Shelby,

Another big well done to you on your presentation! And yes, the day off tomorrow is well deserved! Have you got much planned?

I think your point about wanting to build a life together, a mutual future is absolutely right. I agree with that completely. He doesn’t. In his words he is doing the best he can to provide us with the best future.. which yes is admirable and very nice of him but quite frankly at that rate we may not even have a future together because he’s so set in his ways… he realises this but it isn’t enough of a reason for him to derail from this plan. So perhaps your therapist is right. Maybe he does love me, like your ex loves you, but it isn’t enough to actually compromise and make future plans with me..

I do hear of these stories all the time. Two people together for many years, happy years but without progress and then suddenly they split up, eventually get into their next relationships and everything moves so quickly! But that’s all they qete, stories, and it appears I’m living this one right now.

I’ve actually just come back from my counselling session and I am feeling drained to say the least! I feel like this whole ordeal has sucked all of the energy out of me.

Yes, I saw Victoria’s comment earlier on her own thread and it resonated with me being on the receiving end of the situation. I’ve realised because of all the built up insecurities from the way he walked out on me all the way to this now ongoing back and forth have made me such a miserable person. I don’t like this person but yet I still do not have it in me to make the conscious decision to walk away.. I feel like I’ll forwver ask myself ‘what if?’. It would be much easier if he walked and it’s almost as though I am waiting for that moment! I’m arguing and pushing him further and further away to make him walk – how unhealthy?!

On a brighter note though, I’ve just weighed myself & I’ve officially lost 21 pounds since June!  This should make me quite happy.. it doesn’t haha! Nothing makes me happy nowadays!

Shelby,

Well done honestly! I absolutely hate presentations so the fact that you did it is amazing! It is a lot to present in front of a group of people though so I think it’s pretty normal to feel drained after. The whole lead up to the event must’ve been a nightmare!

Yes I know exactly what you mean by change. It is true, if a relationship did not work out something must change in order for it to work. This is the issue I am currently having with my ex.. I don’t believe that the main aspects of the relationship i.e progress have or will change. He’s still pretty adamant on the mortgage etc. Some of my friends have tried to make me understand his perspective and said I am getting upset at a man for being driven and motivated to achieve the best in life.. How can I be angry at him for that? And I get that, but I don’t think it is just that. I do believe it is a cover up because he just isn’t in a rush to progress (because mortgages are a long process) and also that he is very much the financially responsible man in his household and will more than likely not get away from that for a long time..

So with that in mind I will be speaking with my boss regarding a promotion/pay rise so that I can save enough money to be ready to find my own four walls in a few months time when my family leave.. Fingers crossed that goes well. He wont progress with me? I’ll progress by myself! But then I think what’s the point? What is the point of him building a life for himself how he sees fit and me doing the same? Where is the ‘together’ in any of that?

I’m very proud of how well you are doing, honestly. It is admirable. I must admit I am majorly delayed in any progress because me and my ex are currently on ‘good terms’. So to speak at the moment there is no real effort to move forward as we are hung up on the idea of a reconciliation. I am however extremely weary and observant before I make any real decisions so at least I’m doing that!

I wonder how Victoria is doing.. I am assuming the reconciliation with her ex went well as we haven’t heard from her in a little while!

Hi Perla,

Welcome to the forum!

I just wanted to say that it is a big step for you to acknowledge the fact that there are issues within your relationship. This is a start. Your husband sounds like he was a great man to start with but somewhat lost himself along the way and this emotional abuse has just become his way of being. This isn’t healthy and needs to change.

I know it is easier said than done to say ‘Leave! Do better for yourself! You know you deserve better! You’ll be fine!’ so I will not tell you those things. After all, you have spent many years with your husband and must love him dearly to have lasted this long. You say yourself, when he is not acting up you two actually have a good relationship!

I think there are a few things you need to ask yourself before making any decisions. Do you love this man enough to be willing to work through this IF he is willing to do that? Now I say this because no matter how much you may want to work through your problems, he may be unable to do so at this point in time or ever. That then is your queue to leave as the relationship will just continue the way it is. But it is important that you ask yourself if too much has happened now and you just want out or if you are still willing to work through things. You mentioned that you just want to get out and be away from him now. Is that because of the person he has become or are you just generally done with this relationship now? Ask yourself how your feelings towards him and your relationship would change if he no longer acted this way? Would your relationship be a happy one and continue to strive?

We as human beings are often driven by emotion. The saying goes ‘don’t make permanent decisions on temporary emotions’ and I guess this is what I am trying to do here.

If I were in your shoes, I would take some time out perhaps a weekend with a friend or family where I can have some time to myself outside of the situation and really think about everything. Do I want this relationship to work? What do I want? How do I want my life to look right now? Once I have been honest with myself this way I can then make a decision on my future. If you choose to continue your relationship with your husband then he must be available and willing to work through the problems. Starting with an honest, emotional, raw conversation about everything that he does that may hurt you and vice versa. You must be able to listen to hear one another, not just wait to respond. On the other hand, break ups are always difficult but if you do choose to walk away and build a new life for yourself at least in your lower moments you can always remind yourself that this was a thought through decision and you know deep down it is truly what you want!

Sending lots of hugs your way! I hope it all works out just the way you want it to!

Hi Shelby,

Ah I see what you mean! In a sense I can relate although my situation was a little different. Post trauma all of the feelings around this were so intense that I almost chose to actively focus on my break up and the hurt from that so I didn’t have to focus on the emotions related to the trauma. Two different kinds of pains. The lesser of two evils in a sense.

Yes, I do think it has helped. It gave the healing process a kick start along with starting my counselling finally! To my surprise, I have felt at ease since Saturday. I know it’s only been 3 days but those 3 days stress and anxiety free are amazing and I am enjoying every moment of it. I hope it lasts.

This is probably the first time I have noticed significant progress within myself so I am glad.

Although I don’t know if that has everything to do with the fact that me and my ex are on okay terms at the moment or if the conversation/counselling has kick started my healing process, it’s hard to say.

Hi John,

Perhaps I can’t give you the best advice but I can tell you that if two people want it enough, it can work. But it must be two sided. Sometimes when we loose ourselves it is our human instinct to want out – perhaps this is what happened to your wife. She feels that she does need to go and find herself all over again and maybe right now this means not being with you however if she truly loves you she’ll soon realise that finding herself doesn’t mean she has to go on without the person that she loves, you.

My ex is currently trying to reconcile with me. After a traumatic event and major hurt over the last few months my heart very much still wants him and for that reason alone I am somewhat choosing to believe that perhaps if we work at it enough it will work. It is not to say that it actually will, but the want is there and I am hoping that is enough to get us through the storm. Love is a very powerful thing and I can honestly say if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t even be considering a reconciliation, not after everything that has happened! But it gives us hope for better days..

Wishing you all of the best on this journey!

@Valora,

I haven’t heard of that term before but I will actually do some research into this this evening. So far I have done a lot of reading into different attachment types and the psychology around it all to try and better understand myself and my behavioural patterns.

You do sound like you are getting on pretty well though! I realise it isn’t always flowers and rainbows and that you do probably still have moments in which you feel down but you come across as someone who is able to now think rationally and therefore pass on rational and insightful advice! I too hope that one day I am able to respond in just that manner! Right now it seems everything I do is driven by my heart, or should I say constantly at battle with my heart!

Shelby,

Oh dear I’m sorry to hear that! My ex’s sister had Vertigo and it did not look pleasant at all so I wish you lots of rest and a speedy recovery! Did they say what could’ve brought it on? Is there anything that you can do to prevent any further outbursts? I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to withhold calling your ex to come and look after you! I find in times like these, times of need it is most difficult and most hurtful when you realise you actually don’t have anyone to call! I hope you feel better soon!

Yes, although today has been difficult it does too feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It feels like a new beginning… a beginning of my journey to heal!

For a long while I have avoided speaking to my family members about anything that could potentially bring up the events from the summer so not to hurt them however I disclosed to my mum today that I will be off to my first therapy appointment today. She approached me after to see how it went.. bless her she’s probably worried that I’m not doing as well as I may make out! I was honest with her and opened up about wanting to move past this horrible time in my life and that I am trying my best to rebuild my life. She then went on to mention that during her weekend away at my Auntie’s in Italy back in September my situation somehow came into conversation and it shed some light for her on what could’ve been my ex’s reasonings for his behaviour. She then went on to say that she believes if I wanted to, that he deserved a second chance provided that we reached a mutual understanding of the events around our break up. Absolute shock. She was reminiscing on the wonderful relationship that I had with him and said herself that she’s never witnessed anything like it before in her life. It was clear that we were meant to be. It is the first time she has spoken of him since June.

It doesn’t change anything as I am still unsure of how to proceed with my ex but it was nice to hear that she doesn’t completely despise him. Perhaps all this time she was on her own journey of forgiveness..