All good points. I’m finding the therapy helping a little bit and trying to read up on abandonment and past pain issues.

My ex breaking up with me was yeah the same really. I knew she had been bi in the past and she never denied that. She also was very promiscuous and slept with a bunch of people and when we first dated obviously we were very passionate and then it tapered off once we got married. Which was kind of a red flag. At late 20’s shouldn’t have been like that really. On top of all the other people she slept with just fine. Very confusing and hurts (I know I shouldn’t hold on to the ego thing) but my ego in terms of aren’t I better than all those other people ? And yeah my Dad the same thing. Why wouldn’t you go to counseling or talk to someone if you’re unhappy instead of breakup everything in a crappy way.  Gets to the point where I do gestures or say things a way that my Dad does and it just hurts now. All the stuff that I did with my wife, I still eat the same meals etc. All the memories. Feel like I want a reset. Can I just start over without all this stuff that’s influenced me for the last 31 years. I know you say I’m not the one who gets to feel bad, but its still painful and I feel bad that I need to change. Still torn between well why should I have to do all of this because other people screwed me over.

Should I just not every worry about anything because its always going to be either better or worse. People are going to do what they’re going to do so I shouldn’t attach very much at all? I didn’t do that with my marriage, didn’t have one foot out the door or looking for something else, maybe I should? I’ve never really related to my Dad, should I just leave it where it is ? The not knowing who I am is just making me doubt that I’m going to make the right decision about these things. Having someone else to ground past decisions on made it well more grounded. Did what my Dad said to keep the peace and avoid conflict. Did what my Wife wanted for the same reasons and because I felt guilty about having to subject her to living with my parents for 6 months when we first moved to Canada and her not being able to work for a year and a half. So I helped her with starting her photography business and then once shes self sufficient shes now lesbian and left.

Don’t really feel like I ever want to put whatever I am in that position again.

Just wish I could extend that to the other ‘worries’.

That my parent’s divorce is going to get messy and I’m going to get dragged in. Then that i’m going to have to go through my own divorce as well. (I never even though growing up anyone would want to marry me and now I’m getting divorced at 31). I’m worried that my ex has already moved on now that she doesn’t have me and our relationship keeping her trapped in a falsehood. That I’m not going to find anyone who I relate to as much as her. We won’t have the history and it just wont be enough, that I won’t be enough for someone.

Worried i’m losing it everyday when the reality just keeps hitting. I get distracted by work for a bit or when I first wake up in the morning. I’m convinced a huge part of me just doesn’t want to get over this, feels too big.

I’m trying to view it that way but its hard. My Ex always used to chastise me for worrying about the future or assuming that something would go wrong. Then when It did, I at least felt a bit prepared for it. I guess I couldn’t have prepared for her coming out and then leaving me.

Just not sure what accepting that looks like yet. Just have to say ‘better luck next time’ I guess ?

I keep thinking that I want stepping stones or markers out of this thing. I told myself and others that i needed to meet up with her to have a sort of letting go ritual. So that I could almost get permission from her to let go. (This was when we met for a drink and chat 3 months ago, she told me she had already had a fling and slept with a random woman and was doing all these new life things). When we would have celebrated our anniversary I took some old photos and what i had been writing down the last few months and a letter I wrote her to the park and burnt them up. Now I’m looking for the next stepping stone out. But I think I’m just kidding myself with all of that. She clearly doesn’t need anything, she just moved on without looking back it seems.

I’m scared I’m regressing back to what it was before. When we met 8 years ago it felt like I had finally been found what I was missing. It was different obviously in early 20s to now, but feel like a lot of me was just our relationship and she was always just herself and changed and made little concessions but was still herself.

I’d never felt right or ‘seen’ growing up. Even though I have a fairly good job and have family and friends (although my parent marriage has now also imploded) I don’t feel normal or enough. The one person who actually saw me and liked me enough to want to spend her life with me is gone now.

Thank you both again.

I know i’m idealising everything right now as it was so important to me.

No relationship is perfect but it was as close to perfect as I had known so far. But I don’t know yet how much of that was making concessions to keep the piece. Both of our experiences of our parent’s marriages were of fighting and screaming matches, so we did a lot to avoid that in our relationship.

We were also different types of people (I know opposites attract to some degree). She was always very confident with people and was quite promiscuous and had some drinking issues as well which came up. She would challenge me to be more confident which is what I’ve needed for a long time. But she would also go a bit too far in chastising me for being negative about a situation ahead of time, or my not being confident enough to sing or dance like she would. (despite me saying that a lot of my childhood had had given me that issue) I don’t know it doesn’t seem like a big deal now in the grand scheme of things but when you want your person to understand and they don’t its frustrating sometimes.

I don’t know If I felt disapproved of or hurt, but maybe more just misunderstood. She would have a lack of confidence sometimes about her photography business but I don’t know how much of that was phishing for compliments sometimes.  I would support her and not give a judgement.