Anita,

He kept getting mad at me for dumb things. He wanted me to sleepover his house but I said no because I had school the next day. He got so mad at me and threatened to break up saying “if you loved me you’d sleep in my bed tonight” but then he apologized the next day saying “sorry I shouldn’t have gotten mad”

Then yesterday I went to hangout with my friends and he got so mad. Then he apologized again and said “sorry I am not mad that you’re hanging out with your friends, I just feel like you’re different”

Then last night my friend went to ask someone to prom so we were at a guy’s house (only went to support my friend) and he accused me of being with a guy. Then he went off on me saying I treat him so bad and that I lie and that his ex was better (in bed and all around). Then that was that he just broke up with me.

Now I am so hurt I have been crying all morning

Yeah, bullying really affected my mom. I remember sitting in the sun room almost every evening with my mom as she would sip a glass of wine. This is when she would talk about her life to me. She wouldn’t always talk about bullying/ her childhood but sometimes it would come up. She would tell stories of how she was bullied for her chubbiness. One story I remember went like this… one of her neighbors came up to her house and asked her to play. So my mom said yes and then she was led to an entire group of boys who then threw rocks at her saying “lose some weight”

Obviously this wasn’t my mom’s fault. My mom was just a little chubby, it wasn’t her fault the kids in her neighborhood were so mean. She also grew up in a very bad neighborhood, there was a lot of violence. So this probably wasn’t unusual for that area. Kids were just super mean. Maybe this, in conjunction with other kids not treating me the best either, made me feel very insecure.

In addition to telling me stories of bullying, my mom also told me stories of how she went away on vacation one summer and got super tan and lost 20 pounds. She said as soon as that happened to her, everyone wanted to be her friend and she became super popular.

Popularity is something that is kinda unavoidable when you’re a kid, but usually adults tell you its fake. But here my mom was telling me stories about it. So… maybe I felt like I was very low on the “popularity scale” because I wasn’t skinny nor tan.

I’ll think more about this and if I think of anything else then I will add on. I still don’t feel like this completely explains it. My mom’s stories may have warped my perception a little, but I feel like it was also things I observed in school. The popular kids were smart, athletic, skinny. I wasn’t ANY of those things. I honestly think something was going on in my life that caused me to completely lose the ability to concentrate. Maybe it was anxiety? All I remember is being unable to concentrate. I felt like teachers disliked me. I was struggling a lot in school. I really try to emphasize the fact that later on I ended up doing VERY WELL in school. Proof it wasn’t my actual intellectual ability that was causing me to fail all my tests. For all I know maybe it was just the fact that I was lazy and dumb. My parents would spend hours with me just trying to teach me multiplication.

I remember once my mom and dad sat me down for at least 2 hours helping me with my math homework (we were learning how to multiply double digits). I was about 9 years old. I remember being so unable to grasp it. My parents aren’t math teachers, but they were doing their best to help me through the steps. It took so long just to do one worksheet. It was extremely frustrating for me. I couldn’t do it but after 2 hours I finally got through it. I came in to class the next day and my teacher asked me to do a problem. I couldn’t do it because I still was unable to grasp it. Despite spending so long on it the night before, I couldn’t do it when my teacher asked. My brain would not grasp it. I remember my teacher yelled at me so badly and began accusing me of using a calculator. I felt so upset because it literally took me HOURS to do this yet still couldn’t understand. I was crying uncontrollably, which made my teacher believe I was just crying because I got caught. I don’t remember getting in trouble, just yelled at. I felt so frustrated and hopeless. I felt stupid. This was my life from about 3rd grade to 5th grade. Just feeling completely inferior to all the students who could learn it effortlessly. Why didn’t my brain grasp it? I don’t know. But I was such a good kid, I never did anything wrong. So getting yelled at CONSTANTLY by my teachers just made me feel like complete garbage. I was yelled at so often for simply being dumb. I felt stupid, I felt slow. I felt like something that would take a normal student 20 minutes to learn took me 2 weeks.

I know I kinda went off on a tangent but maybe that has to do with it. Doesn’t really have as much to do with my family being inferior but rather how school made me lose all self esteem.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Katie.

Anita,

Yes I would like to go into the center

Mark,

Yeah, it is going to be hard if my friends decide I am a bad person too, and ditch me as well. I am more worried about my friends ditching me than my boyfriend. I have a hunch that my friends are fake towards me and talk bad about me. I think that is part of what is motivating me though. The fact that I don’t trust my friends makes me want to reach out to people I do trust. And Gabi had always been that friend for me. I honestly see my friends (who ditched Gabi) as immature and small minded. They aren’t people I want to be around. Well, half of them ditched Gabi because she wasn’t that close with her but the other half was very immature and (maybe even wrong) to leave a friend over that reason. I think it was purely done out of judgement. Gabi had a very high moral understanding, something everyone else lacked. It isn’t that hard to see that Gabi IS a good person. Everyone else is just judging her, showing they really were never real friends in the first place. But I always saw Gabi as my true friend. And I know I need to stick by the real ones.

Airene,

Bianca and Jared are still together. Everyone expected Bianca to break up with Jared, but she never did. People say she is a bad person, not only because of what she did, but also how she used to say things behind people’s backs. But I know Gabi is a good person, and it is very hard for me to believe she ever had bad intentions. In my opinion, I think people are twisting things she has said/done in a way to excuse dropping her.

I completely agree, I feel like everyone is being short sighted. I have also been feeling really down lately because I do not feel like I can trust the people I am around. I am not as close with them as I was with Gabi. It has caused me to feel really depressed. I feel like… if I ever made a mistake or did something wrong, then all my friends could drop me too..

Anita,

Okay. I change my mind. I think it is because I am ugly. I mean, I don’t really know 100% but my mind keeps changing. Whenever I start feeling ugly I start blaming everything on it. But there is still a reason why I think it may have to do with the fact that I am ugly. Yes, outgoing people can be popular and well liked BUT I don’t find it a coincidence that all the popular girls in my school are pretty. Not one is ugly. Why?? I see outgoing girls who aren’t conventionally “pretty” (and may even be seen as ugly) and they’re just kinda disregarded… they have lots of friends (and I notice that the popular girls have lots of friends as well) yet for some reason they are separate from the popular girls. It’s like to be apart of their group you have to be pretty. It’s almost as if they are able to get along because of their looks and because of the amount of guys that go after them. I know looks aren’t everything but in my mind I’ve learned that no matter what I put my mind to.. I can do it. I’ve been able to accomplish anything I have wanted to by simply working hard for it. Yet, this will never seem to work out for me.

This is going to sound really superficial but let’s just say I was super beautiful and people always talked about how pretty I was. Something in me feels like if that were the case, all my problems would disappear. I’d be constantly getting positive feedback from people. People would always say “you’re so pretty” and I’d feel more accepted by my peers. More guys would go after me, which would leave me with infinite options. If I were the hottest girl in the world, I doubt my boyfriend would ever cheat on me because why would he go after an ugly girl if he is dating the hottest one? Now, I know personality plays a role BUT (and this is me sorta going off on a tangent but its important to how I feel right now) once my boyfriend and I went on a break for about 2 weeks and when we got back together I had found out he was trying to go after this model. Like, instead of worrying about getting me back he was too busy talking to/trying to win over this model. Let’s be real, I saw this girl and she had no special personality, especially not one that would attract my boyfriend to her. It was solely based off of her looks. Even AFTER we got back together he would still talk to her (sucky boyfriend, I know) and when I’d ask why he’d say “she’s a model!!” If I were prettier than this “s0-called” model then he should be satisfied enough with me. ALSO once my boyfriend was drunk and told me “I never get pretty girls” which was kinda a slap in the face.

And don’t get me wrong HOT, POPULAR guys have gone after me in the past but let me tell this story as well. So, I was a sophomore in high school and this SUPER POPULAR, ATTRACTIVE junior boy was going after me. I mean, we’re talking the hottest most popular guy in the junior grade. Girls literally swooned over him. Like, my friends would tell me that during lunch other girls would be like “oh my god he’s soooooo hot” (and these were the prettiest girls who were swooning over him). Well, low and behold he thought I was pretty (for some reason, don’t know why). He had no idea what my personality was like either, he just wanted me. But… it wasn’t just a “one time thing” like he actually wanted a relationship. He already knew he wanted a relationship based off of my looks. And how do I know this? Because I turned him down so many times but he kept persisting. After talking for a while, we even made out once but stopped because I said I was uncomfortable. I made it very loud and clear that I was not down to hook up and he said it was fine. So maybe secretly he did just want this to be a one time thing but I was very cautious to make sure that wasn’t the case, plus he had a good reputation of being a nice guy. Well, everyone in my grade thought it was so WEIRD that he wanted ME. They asked him why? My friend overheard this guy in the hallway say “Why does he want katie? He is so out of her league” Okay… my point is…. nobody would have said stuff like that if I were pretty. I don’t even think I’m ugly.. maybe I’d rate myself a 5/10. Average. Okay maybe 6/10 because of how much time and effort I put into  making my hair and outfit and body look good. So my face could be seen as average. I don’t know. Why does this even matter to me? It makes me feel so inferior. I JUST WANT TO BE PRETTY. I have done amazing things by simply putting my mind to it. I promise you if I think about and act on something I want 24/7… I’m EVENTUALLY going to have to succeed. But this…. it’s almost like I will never be good enough with my looks. I DON’T EVEN CARE TO HAVE TONS OF FRIENDS. I’m fine having my 4 friends. But come on, it’s all I have wanted all my life. To be BEAUTIFUL and admired. But I’m not and don’t think I will ever be.

Anita and Inky,

Sorry it took me so long to reply I just saw these responses. I wrote this when I was feeling really ugly and felt like it was the reason for all my problems in life. As time passes by, I realize now it is because I am simply just not outgoing.

It is actually a little funny that I am so shy, considering my younger brothers have so many friends. As they have gotten older, I have realized just how easily they are able to talk to people. Sometimes when I make a new friend and have them over, the person becomes closer with my brothers because of how outgoing and easy to talk to they are. I am grateful for the few friends I have. But the thing is I have spent years of my life wondering what is wrong with me. After seeing how my brothers are able to interact with others, I realize… maybe it’s not because I was cursed maybe it is because my personality is timid. It’s almost like a relief, like I have found the answer.

I think I may have social anxiety (or some form of it) which may cause me to be so timid? I think I have it because of this crazy intense feeling of fear I have whenever talking to people. It sucks. I’m so awkward because of it. I don’t have any desire to be “popular” or have tons of friends but I just want to be able to be happy in my skin, and talk to people around me. It’s really isolating and I don’t want to become lonely. I always wonder why I can’t break up with my boyfriend when our relationship is so bad, and I think 50% of the reason is because he is all that I have. I am afraid I will be left with nobody if I lose him because of my inability to  make friends. Does this sound like social anxiety to you?