Hi Anita,

I do actually agree with you. That is what a best friend should ideally mean. And, many a times I do tell her things directly and she understands. Though, in this respect, I have wanted to tell her directly many a times about my requirement of my own space. But, since I know her quite well, I do understand her reasons for coming to me so often and I also realise that she cares for me way too much. I might express my disagreements to her over things we discuss, our differences in opinion are quite a few though it has never affected our friendship in even the minutest way. But, well, this is one thing about which I have thought of confronting her over often, but have eventually chickened out at the idea. She may not mind other things, but there is a possibility of her getting very hurt and I know she means well all the time and don’t want her to be hurt. Perhaps, my fears are unfounded. Perhaps, it is only a shortcoming on my part. I am some what non-confrontational by nature. And she’s a bit of a conventional kind of person and in our culture telling someone to not come to you house (room, in my case) can be considered rude. Also, my friend being a people’s person does not get the concept of alone time, which I being an introvert need very generously.

The reason I advised to let things be cleared out between flat-mates is because I hardly ever face such issues with my room-mates for the simple reason that I have maintained a strict distinction between friends and room-mates. I don’t hang out with people I live with. I share a very warm relationship with my room-mates and somehow I find it easier to be even brutally honest with them. I’m not saying that they don’t get hurt. Perhaps they do, but I feel when the other person isn’t very close to you and there aren’t too many emotions in the way, pragmatism works a little more easily, and I do speak strictly for myself. So, even when I know that my room-mate probably did not quite take my words very well, she will get over it soon, because at the end of the day there’s no fear of a relationship getting bruised. That’s solely my point of view.

Also, my subtle messages have worked a bit and she does understand my need of space and is slowly mending her ways. Though, I may have to tell her things directly some day. Though a part of me hopes that the day never arrives and things get sorted earlier, but if at all it must happen, I would eventually have to figure out the politest possible way of putting this across. Even people closest to us sometimes do get hurt by things that we do or say, isn’t it? I’m only trying to avoid that!

Hi jgold,

I can absolutely relate to your situation. I live in a hostel and my best friend (who is not my roommate) comes knocking often and even though she’s one of the most caring people I’ve known, sometimes her visits are so long that it ends up feeding on a lot of my productive time and I have been looking for a solution to this problem for quite a while. Though I have not been able to solve this problem completely, what I do these days (and, it works sometimes) that whenever I’m doing something and she comes for a chat, I talk to her and between a line or two try getting back to what I was doing earlier, which subtly sends across the message that I was ACTUALLY doing something important. Or I just keep bringing up my work or yawn and just subtly try to tell her that I need my time. I have avoided any confrontation with her simply because she’s my best friend and I don’t want to hurt her feelings (she might not be able to take the truth in her stride). But, since you’re facing this problem with your flat-mate with whom you have to live, I think it would be a nice idea to tell her directly about your need of space. Hope this helps!

Good luck,
Kaushambi

Way to go, Chelsea! I’m sure you have a great future ahead of you. The most satisfying thing to do is to follow your heart and not worry about what the world thinks. Those who love you will always stick around, no matter what. All the best for this new beginning! 🙂