Hi Anita,

That makes lots of sense to me and allows me to see my fears and anxieties in a new light.

My partner is very generous and giving. One of the traits I love the most which he possesses is his generosity. He doesn’t mind putting others before himself, and doesn’t do this for prides sake either. He is genuinely a kind and loving person who likes to see the good in all people.

I would get annoyed to think of my partner spending money on Steve, though.

Also, how do you suggest I conquer this fear? It does make sense. And if I’m honest, the thought of my partner simply even being friends with Steve scares me. I know it shouldn’t, and I recognise it’s stupid that it does because I know within me, nothing would ever become of it… He is very loyal. But, I can’t shake the fear.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897

Hi,

How do I do this? How do I change this and stop this projection? Can you explain it further?

Regards,

kiwiboy0897

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the help! I really appreciate your contributions 🙂

With the obsession, I couldn’t agree more. I have recognised this before, and my partner said in the past that he is worried because I was getting fixated on it.

I will definitely try your method! I think it will be very useful.

Also, I am trying to downplay the idea that I feel a little bit hurt… I understand that this is from my ego, and that there is no real reason for me to be truly hurt, but I think it’s just my ego…

What I’m trying to say is: there is no real reason for me to be hurt. If anything, my partner did everything in a responsible and loyal way. I know he truly loves me because of this, and it has proven to me that he really does. I think I’m just clouding my own judgment, and sometimes looking for reasons as to why I don’t deserve this kind of love… It’s almost like self sabotage.

Do you have any advice on how I shouldn’t recognise this as a form of pain, but rather a reason to be happier? I mean, I see it but I would like an outside perspective too!

P.S. Hope you’re well, and whatever corner of the globe you’re in, I hope you have (or have already had) a lovely day!

Best wishes,

kiwiboy0897

Hi,

I am trying to get past the fact that my partner told Steve. I don’t understand this, and am trying to move on from this clouding my mind.

Have you heard of a similar situation? When we talk about it, he says it just came out and that he doesn’t know why he did it.

Advice? This is a difficult part for me to accept, but I want to move past it. I have moved past everything else and accepted and understood it, but this is the thing that’s really grappling me.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897

Hi,

I’m angry at the fact that my partner developed this friendship after Steve came onto him. He is a very kind and forgiving person though, and some part of him is quite naive too. He told me the day it happened, and the next day he said that Steve had apologised because he was unaware. I just don’t understand how you could develop a friendship after that without it being awkward.

It just makes me anxious and bitter.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897

Hi Anita,

That’s true, I agree. One thing I should mention is, a while after he told me about this motivation aspect, he said he didn’t realise how motivated I truly was. This was partially due to the fact that I never told him my plan regarding my career in conjunction to university. After I had told him, he said he didn’t realise this was the case. He also said that he didn’t realise how motivated I truly was, and that he was glad I am.

It does hurt to think that he was not and might not be completely content with who I am, like you said. I wish he never thought that way, in the sense that he never thought I would be like someone else.

We are in our twenties, yes. He always reiterates that he wants us to be financially secure and stable. I don’t think my partner would ask Steve for such consultation anymore, though. He says the friendship is dead and gone.

I ask my partner about Steve’s attraction to him. When I do, he always says “how many times do I have to show/tell you that I don’t want him? I want you. I want to be with you,” he says that Steve is not someone he would like to be with because of his overall personality. He says he is pretty mean to others, and the only thing he admires is his motivation and drive. When I asked him if he ever pictured being with him, he said “yuck, never.” So what I’m trying to say is, he has convinced me and has me to believe that he would never compromise his preference with me to be with Steve.

We will do the exercise you suggested. Thank you!

I have also realised that after this whole ordeal, I have developed a sense of jealousy. I keep questioning whether or not he is going to leave me and have this impending fear that he will (although I know he won’t). He reiterates that he wants to be with me always, and has shown that he is very serious about me (he has come out to his family, introduced me to them, shows that he is serious through such actions). He says he wants to marry me, also. As well as this, my partner has been cheated on in the past and he always restates that he knows what that feels like, and that he’d never do the same to me.

Also, is it wrong for me to feel threatened by Steve? I know he admires and desires for my partner, and that makes me anxious. I trust that my partner wouldn’t show reciprocation or entertain the notion of Steve’s desire, but I cannot hush the hush the worry and fear.

What are some ways I can improve on this? Even if I need to communicate with him about it?

Thank you.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897

Thank you Anita.

I wish I could give you a virtual hug right now. I needed an objective perspective on this, I appreciate your wisdom.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897

Hi Anita,

To answer your question, after he had told me and confessed everything, we thought it would be constructive if he spoke to Steve to reiterate things with him and lay down some boundaries. He reiterated that:

1. He didn’t want a relationship with him, and he didn’t want their friendship to progress any further.

2. He didn’t think of him sexually, but rather admired his motivation and drive.

3. There would be no communication other than when they’re at the gym. No extra curricular activities, no extra walks, no social media, no texting, etc.

My boyfriend told Steve that he would say hello and goodbye to him because he doesn’t want to be disrespectful, but he will not initiate conversations with him. No personal life matters, no extra talks, etc.

Steve said he respected this decision and didn’t want to cause any harm to our relationship, and he doesn’t want to cross any lines and/or step on my toes.

Steve stopped attending the gym about two weeks ago. Then, suddenly, he came back yesterday. It was very random. We had assumed he quit, but turns out he took a break. When he came back, my boyfriend did not interact with him. They had a 20 second conversation when my boyfriend was leaving the gym, because Steve had asked him a question. My partner is looking to leave the gym though, he has given himself a time period to leave.

I hope that gives you more clarity, thanks again.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897