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Kara

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #202603
    Kara
    Participant

    Bless you thanks yes i understand. I beleive you are very well with words anita 🙂

    I have now gone away with kiddies on wee holiday much needed thank you 🙂

    #202429
    Kara
    Participant

    Yes you were a big part of it thanks very much!

     

    Also i dont really understand what this means…..The intent to hurt another person is not an exclusive motivation of the mentally healthy. ??

    #202299
    Kara
    Participant

    Hey thanks for your time Anita.

     

    “He is a nice person….” at this point, to me, this means I am not holding all these actions against him, I am not a person to ‘bad mouth’ I say he is a nice person as in he is not acting this way to purposely to hurt me, it is not malicious. I believe he is mentally not well in all honesty.

    I understand why he acting the way way is. He did not deal with many heavy things from his past, and right now in his unhealthy mindset he believes only I can help/save him by loving and being with him. Which is dangerous and unhealthy, i fully get this now. i understand this now. this is not ever the man for me.

    It feels good to have clear thoughts of this, as before i was very confused by the promises, manipulation and erratic up and down behaviors and thoughts.

    My thoughts are clear now, first time in a long time (about him) interesting in what I wrote at the beginning of this forum. Im quite amazed how far I have come in just week to be honest,

    Thanks.

    #202279
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks very much.

    My anger has gone its more a little silly for going back to him, i beleive the guilt and beleiving all those words got me to go back to him?

    I feel i shouldnt have gone back now, but i do know if i hadnt of gone back part of me would have wondered and listened to him and felt guilt. I free from him now and not scared , i wont get talked in to going back again.

    I definitly do not have that now his true colours are showing, i see how he uses his words now. Its like i see the truth now.

    The onl thing im scared of his how i let this all happen? I feel dumb for not seeing what he was doing to me, he is a nice person .But emotionally he is very unhealthy he told me many things he never opened up about before inhis life  and became very attached to me unhealthy.

    Mum has always said how im vunerable and too soft, maybe i am i thought i was so much aware and strong person. Im learning to be more of an observer with my thoughts, i need to take a step back .

    Ive leant many many things from this relationship ???

    Thanks for listening. Again!

    #202269
    Kara
    Participant

    Yes totally.

    We have one mutal friend she called saying please can i unblock him or he said hes coming over. I told her im very serious and i want nothing to do with him. Which she told him, aprantly he is angry saying i used him for two years and im acting like a baby and how dare i do this to him again. He said everyone thinks im so nice but im actually not.

    I do feel guilty , i hate the thought he is bad mouthing me to her but know this is his process of him letting go i gather?

    I did tell her id rather not know what he says so i can keep guilty feelings away and keep peace in my heart. I know i never ever used him and i know i am a nice person and right now its best i focus on that. Thanks anita.

     

    #202187
    Kara
    Participant

    Yes totally.

    We have one mutal friend she called saying please can i unblock him or he said hes coming over. I told her im very serious and i want nothing to do with him. Which she told him, aprantly he is angry saying i used him for two years and im acting like a baby and how dare i do this to him again. He said everyone thinks im so nice but im actually not.

    I do feel guilty , i hate the thought he is bad mouthing me to her but know this is his process of him letting go i gather?

    I did tell her id rather not know what he says so i can keep guilty feelings away and keep peace in my heart. I know i never ever used him and i know i am a nice person and right now its best i focus on that. Thanks anita.

     

     

     

    #202171
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks very much for your support anita.

     

    Im feeling very angry he keeps contacting me he just doesnt get it , why cant he get it? He says i cant make uo my mind if i love him in two weeks, he says i have to lisyen to him, i keep saying what is the point of these conversations are you trying to make me guilty? I said its over and i dont need to listen to you. He says why am i being mean why arnt i talking nice…..he just wants to hear my voice and loves me so much….i was sharo and said tell someone else because i do not love you…duh is he dumb why is he doing this again im feeling so much anger towards him.

     

    I have now changed to a new phone so he cannot ever contact me.

    Im so over this.

    #201931
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks so much I hope so too he keeps texts and calls today so we will see- my phone gives me notifications when blocked calls and messages come thru :/

    #201725
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks I love how you wrote this…You had attracted your teacher and now you have learned what you needed to learn and moved on.

    I really wish for his emotional wellbeing he really got this such a shame his heart got broken in that process.

     

    I’d like to learn for the future not to depend on others for advice thanks anita re reading about others opinion has helped me.

    #201697
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks very much Mark and Anita, you both write some home truths.

    I talked to him about im not feeling the connection and love like before and im sorry but I dont want to be back in a relationship or friends as its too hard. I apologized for coming back as it may have been because of guilty feelings.

    Its been up and down with his responses all in one day.. he was very upset with lots of tears saying dont be sorry if were were sorry you wouldn’t do this, he hates his life, i messed up his life, how could i do this to his heart because i know how he feels about me, then he came over saying how sorry he is and wont ever make feel guilty and he is fine and ok and he understands he said he will be good this time,, then he saw me out and said how stupid i am and i didn’t give us enough time, he believes ive made a mistake, im just too immature to understand, he told me how much he loves me forever and hell never want anyone else. He said i dont believe in us enough, im so special, i should never have come back, very upset saying that i dont care at all, saying hes so upset and cannot believe what i have done and he only wanted to ever have me as a friend in be in his life, and he is not going to get counselling etc anymore. He misses me so much. Then he now said he totally understands and only wants me to be happy and said he will stay away and said goodbye.

    Quite intense. I didnt get caught up with answering back everything, i kept my cool saying we ‘were’ good but not anymore, and I wont take on guilt, and im sorry you feel this way but i cant fix you. Most importantly I didn’t take on all the guilt, he has many issues to deal with that i cant be involved in.

    Im quite proud of myself for not taking it all on, like i did last time – i can see how i took it all on last time he just made me feel so bad last time, but not this time hopefully, i feel much stronger. I really prayer and hope he means this goodbye for real, ive blocked him.

    I need to be myself focus on myself and kids, as you said mark stand on my two feet emotionally. It scares me abit as im so up and down with my feelings these days. I hope he just leaves me alone properly now. I do feel abit of guilt i guess but i think its a normal amount.

     

    #201547
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks again Anita.

    Wow yes its come back to me about feelings, im allowed them! no right or wrong, and its triggered me in the fact how much i hate to let anyone down, my ex, him , I hate the thought that i can cause them pain and hurt. it does not sit well with me at all. i really struggle with this actually, even at work i hate to let anyone down, im scared to upset anyone , its the people pleaser thing , but hey ive come along way compared to how i used to be!

    remembering my self love i am who i am, no right or wrong i am who i am and thats perfect for me, and gods got my back 🙂

    Reading this I realize the power that guilt has over me, When I left my marriage I had a huge amount of guilt feelings, I did alot of work around how this feeling made me feel, It wasn’t serving me any purpose to have a happy life. It was a pointless feeling to have as it kept me stuck in ruminating thoughts.

    So with this man this guilt has come all back again. I was strong when i ended it 4 months ago, it was a very hard decision to make but I did because it was over for me, I believed he was there for a reason but 2 years had gone by and now it was the end. He just could not understand this, he thought it was because i cared too much of what others thought eg my mum. and i wasnt being true to myself.

    Obviously as you know he did not take it well at first suicidal threats, constant contact, visiting, letters. money, gifts, flowers. wanting to buy a house for me , promising the world to me. Finally after 2-3 months he slowed down but it never stopped. My family and friends were very worried calling him crazy but i knew it was because of his issues and his ‘love’ for me.

    This did get me down, it was intense, I was unhappy, i felt huge guilt what i had done to him, he was a mess, i started missing what we had, wondering if i had made the right decision, he was my best friend, will any one ever love me again, will i regret this forever.

    So  we kinda got back together, letting him know im confused and not sure if i love him but willing to try…I was very firm and honest about my feelings, i said you make me feel pressured slow down, of course he understands and is very embarrassed and regrets the way he acted after the breakup and he says hes working on himself…i never told my family, my mum ….i was low i wanted that happy feeling again. Being with him i realized my happy feelings didnt come back. Now after talking this over with you and getting friend opinion I cannot expect anyone to make me happy and make my decisions, thats my own job from the inside you know. I feel complete calm and peace again. I really do, its been a while 🙂

    I cannot be with him because I dont want to feel guilty, thats just plain dumb.

    The last 2 days ive had not much contact with him, I know he will be freaking, hes going to think I used him, he will think he swrewed it up again, maybe he might take it well this time, maybe he wont? But those are his feelings and thoughts I can only control my own, im scared to hurt him again, but its his choice how handles it , i will try not to feel guilty as i said before its pointless.

    #201413
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks again. I guess deep down I know this.

    Interesting that when I’m unsure of my feelings I look for others to tell me what to do. I can’t seem to trust my own thoughts I get advice from my friend my sister I look up on Google and come to forum like this!

     

    When talking to my friend she said to give it a chance give it a go love might come back you only live once etc better than being single so I did with her encouragement full on!! but then  I didn’t feel it. Then I write to you I’m pretty clear I don’t want this. Mum is against this relationship re age gap which caused me much anxiety as she’s my best friend .

    He said I’m always 100% influenced by everyone else maybe I am.

     

    I can’t imagine telling him it’s over again he will be so upset I honestly don’t know how to do it. I tried friendship but it was way too hard on him and very intense. If I breakup again am I going to get months of flowers gifts money again? I can’t go thru that again I felt like I murdered his soul! Last time he got very dark and had suicidal threats to me where i involved police. It was very tough . This time I cannot and will not take on the guilt I just can’t.

    Right now he’s under a lot of stress with some personal problems he always wanted and needed me to counsel him thru it all. I used to love that but I think now it’s too confusing for him I’ve told him he needs cbt therapy which he is going to try but he believes no one can help him but me….actually he used to say that but now he wants to give it a go which is huge for him.

     

    I’m feeling scared to tell him- he takes my boy to soccer weekly does that mean that has to stop so confused. I’m very willing to be friends but I doubt that will be possible with him . We will see thanks anita u are so amazing giving your time and listening to me and my thoughts.

    #201303
    Kara
    Participant

    Thanks yes that is right I needed and loved him through that transition of me leaving my ex husband and taking my 3 kiddies with me. Our connection was absolutely amazing first ever for me and him.

    Though he isn’t really holding me hostage- many times he says don’t be with me if you feel sorry for me – he says if you don’t love me don’t be with me he reassures me and says he will be fine and cope . And he just want me and kids to be happy.

    Yet he will say other times how he couldn’t sleep eat or function, he lost 15kgs! And he’ll never love anyone ever again , and I make him so happy and I’m his everything forever.

     

    So yeah it Def confuses me ! He believes our connection is very rare – but that connection seems to be not as strong for me now I wish it was but it isn’t.  I miss so much how it used to be .He doesn’t seem to believe me he thinks I have no idea how rare it is and to not push him away. As no one will ever love me as he does. I do wonder if he is right.

     

    I don’t like to be alone to be honest, I don’t want to be single forever and I love myself enough to know not to settle just because. The more I write the more clearer it’s getting, thanks anita.

     

    #201297
    Kara
    Participant

    How about baby steps every day set you alarm on your phone and sit down for just 10mins …5mins?) and read a book with them? Draw a picture with them? Walk to the letterbox with them? This may help?

     

    Also focus on what you already do… such as when you give them lunch stop focus eye contact smile! Tie there shoes up? Eye contact smile hug….putting there pj’s tickle them? Putting seatbelt on in car…kiss, high five eye contact smile etc etc try remember to be really present in all those basic routine things you do everyday . I’ve started this and found it better for my self love and telling myself daily I’m a good mum and I’m trying and doing my best.

    #201289
    Kara
    Participant

    Yep I agree encourage them to discuss feelings around it , not to save them or fix it. Read up on active listening skills, learn to really listen and leave your stuff at the door.

    Hope you doing okay

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)