1. I do have a fear of his anger, I’ve also had other anger which I’ve had directed at me from other sources as well growing up. Just this time. I had literally had it, my wife had just left me and my Dad had betrayed what I feel are pretty easy principles to keep to. I was telling my therapist before I went down to see them that It could easily go either way and she told me to have a plan in place in-case he got aggressive. My grandmother was also visiting at the time and was present which also probably curtailed his normal reactions.

I didn’t scold him like a child I told him how I was feeling and what I felt led up to the events. I know in comparison to not speaking up for myself I guess that seems like I’m reversing the roles. What would have been my alternative. Just let it go and just be like’ Oh it doesn’t matter that you cheated on your wife, there there.’

2. Why would I not empathize with my Mother. I said to both of them that they have no idea on how to communicate with each other, never have. That my Mum has a victim complex due to her childhood and that he has issues with dealing with women due to how he inherited his Father’s world outlook. I know that there are two sides to it, but what you suggesting is nearly victim blaming no? Like oh my Mother must have done something to drive him to do it. Does he not have responsibility for his actions in it? She also didn’t belittle him and was the one trying to keep it all together, she forgave him enough to go to counseling which he didn’t want to put the effort into.

I don’t know how to feel about it. There’s probably a way this goes with all the millions of people this happens to. I just feel like I’m not getting any of this across.

May I ask your experience in terms of psychology/counseling?

1. I know my parent’s relationship is really none of my business and if they we’re having issues and decided to go to counselling for their issues and then broke up that’s fair enough. But cheating on my mother, telling her and us a bunch of lies. Insulting my Mother by going behind her back. I’m angry about that, he could have gone about it all in a different not as destructive way.

2.  He has actually been to some therapy. Shouldn’t we try to address some of the issues that we all have. I’ve been to therapy for my issues and the injuries I’ve taken from my breakup and his recent injuries. What happened i’m fairly sure is from him not dealing with things the right way stuff that just sits bottled up until it erupts. It kind of stands to reason that he should see a professional to learn how to deal with things like a normal person. Or should we just keep going along like it always has and then the next thing happens.

3. I know he worked a lot for us. Does that become a good reason to hurt your own family? I’m not sure what amount of pain equals the amount of work. 30 years equals the right to cheat on your wife and lie to your family. Does he still have some stuff saved up. What if they stayed together and he felt like he had accrued enough years to be validated in hitting my Mum. I personally would have just preferred they never had me if there was always going to be a price to be paid. I’m going to be the one supporting them in retirement anyway so I guess that’s the payment.

I feel like we have always just been making do, going through the motions. There’s other families that function well, have huge business empires or just have an understanding with each other at least and are happy. I feel like everyone has something that they’re neglecting or have wanted and have just had to make do with the situation. I’ve never known my Dad to be ‘Happy’ He has plenty of hobbies and interests. None with my Mum, or with any of us. I have been the one to try and insert myself in them. But i’ve never been good with music, he plays Bass guitar, I’m not good at bike riding, he used to do mountain bike races in the past. I’m an artist and he is a good illustrator so in the past we’ve shared that. But he was never really into Movies as much as me, we would go to a movie on the odd occasion but he would say he always falls asleep so he doesn’t want to go. I’ve made efforts in the last few years to got to car shows with him and at Christmas I had everyone put $50 in a pot for us to do a group thing during the year, like go rafting together.

My Mum has always been interested in Writing and reads a lot. I’m into writing and have my own (getting nowhere fast half finished screenplays and short stores). She wrote a short kids book about 10 years ago. But didn’t really do much with it. When she was going through her cancer treatment. I took the book and formatted it, painted illustrations for the cover and inside and got it printed and put it on amazon for her for Christmas. She loved it but, why wouldn’t she have tried to do that herself. It feels like I’m amongst these volcanic islands that sometimes erupt and I get the shock-waves all the time. I have never had an eruption myself.

My Sister has had issues in the past, although none really her fault. She had an abusive ex-finance she was with in the UK while my parents, my ex and I moved to Canada. She had surgery during that time and also a bad car accident and I know my parents felt very helpless. As did I. When the relationship ended she reluctantly at first moved to Canada. She has since found that she has liked it and found friends and a boyfriend currently. Although she still has the effects of PTSD from the ex-fiance.  Which a few years ago resulted in a suicide attempt. She has since been doing a bit better.

I did what was expected of me, went to college. Not into construction like my Dad was, he didn’t want that for me. He told me to get into money and computers. So I sent to college for CG Animation. I ended up becoming a VFX artist for TV commercials when we moved to Toronto form the UK. I met my Ex just after college and she came with to Toronto. They weren’t overly happy that I’d married a non-British person and they were a little bit racist towards her Lithuanian ways. I’m sure they’re glad now that she’s left me. They probably think they get their son back now. Feel like they only see me as a 12 year old and want to put my drawings up on the fridge.

Feels like a waste, all the drama seems to take up time and effort that could have been better spent. I know my Ex saw it as being a lot worse than it was because they didn’t like her too much. They seem to have an idea of the way things should be and don’t want to deviate at all. Despite now being grown up and living in another country and the world changing a lot quicker nowadays as it does. Feels like I have to pretend that everything is okay to keep the peace.

Inky

I’m not sure how much of it was clumsiness and just him not knowing what to do and it all just erupting like this. I have a feeling he wanted out for a long time and just kept going with everything as ‘Normal’. I know I’l probably have to just grin and bear it for my Mum and Sister but just always seems to be a thing in our family of not talking about something until it becomes a huge matter, everyone gets upset and then it blows over and goes back to ‘normal’. Having been dumped by my wife and betrayed by my Dad i’m not really wanting ‘normal’ anymore.

Anita,

I know I need to set boundaries now. I’m not wanting to be hurt by people anymore. I’d rather just not be around them. My sister and other family always makes the point that he has always worked hard for us and given us a lot. Which I get but at what point does that give him the right to have been angry at us for stupid stuff in the past or be able to sneak around behind everyone’s back and insult my Mother and the family the way he did. He messages me at least once a month saying he’s thinking of me and to let him know if i need anything. I know he just wants a way to go back to normal. I’m sure he will try to give me a bunch of money or stuff for Christmas. Despite me yelling at him that I never wanted stuff I just wanted a connection. Which I’m not sure he knows how to do just thinks that providing for the family and be able to pay for everything is enough.

I don’t think either of us saw it as an open marriage thing. She just wanted to let loose and blow off steam and that’s how she did it. She came from an Eastern European background and College Years in the UK which often involves a lot of drinking and partying. Is how it was either presented or how I was accepting it I guess.

She had a big deal with me suggesting she not do anything. I wasn’t really able to ask her to do or not do anything without an accusation of trying to control her or a situation. Even if It was to her benefit. She would ask my opinion every now and again, but I never felt like it was of value and maybe she was just fishing for compliments in some cases. To not seem like a grouch or like I was trying to control her, I didn’t speak up about things like that. It never ended well. I’d get a bit passive aggressive sometimes and withdraw when I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. She upset me a lot when she took herself off to NewYork over Christmas because her Parent’s divorce made her hate Christmas and she didn’t want to celebrate it anymore. She wanted me to go with her but my parents had just moved into a new house and I wanted to spend Christmas with my family and not run and hide in NewYork. She said she was grateful that I understood the situation, but I don’t actually fully understand the mindset there.

Feel like I have been gliding past a bunch of stuff in life and not really understood things as they are.

I don’t know how to feel I guess. She was always the easy going, happy go lucky person and I was the sturdy reliable guy trying to keep it together. She would always say I need to be freer and just let go. I would be the one trying to insert some realism into a situation or try to avoid drama or upset. Just feel like maybe I should have been more like her. Now that its gone, I feel like I’ve messed up a big part of my life.

I don’t think she ever cheated on me. Nothing really suggests that she would have. She was always busy and there isn’t a time that she didn’t have an explanation for.  She would go out with her friends a few nights a month to go dancing and drinking and would come home in a bad way in the early morning. She would say that that they sometimes ended up in random people’s apartments and when they’d start doing drugs she’d leave. One time she showed me a video of them all dancing in a club and a random guy was grinding in her and she was just laughing saying ‘ this guy wouldn’t leave me alone, we just kept moving away and he’d follow’ When I’d say to her, ‘why wouldn’t you tell him off or tell security you’re feeling uncomfortable’ She just blew it off as a guy being gross in the club.

During the breakup, I asked why now?, whats special about now? She said nothing, she just was certain and felt like she was lying by omission. So she talked to her lesbian friend and she said that she should just tell me. But she was also saying that she needed to do it before something happened, she said she was jealous of her lesbian friends and she was worried that she would end up cheating on me. Like my Dad did to my Mum.

Anita,

I think you’re miss-understanding what I’m saying and also who I am as a person. I don’t have a low opinion of her and even when she revealed to me when we started dating that she had these experiences. Also are everyone’s personalities solidified in their late teens ? I’d hope not, people age and change as they go depending on the situation. That would in fact mean I would have been very insensitive at the time to be like “No I don’t want a relationship with you, you’ll always be that way”.

I didn’t have a judgement in terms of orientation. I’ve never judged anyone on their orientation, I have close family and friends who are gay. The point I was making is that the prior information I had, validated what she is saying. When she came out to me and we we’re both crying she kept saying that she was ‘ born broken and wasn’t right’. I in the midst of breaking up comforted and consoled her and told her that there is nothing wrong with her. In subsequent meetings I told her that it is a separate thing from our relationship and that I don’t think she should feel shame or anything about it. I also bought her a pride shirt when pride festivities were happening.

So saying,

“In accordance to your presentation of her, I will not be surprised if she lied to you when she said that she is now a lesbian, using this lie as an excuse to divorce you. ”

Actually feels quite hurtful and un-called for. I don’t think she would go to the lengths of lying to me her family and friends that she is a lesbian if she just wanted to get out of the marriage.