Thank you all for these replies. They are helpful in keeping things in perspective. I do believe we rely too much on each other, which isn’t healthy. He’s visiting family now, but I’m going to talk to him when he returns. I think he is using drinking as a way to numb his fears and the “boredom” of life (his phrase), I’m just not sure he would ever cut back. His father is also a heavy drinker, so the currents of that habit run deep.

The thing that gets me most of all is the lack of communication about these topics (I think they are inherently all related) – he’d rather joke around than address these issues head-on and I haven’t been brave enough to seriously push the issue past the uncomfortable joking stage or tell him that I’m leaving if we can’t at least talk about these topics (right now he just says I’m nagging him and shuts down and won’t have a dialogue about it – but I don’t bring it up that much – once or twice am month. I think he just wants to be left alone, but it’s obviously upsetting me as I felt the need to ask help/advice on the forum).

I think he’s turning a blind eye to his desires and just doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. So he’s just sort of stalled, running in place. He doesn’t necessarily believe in inner peace or meditation, but he says hiking is how he calms his mind, and I understand that, but I don’t want to marry this lost soul and live a comfortable lie which relies on alcohol almost every day to numb the senses (even if it’s just to get that buzz so your’e not bored).

Then again, a part of me wonders if this is what life is. And I will never meet a sweet guy that I like ever again (because he IS sweet…as long as we both bury our heads in the sand and don’t talk about the above).

Meanwhile, I am slowly disengaging and doing more things that I love, trying to create balance in my life again.

The way I see it, I have my current body for another 50-70 years if I’m healthy, and maybe not even then if I’m not, or if I cross paths with something that cuts this body’s shelf-life short. I want to be engaging the world around me and experiencing life (and he says he wants to experience life too, he’s just too broke to do anything now). Hopefully after talking to him about what I want in a life partner we will come to an understanding, but if not…I hope I’m brave enough to walk away.