Anita,

Okay, I will definitely do that. It seems like a lot of fun and something that would help me a lot.

I have been thinking about my friends and I decided that I DO want to make new friends, but I want to keep my old friends close. I think I was exaggerating when I said, “I feel like I need to be someone I’m not for my friends to care. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I were different. If I was confident, wore cute clothes, didn’t study for school, was single, was always hooking up with guys, had tons of friends at school, was partying, was drinking, was smoking, was tan and wore makeup, etc, then they would love me. ”

I think I get a lot of anxiety over situations so I think the worst things. Part of me feels that it is my fault and I should just talk to my friends because I have avoided talking to them out of fear. I fear that I did something wrong to hate me. But really, I don’t think my friends would care about me more or less if I were different. I think that me changing for the better has made me a different person all around, and it is a little difficult navigating the world with these different views.

I just get a lot of anxiety and depression over my old friends. I was really upset this morning and I scrolled back to my best friend and my’s texts from a year ago. I noticed that we talked every day and we sent hundreds of texts to each other every day. She was my best friend for 4 years. I miss her so much. Now, we haven’t texted in a month. I’ve been so afraid to confront her because neither of us is one to express our emotions in that way. We don’t express it for some reason. We used to bond over over things, but icky emotions like how we are growing apart and miss each other.

A lot of our experiences were the same. We bonded over normal, healthy things such as school, clubs, and the gym. We also bonded over things we were dealing with mentally. I used to think that because I solved all my big mental issues, that means we had nothing to talk about. But that’s not true, we do and always did. I just can’t find it in me to talk about normal things because I’m so busy trying to deal with anxiety, the sadness of hating my college environment, and body dysmorphia.

I think when my body dysmorphia became a real serious issue, I started to hide it from her. I would only talk about it with my boyfriend, therapist, and now you.

Sorry if this message is all over the place, but basically I’m trying to say I want my old friends back and I think my anxiety has kept me from reaching out. I keep telling myself I’m too boring for them, I’m too weird, I don’t deserve their friendship, they must see me as the weirdo I am, etc.

Last week, my boyfriend forced me to talk to them. I am in a big group message with them on text, but I don’t talk in it. My boyfriend forced me to talk in the group message because he knew how sad I was. I started a short conversation, and I felt so much happier. I felt like myself again because I was talking to my friends again.

Anita,

How do I know who I am compatible with? What if I don’t ever find people I fit in with. I mean what signs do I even look for? I don’t even know who I get along well with.

Anita,

Also, something has been causing me to be really upset. The situation is really confusing for me. So, all throughout high school, I had my group of friends. I was really close to them. However, when we entered college we all remained close. Some of us were closer than others, for example, I was really close with a couple of girls while I wasn’t so close with others.

I feel that recently, because of my mental problems, I’m not as close with them even though they were my best friends. Yes, I understand people drift apart when they enter college, but they’re all still close (I’m in a group message with them through text, they talk 24/7 ). I have just distanced myself (not on purpose) because, with my body dysmorphia, I have naturally isolated myself. I also would get really anxious in social situations so even though these were my best friends, my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t feel comfortable talking to them.

However, I noticed that they don’t seem to care. My best friend (let’s call her Emily) has texted me once saying “hey what’s up you haven’t texted much” but that was about a month ago and since then she hasn’t texted me at all.

I went home one weekend and my other friend (who I wasn’t as close to) was also home. I texted her saying, “hey are you home too?” And she said, “yeah but I’m busy.” Coincidentally, my cousin was in town visiting me. When that friend found out my cousin was there, she texted her saying, “ugh I’m so mad I didn’t know you were here! I’m going back to school now :(”

That made me upset because she only knows my cousin through me. Also, she clearly didn’t care that I was home?

I feel that everyone thinks I’m boring now. I don’t say much when I talk to my friends anymore because the only “major” event happening is that I am trying to recover from my anxiety disorders. I used to have tons to talk about (boys, school, friends, hobbies) but now I have none of that. Schools boring, I am in a committed relationship with no drama so nothing to talk about there except “yeah, he treats me really good,” no friends at college except for people I don’t like, and I have hobbies but ones that none of them care about. I also don’t do much because my friends’ daily activities include: drink, smoke, hook up with guys, have fights with their friends, etc. I avoid doing all of those things because they trigger my anxiety. When I drink, I get anxiety about how it’s going to affect my health (it also used to cause me anxiety because I would get so hungry and eat everything when drunk because the alcohol would hurt my stomach, and then I would feel so fat and gross. I think I’m over that though). I don’t smoke for the same reason (because of my BDD, I’m very serious about my skin and smoking + drinking causes premature wrinkles). I don’t hook up with guys because I’m loyal to my boyfriend, I also don’t have fights with the people I’m close to because I don’t care for drama.

I am using my cousin as an example of someone that my friends want to be friends with. She is outgoing, she talks a lot, and she drinks and parties. I used to be the same way, but because of how I am now, I’m not. And clearly my friends don’t seem to be very affected by my lack of presence. I’m just really upset. I don’t know… is it my fault? Their fault? All I know is it hurts to know that my friends don’t really seem to care for me. That’s why it’s so hard for me to end contact with my cousin. She and my boyfriend are the only people who really seem to “care.” Even though my cousin is toxic, she still seems to care. Although I feel like it’s hard for me to tell when people don’t truly care about me. I try to talk about this with my cousin and boyfriend, but they always just say I need to put the effort in. The problem is, I don’t feel comfortable putting effort in. Also, I try talking about this with my therapist but I’m just so confused about this situation that I don’t know how to express it properly.

I’m very confused about why I feel so hurt by this situation.

I feel like I need to be someone I’m not for my friends to care. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I were different. If I was confident, wore cute clothes, didn’t study for school, was single, was always hooking up with guys, had tons of friends at school, was partying, was drinking, was smoking, was tan and wore makeup, etc, then they would love me. But I’m not like that anymore. And I shouldn’t have to change to make them interested in me, right? But I keep getting the same advice to just put effort in. How do I put effort in?! I want to be myself.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Katie.

Anita,

I’m sorry again for the late reply. I had something come up regarding school but I’ll try to let you know so you know next time when I won’t reply as fast.

As for the first post, yes I see how that is wrong. I just want to clarify, though, that my mom didn’t reveal that information to me until about 2 years ago (when I was 18). She didn’t tell me about what my teachers said until randomly when she was ranting about how bad my elementary school was. It still hurt to hear those things, though. I remember feeling really sad when my mom revealed my teachers thought I had autism. Because even though there is nothing wrong of with autism, it kind of validated this weird feeling I grew up having. I always grew up feeling out of place and different. Teachers never really cared for me, I was never a favorite student, I seemed indifferent to them. If my teachers did truly think I had autism, then I thought maybe my fear of people thinking I’m weird or different (a feeling I had and still have) is logical. Maybe that is where it came from, maybe I could sense how my teachers felt about me based on how they treated me. To clarify: there isn’t anything wrong with autism and I wouldn’t even care if I had it. However, considering that I’m not even close to having it based on tests, it makes me feel weird that people may have thought I did. I would understand if I DID have autism, but I don’t.

But even though my parents never told me what my teachers said when I was young, I could still somewhat tell. I knew my parents would go in to speak to my teachers a lot, and once my parents told me (when I was around 9) that my teachers said they were going to hold me back a grade if I didn’t improve my test scores. I also knew that my teachers told my parents to take me to a therapist and other stuff. I don’t know if my parents ever specifically told me that my teachers suggested I see a therapist, but I may have just assumed because most of the therapy was based around school. My teachers would always call my parents in for meetings in order to improve my grades. For example, one time my parents when in for a meeting, when they came back we went out and bought 20 of my favorite toy at the time (they were these really small, cheap toys so it was easy to get), and my parents gave them to my teacher so they could give it to me every time I rose my hand. It was supposed to be a positive reinforcement for speaking in class. It somewhat worked, so maybe it was good, but those things were the hints. These things don’t seem outwardly bad. It seemed like my teachers cared about my grades and wanted me to improve. However, there is something off about it to me. Today, I’m a good student, a great one even. I get straight A’s and study a lot. I always pay attention in class.

I think my inability to pay attention was definitely caused by pain. Whether that pain was anxiety, sadness, or whatever, I just had low self-esteem and didn’t think I could do well. I think those problems should’ve been solved, but they weren’t. And something was obviously causing the low self-esteem.

And it makes sense that my mom may have used her own words when describing that teachers would say something was wrong with me.

And lastly, I still can’t remember specifics if my mom ever said anything offensive, she probably didn’t or maybe I just forgot. But I just remember that my mom wasn’t as involved in my growing up as I think she should’ve been even though she was always there, she just wasn’t there for me emotionally.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Katie.

Anita,

Also, I just have a question. I don’t really know who else to ask because I just want an unbiased answer. Mayo Clinic states: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others.” If it’s true that I have BDD and that I am thinking about a flaw that ‘appears minor or can’t be seen by others,’ how come 2 people have pointed out my flaws? I can understand my flaws being minor because I lived most of my life without even knowing of these flaws I have. They just kinda appeared one day when I began to feel extremely anxious about myself and was looking for what is wrong with me. However, my cousin pointed out my nose, and that makes me feel that is isn’t minor. Actually, I don’t think that I thought my nose was big until my cousin told me it was. Another girl (who I met at college and I used to be friends with but have since cut out because she is kinda toxic) would point out my small forehead. She would make fun of me for it. Do you think there could be something wrong with these 2 people? Because they are the only ones who pointed it out in my life. Or, could my flaws be noticeable to everyone but they are the only ones who say it out loud? I may just be ruminating right now, but if it’s true that these people are not normal by noticing my flaws, it helps me to understand that maybe I have no reason to worry about them. Maybe most people don’t even notice them. It’s just very confusing 🙁 I just want to make it clear that in my 20 years of living, these are the only two people in my life who have ever said anything negative about my appearance and even more so, the only 2 people who have ever pointed out specific things about my appearance.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Katie.

Anita,

Thank you for the advice. I have been really busy recently, so I haven’t checked this website. Sorry for the late reply! I’ve been talking to some people in my classes and hopefully, I will end up with some friends soon.

While the cousin and the friends situations are slowly being solved, I feel that I have another problem. I ruminate a lot and think about my problems all the time. My therapist and I have been working on stopping the rumination cycle, but I just want to get myself to stop altogether. I know that it takes time to stop these things, but I just want the thoughts to go away. I don’t want to have to fight off thoughts that come into my head all day. An example of something that I ruminate about is my nose. I’m pretty sure just seeing pictures of noses triggers me into ruminating about mine. It’s just a very confusing situation for me. I stumbled upon a subreddit called “BigNoseLadies.” There are a bunch of pictures of women with big noses on there. I clicked on it hoping to find some appreciation of big noses that would maybe cause me to appreciate mine. However, their noses were a lot bigger than mine. Like, extraordinarily bigger than mine. That’s what causes me to think and think and think. I wonder how could my nose be considered big if it looks nothing like these women’s noses. But then I see pictures of models and see that their noses are small and mine is not as small as theirs.

That is an example of a thought that I just want to stop. I know that teaching myself to stop the thought process over time will stop be from ruminating. However, I just want to get rid of the thought from the source. I don’t want to be “triggered” by everything all the time. I just want to be normal. I just want to stop thinking my nose is big. Or, I want to get surgery so my nose will be so small that nobody could consider it big if that is what it will take (even though I am scared of surgery and really don’t want to do it). Stopping the rumination is one thing, but how do I just stop the thoughts from even coming to me?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Katie.

Anita,

Thank you, I am glad too. Here is my list:

1) “You would look so pretty with a nose job” “You need a nose job” “Your nose is slightly big. Don’t worry you can always get a nose job” etc. Her opinion on my nose bothers me because I never had a problem with it before she said something. She is the only person in my 20 years of living that has told me my nose is big. After she said it, I couldn’t stop inspecting it in the mirror. She may have said it because:

a) she wanted to hurt my feelings and make me aware of my flaws to lower my self-esteem b) she is socially inept and thinks its normal to point out things about people’s faces c) she is just honest/critical and thinks I get told this all the time d) she has body dysmorphia and is pushing her warped perceptions onto me out of obliviousness.

2) “You’re not good at this subject” “You aren’t smart” “You shouldn’t do this because it’s too hard for you” etc. This bothers me because she only says this about things I am passionate about. If I like something and work hard on it, she always tells me I’m not good. She even says this about things I am objectively good at.

a) she wants to hurt my feelings and lower my self-esteem b) she is threatened by me taking on difficult challenges c) she genuinely doesn’t think I’m smart enough and just wants to be honest

3) “Your boyfriend isn’t good-looking” “your boyfriend is a loser” etc. The reasons why this bothers me are obvious. She is being plain rude.

a) she is just extremely judgemental and is too vocal about it b) she doesn’t want me to enjoy my boyfriend and wants to make me second guess my choice to date him c) she liked my ex-boyfriend better and she says this to make me want to break up with my current one

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Katie.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Katie.