Dear D.,

Wow. This is a mess.
I sure know that feeling “Am I crazy?” “Am I doing this?”… I’ve been through something similar (on a much more subtle level though) the last years. And what I have learned is this: You need to trust your own feelings. EVEN if they are not objectivly right or even if he sees things differently. Your feelings are your only source, your only measurement for whether something is good or right for YOU!

It could be that you were maybe too whiny in the beginning and he was too afraid of losing you to clearly communicate what the relationship to his ex means to him. That is maybe where the trust issue started. But on the other hand you cannot go on to destroy yourself, deconstruct yourself, especially when you keep on feeling that there is something off, when he keeps lying to you and when he doesn’t work on the relationship with you and help you get along with his family (instead of actually turning them against you and scapegoating you).

I’m going out on a far limb here, but could it be that he is a covert narcissist? He needs constant approval, he pretends to be the victim and scapegoats you in front of his family, he tries to keep you under control by telling you you are crazy… (which is gaslighting, by the way).

D, even if he where right with any of this: Even if you were (and I honestly doubt that) a crazy, overjealous bitch – wouldn’t he be the totally wrong person for you then? Wouldn’t you need (and deserve) someone who gives you more peace and trust, who doesn’t trigger this part of you that much, who doesn’t call you crazy (which is gaslighting btw), but tries to understand where your feelings come from and helps you work through them? (And wouldn’t you be the wrong person for him, who seems to need a lot of approval from his ex and family)
He is not creating trust or a partnership where you feel valued, he is isolating you from his family and gives you the feeling that your feelings are not valid. That sucks! Your self esteem is being eroded here like!
I could not find a single abusive thing you did in what you wrote. And if you have whined to long about stuff it is because you didn’t feel it was resolved, because your trust is hurt and because for some reason he doesn’t make you feel safe.
–> A friend of mine is really a whiny bitch ( i still love her), and she is constantly nagging her bf – but he has also kept things from her, has lied to her occasionally and doesn’t really see her feelings. He is not a really bad guy, but the thing is: she wasn’t this way with others, and even though it’s not exactly his fault or intention HE MAKES her a whiny bitch and makes her not like herself – although she is a lovable girl who was totally relaxed in other relationships – and she tries to be more understanding and is constantly putting her own feelings and needs down to keep it going, instead of just saying: You don’t meet my standards of honesty and I don’t feel safe, i’m sorry.)

So you need to validate your own feelings: Find out what really feels true – for YOU! And find out what you can and want to live with, and draw healthy boundaries! A safe, honest relationship shouldn’t feel like this, and in your heart you know its true – so what is keeping you with a person who doesn’t value you or make you feel good about yourself?
(And please, do never ever believe someone who says you are crazy, because a true friend would never do that and would – if you WERE going crazy, try to let you know in a loving and constructive way and would try to understand how you feel.)

Take only what you find to be true here, I can only make wild guesses.
I wish you the very best, take care!!!

At the same time, don’t worry or overthink too much! Your emotions are totally valid! As long as they don’t get out of hand and cause trouble between you two, you are just a caring, sensitive person – who is understandably upset about how people treat their friend!
That’s normal, and even desirable, and doesn’t mean you are spoilt or wrong or anything! Anyone would wish to have a friend who is as caring and considerate to do the right thing!
Plus you seem to have a good relationship with this friend, so he will hopefully tell you if he needs something else from you… so don’t worry too much!! :-)))

Hey Charlie!

I’ll just give you my very personal opinion. Seems like you’ve been caught up between your friends codependent behaviour and your own …
I think it is completely ok to tell him that it hurts you to see this and what you think about it – because you care, and that is what friends are for. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine and you can stand by what you think.
However, as obviously shitty as the situation sounds, as a friend you also have to respect his decisions. Don’t fall into the trap of controlling/manipulating his life, even if you only wish the best for him. You will only create a new codependency. He is a grown man, and he needs to learn healthy interdependance – getting your honest opinion, and making his own decisions and mistakes if needed.
At the same time you might want to look into why this triggers you so much, and how your friendship is constructed… do you take on a “healer” or “helper” position very often? Do you want to sustain the friendship by being needed by him? Can YOU draw healthy boundaries in terms of letting things go that you cannot change or that are not your responsibility? (Btw that does not mean you don’t care).

A lot of projections of my own stuff again here, so feel free to dismiss this if I’m off.

Dear Xenopus,

some more thoughts, even though you didn’t really reply to my last post.

Anita has a point here, I think you are not actually listening, but just venting… (it’s your jobs fault, it’s the womens fault for not seeing things they should see, it’s the worlds fault for being as it is… )

You seem to carry a lot of resentment in you, and demand that people see you and your reality. But are you seeing other people and their truths?

What happened that makes you so angry? Who/what hurt you so much that you resent everything and everyone? Because that is not the world, that is some blueprint in you, some expectation that did not get fulfilled or was disappointed.
So what is it you actually expect from people and this world, Xenopous??

Dear Rocccks, i’m glad it helped!
About the thinking part:
I had to move out, so the first two to three weeks I was pretty occupied.
Honestly, I still think about it every day, usually several times, but not excessively. In the beginning there was a lot of anger, I thought a lot about why and what happened. I think this is completely normal, and its healthy to experience your own anger.
But I think its also good to be careful not to get stuck in bitterness and anger, because that will only hurt you, not him. He does not deserve this kind of power over your life and wellbeing.
I tried to gain the perspective that my Ex did not do this to hurt ME, but that he would have done it anyways to anyone and that HE is just like that, and in the end it’s got nothing to do with me or my worth as a person (because that’s the part that hurts). I have never looked at his FB-Page once, and blocked all content and chat function and all.
The first weeks I vented to friends here and there, but now, whenever I recognize that I’m losing myself over this, I try to ask myself: Is this helping ME right now? Is this getting ME anywhere? Is there anything I will gain from thinking about this? The answer is usually “NO“. 😀
It takes a while and I think its completely normal to think about it a lot. Just be aware of it and try to again and again to shift the focus to what YOU need to learn from this situation and how YOU can deal with it in a better way, and don’t get stuck in anger and blaming. I am right now trying to use the experience to have better relationships -next time a guy like this comes around I will be more aware, I will not take crap and trust my own feelings if something feels off.
It will get better very gradually, and one day you will wake up and recognize happily that you don’t give a f… ;-D
You have got a lot of positive energy and the will to live a good life, so don’t worry! :-)))
Also, I find that being on your own feels much better than feeling insecure and on the edge in a relationship all the time! We will rock!
So long

Additionally:

Dear Stephanie!
This must be really hard right now, and believe me, I know this feeling. But don’t give up on yourself, and don’t run away from the pain. The pain means that you are an emotional being that is capable of love and of letting someone close to them.

I don’t think anyone can take that pain from you right now, you will have to go through it, accept and understand that it will take some time to gradually get better.

However, there is a subjective thing I want to say:
You write that its such a good match and everythings perfect, etc… But even if your life goals seem to match up, there is more to a relationship! He does not seem to be a very stable person, or capable of dealing with his own emotions. And it is not your responsibility or even within your power to fix him! Do you really want to be with a person who – unintentionally but nonetheless – pulls and pushes you away again and keeps hurting you? Your hope that this will change is noble but is it realistic?
Could it be that therefore he is not the right person for you as things are? Should you start to protect your own boundaries?
Another question you should or could ask yourself is: Why are your emotions so strong? It is completely normal to feel sad and to be afraid and feel really shitty… but is there maybe something else? How did you feel before you knew him? Where you ok with being on your own? Or are you using the relationship to cover up some deeper wound that is now being ripped open?

(I hope I’m not putting too much or the wrong things on you right now, these are just the questions I am facing myself right now, having split up with my boyfriend after 6 years because I was an anxious wreck with nervous breakdowns, worn out by being pulled and pushed away again … I don’t know your guy, but my personal advice right here would be: Start taking care of yourself, respect yourself, create healthy boundaries for yourself and don’t make yourself dependant on a dream of a relationship that clearly does not exist the way you want it to…)

I wish you all the best, try to take care of yourself as best as you can… (It helped me to be aware of my feelings and always ask myself: What is the very next best thing I can do for myself? A cup of tea, sleep, eat, meet friends, cuddle up…) I hope you will feel better soon!!