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luckyfoxParticipantHi,
I’m sorry you’ve been through this, I hope to add some insight.
You can still love someone & their behaviour can be unkind. This can be changed. But also you can love someone & not see their full personality. This cannot be changed.
Personally I find this behaviour of ‘ghosting’ or ignoring someone rude & personally I’m not willing to accept it in my life.
Many years ago I was getting to know someone for 6 months & after a short time he did similar. It turned out it was nothing to do with me & it was all to do with his confidence. From a smart handsome man who treated me kindly & with respect suddenly came someone who vanished off the face of the earth.
I said at the start I’m sorry you’re going through this. But for me, it was a huge learning curve so I am so happy I went through it. I learned I wouldn’t be treated with disrespect & if someone was willing to treat me like this at the start of the relationship then I deserved better.
Someone who loves you will treat you with the respect you deserve. But no one will respect your boundaries & give you that respect unless you do first.
Take care.
luckyfoxParticipantHi Sadpeach,
Sorry to hear this has happened. I’m a fitness instructor and nutritionist so I’d like to offer some help.
Myfitnesspal is great at keep track of what we consume. It gives great insight into what we are eating and what it contains. With a lot of clients I’ve found that when they stop using it, it can turn to bingeing.
Using the app, you do restrict your intake so having some time can help reset the control v suprize element the brain loves.
Do you think it would help if you tried something like that 80/20 rule so you could have both controlled calorie intake & indulge in small amounts?
Whenever I see a pattern like this it’s always about the bigger picture. Sometimes eating can get out of control when we feel too under control in another situation.
Hope this helps.
luckyfoxParticipantHey Shannon,
I’m a fitness instructor & nutritionist. I can totally empathise because I was the same years ago before I got into this industry. It was a cycle of sugar & caffeine for me & I just couldn’t get off the bad habits train.
A great idea might be to go see your doctor and speak to them about your situation. Depending on how bad it’s taken over there could be a medical reason your body craves so much sugar. If not maybe they can help advise what it’s doing to your system.
It really helped me to know what was going on, on the inside and gain a bit of info.
Hope this helps.
luckyfoxParticipantHi Pearce,
From my outside view on your text, it would appear you have answered your own question.
Mindfulness
1. The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
“their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition”
2. A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.Mindfulness for me is never more than simply being aware or concious of your present state. By recognising the old self habits, you are mindful of this. Instead of my fears of the past or anxiety of the future I bring awareness back to the present and everything else is lessons to help me.
It’s like if you practice deep breathing and the mind monkey starts reminding you to pay the gas bill. I make a mental note of it’s importance and let it go so I can focus back to my breathing.
Hope this helps.
luckyfoxParticipantThe first thoughts to me are, what do you actually want from a relationship? I have to give a bit of tough love. You have explained being so focused on her needs, her emotional growth and her pathology. What about yours? It’s normal to have certain hopes but this relationship seems to have been focused on someone else. When you got to know this person did you know what you actually wanted from a relationship, regardless of where she was at? Was there any possibility of your needs being met at the start or did you know then there was a good chance it couldn’t work.
I honestly feel this is a huge lesson for you. Nothing bad can come of this, you may not have the outcome you hoped for but what if this wakes you up to exactly what your needs are, what you need in a relationship, you work on those and you find the person you are much more suited with. What if all of this teaches you how to be more honest and upfront about what you want and you end up in the happiest relationship of your life.
It may not be where your head is right now but I have found I’ve learned from every relationship I have been in. Her intimacy issues and decisions have no bearing on what is right for you. There may be aspects of this person you liked but what you need to look at is why you were in this situation with this person. What did it give you to ‘help’ her overcome her barriers, why did you chose to be with a person you knew had emotional issues. I don’t know you but in my own life experience everything stems from an earlier experience. I had a lot of expectations put on me at a young age to ‘help’ people who couldn’t help themselves. I’ve got into relationships and situations and even friendships where I was a ‘need’ for the person. I didn’t feel worthy of a genuine, mutual connection. What could this relationship teach you? If you choose to put yourself in this dynamic or not to realise what you need to change/learn it most likely will happen again and please know, this is then your choice. You will be choosing this same pattern and this same and maybe worse pain.
I hope you have found some peace xxluckyfoxParticipantI honestly don’t think you need to lower your expectations, if this is what you need, this is what you need, you just need to come to terms with the fact it needs to come from you. Being in a relationship you can hope for certain aspects, like; affections, kindness and thoughtfulness etc but you have to be able to give this to yourself in the first instance.
If your partner wanted you to make her a perfect hot chocolate exactly the way she wanted without any instruction it would be near impossible to do. To have this knowledge means it reinforces an inner belief, no one can make me the perfect hot chocolate. Who do you really want this comfort from, where has it been missing in your past? This is where it stems from and the route of your true expectation. As an adult I have had to learn what I need and give it to myself. Sometimes I need to watch a sad film to cry or go to the top of the hill and scream or give myself a warm bubbly bath. As simple and perhaps unpleasing as these may be to you, these give me comfort. If I want outside help I need to fully explore inside help first because without this knowledge I can’t tell someone else how to help me. If i’m tired I’ve learned to tell my partner ‘I’m tired’ and ‘Please can I talk to you/please can you help me with this’. When that person says ‘What do you need’ you need to know this. From what you have said, you want unconditional love, real love. If your partner behaved in a similar manner would you feel open to express your love? Why have these behaviours become habit, when have they worked in the past to get what you want? The main question is where does this negative state originate and where in your history have you learned it is ok to dump it on anyone? Who taught you this? Could this stem from a fear of abandonment?
My honest feeling is although you have been together for a long time, people change and right now you need to explore your pathology, not hers. Once you can connect with this inner struggle as said above so beautifully, the explanation makes no difference, asking for a head rub or a cuddle when you need one becomes the focus. She may not know how to diffuse your anger but giving a hug is easy when asked for xI hope since the start of this post you have found peace xx
luckyfoxParticipantHi Januaryblossoms,
First of all, thank you for your share, it can’t have been easy to talk about and it’s great you can express yourself openly.
My concern in the first instance is for you. How are you feeling about everything that happened? How have you been looking after you? Without you being ok, everything that is important to you doesn’t work properly. If you are not ok it affects everything else. Do you feel safe? Secure and happy in yourself, regardless of everything else? After all if this relationship was to work, regardless of your partner, you need to be the best version of yourself to be a true participant in the new version of the relationship. Once this is established, once you have come to terms with what’s happened, you never forget the past, it becomes a lesson. His actions were not your choice but you did make choices which is why you were in that situation. Sometimes couples work best with a variation of a relationship that works for them; long distance, separate houses, even an open relationship. As different as these options may seem, to restart a relationship that hasn’t worked in the past, changes have to be made or the likely hood is mistakes could happen again.
To get past what has happened I find it useful to find meaning in it. To move forward I need to recognise the lesson and believe me every relationship I have experience I can say has been a lesson. I know what I want now, who I want to share my time with and what I am prepared to give too. The main lesson in any difficult situation has been ‘What does this teach me’. Abuse teaches me I deserve better but this better has to 100% come from myself first. Unhappiness teaches me I have to find out what makes me happy first and give that to myself first too.
Expectations are the thief of joy. If you expected your hairdresser to give you the perfect cut and style each time, it may be something you would like but can you see how unrealistic and unfair it would be to put that expectation on them. Do you expect the lady in the coffee shop to always say ‘have a nice day’, or it ruins the experience? Same in a relationship. If someone is expecting something from you that doesn’t come naturally, it breads resentment and tension. Normally you hope with a haircut that your hair will be cut as similar to how you request in a professional manner. Normally you may hope in a relationship for; trust, kindness, affection etc. What do you hope for in a relationship? What do you need as this wasn’t given in this relationship previously. Work out what you need and then work out if the other person knows this is what you need. Can they provide this, do you even want this from them?
Other peoples choices, decision making and hopes are not in your control, yours are. 100% take care of yourself first. I hope this helps and you have peace in your life at this difficult time xx -
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