Thanks Anita. Nice to hear from you again.

The surgery…I don’t want to go into it. It’s not life threatening, but necessary. I will need 1-2 weeks to recover and I am a bit scared to be honest.

I left my hometown as soon as I could. I love my family but it’s a soulless place. For me, Spain IS home. It is my spiritual home. When I get off the aeroplane in Spain, my whole body relaxes and I just think ‘ahh…I’m home’. Whereas when I visit the UK I feel more like ‘ah it’s nice to visit for a while!’

My life in Spain was not perfect. The main problem was the financial issue which I need to try and rectify by getting a better qualification in the UK which carries over to Spain. I am basically looking at having to stay in the UK for two years, without my friends and the communities I have spent time building abroad – I find that very, very hard to come to terms with. And yet I know I can’t go anywhere until my financial prospects improve and I recover from surgery.

I don’t want to say goodbye to my old life.

Yes. She was the one that told his psychologist he had been abused as a child. The psychologist then used this information in his sessions…which was how my now ex ‘remembered’ what had happened.

Secondly, he said that he found her suffocating sometimes. He said that while she tried to help and provide solutions for his life (I think due to the aspergers) he said it often made him panic more, he wanted to make decisions independently. That’s it. All of that info is what he told me on the trip last week.

Aside from that, he’s always spoken or her warmly. He says he is closer to her than his father who also has aspergers.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Kat.

I’m glad you think I’m taking the correct path. My biggest confusion stems from how he could let me go so easily.

I said I felt unimportant in his life. He said I enriched his life, that I was important, that I fascinated him and made him feel happy whenever we were together. So…why throw it all away for other women? And vitally: why ask me to move there? I had even been learning the language! We’d been practicing together every week.

He had invested a lot his time and emotions in me too. Remember when I said NO, we will have no further contact, he felt that deeply. I am still the ONLY person he has told about the sexual abuse in his past. Last week, during my trip, he opened up about it even more. Perhaps I’m symbolic for him in some way.

For me, the connection was broken the moment he mentioned the open relationship. We had spent almost a year having the most bonding, romantic moments – and now he says he is content to share me with others and would rather explore other women than our connection. I could never have done it.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Kat.

Yes, I would appreciate your input please, Anita.

Thanks Valora!

Yes, my impression is that he is being honest. I agree, we both really enjoy the others company – that’s why we dated in the first place. But he struggled with the more intimate closeness that comes with a relationship. Despite that, he keeps seeking me out, which tells me he’d also like to have it on some level.

But I find it hard being with him, having all the same closeness as before but without being able to hold his hand or kiss him. Although I don’t want to speak for him, I don’t think I am alone in this. In fact there was a moment recently where he seemed to reach for my hand across the table (because it did feel like old times) and then stopped himself. This is what I find myself doing and it’s emotionally difficult. That’s why I’m beginning to explore the idea that it may be better to not be in touch at all at this juncture in our lives. He seems afraid and craving being single, but the great thing for him is that I’m still giving him a lot of the companionship we had before.

Actually we’re both at a crossroads in our lives. He’s travelling at the moment and I’m applying for jobs in different places. He says he wants us to stay close to each other , but if it’s only ever as friends I’m not sure. On the other hand, if I ride it out and eventually start dating others, I could see myself keeping him as a valued friend. I’m afraid to make the wrong decision by cutting him off, but having in my life isn’t always easy.

Even though rationally I recognise his reasons for not committing further is all about him – my self-esteem is suffering from the fact he doesn’t seem to want more than friendship despite the fact we were more before.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Kat.

Yes, he told me frankly that he does not want a committed relationship because he has too many personal issues to deal with at the moment. But then he contacts me 24/7 and wants to see me all the time. He behaves in a committed way (to an extent) so what gives?

At the moment I think either 1) I tell him that if he still does want to be together romantically, it is best we cut off the connection for now or 2) Scale the ‘friendship’ way back to being more distant. I’m not sure how to do this without telling him this is what I am doing and why.

I’m sad because I love this person but I feel this isn’t really good for me. I feel he’s having his cake and eating it.

The other issue I do want to find a partner in the next couple of years if I can. If he isn’t in a place to give much to a relationship because he’s too busy trying to look after himself, is there a chance?

In that case it would make more sense to keep him as a friend (taking the pressure off him) and date others. As you can tell I’m very confused and am seeking advice while I figure out the answer.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Kat.

Thanks Mark. I don’t have ‘romantic aspirations’ in the sense that I don’t want to be in a serious LTR with him at the moment. His on-going issues linked to depression and anxiety became difficult to manage (I had to see a counsellor myself to deal with the heaviness of it) and I realised that, as sad as it sounds, I would like a life partner that is in a healthier place if possible. Don’t get me wrong, many of us have things to work through, but this was serious & out of my hands.

But – we were very close and intimate and that doesn’t stop me from still having loving feelings towards him every so often. He called me tonight to see how I am as I’ve had an unusually horrible week – and I almost said I think we should shelve the friendship for now but then I didn’t! Precisely because I’m afraid to lose him altogether.