Dear anita,

thank you for your post in my old thread! I read it and will reply tomorrow. Sometimes I know that I am just o.K. the way that I am, but when my thoughts become very negative, it becomes hard to remember!

Today I am feeling much better. I went to my therapist and she really helped me. For the first time in about two weeks, I am feeling more relaxed.

Later I went for a walk. I saw a Eurasian oystercatcher, which I had seen only once before. It’s such a strange bird with its long beak and it makes me laugh a little. It was such a nice and sunny day. People were ice skating on a small pond, lots were going for a walk.

At home, I cooked and cleaned my room and it took me too long. At least I worked for uni a bit today, for about two hours.

Then I talked to my new roommate and she seems to be a good person and very friendly. I like her and am feeling hopeful that we will get along well.

For tomorrow I want to draw and go for a walk again. Some yoga will also be good, as my back hurts.

See you tomorrow!

Dear anita,

today I again did the things I wanted to do! I studied for uni and later did some yoga (only a few minutes). Without the thread, I certainly would have skipped the yoga. I already was thinking about just sleeping/ lazing around… But then I thought that I could do a few minutes and it worked.

This makes me feel so much better! I just wonder, can I keep it up? I already fear that in a few days, or weeks I will go back to my old ways. But no, I say to myself that I can do it!

It’s also nice, that I can see that I can stabilize myself and my emotions by my own efforts. Even though it would be nice to talk to a friend. But when I talk to them, I will also be more balanced, so the quality of the relationship could improve.

And I actually talked to some family members today. Recently, I am becoming more connected to them. Now I regularly talk to my sister, sometimes my grandmother. Today even my aunt called. It feels nice. I want to work on improving my relationships with people. Answer their messages more quickly and be more mindful.  Unlike the mistakes, I made in the past…

For tomorrow I have pretty much the same goals as today: go for a walk and study for uni. It’s simple but it seems to work!

Thank you for reading and I’m glad you liked my thread name!

Dear anita,

I will still have to think of a name for the new thread.

The walk was nice, even if it was a gloomy day. Finally, I am starting to feel a little better! I should not forget how healing long walks in nature are for me.

During the walk, I thought about the future and I set a deadline for myself to finally finish my studies. This also made me feel more hopeful. After that maybe I could move away to a more rural area.

Later I managed to paint for a few hours! The idea with the accountability thread seems to work so far.

For tomorrow, I want to go for a walk again and paint and also clean the house. Maybe journal or read later.

Hope you have a good day!!

Dear anita,

so my plans for today went o.K. Only I still have to journal… The walk had calmed me a lot. But after a few hours, I am feeling anxious again. I am always ruminating and cannot stop.

For tomorrow, I am planning basically to do the same as today, but I will not have time for a walk.

Maybe tomorrow I will write a longer message!

Please take care!

Dear anita,

Hopefully it will help. I already felt a little better after posting my goals.

Do you think my thread has been harmful to others in the past? I really want to improve myself.

Dear anita,

thank you!

Dear anita,

thank you, I already feel better. Less tired.

The dormitory man was a strange man. The way that he treated me and the way he talked badly about others is enough to know that I do not want anything to do with him. I don’t want to accept such disrespect ever again. (He said that he fully respects me – what empty words…)

The problem was that I did not trust in myself at all. I was too worried to fulfill other people’s expectations. I knew what he had done to me, but I doubted myself when he rejected my objections. I did even doubt my own perception! How strange is that…

Feelings of guilt overcome me so easily… I wish I could stop that.

I want to leave these two relationships in the past. Somehow my head thinks again and again about what I have done wrong, what I have done to hurt them. Less with the dormitory man, because his behaviour was so obviously wrong.

K even told me that he had no reason to be angry at me. But now I get worried that meeting him was wrong… But I think I just tried my best. I had no intention to hurt him in any way. Maybe I haven’t found the right words, but it’s o.K. I am not perfect.

Best to focus on other things. I want to move on. In the next days I want to work on my goals. One thing I have made progress on is also that I now am more clear about what I want in life. I want a calm life, living close to nature, preferably at the countryside. If I cannot support myself with my drawings, I still want to pursue this in part time as my life purpose. Besides that I would like to spend time with a few close friends and family. For example, I would like to cook together with friends once in a while or make art or crafts together.There is also a hope or a meaningful relationship at some point, but I am unsure if this will happen.

Overall this year I want to focus on being more mindful. Maybe this will help me on becoming less distracted and finally becoming successful.

In 2020 it doesn’t feel like I have accomplished too many visible goals. But I think I have made progress in healing myself and building more confidence in myself. I think this can become a foundation to finally make more tangible changes.

What I am also proud of this year is that I have spent more time in nature. I learned a bit more about herbs and even tried out some recipes. I collected my own tea, made pesto, smoothies or pastry using wild plants. Also I went hiking with my mother and spent time at the forest and by the river. Next year I want to continue that and want to appreciate nature even more. Maybe I want to celebrate the seasons and eat seasonal food or watch which plants grow at which time…

Do you also make goals for the new year?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

I am sorry that you had to go through that! Nobody deserves to be mistreated like this! I wish that someone had taught me before that I was valuable and that I am allowed to say no. I wish that these things were talked about more in our society. I am thinking about these topics often, especially when the # metoo discussions came up. How many people have gone through similar things, getting hurt and then, on top of that, feeling shame?

At least now I have learnt to value myself and to have more compassion for myself. It was the thing that helped me. Other people having real compassion with me instead of looking down at me. You helped me in that journey! I am thankful for that.

We may have not have had a good first experience with men, but that doesn’t mean that it has to end this way. You are happily married, aren’t you? I am not willing to give up. I am not dead yet…

I do not wish to give men like the man from the dormitory that much power over me. In reality he was only an insecure man, unable to self-reflect. He actually thought that he was being so nice to me? It confused me a lot. Which woman would like that sort of treatment? I cannot imagine one!

You are right that his culture also plays a role. But I don’t know if what he did would be applauded where he comes from. Or seen as normal? I do not want to generalize too much. What I saw was that for him his behaviour was normal, which is so shocking. He even acted as if I was hurting him, when I did not do what he wanted. Well, he was just a disturbed person!

About my father: yes he does seem to be very self-critical as well. He would probably benefit from therapy as well, but I doubt that he will do it. He is now the only person in my family who didn’t go to therapy. Being not open to new experiences and people at all, he has become a very lonely person.

Your walk sounds good, I am a bit jealous of you for actually having snow. Maybe tomorrow I will have to motivate myself to go out for a walk. It will make me feel better.

Thank you for your Christmas messages! I too wish you a very merry Christmas!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Lily.