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Leocube

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Viewing 4 posts - 16 through 19 (of 19 total)
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  • Leocube
    Participant

    Thank you for all your insights !


    @Miranda
    My family all has green cards, but we were living in our native country during my Sophomore and Senior year, then I moved to the U.S when I graduated high school and been staying here since. My parents decided to come live in the U.S because they retired and would like to pursue the citizenship. Fair enough, I mean who wouldn’t?

    I’m confident that they would be able to live alone by themselves. My dad doesn’t listen well, but writing and speaking is pretty much ok. My mom doesn’t speak the language at all. I just feel kind of bad to tell them to go live alone because they’re my parents. It’s a different culture they grew up in and I guess I do internalize some of that value. I moved out after living with my older brother for 2 months and it was easy because he was a slob and I didn’t care much for him, but it’s different for my parents because I feel like I owe them something for raising me. My brother already doesn’t give a hoot about my parents, so I feel bad if I tell them to go too. I want to be alone, but I’m afraid telling them that will affect our relationship. My dad likes to act tough, but I know he feels lonely.


    @anita
    I feel conflicted because when I look at other families, they don’t have problems like this. None of my friends feel this way about their parents. Everybody wants to live together and be with their parents, especially kids studying abroad like me. When I go on facebook, I see bunch of loving messages from friends to their parents, saying how much they miss their parents, how much they want to see them. I just don’t feel that way, I felt liberated when I moved to the U.S. I feel like it’s just me who feels this way and not the teaching. Growing up, I’ve been told countless time by my family that I was self-serving, cynical, and just over all hard to deal with, so I don’t know if I feel this way because I’m a bad person, or if it’s just who I am.

    I believe living with my parents serve me no good. I used to wake up at 6am and cook breakfast and exercise and be on my merry way to work. Now that they’re here, I spent most of my time at home in my room like a teenager because I just don’t like their presence. I’ve started taking up more hours at work because working feels better than being at home. How should I talk to them about what I want? What do I say? I don’t express myself around my family very much, and I suck at expressing myself in my native language. It just feels weird to sit them down and have a “heart to heart talk”. Just thinking about it makes my stomach drop.


    @Inky
    Thanks for your suggestion. My parents have plenty of money since they’re retired and some close friends living in here in the U.S. I’m sure they would be ok living alone after a while, but I’m worried for them. They are almost 60 years old, they’re healthier than the average person, but they’re still old, and doesn’t know the culture well. I don’t know if I’m just being over protective. I wish they would hate me so it would be easier for me to leave them.


    @jay
    Thanks for the suggestion, I’ve heard great things about meditation, although I’ve tried before but didn’t seem to work. Would I be able to sever the emotional connection that I have to my family if I meditate?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Leocube.
    Leocube
    Participant

    @rose That is precisely what I’ve been telling myself actually. I guess I don’t want this attachment because I’m too much of a wuss to deal with my emotion. But people say there is always a reason for someone feeling the way that they do. When you say that you just switch to another person and you don’t know why, I think this is where we should start looking into. Because we can pretend to act a certain way but our minds will never actually feel that certain way. I want to get to the root of the problem as to why we would act like a different person to begin with. What I’m afraid of is that I actually can’t remember much about my past, and I don’t want to make false connections.

    Leocube
    Participant

    @anita I feel like what you’re saying makes sense to me, but I can’t think of concrete evidence that they rejected my true self. I can think of a few small examples of my family making me feel bad, but I also think every family is like that. You’ve commented on my post long time before and I feel like your relationship with your mother is stemmed from an actual “abusive” POV. I just don’t think my family is abusive towards me.

    I can remember a few keystone occasions that made me permanently pulled back from my family in some aspect. For example, in elementary school, we had several maid/babysitter that came and went. I was close to all of them so when each of them were fired, I always cried a lot. Not until 5th grade when another maid was fired and I cried, that was when my parents made some light hearted joke like “aw, you’re crying, that’s so cute” or “It’s ok you can cry”. I felt insulted for some reason and I never cried again.

    If I’m not just making narratives up in my head, I think from that point on, I felt like I need to disassociate from people so I don’t feel sad if they happen to be gone again. I know my parents didn’t mean to make me feel bad, but for some reason I just did. I think not crying also led to other things like I couldn’t act compassionate, or caring for people I care about.

    But I just don’t think this is everything. Since I was a kid, I’ve had fantasy of my parents getting into car accident so I could live by myself (dumb, I know), but this also means that it is not entirely their fault, but also my fault for having a low key desire for them to be gone. I don’t know If I’m just piercing together non related pieces to fit a narrative, or if this is the root of the problem.

    in reply to: How can I let go of my attachment to my family? #111818
    Leocube
    Participant

    Thank you for all your advices
    @Nina To be honest, I would be very happy if they too decided to stop seeing me as “family”. Relationship between people is very fragile in my opinion. Everything, like I said, is just circumstantial. If I care about them as if they’re special, which logically they’re not, my happiness would have to depend on them and I don’t want my happiness to be depended on another person, and I don’t want their happiness to depend on me. I guess you could say that because I care about them that I don’t want us to depend on each other.

    I didn’t have a lot of friends as a kid and was bullied, but as I grew up, I also had a lot of friends and even a girlfriend. I know that people can make you happy or sad, and I don’t want other people to have that power over me. I know it sounds like I don’t want to be hurt, and that’s true, but I also don’t want to be happy. All those emotions are just so fragile.

    @Anita I’m actually living in Canada while they’re in Asia. I don’t talk to them much because I don’t feel the need to, so I’ve got behavioral covered (haha). But it doesn’t matter how I treat them, in my brain, they are still significant, and I need them to not be significant. That’s what I’m trying to get at.

    @Inky I don’t think people become monks because they don’t have what I have. I think a lot of people become monks for the very same reason that I have, they want to break free from worldly attachments. I mean a lot of human are blinded by emotions. Emotions (like love, anger, disappointment etc) keep us from seeing the world for what it really is (whether reality is bright or dark). It’s kind of like a drug, it makes us feel like something is real, but everything is just a product of chemicals in your brain.

    I have a distant uncle that decided to become a monk when he was 3 or 4, and now he’s 67 and he’s the head monk (I don’t know the terminology). He had great parents, my mom told me that his parents cried a lot upon hearing that he wanted to leave them to become a monk. She said that when he began to walk as a kid, he would just sit in his room and meditate (our family joked that he was the reincarnation of buddha lol). I asked if he was sad when his parents died and he said that he wasn’t sad, because everybody dies. He also said that when you see the world with total objectivity, you will be at peace even if there’s a war going on outside.

    @marglark My parents are great people and they make me happy more than sad. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my family. If I decided to just live my life being indulged in love, it would be fine, everything would work out. But I don’t want to. I do feel love for my family, but there’s a part of me that keeps growing day by day since I was a kid. A part of me that says I’m experiencing something that’s not “real”. I’m not questioning their love, I’m just saying that their love for me is only circumstantial, and there’s nothing wrong with it being circumstantial, but at the same time, it’s just that, circumstantial.

    I don’t want to “escape” anything. I’ve experienced both sadness and happiness, I just feel like it’s time for me to get a different perspective on live. My motive is not emotional, it’s just logical.

Viewing 4 posts - 16 through 19 (of 19 total)