to people, instead of hiding. And I also wish that I wouldn’t have taken such small things so personally.

But it is a good thing I moved out, because every little thing there scared me and I didn’t know how to react to people anymore. I didn’t know anymore, if I should say hello or not and how to behave. I felt more and more problematic and every little thing seemed to be a sign that they thought that I am a thief or difficult…

For example, the girl that ignored me attached the price tag of her new (expensive) shoes to her name plate, or she left her phone on the community corridor, but her door was open and it was plugged in at her own room. Such little things made me feel nervous, but there is probably a logical explanation to all of this. I think I went very crazy  and now I feel so ashamed. I want to learn to not take things personally!! And even if they thought badly of me, then it would be better for me to not think so much about it and do more productive things.

But I think it is going better in my new living situation. I even started to prepare my own food in the kitchen (instead of in my room) and sometimes eat there too, which I both never did in the dormitory. Maybe the dormitory is not for me and it is better for me to live with only few people instead of fifteen and people moving in and out constantly, bringing friends and family and lots of different people to get used to.

My new roommates are friendly and sometimes I talked to them when n the kitchen and I feel o.K. More like a normal person. Maybe we will even cook something together and they offered me to help paint my room. I feel like I am o.K. and not like some crazy lunatic!

Tomorrow I will also go to one of my friends cooking-get-togethers. Maybe it will be o.K., since there is an activity involved and then talking to people will be easier and less awkward. And this weekend I also am going to meet another friend to visit a festival.

And I also want to focus on my studies and not get distracted anymore! Last year I behaved like a person that I don’t want to be, but from now on, I hope I can slowly make progress!