For me codependency has been very real. I am slowly (this year) letting go and learning my way out of my co dependent relationship. Which is extremely difficult given the fact that we still live together. Being co dependent is horrific. It makes you physically ill from emotions and feelings. Who knew. My codependency is with an alcoholic and drug user. I would literally make myself so physically sick with worry and having to take care of him in every way possible that I could no longer function as myself. I took it upon myself after my therapist looked at me and she told me: “As a therapist I could recommend millions of ways and things to help you, but as a woman, as a person, as a friend I could tell you this. You are going to kill yourself doing this to yourself. Your son is going to be a depressed and anxious boy if you continue to submit yourself to this. Get a grip on life and start the process of letting go. You want to be with this man, fine. But it has to be different, it has to change. YOU have to change.” Those words drilled into my head like nothing else ever had. I looked at my son that day when I got home and hugged him so tight. My heart broke to realize the damage I was doing to him. So I got a grip on life. I took every tool that I had been given by my therapist, books, meetings, whatever, and finally put it to use. I started attending Nar Anon meetings and it changed my life. Sure I still struggle but boy have I come a long way in just a few months. You have to know that you cant help people. Especially those that cannot help themselves. I know my story is not the same as yours but I can associate with what you are feeling. I can only suggest to continue your meetings. They are wonderful and so very helpful. It has changed my life around when I didn’t think anything else could.

Hi there tiny butterfly. As I read your story I couldn’t help but envision myself in the same way. I have been (and still am) in a relationship that has changed my core. I never used to cry for everything. Now I have become so broken and sensitive that I cry for every emotion that I feel. Sometimes that can be a very bad thing (for me). I feel that I no longer have control of those emotions, and that this strong woman that I once was is no longer here. I cry when im angry, sad, confused, etc. I have gone through A LOT with my guy of 6 years. And I mean A LOT. I too have come to the desperate point of getting so angry and things he did at one point and enraged that I hit him. I never ever thought that I could be even capable of doing that to anyone. But I did. And I feel terrible with myself for letting his actions get me so worked up and out of control that it drove me to that point. That’s not the person I wanted to be. We broke up for about 9 months, separated, moved away from each other (we lived together), and we got back together (and moved back in together) in March. Things have been…hard. But I have made the choice to work on things and so has he. We have a child together, so it makes things different. I have also made the choice to work on myself. That is what I suggest to you. You need to go searching for the new you. You will never get that old you back. That person has had trauma happen in her life. I say trauma because what you have gone through has changed YOU. But you can build yourself back up. I say write down the things you treasured the most about yourself and try you hardest to tap into those things again. Maybe at this point in life you will have learned a lot about yourself from these relationships. For example, who you do NOT want to be. Also writing is so therapeutic. You can lose yourself in writing close the entire world out and just literally take your thoughts and put them on paper. It’s like talking, but to your notebook. When I find I am going through a moment, or I feel a bad thing coming on, I go to my notebook and take a deep breath. Writing what I am feeling at that exact moment is like having someone listening to me (when I don’t have anyone to talk to). Try it and let us know how it goes 🙂

@blaice As you may know (or maybe you don’t) people that have had (or currently have) drug problems tend to (literally) disappear. For hours, days, weeks even. This has happened in our relationship…on various occasions, not recently since we got back together but in the past. One thing that stuck with me on the very first time I experienced this and as I was crying my eyes out and pretty much going into hysteria, were the words of my brother. He said to me: Wherever he is, is where he wants to be right now. God those words stick with me till this day. I don’t just apply those exact words to everything, but the message that he was trying to give me was that, whatever he was doing, he was doing because he wanted to do it, wherever he was at the moment, he was there because he wanted to be there. I didn’t understand that at first (since I was drowning in my own tears), but I later understood that this man had a mind of his own and made his own decisions, good or bad. It had nothing to do with me or with what I wanted or needed from him. It had to do with his own selfish being.

The next few times that he did this “disappearing act” of course those words from my brother flew right out the window, but I don’t think that I questioned the ‘why” is he doing this? I knew exactly why, it was because he wanted to. This of course, brought up more of the angry feeling out of me because I couldn’t understand why (again with the why), after me being (in my mind) such a great person to him, why out of nowhere could he put me through this? It was, as you said in your response to my post, simple. Because he did not want to be this good person (for that present moment). It’s this “truth” that I still struggle with today. I try to stop asking myself “why”? My oldest sister has also contributed her thoughts and told me that I don’t need closure. That I can give myself “my own” closure. Pick a reason out of a hat and that’s it. You’ve got your own closure. She told me :” If that’s not good enough for you, then you are going to make yourself hurt, and it would be your own fault this time”. It’s true! Why can’t we just take any reason and take it as our key to move on from the problem at hand? Why can’t we accept the “reason” given by those that hurt us and move on? I have the answer to that one. Because the reasons given are never EVER going to be good enough reason for the pain we have gone through. I have had to literally MAKE myself believe that “it is what it is”. As I write those words I laugh because I have always hated it when people say that! But I must say that it’s the only way I can stop my over analytical (as you mentioned) thoughts and just breathe, try to communicate to him the best way I can and have been doing, and only hope that he receives that as me trying to understand him and not trying to attack him (which will only lead to him NOT wanting to talk and just leave).

That’s what I have learned. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with this, and still have to deal with this everyday. But I do feel like it get’s easier. With places like Tiny Buddha and people like you that are willing to help me and help each other by sharing, advising, and just plain talking about our experiences helps immensely.

Tracy, you are right. I know that it will all either come together and i will be able to forget about all this and move on with our relationship or…not. Thank you for your words, and i hope that you continue on Tiny Buddha. It has really saved me in more ways than one 🙂

Hi Ashley… let me tell you that i too share somewhat of how you feel about friendships. Ive had many friends and for one reason or another i end up cutting them off completely out of my life. Completely. Ask me how many friends i have today? I am 28 years old. Ive lived in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Tampa…etc. I should have many friends! But the reality and the sad truth is… i have 2 friends. These 2 friends of mine live more than 400 miles away from me. We don’t talk much, we don’t text or email much either. But these are the only 2 people i can call my friends. Other people have let me down in one way or another. Someone once told me “Don’t ever expect 100% out of people, you will never get it and that’s when the disappointment happens”. I always said that i would always give 100% to a friend, always be there, never fail. But im only human and so is everyone else. So when people let me down, didn’t come through on things or disappointed me, i took it personal and to heart and completely X’d them out of my life, never speaking to them again. But then i asked myself one day, could i be there for a friend at a drop of a hat? No. So i have tried my best to change my thoughts and learn how to not take things “personal”. It’s been much better for me in my new relationships. My story isn’t the same as yours but i can relate to not being able to find that “attachment” if you will. And Ashley, im glad you found the forum. It’s a life saver.

I too have the same fear of my partners sexuality. Ive been with my guy almost 6 years now. We had a huge relationship defining moment about a year ago when i found pictures of him wearing my underwear and i found a porn site on his computer…gay porn. We split up for 9 months. It was the worst time of my life. The entire process was heart breaking not only for myself but also for my 7 year old which he has raised as his own. I was determined to let him go because frankly…how could i live with those images in my head anymore right? Well after the split, and after him begging and us talking and fighting (which isnt a bad thing) about what happened. We got back together. There isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about what happened at least once a day. Did i question his sexuality? MOST DEFINITELY. Do i still question it? I dont know anymore. He’s had a drug problem/alcohol problem…been to rehab, AA, all that. Things seem calm in that aspect now, but can i blame what he was doing on those things??? I dont know. My therapist said that he could have been doing those things to be closer to me. Could have…but not for certain.