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Luke

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)
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  • in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #328479
    Luke
    Participant

    Not exactly unhappy with the responses just, everyone has biases or places they come from with experience. Was just wondering where you were coming from angle -wise. Thank you for taking the time to respond I do appreciate it.

    Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year too.

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #328275
    Luke
    Participant

    1. I do have a fear of his anger, I’ve also had other anger which I’ve had directed at me from other sources as well growing up. Just this time. I had literally had it, my wife had just left me and my Dad had betrayed what I feel are pretty easy principles to keep to. I was telling my therapist before I went down to see them that It could easily go either way and she told me to have a plan in place in-case he got aggressive. My grandmother was also visiting at the time and was present which also probably curtailed his normal reactions.

    I didn’t scold him like a child I told him how I was feeling and what I felt led up to the events. I know in comparison to not speaking up for myself I guess that seems like I’m reversing the roles. What would have been my alternative. Just let it go and just be like’ Oh it doesn’t matter that you cheated on your wife, there there.’

    2. Why would I not empathize with my Mother. I said to both of them that they have no idea on how to communicate with each other, never have. That my Mum has a victim complex due to her childhood and that he has issues with dealing with women due to how he inherited his Father’s world outlook. I know that there are two sides to it, but what you suggesting is nearly victim blaming no? Like oh my Mother must have done something to drive him to do it. Does he not have responsibility for his actions in it? She also didn’t belittle him and was the one trying to keep it all together, she forgave him enough to go to counseling which he didn’t want to put the effort into.

    I don’t know how to feel about it. There’s probably a way this goes with all the millions of people this happens to. I just feel like I’m not getting any of this across.

    May I ask your experience in terms of psychology/counseling?

     

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #328021
    Luke
    Participant

    He hasn’t to my knowledge actually hit my Mum. He has threatened to throw her through a window apparently when they had one of their regular arguments. I’m sure he would if the outcome wouldn’t be his children never seeing him again. I just don’t understand how that level of anger is ‘normal’ to them. Even my Sister was defending it as just how some couples deal with each other. There was very little other end of the spectrum, Never really heard him say he loved her. Only bought flowers when he had to and fulfilled his obligations. Has never seemed like he even likes her.

    I also don’t understand why he is this way when his Dad was the same. He apparently had to get in-between his parents when his Dad would get aggressive. When I blew up at him I mentioned that he just doesn’t have the emotional vocabulary to deal with other people in a decent way. When he doesn’t get his way or even if he feels like its not going his way. He’ll shout everyone down to get his way. Which obviously he’s paid for with all his work. I just don’t understand why he would even have a family if he resents having to work so hard to the point where he’s laying into people all the time. He can be chill sometimes but he’s very quick with an I told you so if it turns out you make a mistake that he warned you about. There’s not much room to make your own mistakes.

    I guess I also had similar with my Ex where I wasn’t able to contradict anything or counteract something without her telling me I was restricting her. The words ‘I told you so’ would never have gotten half way out of my mouth.

    I think for Christmas I’ll just keep the peace for my Sister and Mum’s sake. Everything else I’ll just have to play by eye I guess. Just not having much trust in myself. Everyone else seems to have a lot more experience manipulating people than I do. Feel like I can get taken advantage of more easily than others.

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #327773
    Luke
    Participant

    1. I know my parent’s relationship is really none of my business and if they we’re having issues and decided to go to counselling for their issues and then broke up that’s fair enough. But cheating on my mother, telling her and us a bunch of lies. Insulting my Mother by going behind her back. I’m angry about that, he could have gone about it all in a different not as destructive way.

    2.  He has actually been to some therapy. Shouldn’t we try to address some of the issues that we all have. I’ve been to therapy for my issues and the injuries I’ve taken from my breakup and his recent injuries. What happened i’m fairly sure is from him not dealing with things the right way stuff that just sits bottled up until it erupts. It kind of stands to reason that he should see a professional to learn how to deal with things like a normal person. Or should we just keep going along like it always has and then the next thing happens.

    3. I know he worked a lot for us. Does that become a good reason to hurt your own family? I’m not sure what amount of pain equals the amount of work. 30 years equals the right to cheat on your wife and lie to your family. Does he still have some stuff saved up. What if they stayed together and he felt like he had accrued enough years to be validated in hitting my Mum. I personally would have just preferred they never had me if there was always going to be a price to be paid. I’m going to be the one supporting them in retirement anyway so I guess that’s the payment.

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #327579
    Luke
    Participant

    I guess the peace in between the eruptions. There’s been so many that I don’t want to rock the boat even more. But i’m still torn between that and wanting to avoid the pain. I guess everyone spends their life wanting to be seen/heard/understood.

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #327547
    Luke
    Participant

    I feel like we have always just been making do, going through the motions. There’s other families that function well, have huge business empires or just have an understanding with each other at least and are happy. I feel like everyone has something that they’re neglecting or have wanted and have just had to make do with the situation. I’ve never known my Dad to be ‘Happy’ He has plenty of hobbies and interests. None with my Mum, or with any of us. I have been the one to try and insert myself in them. But i’ve never been good with music, he plays Bass guitar, I’m not good at bike riding, he used to do mountain bike races in the past. I’m an artist and he is a good illustrator so in the past we’ve shared that. But he was never really into Movies as much as me, we would go to a movie on the odd occasion but he would say he always falls asleep so he doesn’t want to go. I’ve made efforts in the last few years to got to car shows with him and at Christmas I had everyone put $50 in a pot for us to do a group thing during the year, like go rafting together.

    My Mum has always been interested in Writing and reads a lot. I’m into writing and have my own (getting nowhere fast half finished screenplays and short stores). She wrote a short kids book about 10 years ago. But didn’t really do much with it. When she was going through her cancer treatment. I took the book and formatted it, painted illustrations for the cover and inside and got it printed and put it on amazon for her for Christmas. She loved it but, why wouldn’t she have tried to do that herself. It feels like I’m amongst these volcanic islands that sometimes erupt and I get the shock-waves all the time. I have never had an eruption myself.

    My Sister has had issues in the past, although none really her fault. She had an abusive ex-finance she was with in the UK while my parents, my ex and I moved to Canada. She had surgery during that time and also a bad car accident and I know my parents felt very helpless. As did I. When the relationship ended she reluctantly at first moved to Canada. She has since found that she has liked it and found friends and a boyfriend currently. Although she still has the effects of PTSD from the ex-fiance.  Which a few years ago resulted in a suicide attempt. She has since been doing a bit better.

    I did what was expected of me, went to college. Not into construction like my Dad was, he didn’t want that for me. He told me to get into money and computers. So I sent to college for CG Animation. I ended up becoming a VFX artist for TV commercials when we moved to Toronto form the UK. I met my Ex just after college and she came with to Toronto. They weren’t overly happy that I’d married a non-British person and they were a little bit racist towards her Lithuanian ways. I’m sure they’re glad now that she’s left me. They probably think they get their son back now. Feel like they only see me as a 12 year old and want to put my drawings up on the fridge.

    Feels like a waste, all the drama seems to take up time and effort that could have been better spent. I know my Ex saw it as being a lot worse than it was because they didn’t like her too much. They seem to have an idea of the way things should be and don’t want to deviate at all. Despite now being grown up and living in another country and the world changing a lot quicker nowadays as it does. Feels like I have to pretend that everything is okay to keep the peace.

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #327509
    Luke
    Participant

    Feel like I’ve lost a lot of connection this year with my Wife leaving and my Dad’s betrayal. Although my friends have helped a lot and I feel closer to my workmates who are like my second family. When all this happened months ago my therapist said that i’m going to have to almost get by on less essentially. Not going to be able to give 100% and have patience that i’m not going to have the energy and strength that I did before. I think i’m just going to have to apply that from now on. I’ve definitely overextended into others in the past and not received it back from certain people. Although my Sister and other family seems to think that it can be covered by as you say the necessities of life from my Dad. But whenever I’m there I just feel odd, we’ll sit in the living room and watch TV and we’re just getting by and not really there.  Feel like I want to just take off to the mountains sometimes.

    in reply to: How to deal with my Dad cheating #327461
    Luke
    Participant

    Inky

    I’m not sure how much of it was clumsiness and just him not knowing what to do and it all just erupting like this. I have a feeling he wanted out for a long time and just kept going with everything as ‘Normal’. I know I’l probably have to just grin and bear it for my Mum and Sister but just always seems to be a thing in our family of not talking about something until it becomes a huge matter, everyone gets upset and then it blows over and goes back to ‘normal’. Having been dumped by my wife and betrayed by my Dad i’m not really wanting ‘normal’ anymore.

    Anita,

    I know I need to set boundaries now. I’m not wanting to be hurt by people anymore. I’d rather just not be around them. My sister and other family always makes the point that he has always worked hard for us and given us a lot. Which I get but at what point does that give him the right to have been angry at us for stupid stuff in the past or be able to sneak around behind everyone’s back and insult my Mother and the family the way he did. He messages me at least once a month saying he’s thinking of me and to let him know if i need anything. I know he just wants a way to go back to normal. I’m sure he will try to give me a bunch of money or stuff for Christmas. Despite me yelling at him that I never wanted stuff I just wanted a connection. Which I’m not sure he knows how to do just thinks that providing for the family and be able to pay for everything is enough.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #321615
    Luke
    Participant

    I guess so. I’m trying to see things more for how they are. When you’re in the midst of everything you don’t rationalize in the same way. Also are petrified that they are going to leave you as well. I’d always had a beggars can’t be choosers view of it, in that If someone has finally committed to marrying me and moving across from the UK with me I can forgive some behaviour that isn’t ideal. Still not feeling confident that I will find that again. Although she has fully jumped ship I’m still having a part of me wish I could wake up and have it all back to ‘normal’. Also still feeling like, how bad was our situation that she had to do it in such an abrupt way. She already kind of had a place ready to go. She said she thought that I would just kick her out at the moment of her coming out so I guess thats what she was thinking at the time. Keep feeling that there’s also something that I did wrong.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #321413
    Luke
    Participant

    I don’t think either of us saw it as an open marriage thing. She just wanted to let loose and blow off steam and that’s how she did it. She came from an Eastern European background and College Years in the UK which often involves a lot of drinking and partying. Is how it was either presented or how I was accepting it I guess.

    She had a big deal with me suggesting she not do anything. I wasn’t really able to ask her to do or not do anything without an accusation of trying to control her or a situation. Even if It was to her benefit. She would ask my opinion every now and again, but I never felt like it was of value and maybe she was just fishing for compliments in some cases. To not seem like a grouch or like I was trying to control her, I didn’t speak up about things like that. It never ended well. I’d get a bit passive aggressive sometimes and withdraw when I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. She upset me a lot when she took herself off to NewYork over Christmas because her Parent’s divorce made her hate Christmas and she didn’t want to celebrate it anymore. She wanted me to go with her but my parents had just moved into a new house and I wanted to spend Christmas with my family and not run and hide in NewYork. She said she was grateful that I understood the situation, but I don’t actually fully understand the mindset there.

    Feel like I have been gliding past a bunch of stuff in life and not really understood things as they are.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #321153
    Luke
    Participant

    Well, no. But what am I going to do say she can’t go out with her friends? I don’t have the right to do that. Whenever I said anything about it from a protective angle like. ‘hey, maybe don’t drink too much cause you might not know where you are or someone might take advantage of you’ It was met with accusations of me trying to control her. When I said about the guy grinding on her that letting the guy do it meant that he thinks its okay and that it might have been dangerous if he then followed her somewhere. She said I was worrying over nothing because nothing happened. Feel like sometimes she got her fun going out and being herself and her security from me and that’s all she needed from me.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #321137
    Luke
    Participant

    I don’t know how to feel I guess. She was always the easy going, happy go lucky person and I was the sturdy reliable guy trying to keep it together. She would always say I need to be freer and just let go. I would be the one trying to insert some realism into a situation or try to avoid drama or upset. Just feel like maybe I should have been more like her. Now that its gone, I feel like I’ve messed up a big part of my life.

    I don’t think she ever cheated on me. Nothing really suggests that she would have. She was always busy and there isn’t a time that she didn’t have an explanation for.  She would go out with her friends a few nights a month to go dancing and drinking and would come home in a bad way in the early morning. She would say that that they sometimes ended up in random people’s apartments and when they’d start doing drugs she’d leave. One time she showed me a video of them all dancing in a club and a random guy was grinding in her and she was just laughing saying ‘ this guy wouldn’t leave me alone, we just kept moving away and he’d follow’ When I’d say to her, ‘why wouldn’t you tell him off or tell security you’re feeling uncomfortable’ She just blew it off as a guy being gross in the club.

    During the breakup, I asked why now?, whats special about now? She said nothing, she just was certain and felt like she was lying by omission. So she talked to her lesbian friend and she said that she should just tell me. But she was also saying that she needed to do it before something happened, she said she was jealous of her lesbian friends and she was worried that she would end up cheating on me. Like my Dad did to my Mum.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #321123
    Luke
    Participant

    I guess so. I don’t know if its a low opinion of her because she is being promiscuous.

    Or a feeling of missing out for me. Because I never had the confidence that she had/has in that area of just being able to interact with random people in that way. Whereas I am more dubious and unsure of myself when it comes to that. I have expressed that to her in the past, that I feel like I missed out on those experiences at that age in comparison with her. But also expressed that its always quality over quantity for me.

    I think I’m just angry that she’s able to get over that aspect of our relationship so easily when I’m definitely not able to just go to a bar and pick someone up or jump on tinder. I don’t feel that’s the right way to deal with a relationship ending.  Makes me feel like I wasn’t that big of a deal.

    I don’t know whats going on in her head, I’m not sure If I ever have known sometimes. Or that maybe she doesn’t know whats going on with herself sometimes.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #321109
    Luke
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think you’re miss-understanding what I’m saying and also who I am as a person. I don’t have a low opinion of her and even when she revealed to me when we started dating that she had these experiences. Also are everyone’s personalities solidified in their late teens ? I’d hope not, people age and change as they go depending on the situation. That would in fact mean I would have been very insensitive at the time to be like “No I don’t want a relationship with you, you’ll always be that way”.

    I didn’t have a judgement in terms of orientation. I’ve never judged anyone on their orientation, I have close family and friends who are gay. The point I was making is that the prior information I had, validated what she is saying. When she came out to me and we we’re both crying she kept saying that she was ‘ born broken and wasn’t right’. I in the midst of breaking up comforted and consoled her and told her that there is nothing wrong with her. In subsequent meetings I told her that it is a separate thing from our relationship and that I don’t think she should feel shame or anything about it. I also bought her a pride shirt when pride festivities were happening.

    So saying,

    “In accordance to your presentation of her, I will not be surprised if she lied to you when she said that she is now a lesbian, using this lie as an excuse to divorce you. ”

    Actually feels quite hurtful and un-called for. I don’t think she would go to the lengths of lying to me her family and friends that she is a lesbian if she just wanted to get out of the marriage.

    in reply to: Who Am I ? #320971
    Luke
    Participant

    ” But in your recent post here you wrote: “I knew she had been bi in the past and she never denied that”. So she is bisexual, not homosexual. And you knew about it a long time ago, before you married her perhaps.”‘

    When she broke up with me she stated that she is now Lesbian not straight or  Bi, she doesn’t feel anything for men anymore. I just knew that the component of her having done things with women was present before is what I meant. In terms of her promiscuity. This was in her late teens. I’m sure a lot of people have that as their late teens and then go onto have long serious relationships. I was never like that cause I had a hard time convincing girls to go out with me and I didn’t have a lot of that experience when I was younger due to a lot of insecurity. I’m sure her’s was based on insecurity too just at the other end of the spectrum where she was able to say and do the right things to get people into bed with her. I knew of her promiscuity and such because she told me and also that before we dated she had two long term relationships as well. I can’t really be faulted for thinking that it was just a late teens kind of behaviour right ? I was also having the insecurity of ‘ Hey, someone finally wants me lets not let go of this relationship’.  Which I understand now is something I should have been mindful of but when you spend the whole of your life up to that point being ignored and feeling like an outcast. The someone finally gets you and wants to be with you, you can put a lot of blinkers on to keep it going. But as I say to my mind, her past was in the past and she was now in a monogamous straight marriage.

    The thing about my Dad was just that I say things, or motion in certain ways or have a way of saying things that I have inherited from my Dad that are essentially just shadows of him in me. I feel like I should shed all of that stuff.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)