Dear Anita,

Thanks for your response. I took my time to read and re-read this post, and thankfully I was able to do so without feeling triggered. I agree with the idea of a ‘hated sibling’ because I used to observe it even as a child that my father would project his anger towards  and perceptions of my grandfather over me, just because we two have an undeniable facial similarity and to an extent, behavioral similarity too. At times it felt that he was not even considering me as an individual person and just as a copy of my grandfather, assuming that I would do a certain thing just because my grandfather would do it that way. I don’t know why but he did have a problem with me not being ‘like’ him, in my thoughts, actions, behavior and other things. One reason he acts differently towards my younger brother is because he probably sees himself in his personality, he finds a similarity.

I also agree with your idea that when I would use to think as a child that everything is aright between me and him, there used to come another ‘sermon’ or an incident of his bad treatment. My last hopes of having good terms with him in future were quashed after his inexplicably unkind treatment during my disease, there was no going back from that point. Now, when I live abroad away from home, he tries to get close to me and acts very cordially; but the more he tries the more I get repelled because I have decided to maintain a distance with him going forward.

One common thing between my intrusive thoughts and my issues with my father is rumination. Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment and that happens even now when I think about a past situation or hypothesize about a future confrontation. It leads me to rage fits at times although I am usually a calm person. If I remember correctly, back when I was a kid/teenager, there used to be times when I would be filled with rage, despair and frustration and I would cry myself to sleep.

What I am not able to understand is that how the scholarship situation triggered the CSS inside me? even though during that time of emotional turmoil, I thought about my struggles with disease and anxiety but not about my childhood struggles? Do you think there were thought patterns responsible (like low self-esteem, externalization of self-worth etc.) that I developed as a result of childhood trauma and they gave me problems during the scholarship issue?

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I have some close friends back in my home country who talk to me on a daily basis, and make me feel good. I am still developing new friendships in the UK and maybe it will take time to develop close bonds.

Regarding the second part, yes I feel it was exactly like this. I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did and I don’t know why his attitude was like this considering his contrasting attitude towards my younger sibling.

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I find this very accurate to my thoughts about the situation. But I am not able to get why I am imagining myself in such depressing scenarios now? Whenever i begin to ruminate, I ultimately end up thinking how I would have got hopeless and stopped trying to make things better for myself.

Secondly, I sometimes feel as if ruminating itself is a self destructive activity which I partake and maybe one of the reasons I imagine giving up on my own wellbeing is a lack of self compassion. Please guide.

Dear Anita,

I hope this thread finds you well. I am sending a list of pointers that I think can be done or applied for helping me with my intrusive thoughts. Please have a look-

1. Using the NPARR strategy whenever possible. I have observed that doing assignments/solving questions at that moment helps me to engage with something else.
2. I should make a mental note of how my intrusive thoughts are affecting my quality of life in the PRESENT and giving me more anxiety and negativity. I can remember this thought whenever I feel I am ruminating
3. Starting JPMR again. My therapist had taught me this when my anxiety and panic attacks were on the peak during 2022. I can resume it in the night time when I get intrusive thoughts quite often.
4. Monitoring my web surfing. I often begin reading/scrolling through content that triggers my anxiety and as a result intrusive thinking.
5. Preparing a written note containing my values and purpose(s) and keeping it handy so that I can have a look at it whenever I begin obsessing over my thoughts.

Thanks

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your reply. It won’t be possible for me to see a doctor because of financial restraints as well as the possibile complications with my spine disease, and I personally dont want to go on that road. Is there anything else I should try doing that might help me?

Thanks

Dear Anita,

Hope this message finds you well! Very sorry for my long absence. Thanks for checking out on me. I think I am in a better headspace now to talk about this.

About values, I did an exercise a few weeks ago where I needed to categorize all the values I found relevant into four sections and then take one value from the each section. The values I came down to are- Success, Personal Development, Well-Being and Growth. But I feel this is not the complete thing and I need to do more work to develop better perspectives.

Regarding goals, I tried to think on this topic in one of the entries of my gratitude journal. Here is what I could come up in terms of concrete goals- 1)researching in my areas of interest as an academician, 2)contributing to my field through my work, 3) developing a solid knowledge base, 4)personal and spiritual growth, 5)engaging with literature through publications and reading books 6)spending time with and being around my friends and loved ones. How to develop a greater sense of purpose and develop a better approach towards the core component of my life?

Also, I would like to ask you about mindfulness. How can one apply it for anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well as for overall wellbeing?

Thank you

Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for your suggestion. I will look into emotion regulation workbooks any particular one that you would suggest?

I remember you telling me about finding purpose in a previous thread. In the past few months, I have tried to align myself with my true values and goals, and would like to have your advise over how to develop these patterns along with that of purpose.

Thanks